What would you do if...

[luvsJack]

You do realize that a lot of the women who have had abortions have regretted it and if given a second chance would do it differently. It can have a negative impact on them for many years to come. That is not something I would ever want my child to go through.

Nor would I want to risk it. If she was adament about having one by her own choice, that's one thing but seeing how many people have been affected by this choice, I would never push it or manipulate her into making it.

 

[luvmy3]

You do realize that a lot of the women who have had abortions have regretted it and if given a second chance would do it differently. It can have a negative impact on them for many years to come. That is not something I would ever want my child to go through.

I also realize that alot of women have had abortions and not regretted it too.
There are also women who have put babies up for adoption and regretted it, and most likely there are young teens out there who have regretted their decision to keep their baby. You can't predict anything with 100% certainty about any of those choices.
I would rather my child not have to go through any of that, however my concern is for their well being here and now. IMO abortion is the best option to solve the problem that presents itself here and now. I'll worry about the effects if they arise in the future.

 

[cornflake]

I think that the disconnect between cornflake's position and mine is that I would have unconditional love for my child and my grandchild. Therefore, while I would still love my daughter if she chose to give up the child or abort it, my preference would be for the child to be kept so that I can ensure that my grandchild has everything in his life that he needs, even if that is not convenient for me....

That proves nothing. The vast majority of people knew no teen parents growing up and still don't. That doesn't mean that kids weren't having sex. It just means that methods used to avoid pregnancy were effective (or they were lucky or they terminated the pregnancy).

I... what?

First, lovely. Again, unconditional love does not equal supporting whatever anyone does, financially and otherwise. I can have unconditional love and still say very clearly - not in my house.

Someone else said they have unconditional love and thus will support and help their child deal with the consequences of anything that happens. I'm sorry, I don't have that view.

I love you, that does not mean I will sit by or assist you in messing up your life.

I love you but there are limits to help. If you go out and willfully commit a violent crime, I'm not trying to get you out of prison. If you do drugs, you're not doing them in my house. If you get pregnant, you're going to have to make choices - those don't include me supporting you and a baby because you want me to. That has NOTHING to do with love.

I don't think the "vast majority" don't know and never knew any teen parents. Also, I have no idea where having sex got into this. We're not talking about sex. That's not the problem - getting pregnant is the problem and that's preventable and reversable.

 

[SaraJayne]

You do realize that a lot of the women who have had abortions have regretted it and if given a second chance would do it differently. It can have a negative impact on them for many years to come. That is not something I would ever want my child to go through.

You do realize that a lot of women who have had abortions have never regretted it and would not make a different choice, given the chance.

 

[SaraJayne]

Are you a parent?

I think the answer is obvious, don't you?

 

[luvsJack]

You do realize that a lot of women who have had abortions have never regretted it and would not make a different choice, given the chance.

Yes they have. And many give their babies up for adoption with no regrets and many have kept their babies and been wonderful parents and not felt they gave up anything.

But, before a girl has an abortion, she should understand how she may feel when its over. Of course she needs this information on all her choices.

 

[SaraJayne]

Yes they have. And many give their babies up for adoption with no regrets and many have kept their babies and been wonderful parents and not felt they gave up anything.

But, before a girl has an abortion, she should understand how she may feel when its over. Of course she needs this information on all her choices.

"Her choices", not anyone elses.

 

[momto2girls]

I would discuss her three options with her.

I would make it crystal clear that dh and I are not raising a grand child. She and a child could live with us, but the baby would be 100% her responsibility. I would also explore with her the costs associated with raising a child, and her likely sources of income, as someone who hasn't even got a high school diploma. We would discuss the cost of child care, as dh and I would not be providing it.

We would support either of the other two alternatives.

Ultimately, it would be her choice, but again, I'm not up for raising a grand child.

I agree. I would never consider throwing her out. Never. However, I absolutely would not be handling any child care. That would all be on her. Obviously I would have to help her pay for it, but it would be up to her to arrange it and deal with it, as well as handling everything else with the baby. My baby rearing days are over.

Sigh... I really hope this never becomes a reality for me. I can't even imagine. Hopefully lots of talking beforehand will prevent it. If not, I would really hope that my child would choose another option rather than keeping a baby at 15.

 

[mhsjax]

That is exactly what abortion is. Adoption may work perfectly for you, but you can't be sure that it works perfectly for anyone else.
I would support my dd's decision to go the adoption route, but I still think abortion is the best choice for someone that age who wasn't planning on keeping the baby. There is no reason why a 15 year should have to go through 9 months of pregnancy when there is a perfect medical solution so that she doesn't have to.

OMG, that just makes my skin crawl, and I don't care if I get in trouble, but a "medical solution" to getting rid of a baby? Just makes me SICK.

 

[cornflake]

I didn't see the posters that said they would throw their child out for putting the baby up for adoption. I feel the same about their "giving of choices" as I do yours. Its manipulation to get your child to do what you want them to.

Why not just go ahead and say "have an abortion and that is final", because you are basically doing the same thing. For the girl to be able to live with the choice, she needs to be the one to MAKE the choice and not be manipulated into it.

You know, punishing your child and grandchild is like closing the barn door after the horse got out. Its not going to fix anything. And this decision, while YOU may be ok with it, could haunt your dd for the rest of her life.

And why are you not in favor of adoption if its all about you not wanting to support the baby?

Of course a 15 year old cannot fully support a child. But that doesn't mean she should be forced to go against what she believes in (in the instance of not believing in abortion). Why not at least allow her to choose adoption without you throwing her out in the street? Or if she truly feels bonded to this baby and wants desperately to keep the child? You can't at least offer her the moral support she needs?

Let me ask you this, what about 10 years down the road--this girl is now 25 and her child 10. You threw her out and now she is supporting herself and happily raising her child. But she hates the parents that basically disowned her because of the child she loves so much so you have never seen this 10 year grandchild. How would you feel then?

Or if your 15 year old was so terrified of telling you she is pregnant that she waits too long and can't get an abortion? You will just throw her out then too?
.

I'm not punishing anyone. I'm laying out the house rules of my house. No pregnant teens and no babies I'm neither the parent of or I didn't invite. Period.

Everyone who makes these choices is "manipulated" by circumstance, are they not? How is the 30-year-old who just lost her job, got pregnant unexpectedly and has no supportive family or anything else have any more choice than the 15-year-old? Plenty of people who have abortions as adults - and most people who have abortions ARE adults - choose to do so because they feel they have no other option, and they're generally right. Same here.

I'm absolutely in favour of adoption. If the choice is adoption, then someone is going to have to find someplace to live for a while (and these places do still exist) - not because I don't support adoption, I totally do. But because there is always the option of changing one's mind, and I will not be put in the position where someone thinks or says they want to go that route, has the baby and then says 'oh, but now I want to keep it....' and then I'm changing the locks on a newborn and someone had a baby 24 hours ago? I don't know I could do that, but they're not staying, so we're not getting in a situation where that's a possibility - because it is, again, imo, better if that choice (staying here) is absolutely off the table and it'll make it simpler for someone to not entertain the choice of keeping the baby.

As long as that is the choice and it's stuck to, though, I'll help and the door is open to come back. It's not however, the best choice, it's a distant third behind not getting pregnant in the first dang place and abortion.

I'd hope it's clear that hiding a pregnancy until it's too late to abort wouldn't be wise on any level because yes, that will buy you a ticket out the door immediately. Want an abortion and don't have the money? I'll loan it to you while pointing to the 8,000 drugstores between here and the nearest clinic at which they sell innumerable birth control options. Try and pull 'oh, well,can't do anything about it now!' There's the door.

It didn't work then and it won't work now. You know WHY you didn't know as many when you were a kid? They were either hidden away at some relative's house, or they got married at 15/16 or some other such nonsense.

Teen parents are nothing knew. My brother would have been 56 this year and he was a teen father. Married at 16. Do you really think my parents didn't have to keep them from starving to death?

I am 49 and there were 4 pregnant girls in my graduating class, including me. I married the loser--although I wouldn't change it now because I have a wonderful second son by him, I would never, ever wish that on my dd. ETA: We ALL married the fathers of the babies. Not one is still married.

The different thing now is we don't say someone "has" to get married, we don't hide a pregnant girl away anywhere

I think you read me wrong. I didn't know any then, I don't know any now. My high school had exactly one teen parent in its history (to date as far as I know), and she was immediately chucked out of the school when she revealed she eas pregnant and planned to stay that way. I believe she stayed with her parents though, and went with a familial adoption - she predated me by some years.

There were a few people I knew as a teen who had families that probably would not have tossed them out, but most people I knew, knew that would be the instant reaction. Same as now - most people I know have a 'they wouldn't DARE' reaction to the idea of a teen coming home saying they were going to be a parent at 15. Because, well, they wouldn't dare. It'd be like 'btw, I've decided to drop out of high school, become a Hari Krishna and spend my days down at the airport selling carnations.' Just... hah, no, that's not happening. If you want to derail your life to that extent, there's the door, do it on your own dime.

 

[Feckless]

DD21 told me when she was 17 that she was expecting. I cried for a few minutes because three days before we had signed her up for college and she couldn't live in a dorm (thus not attend that school). That lasted about 2 minutes. Then I realized it wasn't the end of the world. She could still have a great life but she would just have an addition in that world. Next month, DGS will be 3. I can't imagine being without that little fellow. He's so amazing and such a joy to be around.

Her getting pregnant wasn't in the plan--my plan or her plan. There are things she missed out on but she's a great parent that works and goes to college and takes great care of him. When I told DH, he said he couldn't believe I wasn't mad. I explained to him that if there was ever a time that she needed me to be supportive, it was then and I wouldn't fail her. I wouldn't change it.

Thank you for sharing your experience, and I'm sure your DD thanks you for being such a great mom!

We all think we know what we would do, and have opinions on it, but until you are faced with the choice for real, you don't really know. As I always say, I was a perfect parent before I had children!

 

[mhsjax]

I'm not punishing anyone. I'm laying out the house rules of my house. No pregnant teens and no babies I'm neither the parent of or I didn't invite. Period.

Everyone who makes these choices is "manipulated" by circumstance, are they not? How is the 30-year-old who just lost her job, got pregnant unexpectedly and has no supportive family or anything else have any more choice than the 15-year-old? Plenty of people who have abortions as adults - and most people who have abortions ARE adults - choose to do so because they feel they have no other option, and they're generally right. Same here.

I'm absolutely in favour of adoption. If the choice is adoption, then someone is going to have to find someplace to live for a while (and these places do still exist) - not because I don't support adoption, I totally do. But because there is always the option of changing one's mind, and I will not be put in the position where someone thinks or says they want to go that route, has the baby and then says 'oh, but now I want to keep it....' and then I'm changing the locks on a newborn and someone had a baby 24 hours ago? I don't know I could do that, but they're not staying, so we're not getting in a situation where that's a possibility - because it is, again, imo, better if that choice (staying here) is absolutely off the table and it'll make it simpler for someone to not entertain the choice of keeping the baby.

As long as that is the choice and it's stuck to, though, I'll help and the door is open to come back. It's not however, the best choice, it's a distant third behind not getting pregnant in the first dang place and abortion.

I'd hope it's clear that hiding a pregnancy until it's too late to abort wouldn't be wise on any level because yes, that will buy you a ticket out the door immediately. Want an abortion and don't have the money? I'll loan it to you while pointing to the 8,000 drugstores between here and the nearest clinic at which they sell innumerable birth control options. Try and pull 'oh, well,can't do anything about it now!' There's the door.



I think you read me wrong. I didn't know any then, I don't know any now. My high school had exactly one teen parent in its history (to date as far as I know), and she was immediately chucked out of the school when she revealed she eas pregnant and planned to stay that way. I believe she stayed with her parents though, and went with a familial adoption - she predated me by some years.

There were a few people I knew as a teen who had families that probably would not have tossed them out, but most people I knew, knew that would be the instant reaction. Same as now - most people I know have a 'they wouldn't DARE' reaction to the idea of a teen coming home saying they were going to be a parent at 15. Because, well, they wouldn't dare. It'd be like 'btw, I've decided to drop out of high school, become a Hari Krishna and spend my days down at the airport selling carnations.' Just... hah, no, that's not happening. If you want to derail your life to that extent, there's the door, do it on your own dime.

Must have been a private school, because I don't legally they can do that to a pregnant girl. Oh and birth control fails, nothing except abstinence is fool proof. We even had a patient in my OBGYN office that had a tubal and her DH a vasectomy, they got pregnant. IT happens.

Also,I said a lot of things beg ire I had kids, but unless you have them, you don't know the feelings you have and until the situation pops up, you don't know exactly what you would do. I will say if you do have kids, and you are this cold. I am betting your kids wont' be around when and if you need them when you get older. I know I wouldn't. I would kick you to the curb as soon as I got out of the house and never look back.

 

[cornflake]

I agree. I would never consider throwing her out. Never. However, I absolutely would not be handling any child care. That would all be on her. Obviously I would have to help her pay for it, but it would be up to her to arrange it and deal with it, as well as handling everything else with the baby. My baby rearing days are over.

Sigh... I really hope this never becomes a reality for me. I can't even imagine. Hopefully lots of talking beforehand will prevent it. If not, I would really hope that my child would choose another option rather than keeping a baby at 15.

The problem with this is what happens if said teen say, decides to go out with her friends and doesn't come back for hours and hours, leaving the baby in your house, hungry and needing changing and etc., when you agreed to watch the baby for 15 minutes?

What happens if the teen breaks down and says they can't keep up with their schoolwork and the baby keeping them up?

I think it's a perfectly understandable stand to take 'your baby, your responsibility' but I kind of doubt how well it sticks. It doesn't stick well with PETS. How many people do you know who end up walking and scooping and feeding the fish of the teens who are supposed to be doing that but are so busy or forgot or 'god, mom, I'll do it, in a miiiinuuute!!!'?

Could you just leave the baby crying? Of course not. Congratulations, you just got a baby.

 

[luvsJack]

"Her choices", not anyone elses.

Oh, exactly! I believe that with every fiber of my being. It has to be HER choice whichever way she turns. I may hope for one choice over another, but I would hope that I would not steer her toward any one choice.

She will need all the information possible on all the choices that she has.

 

[luvmy3]

OMG, that just makes my skin crawl, and I don't care if I get in trouble, but a "medical solution" to getting rid of a baby? Just makes me SICK.

That is fine if it makes you sick, but yes an abortion is a medical procedure for terminating a pregnancy.

Just curious though what would you do if your 15 year old came home and said I'm pregnant and I'm having an abortion?

 

[mrsklamc]

the best option to solve the problem that presents itself here and now. I'll worry about the effects if they arise in the future.

I find this ironic because this kind of thinking, it seems to me, is how a 15 year old ends up pregnant.

 

[luvmy3]

I find this ironic because this kind of thinking, it seems to me, is how a 15 year old ends up pregnant.

Luckily there is a solution to fix that

 

[luvsJack]

I'm not punishing anyone. I'm laying out the house rules of my house. No pregnant teens and no babies I'm neither the parent of or I didn't invite. Period.

Everyone who makes these choices is "manipulated" by circumstance, are they not? How is the 30-year-old who just lost her job, got pregnant unexpectedly and has no supportive family or anything else have any more choice than the 15-year-old? Plenty of people who have abortions as adults - and most people who have abortions ARE adults - choose to do so because they feel they have no other option, and they're generally right. Same here.

I'm absolutely in favour of adoption. If the choice is adoption, then someone is going to have to find someplace to live for a while (and these places do still exist) - not because I don't support adoption, I totally do. But because there is always the option of changing one's mind, and I will not be put in the position where someone thinks or says they want to go that route, has the baby and then says 'oh, but now I want to keep it....' and then I'm changing the locks on a newborn and someone had a baby 24 hours ago? I don't know I could do that, but they're not staying, so we're not getting in a situation where that's a possibility - because it is, again, imo, better if that choice (staying here) is absolutely off the table and it'll make it simpler for someone to not entertain the choice of keeping the baby.

As long as that is the choice and it's stuck to, though, I'll help and the door is open to come back. It's not however, the best choice, it's a distant third behind not getting pregnant in the first dang place and abortion.

I'd hope it's clear that hiding a pregnancy until it's too late to abort wouldn't be wise on any level because yes, that will buy you a ticket out the door immediately. Want an abortion and don't have the money? I'll loan it to you while pointing to the 8,000 drugstores between here and the nearest clinic at which they sell innumerable birth control options. Try and pull 'oh, well,can't do anything about it now!' There's the door.



I think you read me wrong. I didn't know any then, I don't know any now. My high school had exactly one teen parent in its history (to date as far as I know), and she was immediately chucked out of the school when she revealed she eas pregnant and planned to stay that way. I believe she stayed with her parents though, and went with a familial adoption - she predated me by some years.

There were a few people I knew as a teen who had families that probably would not have tossed them out, but most people I knew, knew that would be the instant reaction. Same as now - most people I know have a 'they wouldn't DARE' reaction to the idea of a teen coming home saying they were going to be a parent at 15. Because, well, they wouldn't dare. It'd be like 'btw, I've decided to drop out of high school, become a Hari Krishna and spend my days down at the airport selling carnations.' Just... hah, no, that's not happening. If you want to derail your life to that extent, there's the door, do it on your own dime.

Being manipulated by your situation and being manipulated by your own parent is two very different things and can cause two very different reactions. An abortion had by an adult woman who realizes she has no other choice because she cannot care for the child, is still made by her. The same decision made by a 15 year old because she has no one to turn to and mom/dad is saying "have this baby and you will be on the streets" is being manipulated into making a decision that her parent wants and is not getting the chance to make it herself.

Parents with a "they wouldn't DARE" attitude are only fooling themselves. It can happen. In fact, many times, its the hard nosed parents that have a child that end up in this situation.

And, btw, if the child truly wouldn't "dare", you now have a scared 15 year old either having a baby in secret and stuffing it in the garbage can, running away from home, or trying to secretly get an abortion that may or may not be safe. Yep. That's exactly what needs to happen.

You keep refusing to answer one question. Do you have children?

You even say you would throw the girl out if she chooses adoption? I mean how heartless can you be? You are turning your back on the person YOU brought into this world, the person YOU are responsible for and YOU should love unconditionally. and if your child decides to turn her back on you after the adoption is final--well, couldn't say that I would blame her. You would have brought it on yourself.

There is a Madea movie where a young girl gets pregnant and there is a line said in there to the girl's mother, "the sin is in the act, not in the baby growing inside her". You need to think about that if you have a daughter. If you dont' believe in sin, read it as "mistake". Her mistake is in the act that caused the pregnancy, are you really going to punish her forever for one mistake? And, I really dont' see how you think you are not punishing anyone. Throwing a child in the street is punishing them.

 

[mhsjax]

That is fine if it makes you sick, but yes an abortion is a medical procedure for terminating a pregnancy.

Just curious though what would you do if your 15 year old came home and said I'm pregnant and I'm having an abortion?

OH I know exactly what it is, but the term makes me ill. And I won't even get into the term "terminating a pregnancy" because I have different views.

If my 15 year old came home and told me she was getting an abortion, I would do EVERYTHING in my power to talk her out of it, but unlike SOME people here I am not so set in stone that I would make demands. But my DD at 13 shares my views on the act of abortion. She is equally disgusted by it.

Also to add, that I would never judge someone else for this, but it is my belief and my child's belief that it is wrong.

 

[luvsJack]

That is fine if it makes you sick, but yes an abortion is a medical procedure for terminating a pregnancy.

Just curious though what would you do if your 15 year old came home and said I'm pregnant and I'm having an abortion?

Not the poster you quoted, but your statement made my skin crawl too.

If my 15 year old made the choice ON HER OWN to have an abortion, then so be it. Its not a choice I could make for myself but I would let her make it, as long as she was completly educated in what will happen and how it can affect her.