What would you do if...

[Hrhpd]

I think you read me wrong. I didn't know any then, I don't know any now. My high school had exactly one teen parent in its history (to date as far as I know), and she was immediately chucked out of the school when she revealed she eas pregnant and planned to stay that way. I believe she stayed with her parents though, and went with a familial adoption - she predated me by some years.

There were a few people I knew as a teen who had families that probably would not have tossed them out, but most people I knew, knew that would be the instant reaction. Same as now - most people I know have a 'they wouldn't DARE' reaction to the idea of a teen coming home saying they were going to be a parent at 15. Because, well, they wouldn't dare. It'd be like 'btw, I've decided to drop out of high school, become a Hari Krishna and spend my days down at the airport selling carnations.' Just... hah, no, that's not happening. If you want to derail your life to that extent, there's the door, do it on your own dime.

You do realize that there are so many more opportunities for pregnant teens than to just drop out and quit highschool? For instance, the best highschool in our district (consistently rated in the top 25 in the country) has a teen parent program. The program provides daycare for the baby while the student is in school as well as life slkill classes. So the teen mom can graduate with her IB degree, or full AP classes as well as learning things like parenting skills, finances, etc. Many, many of the teen moms go on to earn their degree at the local university, which also has a teen parent program in their family housing.

I will ask you again, are you a parent? As I am surprised that you are not more aware of the programs available to our teens today.

 

[pixiewings71]

I have a 15 year old, she turns 16 in just a few days. If she came to me and said she was pg I would hug her, tell her I love her and we would deal with it as a family. It's not the choice I would make for any of my girls but there is no way in the world that I would ever turn them out for being pg young. In fact, I was 16 when I had my first child. I raised her to be a responsible adult who has a full time job, is married, owns a home and has a DD3, she's 24. I would make sure she finished school and we would approach her future as a family. Maybe I feel that way because it happened to me, but I honestly think that if I hadn't had DD24 so young I'd still feel the same way.

 

[SaraJayne]

Oh, exactly! I believe that with every fiber of my being. It has to be HER choice whichever way she turns. I may hope for one choice over another, but I would hope that I would not steer her toward any one choice.

She will need all the information possible on all the choices that she has.

Agreed.

 

[cornflake]

I didn't say there were not programs that exist some places. I was making an analogy to dropping out. However, statistics say teen girls who decide to be parents have a dismal educational record. It's something like only HALF of teen mothers get a high school diploma.

Being manipulated by your situation and being manipulated by your own parent is two very different things and can cause two very different reactions. An abortion had by an adult woman who realizes she has no other choice because she cannot care for the child, is still made by her. The same decision made by a 15 year old because she has no one to turn to and mom/dad is saying "have this baby and you will be on the streets" is being manipulated into making a decision that her parent wants and is not getting the chance to make it herself.

I don't see it as different at all. The situation is what's forcing the choice in both circumstances. The teen has no other choice because she can't care for the child either.

I don't discuss my personal life on the internet, got nothing to do with this thread.

 

[Heidict]

You do realize that a lot of women who have had abortions have never regretted it and would not make a different choice, given the chance.

Oh, I'm sure there are. As I am also sure there are plenty that did adoption and regretted it and others that didn't and the same for those that kept their child. We can't predict how they will adjust or react to their decisions. However, like many others on this thread, our personal experiences and those of the people we are close to shade our view on one option or another.

I think the answer is obvious, don't you?

Crystal clear!

OMG, that just makes my skin crawl, and I don't care if I get in trouble, but a "medical solution" to getting rid of a baby? Just makes me SICK.

I had the term also. It reduces it to something as casual as lancing a boil.

 

[Colleen27]

You do realize that a lot of the women who have had abortions have regretted it and if given a second chance would do it differently. It can have a negative impact on them for many years to come. That is not something I would ever want my child to go through.

A lot of women end up regretting the other choices too, and would choose differently if they had a second chance. That's a risk we take with any major decision in life and the reason we all try to give our children the tools we think will best help them to avoid an unplanned pregnancy in the first place.

 

[Pigeon]

Being manipulated by your situation and being manipulated by your own parent is two very different things and can cause two very different reactions. An abortion had by an adult woman who realizes she has no other choice because she cannot care for the child, is still made by her. The same decision made by a 15 year old because she has no one to turn to and mom/dad is saying "have this baby and you will be on the streets" is being manipulated into making a decision that her parent wants and is not getting the chance to make it herself.

The problem is that in reality, the 15 year old girl isn't making the decision to raise a baby herself in a vacuum. Unless they kick her out, her decision to keep a baby is also manipulating mom and dad into a fair amount of financial, emotional and physical support.

I've never met a 15 year old who could support herself and a child, provide all the child care for a baby and be mature enough to be a good parent. And I've met a whole lot of 15 year old girls.

Why should mom and dad be stuck with another baby they really don't want to raise? It will end up having a big impact on their financial situation, their homelife, their free time and maybe their relationship. Why does she get to make that decision for them?

 

[RitaE]

I love you, that does not mean I will sit by or assist you in messing up your life.

So you'll turn a pregnant 15 year old girl out onto the streets to fend for herself because you don't want to assist in messing up her life?

Holy crap that is so far from logical I don't think anybody could even begin to respond to it.

"Yes dear, I'll push you right through the door of becoming a streetwalking, drug using, uneducated homeless wasteland dependent upon social services for your twice a day bowl of soup but believe me --- someday you'll thank me for trying to save you from that life of young, single motherhood."

Oh and not even the ultra-conservative, religious private school my son just graduated from "chucks out" the unwed pregnant girl. They put her on probation, required her to attend counseling, and she graduated with the class and is headed onto CC next year.

They didn't even make her dress in sack cloth with a Scarlet A. I guess there is some progress in some places of the world.

 

[Hrhpd]

I don't discuss my personal life on the internet, got nothing to do with this thread.

Saying whether you are a parent or not is far from discussing your personal life.

And yes, it is relevant to this discussion. When that parental instinct kicks in, your views often go by the wayside.

It is like when you emphatically say "I will never do that with my child" and then 9 months later, all those fastly held ideas go down the drain.

Since you don't have children (admission by omission), your viewpoint will differ vastly from a parent's viewpoint and makes it far more understandable.

 

[Colleen27]

The problem with this is what happens if said teen say, decides to go out with her friends and doesn't come back for hours and hours, leaving the baby in your house, hungry and needing changing and etc., when you agreed to watch the baby for 15 minutes?

What happens if the teen breaks down and says they can't keep up with their schoolwork and the baby keeping them up?

I think it's a perfectly understandable stand to take 'your baby, your responsibility' but I kind of doubt how well it sticks. It doesn't stick well with PETS. How many people do you know who end up walking and scooping and feeding the fish of the teens who are supposed to be doing that but are so busy or forgot or 'god, mom, I'll do it, in a miiiinuuute!!!'?

Could you just leave the baby crying? Of course not. Congratulations, you just got a baby.

Exactly. It is all well and good to say you're not going to do child care, but the reality is that there are many, many situations and ways in which you're likely to end up doing it. And not just hands-on baby care but all the other extras that come along with having a baby in the house. How many of us would just let dirty bottles sit in the sink until our teen got around to washing them? Dirty diapers stink up the bathroom because the teen forgot to take out the trash on her way to school? Even a well-cared for newborn has a way of messing up the sleep schedules of the entire household; how many of you could sleep through a newborn crying long enough/loudly enough to wake a teen?

Supporting a young teen parent does mean taking on some of the responsibility of caring for the baby, and there's no real way to set limits on that. It just happens in the course of having your child and her child living under your roof.

 

[cornflake]

So you'll turn a pregnant 15 year old girl out onto the streets to fend for herself because you don't want to assist in messing up her life?

Holy crap that is so far from logical I don't think anybody could even begin to respond to it.

"Yes dear, I'll push you right through the door of becoming a streetwalking, drug using, uneducated homeless wasteland dependent upon social services for your twice a day bowl of soup but believe me --- someday you'll thank me for trying to save you from that life of young, single motherhood."

Oh and not even the ultra-conservative, religious private school my son just graduated from "chucks out" the unwed pregnant girl. They put her on probation, required her to attend counseling, and she graduated with the class and is headed onto CC next year.

They didn't even make her dress in sack cloth with a Scarlet A. I guess there is some progress in some places of the world.

She wants to mess up her own life - by getting pregnant, staying that way, and keeping a kid she can't support - that's her choice.

I'm guessing an ultra conservative religious school would not chuck out a pregnant girl, no. That'd be hard to explain.

Many private schools will do it, believe me.

Saying whether you are a parent or not is far from discussing your personal life.

And yes, it is relevant to this discussion. When that parental instinct kicks in, your views often go by the wayside.

It is like when you emphatically say "I will never do that with my child" and then 9 months later, all those fastly held ideas go down the drain.

Since you don't have children (admission by omission), your viewpoint will differ vastly from a parent's viewpoint and makes it far more understandable.

Brilliant analysis. Your opinion of what constitutes private life would be your opinion, not mine. Bullying me into answering questions using third-grade tactics (really, both 'that's NOT a secret, tell me!' and 'well if you won't tell me, then you ARE! HA!' in one post?) doesn't actually work. I'm not seven.

Whatever you need to tell yourself though, to apparently reconcile that someone has a different opinion than you and exists.

 

[Colleen27]

I didn't say there were not programs that exist some places. I was making an analogy to dropping out. However, statistics say teen girls who decide to be parents have a dismal educational record. It's something like only HALF of teen mothers get a high school diploma.

True. And while I usually hate to see that statistic quoted because it is heavily manipulated (it excludes girls who are 18 & 19 when they give birth, though that age group makes up the majority of teenage mothers in America) it is very relevant to the question of how to handle a pregnant 15yo.

 

[AntePrincess]

It's interesting to me how there is more than one person in the thread who said they would completely sever ties with a child who gave a baby up for adoption, but *I'm* the one who's cruel and crazy. The poster I quoted isn't the one who said that, to be clear, just... interesting.

I think I've come the "closest" to stating this position, and I haven't seen anyone else come near it, so who exactly has stated they would sever ties with a child who gave a baby up for adoption? The worst said is that it would end a relationship. In other words, yes, you really are the cruel and crazy one, but you have company.

And why are you not in favor of adoption if its all about you not wanting to support the baby?

Bingo! Her child's welfare and her grandchild's welfare means nothing, the moral high ground (and that's being generous) are all that counts.

 

[leebee]

The problem is that in reality, the 15 year old girl isn't making the decision to raise a baby herself in a vacuum. Unless they kick her out, her decision to keep a baby is also manipulating mom and dad into a fair amount of financial, emotional and physical support.

I've never met a 15 year old who could support herself and a child, provide all the child care for a baby and be mature enough to be a good parent. And I've met a whole lot of 15 year old girls.

Why should mom and dad be stuck with another baby they really don't want to raise? It will end up having a big impact on their financial situation, their homelife, their free time and maybe their relationship. Why does she get to make that decision for them?

ITA. Fortunately, this isn't something that'll happen in my home. DD informed me several years ago that if she somehow becomes pregnant before finishing college and being in a stable, settled relationship, she's having an abortion. I told her I'd drive her and pay whatever our insurance doesn't cover. Makes it easy when we are on the same page.

 

[HelenePA]

I'm not punishing anyone. I'm laying out the house rules of my house. No pregnant teens and no babies I'm neither the parent of or I didn't invite. Period.

Everyone who makes these choices is "manipulated" by circumstance, are they not? How is the 30-year-old who just lost her job, got pregnant unexpectedly and has no supportive family or anything else have any more choice than the 15-year-old? Plenty of people who have abortions as adults - and most people who have abortions ARE adults - choose to do so because they feel they have no other option, and they're generally right. Same here.

I'm absolutely in favour of adoption. If the choice is adoption, then someone is going to have to find someplace to live for a while (and these places do still exist) - not because I don't support adoption, I totally do. But because there is always the option of changing one's mind, and I will not be put in the position where someone thinks or says they want to go that route, has the baby and then says 'oh, but now I want to keep it....' and then I'm changing the locks on a newborn and someone had a baby 24 hours ago? I don't know I could do that, but they're not staying, so we're not getting in a situation where that's a possibility - because it is, again, imo, better if that choice (staying here) is absolutely off the table and it'll make it simpler for someone to not entertain the choice of keeping the baby.

As long as that is the choice and it's stuck to, though, I'll help and the door is open to come back. It's not however, the best choice, it's a distant third behind not getting pregnant in the first dang place and abortion.

I'd hope it's clear that hiding a pregnancy until it's too late to abort wouldn't be wise on any level because yes, that will buy you a ticket out the door immediately. Want an abortion and don't have the money? I'll loan it to you while pointing to the 8,000 drugstores between here and the nearest clinic at which they sell innumerable birth control options. Try and pull 'oh, well,can't do anything about it now!' There's the door.



I think you read me wrong. I didn't know any then, I don't know any now. My high school had exactly one teen parent in its history (to date as far as I know), and she was immediately chucked out of the school when she revealed she eas pregnant and planned to stay that way. I believe she stayed with her parents though, and went with a familial adoption - she predated me by some years.

There were a few people I knew as a teen who had families that probably would not have tossed them out, but most people I knew, knew that would be the instant reaction. Same as now - most people I know have a 'they wouldn't DARE' reaction to the idea of a teen coming home saying they were going to be a parent at 15. Because, well, they wouldn't dare. It'd be like 'btw, I've decided to drop out of high school, become a Hari Krishna and spend my days down at the airport selling carnations.' Just... hah, no, that's not happening. If you want to derail your life to that extent, there's the door, do it on your own dime.

I do wonder what CPS would have to say about you kicking your 15yr old out on the streets.. I would hope you'd be charged with something. How sad you feel this way.. I'd do everything in my power to help my child, I would hope she'd have the baby... I am pro-life.. I'd even take your pregnant 15yr old in and support her the way a mother should support her daughter no matter what choice they make in life.

 

[cornflake]

I think I've come the "closest" to stating this position, and I haven't seen anyone else come near it, so who exactly has stated they would sever ties with a child who gave a baby up for adoption? The worst said is that it would end a relationship. In other words, yes, you really are the cruel and crazy one, but you have company.



Bingo! Her child's welfare and her grandchild's welfare means nothing, the moral high ground (and that's being generous) are all that counts.

That'd be... you?

Originally Posted by AntePrincess
The PPs were clearly discussing their own daughters, not mothers who give their children up for adoption in general. I wouldn't see it as very generous if my daughters decided to give away a grandchild of mine in spite of my willingness to raise the child myself to keep them in the family. In fact, it would end my relationship with my child.

Also, you misunderstand. If I didn't care about her welfare, I'd let her do whatever - have a kid at 15, it's fine! Forcing a 15-year-old to recognize that this is NOT a viable option, that parenthood is not a good choice, and is, in all likelihood, a choice that will derail their life, is caring about their welfare.

 

[momto2girls]

Exactly. It is all well and good to say you're not going to do child care, but the reality is that there are many, many situations and ways in which you're likely to end up doing it. And not just hands-on baby care but all the other extras that come along with having a baby in the house. How many of us would just let dirty bottles sit in the sink until our teen got around to washing them? Dirty diapers stink up the bathroom because the teen forgot to take out the trash on her way to school? Even a well-cared for newborn has a way of messing up the sleep schedules of the entire household; how many of you could sleep through a newborn crying long enough/loudly enough to wake a teen?

Supporting a young teen parent does mean taking on some of the responsibility of caring for the baby, and there's no real way to set limits on that. It just happens in the course of having your child and her child living under your roof.

You're right. I'm sure some of that would end up falling on me, and I can't possibly express how angry it would make me. I guess I would have to decide how I would handle it as I lived it. Our house is large, so the teen and the baby could be housed on the other side of the house to ensure that they wouldn't bother anyone else at night, but some of the other things would have to be dealt with.

I will say that if the teen was 18 or when they reached the age of 18, we would probably put them in an apartment. We would pay the rent, child care costs, etc. while daughter furthered her education. As I said, I am done with my child rearing days. I would help my daughter financially as long as she is furthering her education and working to become independent, but I would not be responsible for childcare.

 

[Hrhpd]

Brilliant analysis. Your opinion of what constitutes private life would be your opinion, not mine. Bullying me into answering questions using third-grade tactics (really, both 'that's NOT a secret, tell me!' and 'well if you won't tell me, then you ARE! HA!' in one post?) doesn't actually work. I'm not seven.

Whatever you need to tell yourself though, to apparently reconcile that someone has a different opinion than you and exists.

My apologies if you felt I was bullying you. I always was taught that a good discussion included knowing the perspective of the participants. A parent will have a different (note, not better just different) perspective than a non-parent. And that is a good thing if you want to understand many sides of a discussion.

Why the vitriol of anger over a simple question?

 

[mhsjax]

My apologies if you felt I was bullying you. I always was taught that a good discussion included knowing the perspective of the participants. A parent will have a different (note, not better just different) perspective than a non-parent. And that is a good thing if you want to understand many sides of a discussion.

Why the vitriol of anger over a simple question?

This is the normal MO for this poster.

 

[cornflake]

I do wonder what CPS would have to say about you kicking your 15yr old out on the streets.. I would hope you'd be charged with something. How sad you feel this way.. I'd do everything in my power to help my child, I would hope she'd have the baby... I am pro-life.. I'd even take your pregnant 15yr old in and support her the way a mother should support her daughter no matter what choice they make in life.

Really? No matter what? What if your 15-year-old chooses to become a stoner? Will you support that? What if they had the child and then decided to dump it on you and go out and party a lot?

What if your child chooses to become a con artist or thief? What about a drunk driver? Do you just support that? They're not equal but this 'you should support your child no matter what choice they make and help them no matter the consequence' thing just baffles me.

I really don't think most of you mean that.

You mean you'll support them in what you consider good choices, or not terrible choices. I consider deciding to become a parent at 15 a really terrible choice and I'm not supporting it in any way, shape or form.