What should I say to my neighbor about her kids?

[FayeW]

If the behavior annoys the OP, then it should stop.

Absolutely. All the OP needs to do to make it stop is to assign seats, no switching allowed, and tell them (all of them, DD included) to keep quiet all the way to school or she won't be able to drive them anymore.

 

[OceanAnnie]

The OP never said anything about them "incessantly picking on" her daughter!

She said they are either "picking on her (in a kidding way) or bickering between themselves and it is driviing me nuts" and went on to say in another post that the teasing was neither "egrigous or cruel".

Hey, I'm all for some good old fashioned righteous indignation on someone else's behalf, but based on what I am reading here, in Mom's own words, the problem is between the OP and the kids...not the OP's daughter. She was offended because the 7 yr old implied (by way of a bet with his sister) that they were running late, not her daughter. She's just tired of listening to two extra kids horse around and squabble first thing in the morning, and that's okay. No need to blow things out of proportion.

Semantics. Your take is different than mine. I'll agree to disagree with you. Your guess is as good as mine.

I think taking charge of the situation is doing the right thing for the right reason.

 

[pweyl36]

Is your DD an only child-were you an only child? Honestly, most of it sounds like normal sibling stuff.

Thats what I was going to say, because my kids do the same thing.

 

[TEENEE]

Sounds like normal kid stuff to me. They have been together every school day and are comfortable with each other, no big deal. It's also the end of the school year and they are ready for summer. All kids get a little antsy this time of year. Try to distract them, sing a silly song, ask them questions, anything to change their routine. When we were kids my mom would say "order in the court room, the monkey wants to speak, no laughing, no talking, no showing your teeth." The first person to speak, laugh or show their teeth is the monkey. I use that little game with kids all the time, it works. The first time you try it they won't understand. Once you explain it they will have fun with it. Explain it to your dd before they get in the car so she has the upperhand. That way she won't be the monkey the first time you play.

 

[FayeW]

I tend to agree with those who say that the behavior isn't acceptable. I also don't agree that being nasty on a daily basis is just being a kid (I'm not an only child either ). I think what they're doing is being bratty.
I would call the kids on their behavior and tell them that if it didn't stop I was going to talk to their mother. I would also tell DD (at home alone) that she was not to allow them to push her around anymore (such as giving up the seat). She does need to learn how to stand up for herself.

She never said they were "nasty" (and certainly not "daily") Actually, she said just the opposite when she said the "picking on" was in a kidding way (so I guess that makes it "teasing", not "picking on") and she also said that nothing they said was egregious or cruel! She has said outright that when they cross the line she tells them, and I assume that ends it. She also said it bothers her, not her daughter.

These two kids, for whatever reason, get on the OP's nerves. That doesn't make them brats, nasty, bad kids, bullies,or anything else. Just kids who annoy her and she doesn't want to drive them anymore.

This thread was about "what should I tell their mother". I don't see anything worth talking about, really, and certainly nothing worth damaging a friendly relationship with a good neighbor. If her daughter was crying or complaining about the way they treated her, absolutely, but OP is upset by this stuff, not her DD. Just tell them to be quiet and don't drive them next year.

 

[laurie31]

I agree about the silence thing. Six blocks isn't too long for that. Get some fun music and play that. They can sing along, or else be silent. Make seat assignments and make them absolute - no switching, even if your DD agrees.

Make the rules clear and concise. Announce that things are going to change or you will tell their mother you can't drive them anymore. There will be silence and there will be assigned seating.

Try telling the kids the new rules. Then, if things don't improve after 2-3 days, tell their mother that you are sorry, but unless their behavior in your car improves for the rest of this year, you will not be able to drive them next year. First give the kids a chance to change. If they don't, give them mom a chance to make them change.

Please don't call and dump the carpool without giving the mom a chance to fix it. The year I depended on someone to take my DD to school, I would have A - completely freaked to be suddenly without the transportation I depended upon and had no idea I could lose and would have been left in a serious bind and B- jerked a HUGE knot in DD's tailfeathers if she was behaving in such a way as to jeapordize that transportation. It doesn't matter if the behavior is that bad or not- it's bothering you and you are DRIVING. Stuff that wouldn't bother me so much in the house is not tolerated in the car. Just a moment of distration is all it takes, you know? I would be mortified to learn my kids were bothering the person driving them. All it would take would be threatening them with the bus and that would end that. DD would rather die. LOL.

(btw, my dd does ride the bus home -it's just in the mornings that the bus is evil incarnate, because she would have to get up an HOUR earlier due to the time it comes by our house. I am able to drive her myself now, but there was a year I couldn't and we carpooled).

 

[horseshowmom]

She never said they were "nasty" (and certainly not "daily") Actually, she said just the opposite when she said the "picking on" was in a kidding way (so I guess that makes it "teasing", not "picking on") and she also said that nothing they said was egregious or cruel! She has said outright that when they cross the line she tells them, and I assume that ends it. She also said it bothers her, not her daughter.

These two kids, for whatever reason, get on the OP's nerves. That doesn't make them brats, nasty, bad kids, bullies,or anything else. Just kids who annoy her and she doesn't want to drive them anymore.

I have to humbly disagree. Having spent more than 20 years in a school setting, I've seen lots of kids who behaved in a similar manner. You can be certain that kids know how to pick on other kids in a "nice" way (particularly when adults are present). It's like picking a scab when it goes on and on and on.

I don't doubt for a second that they know what they're doing, and I really think it needs to be stopped. The fact that the boy told the little girl to move over when he knew it was her day to sit there shows his intent to me. As another poster said, I suspect that the little girl would rather pretend that it's not really happening.

 

[FayeW]

The fact that the boy told the little girl to move over when he knew it was her day to sit there shows his intent to me. .

You mean his intent to sit by the window and not get squished in the middle between two girls?

Yeah, that was pretty transparent.

 

[IntercomGroupPage]

Coming from someone who got picked on incessantly and had a mother who did NOTHING about it, I encourage you to show your daughter that you care about her well-being and will stand up for her.

If they are now making "bets", it's clear that they are now planning on things to do to bug your daughter.

And FayeW, seems to me that maybe this rings a bit too close to home for you.

 

[stitchlovestink]

I drive my DD and my neighbor's 2 kids to school every morning. I offered to drive her kids early in the year, and don't mind it as it's no extra work for me. She leaves for work around that same time and I am a SAHM, plus I do really like the mom. She is one of the nicest, best people around!

But. (there's always a but, right?) It seems like ever since Christmas, her kids have become increasingly surly in the morning and it's changing my and DD's moods in the drive to school. The younger one sits in the back with my DD and intimidates her into always sitting in the middle while he gets the window (and it's HER car!) Every morning, it's getting harder to listen to them either picking on her (in a kidding way, it's hard to call them out on it but I do when they cross the line) or just complaining and fighting between themselves.

So, I'm ready to talk to the mom (my friend) about addressing it with her kids, but I want to say this in the nicest possible way without sounding like I'm insulting her kids. This is something I don't get anything back for, btw - her kids come home via daycare van so she's not driving my DD from school. Like I said, I don't mind, I like her, I like being green with the carpooling, etc - - I just want to get to the bottom of why her kids have turned nasty and making them stop.

Any ideas? Especially from any Southern moms, who can say anything and make it sound like a compliment!

bolding is mine....
I would say that maybe the Daughter is not verbalizing that it bothers her, but I have a hard time believing that as it is causing her mood to change in the car. If it truly did not bother her, her mood shouldn't/wouldn't change.
just my .02
And I do think they need to stop. while maybe they're not being brats, they are being manipulative of the OP's DD.

 

[Amy&Dan]

I would just tell the mom: "you know its getting near the end of the year, I have noticed the boys getting that end of year antsiness and they seem to not like riding with X (daughter's name). Maybe its just a stage, and I don't mind taking them, but if riding in my cars with my rules, with my daughter is too much, no hard feelings. I'll certainly understand if you find you need to make other arragnements".

I had this happen when my son and a friend walked to school together in 6th grade. This other kid's parents came to me (I didn't know them but knew their son slighly from volunteering in ds' and his 5th grade class). They were worried about their son walking home alone and asked if he could walk home with my son, then spend about 10-15 minutes at my house when they would then pick him up. No biggie right? Wrong. Gradually this kid began to be annoyed by ds, would tell ds not to walk with him (which ds was fine with) then come strolling into my house, complain, ask my dd to leave the room, turn on the tv to what he wanted, you name it. I asked the dad nicely to have his son please be a bit more respectful, he agreed and then dh had a conversation with dad when things got no better and then when it still didn't change, dh called the dad and said we were done.

It was all petty and minor but that 15 minutes each afternoon was miserable for me and the time ds spent walking home while this other kid would walk with other kids and make fun of ds was unacceptable. The dad seemed fine with it, saying "well he blew it didn't he?". I know it put them in a bind since they really didn't want this 12 year old kid walking into an empty house but in the end, it wasn't my problem.

And OP, its not your problem as to how these kids get to school. You are doing this family a favor. Talk to the mom and if she can't get her kids to behave better, tell her, too bad, so sad, no more rides. In the end, the only obligation you have is to your own daughter. Its easy to say its typical kids stuff and not a big deal until its you having to deal with them!

 

[breezy1077]

It sounds like the OP wants to "tattle" on the kids to their Mom. But that just undermines her authority IMO.

My advice? "Woman up" and take charge. No negativity would be allowed in the car in the mornings if it were me. I'd hold a little meeting with all the kids one morning and set the ground rules (which should have been done at the first sign of contention - but better late than never ).

Oh, and I would let my daughter sit up front with me.

If the problem continues, then talk to the Mom.

Mountains out of molehills in the whole scheme of things IMHO.

 

[FayeW]

And FayeW, seems to me that maybe this rings a bit too close to home for you.

Not at all.

It's just a pet peeve of mine when people exaggerate.

 

[laurie31]

I have to cringe at the people who think it's okay for the OP's daughter to ride in the front seat! (I've seen more than one post suggesting that as a solution)

It doesn't matter if she's going 5 mph in a parking lot and barely bumps something; if the airbag deploys, there can be very serious head and eye injuries to a child. I'm relieved that the OP knows this is not an option, but I'm shocked to know there are people "out there" who think this is okay.

(and I wouldn't let my kids sit in the front, even if the car doesn't have air bags. Paramedics don't call it the "suicide seat" for nothing...)

Besides, even if the OP's child were in the front, the other kids could still taunt/tease her. The bit about betting on her breakfast happened before they even got in the car.

Tell the neighbor's kids to stop and let them know you MEAN it!

 

[TimothyQMouse]

Your daughter is an only child, isn't she? Siblings bicker. A lot. It's the nature of things. As kids get comfortable with one another, they typically become more aggressive in their negotiations with each other. It's how they learn. Don't sweat over it.

Do provide structure. Enforce simple and fair rules for things like who gets the window seat.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

If the other mom and the op leave for work at the same time, then the other mom can drive her kids to school. It's not leaving the mom in the lurch; the op is doing the mom a courtesy by picking them up. There's no assumed contract or obligation. If the other mom thinks there is, that's her problem.

I was one who posted about the front seat. I assumed that the kids were older than 12/over 100 lbs, which is what my minivan says is the requirement.

The vast majority of injuries were from 1st generation airbags. The last ten years the decelerated airbags, combined with fewer SMALL children in the front seat, has vastly reduced the number of injuries.

 

[ols386]

I agree. I'd tell that to the kids and not even address it with the mom. I'd discuss w/ your DD (in private) ways to keep the peace and still be happy. Have a united front. Maybe she could give up the window seat 1 or 2 days out of the week? It would be the day(s) of her choosing. If she agreed, I'd make it a rule. She'd feel more control and know you back her up. Bicker time over.

I agree with this. I wouldn't even address it with the mother. It's your car, you're the adult, and you have the authority to communicate to them that they must follow your rules, in your car. If the other children mention it to their mom, and she questions you about it, then that would be the time to discuss it with the other mom.

 

[luvsJack]

Some of you are reading waaaayy too much into this. This is NOT bullying. And you cannot possibly know what this kid would do when the OP is not watching; he may not do anything more than he is doing now and may even be protective of the OP's dd (like a big brother or something). My younger ds was bullied--I repeat this is NOT bullying. This is teasing.

And yes siblings do act this way--my sons acted this way ALL THE TIME!! Drove me nuts. But you can bet your bottom dollar that no one else could treat either of them that way.

OP, just set down the ground rules: take turns sitting in the middle (and no trading seats), no teasing each other, etc. And I would say it to all of them not single anyone out. Just explain to your daughter ahead of time that you are going to do this and that you don't mean it to her. And tell them that if they break the rules you will have to talk to their Mom.

If they break them--tell their mom. Just say to her: "I had to set some rules for in the car and Johnny keeps breaking one of them. I am concerned about our safety in the car if he keeps doing this" and then explain the problem.

 

[horseshowmom]

You mean his intent to sit by the window and not get squished in the middle between two girls?

Yeah, that was pretty transparent.

It was pretty transparent that he was bossing her around to get his way regardless of what the OP had said concerning seating.

Your daughter is an only child, isn't she?

Do provide structure. Enforce simple and fair rules for things like who gets the window seat.

The OP has already said that her daughter is not an only child (and neither is she) - post 20.

I do agree with the structure and enforcement of the rules.

 

[Frantasmic]

The simplest solution, from the information that has been provided, is for the OP's daughter to make sure and get in the car last. If the other kid is asking her to scoot over, she's getting in too soon, taking the prized window seat and then allowing the Johnny come lately to dictate where she sits.

She can have a window seat each day if she's the last one in the car.

This is how kid's interact; it is also a form of social Darwinism (or "harassment if you want to call it that). I think that is what is bothering the OP most is that the child isn't taking up for what she should.

We carpool as well and our next door neighbor is a year older than my son and an only. So, he's used to the attention and apparently the whole world has to be "fair" in his favor. We have reduced car pooling to 2 days a week and intend to quit altogether next year. It's just not worth it. The kid knows everything about anything (I could make a thread with the wrong things he "knows". And he wants every adult to enforce things in his favor and he's very manipulative and expects the world to bow to his wishes, or con you into doing things his way. He's a lot like his mother.