What should I say to my neighbor about her kids?

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Thanks for the ideas so far. I should've mentioned I already rotate seats between back window and back middle, and I've already told them numerous times "we don't talk like that in this car" or the terse "Knock it off, that's enough guys!" The kids are about 7 and 10.

My DD is not old enough to sit in the front, though I may allow it for the 6 residential blocks to the school driveway. That would put the two siblings together and essentially elevate DD to the top of the pecking order in one fell swoop.

Thing is, it doesn't seem to bother my DD7 as much as it bothers ME. If I were only driving DD, there would be pleasant banter back and forth. I don't like to be nagging, but I do call them out when they cross the line.

For example, today when they rang the doorbell 2 mins early, the younger boy said "I won, she's still eating" to his sister. Apparently, they'd bet on whether my DD would be ready to walk out the door and he won. (mind you, we are NEVER tardy to school and they were early). I reminded DD it was her turn to sit by the window, yet the boy told her to scootch over and she did. I turned around and reminded her it was her turn for the window but she said she didn't care. Then on the drive to school, they teased her about the way she said a certain word. None of these things were egregious or cruel, but over time cumulatively, they are driving me nuts. Maybe it's me now, because I am mentally just waiting for the what they'll say the next morning... My DD doesn't really seem to care - I don't know if it's going over her head or if she just doesn't notice/ care. And they don't really attack her, it's more subtle than that. Like I said, I notice most of all...

I'm thinking of something along the lines of asking my neighbor if her kids are having trouble getting ready for school or dislike school more lately because they seem to be so unhappy during the ride in the morning. Plus, I can tell the kids myself tomorrow to stop the sniping or I'm talking to their mom about it and give them a chance to stop on their own first.

Ok, after having read this, just put a stop to it. Life is too short to put up with this crap.

TODAY, politely tell the mother that your morning schedule has changed and that you won't be able to drive her kids to school anymore.

Just call her home phone when you know she won't be home and leave a message on the machine that says, "Hey Susan, it's Jane. I just wanted to give you a heads up that my morning schedule has changed and I won't be able to drive God and Zilla into school anymore. I hope you have a good summer and I'm sure we'll see you at the pool. "

If she brings it up later (and she won't if she has any sense but she may) just say you've been working on some projects, going to the gym, joined a morning knitting league, anything that will let the subject die off without it becoming a battle point.

Really, it's making you unhappy, just stop doing it and spend that time enjoying your daughter, as you get older you'll really enjoy that time with her-I find out the most interesting things on the way to school with my two DD's...

I also agree with a previous poster that your daughter is looking to you to stand up for her, even if she can't put it into words. Put her first, dump the brats.

 

[Mkrop]

I dont know if I would dump the carpool as the kids and mom may be relying on you but I certainly would take this opportunity to teach your DD to stand up for herself. And I would totally tell the kids off. I would threaten to call their mom if the behavior didnt change but I would let them change it first.

Like the example you gave of the seat, I would not have let Johnny tell your DD to scootch over. I would have firmly said. No Johnny we have stated that Wednesdays are DD's turn at the window, yours is tomorrow. If DD says that is ok, so no it isnt, please sit by the window. Stand up for her and encourage her to the same.

It is also the end of the school year almost and I think a lot of kids are getting testy as they wait for summer to get here.

 

[FayeW]

You said it bothers you more than it bothers her. You hit the nail right on the head...this is your problem with these kids (who are behaving like perfectly normal children, BTW).I think that you are over reacting and being too sensitive about something that obviously doesn't bother your daughter in the least.

You have said in this thread that it doesn't bother her, that she doesn't mind "scootching over", etc. Sounds like your daughter is just used to the normal teasing of siblings and friends.

I think you just don't want to carpool anymore. That's fair, there is no obligation for you to continue. Talking to the Mom is really overkill, though, because it sounds like they behave the way kids do when they are comfortable with each other, and your daughter doesn't even notice any slight (be it real or imagined on your part). This is a non issue. Don't blow it out of proportion a ruin a friendship with a good neighbour. Tell the kids to sit in the seat they are assigned for the day and be done with it.

 

[HM]

This doesn't sound good at all.
Your daughter is being systematically harassed by these kids (that are actually acting like bullies). She has to be taught to speak out for herself and you have to show her how. She should never take that kind of treatment quietly. It will only get worse. The nieghbor kids will tell other kids that she's a pushover and then it will be happening at school (and may already be!).

You need to set the parameters in your car. You can tell them that what you expect from them each day. Then you need to tell you daughter how to empower herself. If you don't know how, then start looking in the library for books (American Girl probably has some you can read together) both for you and your daughter.

Good luck. I'm pulling for your daughter!!!

 

[disneyjunkie]

You said it bothers you more than it bothers her. You hit the nail right on the head...this is your problem with these kids (who are behaving like perfectly normal children, BTW).I think that you are over reacting and being too sensitive about something that obviously doesn't bother your daughter in the least.

You have said in this thread that it doesn't bother her, that she doesn't mind "scootching over", etc. Sounds like your daughter is just used to the normal teasing of siblings and friends.

I think you just don't want to carpool anymore. That's fair, there is no obligation for you to continue. Talking to the Mom is really overkill, though, because it sounds like they behave the way kids do when they are comfortable with each other, and your daughter doesn't even notice any slight (be it real or imagined on your part). This is a non issue. Don't blow it out of proportion a ruin a friendship with a good neighbour. Tell the kids to sit in the seat they are assigned for the day and be done with it.

 

[Jennasis]

You tell the little heathens that there will be silence in the car from now on. No touching no talking...nadda. It;s only 6 blocks to school right? They can deal with it. Then you ASSIGN seats. DD gets the window and one of the siblings (whichever is old enough) gets the front seat.

SILENCE IS GOLDEN.

 

[Tink888]

If it were me, I wouldn't say anything to the Mom unless the kids were totally out of control. I'd finish out the remaining weeks of the school year and I'd lay down the law in MY car and next year I wouldn't offer to drive them. If the sibs gang up on your DD, separate the sibs. If they say something which is mean, don't just say "knock it off", say "stop it, that was mean, this is how it was mean" and steer the conversation in another direction.

IMHO all families are different and deal with eachother differently. Some of what you described just sounds like regular sibling banter. It sounds like maybe your kids/family deals with eachother in a calmer manner with less banter. Neither is necessarily wrong. Maybe the kids have become so comfortable with you and your DD, they've let their guard down and obviously it's crossing your personal boundaries. They need to be reminded that in your car everyone deals with eachother on your comfort level. KWIM?

How long is the drive to school? You mentioned six blocks. That's really not that far of a ride to allow yourself to become so frustrated everyday, particularly if your DD doesn't seem to be upset by it. Maybe the kids you drive need to become a little more sensitive and you need to become a little less sensitive and the ride will be more pleasant for everyone. Hang in there and I hope it works out.

 

[daisax]

Thing is, it doesn't seem to bother my DD7 as much as it bothers ME.

SNIP

I'm thinking of something along the lines of asking my neighbor if her kids are having trouble getting ready for school or dislike school more lately because they seem to be so unhappy during the ride in the morning. Plus, I can tell the kids myself tomorrow to stop the sniping or I'm talking to their mom about it and give them a chance to stop on their own first.

Seriously -- your daughter is being bullied in her own car under her mother's supervision. Kids who are bullied retreat into themselves and try to pretend that it doesn't matter, hoping it will stop. With each post the description of what's going on in your car sounds more vicious (to me, anyway).

I would give them one chance -- "I am sick and tired of this garbage every morning -- you need an attitude adjustment and if you don't knock it off starting right now we're going to have a nice sit down chat with your mother." And don't move the car until people are in the seats YOU assigned them -- they have lost negotiation rights.

And as soon as the first one pipes up to complain, pull over, dial her number, and ask her to come over tonight for a quick meeting about the carpool situation, because the children are no longer getting along and you've tried to stay out of it but it's reaching serious nastiness levels now and you both need to sit everybody down and set some ground rules together.

 

[Miz Diz]

I would address it with the kids. And if it is dds turn to sit by the window and one of the kids tells her to scootch over, I would say, "No, so-and-so, everyone takes a turn in the middle and it's your turn today."

It may be that your dd does care, but doesn't want to cause any problems.

Southern girl here and I have no problem putting kids in their place

 

[Camicar]

Ugh, I got a little sick to my stomach reading that because I was in a very similar situation as a child and my mother did NOTHING. I am a pretty tough cookie, but being bullied in your own car in front of my your own mother does things to your self-esteem. I never said anything either, because I felt like my mother's silence condoned the bullying. It escalated one night after Girl Scouts when my mother went back in because she'd forgotten her purse and the girl actually started beating me up in MY OWN CAR. Then my mother did something, but it was really almost too late because the dynamic had been set. That was 35 years ago and it still makes me feel sick inside.

So....I'd tell the kids they had one last chance to behave or carpooling was over.

And I wouldn't feel too guilty about it because (1) I never feel bad about showing bullies that actions have consequences and (2) it's only 6 blocks -- they can walk it.

 

[npmommie]

I agree with everyone about setting the rules in your car. You do need to stick up for your dd,even though on the outside it looks like things don't bother her.
don't worry about hurting feelings. set the rules, if they don't change then tell the mom this has to end. life is too short for this nonsense,
and for the pp who said this is normal behaviour, why is it normal to harass and tease and make fun of someone. it shouldn't be. it is accepted as normal and that is why imo things progress sometimes to nasty bullying.
why not teach kids it is NOT normal to tease and harass someone, it shouldn't be accepted as "normal" behaviour, what should be accepted is respectful nice behaviour.
jmo

 

[MoniqueU]

Here's an opinion from the other side. The neighbors take my 2 DD's to school and we pick up their DD from school. My youngest DD was jockeying for the front seat in the neighbors car with the little girs that takes her. They are both 11. My oldest DD is 12 and weighs a bit more and is quite a few inches taller then my youngest dd who was fighting for the front seat. I don't think my oldest DD was trying for the front seat. The neighbor girl weighs a heck of a lot more then my youngest dd and probably more then my oldest. I got wind of what my youngest DD was doing. I don't remember how I found out, it wasn't a confrontation type thing or and "issure". I think the little girls oldest sister let me know. Anyway I told my youngest dd that no way no how was she allowed to ride in the front seat of their car. I used the excuse of her height and weight. They are doing us a huge favor and while my kids are not brats IMHO my DD needed to be put in her place and be told she had to sit in the back. When we pick up she and the little girl both sit in the back and my oldest DD who is tall and weighs enough to sit in the front seat rides in the front. This has solved all problems as far as I know.

 

[boltfans]

Seriously -- your daughter is being bullied in her own car under her mother's supervision. Kids who are bullied retreat into themselves and try to pretend that it doesn't matter, hoping it will stop. With each post the description of what's going on in your car sounds more vicious (to me, anyway).

I would give them one chance -- "I am sick and tired of this garbage every morning -- you need an attitude adjustment and if you don't knock it off starting right now we're going to have a nice sit down chat with your mother." And don't move the car until people are in the seats YOU assigned them -- they have lost negotiation rights.

And as soon as the first one pipes up to complain, pull over, dial her number, and ask her to come over tonight for a quick meeting about the carpool situation, because the children are no longer getting along and you've tried to stay out of it but it's reaching serious nastiness levels now and you both need to sit everybody down and set some ground rules together.

I completely agree with this and this is how I would handle it. Sometimes it may not appear to bother a kid, but they're just staying quiet so they don't get picked on further. Who knows what goes on when you're not around that your daughter is trying to avoid.

 

[Crystal0608]

I have to use someone else's vehicle to pick up their 2 kids from daycare a few times a month usually without my kids. When the screaming, name calling, and/or hitting starts, I give a couple warnings that they need to calm down. When they don't listen, the next side road or parking lot I pull over, park the car, and call their dad on speakerphone. Works like a charm .

 

[Wishing on a star]

Simple....

YOU are the adult.
YOU own, and are driving the car.
YOU have a child who should be your first priority.

Step up to the plate.

These kids are walking all over you and your daughter because they have been allowed to. Would never have gotten to this point with me...

PS: The school year is almost over... I would take charge... Make it thru the next few weeks... and then find a way out of this obligation next year.

 

[FayeW]

I agree with everyone about setting the rules in your car. You do need to stick up for your dd,even though on the outside it looks like things don't bother her.
don't worry about hurting feelings. set the rules, if they don't change then tell the mom this has to end. life is too short for this nonsense,
and for the pp who said this is normal behaviour, why is it normal to harass and tease and make fun of someone. it shouldn't be. it is accepted as normal and that is why imo things progress sometimes to nasty bullying.
why not teach kids it is NOT normal to tease and harass someone, it shouldn't be accepted as "normal" behaviour, what should be accepted is respectful nice behaviour.
jmo

Good grief. What the OP described doesn't sound like harassing to me. It sounds like normal interaction between children who are very comfortable with each other.

No wonder kids today are stressed, anxious and depressed. If we shelter them from everything they will never learn how to deal with anything!

OP, why don't you casually ask your daughter how she feels about driving with the other kids. Maybe say, "hey, did it bug you when XXX said he thought you would still be eating?" or some such thing. Don't be surprised if she looks at you like you have two heads for even implying she might have been upset!

From my experience, as parents we sometimes read too much into things. I've certainly been guilty of it myself. We never want our kids to have their feelings hurt. I think kids tend to take things at face value alot more than we do and something that might hurt our feelings doesn't even register with them unless we call it to their attention. I think that's what your daughter has been telling you, Mom.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I agree with everyone about setting the rules in your car. You do need to stick up for your dd,even though on the outside it looks like things don't bother her.
don't worry about hurting feelings. set the rules, if they don't change then tell the mom this has to end. life is too short for this nonsense,
and for the pp who said this is normal behaviour, why is it normal to harass and tease and make fun of someone. it shouldn't be. it is accepted as normal and that is why imo things progress sometimes to nasty bullying.
why not teach kids it is NOT normal to tease and harass someone, it shouldn't be accepted as "normal" behaviour, what should be accepted is respectful nice behaviour.
jmo

ITA.

Normal behavior is for siblings to pick on one another occasionally, not incessant picking on another child.

 

[horseshowmom]

I tend to agree with those who say that the behavior isn't acceptable. I also don't agree that being nasty on a daily basis is just being a kid (I'm not an only child either ). I think what they're doing is being bratty.

I would call the kids on their behavior and tell them that if it didn't stop I was going to talk to their mother. I would also tell DD (at home alone) that she was not to allow them to push her around anymore (such as giving up the seat). She does need to learn how to stand up for herself.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Good grief. What the OP described doesn't sound like harassing to me. It sounds like normal interaction between children who are very comfortable with each other.

No wonder kids today are stressed, anxious and depressed. If we shelter them from everything they will never learn how to deal with anything!

OP, why don't you casually ask your daughter how she feels about driving with the other kids. Maybe say, "hey, did it bug you when XXX said he thought you would still be eating?" or some such thing. Don't be surprised if she looks at you like you have two heads for even implying she might have been upset!

From my experience, as parents we sometimes read too much into things. I've certainly been guilty of it myself. We never want our kids to have their feelings hurt. I think kids tend to take things at face value alot more than we do and something that might hurt our feelings doesn't even register with them unless we call it to their attention. I think that's what your daughter has been telling you, Mom.

If the behavior annoys the OP, then it should stop.

 

[FayeW]

ITA.

Normal behavior is for siblings to pick on one another occasionally, not incessant picking on another child.

The OP never said anything about them "incessantly picking on" her daughter!

She said they are either "picking on her (in a kidding way) or bickering between themselves and it is driviing me nuts" and went on to say in another post that the teasing was neither "egregous or cruel".

Hey, I'm all for some good old fashioned righteous indignation on someone else's behalf, but based on what I am reading here, in Mom's own words, the problem is between the OP and the kids...not the OP's daughter. She was offended because the 7 yr old implied (by way of a bet with his sister) that they were running late, not her daughter. She's just tired of listening to two extra kids horse around and squabble first thing in the morning, and that's okay. No need to blow things out of proportion.