What more can I do??

[threecrazykids]

Just venting here...so any suggestions are welcome. And beware...it's long.

I don't know what more I can do to help my 15 yo DS care or become motivated.

My hubby and I both feel that we have failed horribly somewhere along the way as parents. He doesn't do well in school because he "forgets" every stinking assignment given to him. I'm talking basic things like studying for tests or doing the daily homework. It has been this way since he started 5th grade (middle school). He BARELY gets passing grades and this is because he steps it up right at the end of a quarter to simply PASS the class.

He doesn't want to work for anything, be it money, more privelages, or just plain pride. He just doesn't seem to "care" about ANYTHING!

Here is an example of what I'm referring to: (And let me add that talking to him is LITERALLY like talking to Napoleon Dynamite...always that blank stare that says "I have no clue what is going on in this world". And I'm not saying that to be funny...

A couple of weeks after school was let out I get a call from another mom who asks me if DS is going to football camp this fall. I said "hmmm...I'm assuming so, did they send home paperwork on it?"
"uhhh...yeah, the payment was due last Friday".
"hmmm...he never said anything about it, I'll have to ask him".

So I call him and say "DS...were you planning on going to football camp this fall?"
"uhhhh....yeah..."
"where is the paperwork they gave you?"
"I didn't get any paperwork"
"really???...during the meeting you went to a few days before school was out did they not give you any paperwork?"
"oh yeah...maybe...i don't know"
"The payment was due the Friday they let out school!"
"oh"
(***insert crickets chirp***)

NOTHING! Just silence on the phone...like "well...what are we gonna do now?" Yet he has no plan...just waiting for me to tell him.

So then I ask him again if he really WANTS to go or if he just doesn't care. He says that no, he wants to go out but just forgot.

But seriously...this is with EVERYTHING. Showering, brushing teeth, day to day hygene, you name it. "I forgot" is something I literally hear 50 times a week from this kid.
He is responsible for cleaning up the table every night after dinner (we have a dishwasher). Despite having this responsibility for over a year, I STILL have to ask him to come back and complete this task EVERY NIGHT...why??? because "oh, I forgot". Every missing assignment is "I thought I handed that in".

He has been taking medicine for ADD since he's been in 4th grade and I still have to remind him every single day to take the medicine or he'll "forget". He has ZERO motivation to do anything other than sit in front of a TV all day. He doesn't really have a group of "friends", they are what I would call classmates or teammates...not someone he's really close to. No one calls him to come over or hang out, and he couldn't care less. He will tell you he has friends and that he cares about sports but doesn't ever have any actions behind the words.

He is what I would consider immature for his age. When I see him around other kids in his grade it makes me upset because I want him to have friends, I want him to be social but he is absolutely content playing video games with his 9 year old brother all day every day.

Trust me, I've yanked the TV, taken away the cell phone back in January (he didn't care about that either), tried doing positive reinforcement...nothing works.

I guess I'm just trying to find ideas on how to get a kid to CARE. I don't even care WHAT he cares about or is motivated about. ANYTHING at this point would be nice.

I feel like letting him completely fail in life really isn't going to be productive for ANYONE!

 

[mrsv98]

Have you had him reassessed? It may be that the ADD meds are making him feel like a zombie. It is something I have heard from other ADD kids before. The first thing I would do is get him in for a physical with his regular doc and an assessment with his ADD doc.

If those check out well then maybe a therapist could help. To me it sounds like he is depressed and it is making his affect appear blank.

Good luck, I can feel your frustration.

 

[HsvTeacher]

I would agree that you need to get his meds reassessed. If the dosage isn't right, it could be causing the behaviors you are describing. Also, sometimes ADD and ADHD meds can cause depression in children and teens. Not saying that he is depressed, but you may want to ask your doctor about that, too.

Hope the situation gets better soon!

 

[threecrazykids]

According to his doctor he's on a very low dosage. I know there are many factors that go into the dosage amount, but he's only on 25 mg.

I've talked to the doctor about it several times at which he says that he really believes the dosage of the medicine is correct. I've even had him weened off the medicine to see if he'd do better without it...Id rather have him more hyper than just blah.

He simply becomes more "annoying" to everyone when he's not on it. Just pick pick PICK at his siblings, wrestling around all the time, very compulsive.

 

[jen0610]

Just venting here...so any suggestions are welcome. And beware...it's long.

I don't know what more I can do to help my 15 yo DS care or become motivated.

My hubby and I both feel that we have failed horribly somewhere along the way as parents. He doesn't do well in school because he "forgets" every stinking assignment given to him. I'm talking basic things like studying for tests or doing the daily homework. It has been this way since he started 5th grade (middle school). He BARELY gets passing grades and this is because he steps it up right at the end of a quarter to simply PASS the class.

He doesn't want to work for anything, be it money, more privelages, or just plain pride. He just doesn't seem to "care" about ANYTHING!

Here is an example of what I'm referring to: (And let me add that talking to him is LITERALLY like talking to Napoleon Dynamite...always that blank stare that says "I have no clue what is going on in this world". And I'm not saying that to be funny...

A couple of weeks after school was let out I get a call from another mom who asks me if DS is going to football camp this fall. I said "hmmm...I'm assuming so, did they send home paperwork on it?"
"uhhh...yeah, the payment was due last Friday".
"hmmm...he never said anything about it, I'll have to ask him".

So I call him and say "DS...were you planning on going to football camp this fall?"
"uhhhh....yeah..."
"where is the paperwork they gave you?"
"I didn't get any paperwork"
"really???...during the meeting you went to a few days before school was out did they not give you any paperwork?"
"oh yeah...maybe...i don't know"
"The payment was due the Friday they let out school!"
"oh"
(***insert crickets chirp***)

NOTHING! Just silence on the phone...like "well...what are we gonna do now?" Yet he has no plan...just waiting for me to tell him.

So then I ask him again if he really WANTS to go or if he just doesn't care. He says that no, he wants to go out but just forgot.

But seriously...this is with EVERYTHING. Showering, brushing teeth, day to day hygene, you name it. "I forgot" is something I literally hear 50 times a week from this kid.
He is responsible for cleaning up the table every night after dinner (we have a dishwasher). Despite having this responsibility for over a year, I STILL have to ask him to come back and complete this task EVERY NIGHT...why??? because "oh, I forgot". Every missing assignment is "I thought I handed that in".

He has been taking medicine for ADD since he's been in 4th grade and I still have to remind him every single day to take the medicine or he'll "forget". He has ZERO motivation to do anything other than sit in front of a TV all day. He doesn't really have a group of "friends", they are what I would call classmates or teammates...not someone he's really close to. No one calls him to come over or hang out, and he couldn't care less. He will tell you he has friends and that he cares about sports but doesn't ever have any actions behind the words.

He is what I would consider immature for his age. When I see him around other kids in his grade it makes me upset because I want him to have friends, I want him to be social but he is absolutely content playing video games with his 9 year old brother all day every day.

Trust me, I've yanked the TV, taken away the cell phone back in January (he didn't care about that either), tried doing positive reinforcement...nothing works.

I guess I'm just trying to find ideas on how to get a kid to CARE. I don't even care WHAT he cares about or is motivated about. ANYTHING at this point would be nice.

I feel like letting him completely fail in life really isn't going to be productive for ANYONE!

This is our 14 year old DS to a T!!! He has the hyper part of ADD. The only thing he is motivated to do is practice his music. That he will do and we don't have to ride him to do it either.

We were forced last school year to do the take things away to get him to understand cause and effect. The only thing that was like the punch to the stomach that got his attention, was losing every single one of his Star Wars Clone/Storm troopers. This is a big thing with him, as he has over 100 of the things in various types and styles - small figures to collectable busts. He seems to be doing better, but there are days when it is Logan did you....and rattle off everything that you or I would do without thought when we get up and get ready to start our day.

I do feel for you. There are many a days where I just want to cry over the feeling of not being a good enough parent to figure out this kid and get him on the right path.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You start with his psychiatrist that prescribes the meds. Indeed ADD meds will turn you into a zombie.

On top of that I would say he is sufferering from anxiety, depression, and possibly another mental illness.

He needs to be re-evaluted and you guys need family counseling. His meds may be incorrect.

And please don't say, his doctor says this is normal or we have tried that. This is not normal and you need to get outside help.

Please do this for him before he is off your insurance.

 

[threecrazykids]

You start with his psychiatrist that prescribes the meds. Indeed ADD meds will turn you into a zombie.

On top of that I would say he is sufferering from anxiety, depression, and possibly another mental illness.

He needs to be re-evaluted and you guys need family counseling. His meds may be incorrect.

And please don't say, his doctor says this is normal or we have tried that. This is not normal and you need to get outside help.

Please do this for him before he is off your insurance.

He doesn't have a psychiatrist. We had him re-evaluated last year and all the signs from the school and the doctors point to "lack of effort" or "disorganization" and the overall ADD label.

I definitely want to get a handle on this before it gets any worse and I'm not at all saying "this is normal" but I HAVE tried talking to his doctor and they DO act like this is more of an environmental issue.

He is going into the 9th grade and on his ITBS he tested out at 11th grade 3rd month...so I don't believe for ONE SECOND he's lacking in the potential.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

He doesn't have a psychiatrist. We had him re-evaluated last year and all the signs from the school and the doctors point to "lack of effort" or "disorganization" and the overall ADD label.

I definitely want to get a handle on this before it gets any worse and I'm not at all saying "this is normal" but I HAVE tried talking to his doctor and they DO act like this is more of an environmental issue.

He is going into the 9th grade and on his ITBS he tested out at 11th grade 3rd month...so I don't believe for ONE SECOND he's lacking in the potential.

Your son is suffering from psychiatric disorders. You can either accept that and get him the help he desperately needs or not that is your choice.

Please get him to a psychiatrist.

 

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

I think the first thing I would do is take him to his doctor for a complete physical and then follow that up with a visit to his psychologist/psychiatrist to make sure there isn't a medical issue (or depression?) involved here.

In the absence of that, I think I'd ask the psychologist/psychiatrist what they advise (which I'm guessing you have already done). If they don't have any advice...well...hmmm. I actually have 2 ideas. One is easy to explain...the other is a bit harder but here goes (and I wish I could say flamesuit on but I don't have one handy...it's just an idea that may or may not work for you is all).

Idea #1: Begin treating him like he is 2 years old...since he hasn't demonstrated a maturity beyond that...and follow him around everywhere! Take some time from work (which may or may not work for you to do...but maybe a friend, relative or grandparent could help you out) and go everywhere with him. Tell him that you will require him to hold your hand (since he's about 2) and that you will sit right next to him in class, at lunch, etc. You will hover over him as he does homework and brushes his teeth, etc. Perhaps he will begin to demonstrate responsibility, maturity and dedication just to get rid of you!

Idea #2 (and this is likely the controversial one). I think I'd begin by showing him MY schedule for the day...make sure it's written and has everything on it from getting up to personal care to laundry to work to fixing meals, etc. I'd show him that MY schedule does not have room for "hounding DS." Then I'd give him a blank piece of paper and have him make HIS daily schedule...literally from getting up to brushing teeth to going to school, etc... until bed time! I'd let him know that from this day forward I am done bailing him out of things.

Next, I'd show him what it costs to run your household (i.e., mortage/rent, utilities, food, etc.) and then produce various articles that indicate what a high school dropout, high school graduate, college graduate, etc., earn during their lifetime and ask him how he plans to support his future household. I'd also begin making him EARN everything...and I mean everything from his socks to his cell phone! I'd let him know that the FREE RIDE is OVER (!) and that he can either earn it or go without. Prepare a "cost" chart...i.e., a load of laundry costs X, meals cost Y and let him know that he can "earn" these things through deeds done (i.e., doing school work, demonstrating responsibility, working or whatever). Yes, it may sound punitive to make a child pay $3 for you to wash a load of his laundry, dry it and fold it...but if he contributes NOTHING but stress to the household, well, there's a cost for that and you've just put a dollar sign on it! Let him know that you love him and that your disturbed that he has so little respect for himself and his family that it has to resort to this. Perhaps even give him a 10 to 30 day warning...i.e., here's what I will implement in 10 to 30 days (you pick the number) if you don't begin to demonstrate responsibility, initiative and maturity.

Final idea is to send him away to military school! My aunt did this with one of her son's when she was at the end of her rope and it worked wonders!

I hope that my ideas (or some portion of them) will help to spark an idea for you. I'm not saying that any of my ideas are right or wrong...only you can decide that.

Good luck!

K

 

[sbell111]

Boys need lists.

TO me, he sounds like a pretty average 15 year old boy. I don't get where some of these posters are coming from.

 

[honugirl]

Have you asked him if he's fatigued? I do that stuff all the time, even when I was a kid, turns out that I was in the beginning stages of a rare disease where I just didn't have the energy to care about anything. It also messes with the mind so I truly forget things all the time. I was not motivated simply because I lacked the energy to be motivated. Good luck! Hope you get it figured out soon.

 

[dawson5]

Is there a possibility that he is not taking his meds? Forgetfulness is a classic sign of ADD. My DS stopped taking his meds about 3 yrs ago. We had a long talk about this, he did not like the way they made him feel and we've allowed him to not take them and suffer the consequences. His grades have suffered and because of that his privileges have also, he knows this and accepts it. I'm at my wits end on what to do, even favorite subjects in school have suffered. What you have written is exactly what we are dealing with now. Our doctor has tried talking with him about alternate medication and he didn't like the way it made him feel, it was probably not the right one and let's try a different one. He is not up for this. I would not want to force medication on him but I do miss seeing the better grades, concentration and not as much rough-housing resulting in injuries with his brothers. On the bright side, I was reading an article about it (ADD/ADHD) and that use of the medication seems to stimulate the growth of the neurotransmitters. I wish I could find that article, was really great.

I would second the therapist. It helps them deal with it, and it should help you also. ADD/ADHD are often the most brightest kids but this holds them back and stops them from making friends. It's rough.

Also, our therapist recommended reading "Driven to Distraction." It's a very insightful book.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

He sounds similar to my 14 year old son. He acts younger than his age, doesn't make friends easily, forgets his assignments (or just refuses to discuss them) and wants to do nothing but play games on the computer.

My son has Asperger's Syndrome which is an autistic disorder. Most of his symptoms and behaviors spring from this disorder (and some are just due to being a teenager). I'm not saying your has Aspergers' but there are many developmental delays and disorders that can cause his behaviors. I would find a really good psychologist who specializes in adolescents. They can help you separate the typical teenage behaviors from those that are more extreme and teach you and your son how to best deal with them. Perhaps there's a learning disability or auditory processing disorder involved? I think a really good psychologist would be the place to start. Good luck!

 

[kidzmom3]

please don't humiliate your child like a previous poster suggested. I am concerned for depression or perhaps aspergers syndrome. I have a teen who is not motivated either, but your examples seem extreme. I would consider a second opinion medically and psychiatrically. I work in the medical field and doctors who have seen the same patient for many years, can miss warning signs because they expect to see certain things and therefore see only those things and not the new ones. (I hope that makes sense)

 

[terri01p]

Boys need lists.

TO me, he sounds like a pretty average 15 year old boy. I don't get where some of these posters are coming from.

You can say that again, but it was my dd, she was the exact same way and never did get motivated until she was forced to get out and get a job.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Well you just described about half the boys and maybe 1/5 the girls I had when I taught Junior High I htink it is one of the many possible totally irritating teen behaviours that normla kids do
I think it is smart of you to check in with his doctor and if you feel he should talk to a therapist go for it, but I wouldn't be frightened by people who are saying he absolutely has a disorder. It stirkes me as very aggravating and very typical. Yes, there may be a bigger underlying issue. Then again, the issue may simply be that he is a teen boy Eventually (maybe about age 25) he'll get it.

I will say you can help him along by not saving him AT ALL. I wouldn't have mentioned football camp. When everyone else went and he didn't then you tell him he never told you about it or got the paperwork to you. Be sympathetic but not apologetic. It is not yourfault he is not going. It is his. It is not your job to chase the information down.

If he comes to the table unshowered with unbrusehd teeth send him back upstairs to get cleaned up with no further commentary. Don't tell him all the little steps. He doesn't really need it. Just tell him you appreciate that he was rushed but you cannot eat with someone who has not taken care of personal hygeine at the table (try very hard to be matter of fact and not insulting).

If he fails classes and ends up in sumer school that is his problem. If he gets bad grades he has to sufer the consequences (which might include no TV since you say that is where he spends his time).

If he does not clear the table do not remind him. Leave it. In the morning casually mention he will need to scrub everything by hand since the overnight hardened on food will not come off in the dishwasher.

Don't nag. Be nice to him. Even help him create lists and schedules if needed but then tell him yo urealize you have been bailing him out like a little kids and you are going to treat him like hte 15 year old he is now and then DO IT (yes I know much easier said than done).

 

[luvsJack]

This sounds just like my younger ds when he was in high school. He was diagnosed ADHD in 7th grade and on meds through his senior year. After high school, a failed attempt at college and in the military he was re-evaluated and diagnosed bi-polar. He is doing great now.



Edited to Add: The realization that he needed to be re-evaluated came from many times of letting him pick up his own pieces and fix his own messes (or ignore them depending on the time and place)

It is very hard to allow them to make their own mistakes when you know it is something that will affect the rest of their lives or its something they only have this one chance at, so, OP, I know from experience that this is much easier said than done.

 

[AshleyW]

I think it's kind of scary people on here are diagnosing other people's children with mental illnesses I can understand saying "well it sounds like ADD/depression/etc".. but saying "your son has this wrong with him! get him to a psychiatrist STAT!" is probably not the safest thing to say, unless you are in fact qualified to give medical advice and know the child personally.

To me, he sounds like a normal kid. My brother was the same way when he was 15 - and it eventually caught up to him when he couldn't take a school trip to the Bahamas because he forgot to give my parents the fundraising forms. He seemed to at least attempt to remember things after that. I was the same way when I was that age, although maybe not as extreme - but definitely didn't do homework, study, etc. because I never wrote it down in my school planner. Kids grow out of it, but if you're that concerned - then head to a doctor.

 

[NotUrsula]

If he does not clear the table do not remind him. Leave it. In the morning casually mention he will need to scrub everything by hand since the overnight hardened on food will not come off in the dishwasher.

Just FYI, in some parts of the US this would be a bad idea because it would draw bugs. I don't think it's worth letting your house get infested in order to prove a point. (And yes, in some parts of the country just leaving food out overnight would be enough to start a serious problem.)

 

[threecrazykids]

Well you just described about half the boys and maybe 1/5 the girls I had when I taught Junior High I htink it is one of the many possible totally irritating teen behaviours that normla kids do
I think it is smart of you to check in with his doctor and if you feel he should talk to a therapist go for it, but I wouldn't be frightened by people who are saying he absolutely has a disorder. It stirkes me as very aggravating and very typical. Yes, there may be a bigger underlying issue. Then again, the issue may simply be that he is a teen boy Eventually (maybe about age 25) he'll get it.

I will say you can help him along by not saving him AT ALL. I wouldn't have mentioned football camp. When everyone else went and he didn't then you tell him he never told you about it or got the paperwork to you. Be sympathetic but not apologetic. It is not yourfault he is not going. It is his. It is not your job to chase the information down.

If he comes to the table unshowered with unbrusehd teeth send him back upstairs to get cleaned up with no further commentary. Don't tell him all the little steps. He doesn't really need it. Just tell him you appreciate that he was rushed but you cannot eat with someone who has not taken care of personal hygeine at the table (try very hard to be matter of fact and not insulting).

If he fails classes and ends up in sumer school that is his problem. If he gets bad grades he has to sufer the consequences (which might include no TV since you say that is where he spends his time).

If he does not clear the table do not remind him. Leave it. In the morning casually mention he will need to scrub everything by hand since the overnight hardened on food will not come off in the dishwasher.

Don't nag. Be nice to him. Even help him create lists and schedules if needed but then tell him yo urealize you have been bailing him out like a little kids and you are going to treat him like hte 15 year old he is now and then DO IT (yes I know much easier said than done).

This is a exactly how I feel.

I don't want everyone to think I live with a zombie...he's really NOT like that. He just doesn't do anything without being ASKED to do it or TOLD to do it.

He's totally content doing his own thing unless he is asked to do something else...if you give him something else to do, he'll do it.

Maybe I am the one in denial. Maybe there is yet another label they can put on him. I honestly believe children are way overlabeled and "diagnosed" anymore. Some call it awareness/diagnosis...some call it an nothing more than an excuse for bad behavior...

I am going to try some of the day to day consequences that you suggested and see how it goes. Come school time it will be much easier to dole out the consequences because right now there isn't much to take away.

Thanks!