What is the ideal age between siblings

[Lisa_M]

What do you think is the ideal age between siblings and why?

I'm starting to get the 2nd baby bug and I just don't think we can afford another child. Things are tight now and after daycare for 2, DH would be bringing home an extra $100 per week (if he were working full time, instead of his reduced hours). He says he "won't" stay home with 2 kids, the baby stuff is too much for him. I can't stay home because my job pays significantly more than DH and I carry the benefits.

DH thinks we should wait til DD is 4 to try. I'm starting to think that might be a plan, but what if when she is 4 I am out of the practice of getting up each night and doing the infant thing?

I'm the oldest in my family: 2 years apart from 1 sister and 10 from another. I feel like I don't really know my youngest sister, I think because of that. DH is a middle child 7 years between each sister. He doesn't have a very close relationship with them at all. In fact, he can go months without talking to them, while I talk to my one sister almost every day.

How far apart are your kids? Do they have a close relationship?

 

[clarabelle]

My girls are 3 1/2 years apart -and they are not really close.

But .... I don't think that closeness is your only goal when planning a family.
I had a really hard first pregnancy (bed rest etc....) and I needed to wait a little while. I don't have any regrets.

My oldest daughter is soo independent and a bit of a loner -I don't know if she would have been close to her younger sibling no matter when we had her.

 

[powellrj]

There is no magic age. My DH is 2 years between each of his brothers and its been years since he has seen one and he only sees the other a couple of times a year. They were never close growing up.

I thought I was so smart because I had mine spaced out so I was home alone with each of them. Yes, they did have mom all to themselves, but I wouldn't do it again if I were back in the baby years. My kids are now 26, 18 and 13. My kids were never close growing up and have just become close in the last few years. They were always at different development levels and had nothing in common until lately.

Now they are pretty close. In fact, I think my DD who is 13 would say her DSIL is one of her very best friends. They love to shop together, they went to Gatlinburg for a week over the summer together and DD will spend the weekends at her house when my DS has to work. My middle DS and DD are both interested in music and drama and share many of the same friends which has made them closer.

One of the big problems is many people don't realize they are brothers and sister because of the age difference. Unless you know us as a family, you have no idea that my DD has an older brother. Its funny when we go out and see someone that DD knows. They pretty much always assume that my DS and DDIL are her parents and we are the grandparents. Talk about uncomfortable.

Now that I have rambled, I guess I will just say you need to do what is right for you because anything you do will always have pros and cons.

 

[Freyja]

I have 5 kids and the age differences are 2, 6, 3 and 3 years.

I feel the 2 year difference was best. They have always been so close, and continue to be so now in their teens.

The 3 year gap isn´t too bad, but still not as good as the 2 yr difference.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

5yrs apart, girls and they are not "close". Although, I think that is more personality than age really, they are night and day.

They are becoming more sisterly as younger dd is 13 and older dd is 18 and in college now. They are more on the same wavelength now.

I have to say that it is beneficial when it comes to paying for college.

 

[Tinijocaro]

There is no ideal age. I think most people will tell you that what they did is ideal for them. I have four kids-two sets are 2 1/2 years apart the other set is 18 months apart. This worked out well for us. They are now 7 1/2, 10, 11 1/2, and 14.

I could see the perks of spacing them apart more. I think it would have been neat to have my two older kids a few more years older when the younger two came. They probably would have appreciated them more. My oldest was 6 when the 4th child was born. I think 10 would have been nice but I didn't want to spread out my baby years too much.

ETA: The age differences only matter when they are young. Once adults 2 or 10 years won't matter. I have siblings 2, 5, 10 and 13 years older than me. I am closer to the one who is 10 years older than the one who is 2 years older. At least that has been my experience.

 

[DVCLiz]

My daughters are 5 1/2 years apart and it was my primary goal to foster a close relationship between them. I did it in lots of ways over the years, but I always paid attention to how they were treating each other and made sure that my older daughter knew from a very young age that her younger sister was using her as a role model.

It worked and they are extremely close. One of the things I did along the way was to institute the concept of "sister time" - and I paid for special treats, like going alone to the movies, shopping for a party dress, etc. - so that the two of them could associate doing something fun with having her sister play a part.

I would hate it if my girls didn't love each other and want to spend sister time together. Once the youngest is in middle school they can participate in many of the older fun activities like movies, shopping, watching special reality TV (Project Runway and the like that aren't too mature for younger sibs), etc. You can find lots of ways to keep your spaced more than two years apart siblings close - you just have to work at it and really make it a goal, not just let their childhoods unfold and see what happens.

The other thing I did was really focus on family vacations. That's why I bought DVC, but of course anywhere works as long as it's a place you and your children really enjoy, and as long as it's strict family time - no cell phones, etc to spoil the mood!!

 

[bballmom56]

My brother and I are 4 yrs, 9 months apart and really not very close. But I don't think we would have been close if we were 2 years apart - we are very different people with very different interests. We get together at least twice a year (Thanksgiving and Christmas) but that's about it. Even the kids we each had (my first and his first are 9 months apart and my second and his second are 3 weeks apart) are not close with each other for the same reasons - not much in common.

Now my own kids (girl and boy) are amazingly 4 years, 9 months apart, but are much closer than my brother and I ever were. They are very different, but still can connect with each other. Of course, I always told them that I hoped they would stay close with each other, not like my brother and me. So maybe that had an impact or maybe not.

I don't think the spacing between kids is the guarantee that they will be close. I think it is their personalities. It would be better if you do what works for you, financially, mentally, emotionally, physically.

 

[RachelEllen]

As other posters have said, closeness isn't just a function of age. We are in really early days, but I am amazed at how close my daughter (age 1) is to my step-son (age 10). He's only here half the time, but as soon as he walks in the door after school, she screams and crawls over to him. He spends ages on the floor playing with her.

He and my husband are on a father/son bike trip this weekend. They got lost yesterday and it got dark. DSS got really scared and started crying, and DH told me that he kept saying he wanted to be home with his little sister.

WHo knows what will change when she becomes a terrible 2, but for now, the closeness is amazing.

 

[Lisa_M]

I realize there is no ideal age, but I do appreciate hearing others' perspectives on what works for them. I have a feeling that the financial aspect is going to win out over any other consideration right now.

I think when DH gets up, I'm going to talk to him about making a list of goals (which includes another baby), so at least I'll feel like we're working in the right direction.

DVCLiz, I like your idea of sister time. That is great! When we were younger, we always went camping (almost every weekend) in the summers and it was great family time.

 

[Snowysmom]

My 2 boys are 3 years, 10 months apart. They are very close. It took older DS a while to warm up to having a new brother, but once he got used to sharing mom and dad, he liked having a brother. Of course they had their own friends as they were 4 years apart in school. But, they played together growing up and we encouraged that. Now that they are young adults (24 and 20), they do alot of things together. When we are on a family vacation, they will go off together and explore. They go biking, hiking, and just hang out. We had wanted them to be spaced a bit closer but things don't always work out. I am very happy that they are close. They still have their disagreements but that is just part of life.

 

[mjkacmom]

Well, I think you already missed the window, and might as well wait. My sister and I are 3 years apart, and we were never close as children, but now are. DH is 7 and 10 years younger than his sisters, and get along now, but certainly aren't close.

My oldest are 20 months apart, and close, there is a 3 year gap betwen #2 and #3, and they're not close, and there is a 20 month gap between #3 and the twins, and they are SO close - best friends! They are like the 3 amigos, always playing together.

 

[antmaril]

My sister and I are seven years apart and we have never been really close. We love each other and we talk on the phone often, but I've only seen her twice in the last year and she lives 10 miles from me.

My late husband and his brother were only 16 months apart and they were very close.

 

[monkey68]

I don't have kids, but I'm speaking from my own experience with my sister. There is 2 and a half years between us. Growing up, we did a lot of the same activities together, but we weren't necessarily close. That had more to do with the fact that we had very different personalities. My sister was a girlie-girl, I was a definite tomboy. She would always want to play Barbie's, and I would scream my head off if I had to play. I was always coming home with skinned knees, and she would freak out over a little bruise. But eventually, we became close, I would say that now, despite our differences, we're best friends.

My dad and his brother are 10 years apart, but they're very close now. They always go on vacation together, they talk fairly often (my uncle lives in Israel, so visits are somewhat sporadic). They're really similar though. My cousin's have 13 years between them, the big sister was like a second mom to the younger one. But again, they're really close now that he is 19 and she is 32. He's always babysitting his little nieces, he goes on vacation with his sister, so closeness is not necessarily age-related.

 

[Uuaww]

My two oldest sisters are 2 years apart and best friends, they even share an apartment (28 and 26). I am 23 and not close to either. My two younger sisters are twins (21) and not close but get along. They close with one of the older sisters each. The last two sisters are 19 and 17 and are really close.

I am not really close to any of them but it might have something to do with the fact that I the only boy in a family of 7 kids.

 

[Skywalker]

There was some scientific study a few years ago (seems there is a "study" for everything, lol) and they concluded that 3 years apart is actually ideal...I cannot remember all the reasons though.

My own are two years apart. They are both boys, but are not close at all. Two people could not posisibly be more different!

 

[Robinrs]

I don't think there is an ideal age but there are ideal ages to be when you do get a sibling. I remember a doctor telling me that a 4yo is the best age to have a younger sibling, but that always depends on the child.

My sisters were 11 months and 13 years when I was born! My closest sister in age STILL resents me for "quote" "stealing her MOMMY" (she got that from Frazier! ) and my older sister still calls me her BABY sister, and holds my hand crossing the street... ... she will NEVER see me as an adult and I'm over 50!!

 

[pilesoflaundry]

4 years or less. But in your situation with kids in daycare it's probably right to wait.

I've very close with my brother that is 18 months younger but not close much with my sister that is 5 years older.

With my own kids, ds is 3 years older than dd1 and dd1 is 18 months older than dd2. Ds was very upset when dd1 was born. He was used to everything being about him and no other kids. It was harder for me too because i was sleeping all night, he was almost potty trained etc. When we added dd2 in it was very easy. No sibling rivarlry and I was still doing the baby stuff.

Daycare wasn't an issue for us though.

 

[lillygator]

I don't know that there is an ideal age...ours are a little over 2yrs apart and are close, I am 10 yrs older than my sister and DH is 7 yrs younger than his sister...neither of us are very close to our siblings...

 

[LisaNJ25]

Far apart lol

My kids are 17, 10, 5 and 4. I liked having the alone time with the only ones as they did their own things. Have the last 2 12 months apart was nuts. I will take a large age gap anyday over them close together.

I delt with it with my own siblings. I am 35, My sibling are 41, 27, 26 and 19. We get along fine.