What is going through my BIL's head?????

[Honu]

The mandatory word is sticking in my craw too.

I wish them luck. I think they're going to need it.

 

[punkin]

I think it's ridiculous that weddings give the bride and groom absolute god-like power over all. Why, just because it's "their" wedding, are people allowed to act like complete and utter morons????

Just cuz it's a special occassion, doesn't mean it's okay to be rude.

 

[stemikger]

I didn't read all the replies, but based on what you told me, you and your husband have every right to be mad. I'm a guy and I think you and your husband are 100% right.

What is your BIL thinking. How could he pick a friend over his own brother, especially since he was your DH best man 5 years ago. It sounds like he has no sense of family, tell him that friends come and go, but brothers are blood. In my book blood is thicker than water. If I was your DH I would be extremely hurt about everything. In fact, I would probably attend the wedding give my gift and leave early. If you BIL wants to know why you left early, tell him you have a 5 year old at home that needs you, and he should have been here anyway, so I could have stayed.

Just reading what you wrote makes me made and feel real bad for you DH. After the wedding, I would write him a note about how hurt I am. I would probably not have much to do with BIL anymore, I know it's sad to say that, but he brought it on himself, I don't think I could get over the things BIL did during this time.

I would love to know his reasoning. Do you get along with his wife, is she the one who is distancing you BIL from you DH or did something happen between BIL and DH that you are not telling. If nothing happened and what you wrote is accurate, I would be beyond hurt and very angry. Again, if you are not leaving anything out, you have every right to be beyond mad and don't let anyone try and tell you BIL is right because no matter how you turn this around he is wrong. Your DH should have been best man and his best friend should have been in the wedding party as an usher.

If anyone looks at this differently they have no sense of family and loyalty. Where I come from family and loyalty is everything. Sure we can have a best friend, but putting them before your own brother is extremely hurtful and wrong, wrong, wrong.

Your BIL deserves to be in the Hall of Shame for this behavior.

 

[DISUNC]

I just wanted to clear up that DH is not acting girlish or oversensitive to not being picked as the Best Man...the issue issue is that it was hidden for him until about a month and a half ago. The main problem is that BIL has not given us enough information ever in order for us to make an informed decision. If I would have known all of this I would have declined to have DS (4 1/2) in the wedding.

Also, I just decided to give BIL a call and ask some questions. He said that it is mandatory that the ring bearer & flower girl leave as soon as they are announced at the RECEPTION. So now they are allowed to be at the cocktail hour and then annouced with the wedding party, but then he must leave. DH and I decided that we will leave at that time as well. The whole thing is very sad. We were originally looking forward to this wedding. We know that it is their day and their decisions so we are doing what we have to do as far as the ceremony, but after the wedding party is announced we will be leaving. I think that is an appropriate decision on our part.

Oh and when BIL was our best man he gave us no card and no gift....we would never do the same (I wish we could though) but that just shows you that he has no clue about anything.

LET IT GO MY ***!!!!!
I'M FLIPPEN PEEVED JUST READING THIS, and I dont even know your BIL!!!

Yes it would have been WONDERFUL and HONORABLE of him to pick his brother as BM! However since he didn't and kept it a secret (knowing this is wrong!), it shows that he has NO interest in 'keeping family peace'...So why should you?????

As far a letting the your Son & FG go right after they are announced at the reception is NASTY NASTY NASTY. Beyond rude!!!!!!

Yes the whole thing is very sad, and I agree with you and your husband that leaving with your Son, after they are announced, is the BEST thing for all concerned.

A HUGE BIG HARD to Yourself, DH & Son!!!! Your feelings are rightfully hurt. Family or not, NO ONE deserves to be treated like this!

Why not go to the movies, see Cars or something...when you come home from the reception. Dont stay home...do something FUN!

ps. I wouldn't give your BIL & his Bride the right time as a gift!!!!
ps The next time I get married, your DH is my BEST MAN!!!!!!!

 

[Fan2CSkr]

I just wanted to clear up that DH is not acting girlish or oversensitive to not being picked as the Best Man...the issue issue is that it was hidden for him until about a month and a half ago. The main problem is that BIL has not given us enough information ever in order for us to make an informed decision. If I would have known all of this I would have declined to have DS (4 1/2) in the wedding.

Also, I just decided to give BIL a call and ask some questions. He said that it is mandatory that the ring bearer & flower girl leave as soon as they are announced at the RECEPTION. So now they are allowed to be at the cocktail hour and then annouced with the wedding party, but then he must leave. DH and I decided that we will leave at that time as well. The whole thing is very sad. We were originally looking forward to this wedding. We know that it is their day and their decisions so we are doing what we have to do as far as the ceremony, but after the wedding party is announced we will be leaving. I think that is an appropriate decision on our part.

Oh and when BIL was our best man he gave us no card and no gift....we would never do the same (I wish we could though) but that just shows you that he has no clue about anything.

I went through this situation with my sisters wedding. My children were invited to be in the wedding and I was the matron of honor. After the tux's and dresses were rented/bought my sister announced that the kids would not attend the reception and leave following the church. I was heart broken and angry. My sister and I are very close and frankly I was shocked.

It got extremely heated between members of my family and majority opinion was "dont upset the bride." My mother wasnt speaking to me because I felt strongly that if my children were good enough to be attendants they should be wanted at the reception as well. These feelings put a strain on everyone. I tried but could not let it go. To this day I dont know if it was my mother, sister or her husbands wishes to have the kids leave.

This also carried through to my other sibling that was a brides maid and her kids were also in the wedding and not allowed to attend the reception. She felt as I did but didnt voice her feelings.

Finally I was beyond stressed over the whole thing and told my sister that I couldnt have the kids in the wedding AT ALL. About a week after that my sister called and said ALL the kids would be in the wedding and at the reception. Thats how it went down, but I was disenchanted with the whole thing by then. Now I just have sad memories of what should have been a wonderful day.

Being able to look back and sort through my feelings now I think it wasnt intended as a slight to me and my children but more of a single person, no kids thought. Wanting the wedding day to be perfect and feeling that children could screw that up. Still, its sad that a picture perfect wedding was more important to her than sharing the day with those that love her most.

The children I am talking about were all over 7 years old and some were 12. They had a GREAT time and felt very special to be in their aunts wedding.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this, I do know how you feel and I hope it has a happy resolve!

 

[lbgraves]

Yup!!! I was going to post before that I was surprised they didn't want the kids there for the presentation of the bridal party at the reception because they would be missing from the video &/or pictures.

I wasn't the MOH for my sister's wedding but was in the party. That was fine with me. The fact that your DH has been left out of the wedding party entirely is what just doesn't sit well with this situation. He wasn't even told that he wasn't wanted until a month or so ago is just unexcusable. DH & I didn't want young kids at our wedding either. The ceremony was an hour and it is hard enough for adults who are not familiar with the Mass to sit thru one that long. We did have my neice as flower girl, however, and would have never thought to not invite her to the reception. As it turned out, my sister & BIL arranged for his mother to pick her up after 30 minutes or so since she would be tired. We bought her dress (on clearance!!! ) but IMO if you ask someone to spend as much money as it usually costs to outfit someone for a wedding party, they should have the right to be included in everything involved with the wedding.

I think that since the three of you will be looking so spiffy when you leave, you should make reservations somewhere for dinner. Let your DS enjoy the compliments that are bound to be given when he is sporting a tux.

 

[RitaZ.]

I just wanted to clear up that DH is not acting girlish or oversensitive to not being picked as the Best Man...the issue issue is that it was hidden for him until about a month and a half ago. The main problem is that BIL has not given us enough information ever in order for us to make an informed decision. If I would have known all of this I would have declined to have DS (4 1/2) in the wedding.

Also, I just decided to give BIL a call and ask some questions. He said that it is mandatory that the ring bearer & flower girl leave as soon as they are announced at the RECEPTION. So now they are allowed to be at the cocktail hour and then annouced with the wedding party, but then he must leave. DH and I decided that we will leave at that time as well. The whole thing is very sad. We were originally looking forward to this wedding. We know that it is their day and their decisions so we are doing what we have to do as far as the ceremony, but after the wedding party is announced we will be leaving. I think that is an appropriate decision on our part.

Oh and when BIL was our best man he gave us no card and no gift....we would never do the same (I wish we could though) but that just shows you that he has no clue about anything.

Wow! So, your son is good enough to be the ring bearer during the ceremony and also be announced at the reception with the rest of the wedding party, but he can't stay to eat and enjoy the party? Ridiculous! I would just attend the ceremony and then leave. They can get a puppet to keep up appearances at the reception, it's obvious that's all they need your son for. Regardless of what ends up happening, there will be hurt feelings.

I agree that it's the groom's choice to pick his best man, but I think that when you look at the whole picture, well, it's stinky! I would be upset as well. If couples devoted as much energy and hard work to their actual marriage, as they do to have the "perfect wedding"- which lasts a few hours, the divorce rate wouldn't be so high.

OP, good luck!

 

[WIcruizer]

Wow, since I was perhaps the most outspoken about sticking up for the BIL, the OP's 2nd post changed my mind. I will admit the OP's claim that the BIL used the word "mandatory" sounds fishy. We have know way of knowing if anyone in here is truthful, so I'll take her at her word.

Having been through many weddings, I have just found that talking to the couple, the parents, etc. clears up 99% of these issues. BUT if the OP really did to her best to resolve this issue then I flip my opinion completely.

I would send a bill for the son's tux to the BIL titled "wedding decorations." Because all her son will be is a prop. Stand a cute kid in front of the church, have him parade around for the grand march, and then get lost? That's a prop, not a guest.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

I think the OP's response is classy.

Maybe you can give a card to the BiL & his wife that your wedding gift to them is your son as ring-bearer, and leave it at that.

 

[Paging Tom Morrow]

One of my favorite pictures from my wedding day is one of my groomsmen holding the ring bearer upside down by his ankles and seeing the huge smiles on both their faces during the reception.

Please don't be too offended if I am glad the BIL won't have the opportunity to get a similar picture. He's an astrounaut without the tronaut.

 

[BeNJeNWaFFLe]

For BIL picking his friend to be his best man, well that's his choice. The fact that he led DH to believe he was the best man for awhile is just wrong. It sounds like he knew it was wrong but didn't admit to it until it was absolutely neccessary.

The whole thing with your son, that is just horrible. So basically he is supposed to just be there for show. Look all cute in the pictures, make everything nice and even, then leave. I can understand not wanting children in the wedding. That is the couples choice. But to just use the children so they have the "perfect" little wedding is rude. Anyway, IMHO, I think the children make the reception fun. Watching the children at DBF's aunt's wedding made my night. They were having so much fun dancing, you couldn't help but watch.

OP: I think you made the right decision. I agree with the others though, go out to a nice dinner after. You are going to be all dressed up, you need a place to go. Good luck with it all!

ETA:

Maybe you can give a card to the BiL & his wife that your wedding gift to them is your son as ring-bearer, and leave it at that.

I was thinking the same thing. Your gift to them was helping to "decorate" the pictures and they should be happy. But hey, I'm slightly evil like that.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Maybe I missed it in a post somewhere, but was the OPs husband actually ASKED to be the best man?? "John, would you please be my best man?" or something?? It's my understanding all he was told was, "Of course you are in the wedding party," which could be an usher, for all you know.

Like I said, maybe I missed it.

 

[VSL]

Weddings are always made far more complicated and stressful than they need to be.

 

[disykat]

Just pointing out, the OP didn't quote the BIL on the word "mandatory", she just said he said that it was mandatory. He could have phrased it differently. That doesn't change my opinion that BIL is wrong in saying the children must leave immediately - it just bugs me that people are assuming he used that word just because the OP did.

 

[RadioFanatic]

I also agree that the card without money is a good idea. At my wedding, I had a cousin's twin sons as ringbearers and their daughter as a junior bridesmaid and believe you me, I was glad they just gave a card - they spent enough for them being in the wedding (and yes they were at the reception - along with about 15 other kids and we had a formal, nighttime, sitdown dinner and they were all great at it!)

 

[Poohnatic]

I feel like just taking DS home myself after the wedding and not attending, that may cause WWIII w/ the in-laws though.

If it would cause WWIII, I think that would be BIL's issue, not yours. He'd have to explain that your son was not invited to the reception. You being expected to make arrangements so close to the wedding would probably not net you a babysitter, anyway.

I'm with the person who says find another attendant, however, I know a 5 year old would be extremely upset at missing this occasion.

Suzanne

 

[barkley]

not saying this is the reason, but when i was a wedding co-ordinator i actualy HEARD people say out loud when faced with the per plate price of catering "well if we eliminate kids from the reception, every 2 kids eliminated would allow for 1 more adult to attend (children's meals were 1/2 the cost of adults) and it IS the adults who buy the gifts"

so maybe the theory is the kids won't cost the couple anything at the cocktail reception (if there even doing an open bar ) but the meal could be less than "cost/return effective".

i've always thought it tacky when someone has a wedding and only invites a portion of the attendees to the reception (and even worse when it's on site at the same location)-but i've never heard of anyone excluding members of the bridal party. what's the next logical step for this couple-"we'de like you to be the sponsor for our firstborn's christening-you'll have to buy the christening gown and pay for the priest and the flowers and the reception and buy a special gift for the baby but.....it's 'mandatory' that you not attend"

 

[MELISAZACK]

I too understand the "no kids" rule at the wedding 10 yrs ago at my own that was the standing rule -unless it was a newborn (we had one) and my other exception was my flower girl and ring bearer!! they were both allowed to stay for however long their parents wanted! Parents choice...All other kids in the family were not permitted...and YES that did cause a massive fight with my DH family considering there were nieces and nefews....
But I agree it is ridiculous to use a child as a prop only....what harm can 2 children do at a reception?

 

[chris1gill]

We also did an R.S.V.P. "adults only" on our invitations... at 90.00 a head, I wasn't particularly interested in feeding too many children HOWEVER, I went totally above board for both my ring bearer and my flower girl! Course they were my BIL's children, but they could have been anyone's children, I would have done the same thing.... They were every bit as a big a part of our wedding party, they were there for all the pictures, and I think they were wonderful that day... We even specially picked out their food so they'd be happy that day. It makes me happy to look back at our photo's to see them on our day, and to look at them now, when they are nearly grown up... Your BIL has no idea what he is missing....

I think it's terrible that your BIL says your child isn't welcome after the announcement that just seems so very wrong to me... I think your plan of leaving after the announcement is a wonderful one...I hope you can pick a fun activity for your son that afternoon to make up for not being at the party.....

 

[4cruisin]

I
Also, I just decided to give BIL a call and ask some questions. He said that it is mandatory that the ring bearer & flower girl leave as soon as they are announced at the RECEPTION. So now they are allowed to be at the cocktail hour and then annouced with the wedding party, but then he must leave.

Umm, is the reception at a strip club?

Either bil is trying to c. h. a. or he is believing everything his fw is telling him. Either way, I wonder how long his marriage will last.

I am a firm believer that weddings are no place for kids...HOWEVER if you are going to have ringbearers or flower girls, you cannot shove them out of the way after the pictures are snapped. That's just plain mean and crazy. Sounds like this is what your bil and his fw are doing. I think you and dh are doing the right thing. Stand your ground and enjoy the family outing together after the cocktail hour.