What is going through my BIL's head?????

[lbgraves]

If you don't feel that he's special enough to be invited to the party, then I don't feel that he's special enough to you to be part of your wedding.

Remember, if you eat the non-refundable deposit, it is still cheaper than paying for the whole tuxedo.

I have to agree with this one. It sounds like the bride is just using your DS to have a ring bearer in the pictures & then doesn't want him around. That is just rude IMO. I would lose the deposit & take the balance of the money to go do something fun for the three of you as a family.

 

[WIcruizer]

I would lose the deposit & take the balance of the money to go do something fun for the three of you as a family.

Now THAT is outrageous behavior! You're not the only one, there are comments similar to yours elsewhere in the thread. You're suggesting they should skip his brother's wedding completely if the 5 yr old isn't invited to the reception?

Whatever happened to our society? Why can't the OP or her DH simply TALK about it with her BIL. Explain that their son is part of the wedding party, and their nephew and they would like him to attend the reception. I'll bet you $100 the BIL would say "no problem." For all we know, the BIL just assumed the OP didn't want the 5 yr old at the reception for whatever reason. (Loud music, alcohol, late hours.)

There's something about weddings that make people act out in almost comical ways. Take a deep breath, tlak politely about your concerns, and remember a wedding is a huge affair, and things get forgotten or not handled perfectly all the time.

 

[Honu]

I would put my son before my brother.

It's one thing to not invite kids to a reception, it's another to use them for the wedding and exclude them from the other activities. Sorry, but them being busy with wedding plans isn't an excuse for being rude.

I would do the wedding and spend the rest of the day taking your son/kids out on a family outing.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Crap, I hate wedding baloney like this. We had WW3 over my own brother's wedding. He is now is process of divorcing her btw... They lasted 5 years.

Your dh feels close to his brother but the feeling is NOT shared in return, which is obvious from his actions. It is a hard thing to accept.

So now what????

Well, you and your DH have to decide your actions carefully. If you choose to spite the family then you will suffer consequences.
Just a fact.....

If I were in your shoes I would tell your DH to go to the Bachelor Party.
I would then find a babysitter for your 5yo, go to the wedding and have a good time. Unless there are other kids there he probably won't have a good time anyway. Make sure you find out if other kids are going to be there!!!!

If I went to the reception and saw kids there, I would turn tail and walk right back out. That would be a huge slap.

So find out if kids are excluded or not. I think that will matter.

 

[Sue Sullivan]

Honestly, I wouldn't have him participante in the wedding at all. I guess I would eat the deposit, but not pay the cost of the tux. I think it's horrible that they would have him in the ceremony but not as a guest at the reception.

 

[Quinn222]

Now THAT is outrageous behavior! You're not the only one, there are comments similar to yours elsewhere in the thread. You're suggesting they should skip his brother's wedding completely if the 5 yr old isn't invited to the reception?

My comment meant if the son was invited to be part of the wedding party but not the reception then after the wedding (which I'd think hard about before letting my son be part of, since clearly he was only invited as 'decoration') I'd go do something else for the rest of the day.

I have no problem with kids not being invited to weddings. I don't especially enjoy being at weddings with kids. But if youv'e asked a kid to be part of the wedding party then that kid should be invited to the reception.

 

[NAB]

I am not sure why you just can't ask the BIL the questions you want answered about your son. And the people that are saying don't go because your son will be hurt about this, unless you got him so pumped up about the party he really wouldn't knew. It is your feelings that are hurt. I am surprise that he wouldn't be asked to the dinner. But just ask..don't assume they are using your son for pictures. Maybe they are not having any kids. Don't let it eat you up...speak up.

 

[WIcruizer]

Unfortunately, I think my post #22 was glossed over. Why does it have to be an ultimatum? Can't the OP's DH talk to his brother and see if there was a misunderstanding? If not, the next step would be "I understand why you don't want children at the reception, but it's customary that the ring bearer, flower girl, etc. attend the reception, would it be ok if little Joey attends?"

We seem to get so wrapped up in proving we're right. It's easier to claim the moral high ground than be a empathetic humna being and try to work out a resolution.

 

[Mercy]

Now THAT is outrageous behavior! You're not the only one, there are comments similar to yours elsewhere in the thread. You're suggesting they should skip his brother's wedding completely if the 5 yr old isn't invited to the reception?

Whatever happened to our society? Why can't the OP or her DH simply TALK about it with her BIL. Explain that their son is part of the wedding party, and their nephew and they would like him to attend the reception. I'll bet you $100 the BIL would say "no problem." For all we know, the BIL just assumed the OP didn't want the 5 yr old at the reception for whatever reason. (Loud music, alcohol, late hours.)

There's something about weddings that make people act out in almost comical ways. Take a deep breath, tlak politely about your concerns, and remember a wedding is a huge affair, and things get forgotten or not handled perfectly all the time.

I totally agree with this. I posted earlier, but I can't believe so many are saying just skip the wedding. That is totally childish. It is your BIL's & future SIL's wedding... not your wedding or your 5 yo son's wedding! Why in the world would you want to ruin your relationship with family just because you can't get your way. tsk tsk

 

[disykat]

I think your dh is perfectly justified not going to the bachelor party. He saved the date, but was never notified of where or when. It's hard to go to a party when you don't know where it is.

I agree that BIL gets to choose whomever he wants, but think BIL was a chicken not to mention to dh who is in his wedding party and what roles they play. Obviously at some point it would become clear, but that seems a funny way for family to work. I'm curious -Is your dh a groomsman?

There is a point where family should be considered in a wedding. You wouldn't believe how many people mentioned to me about my sister being in the wedding - from the minute we got engaged. Of course, I was planning on having my sister as my attendant (I only had one) but it seemed really weird to me that people asked about that immediately. I was planning a marriage and all people could think about was the wedding.

As for the reception, I would tell them you'd like to bring the 4 year old since he is part of the wedding party and that you will watch his behavior and all leave early. If this is not acceptable, I think you would be justified leaving after the wedding.

I'm not one who thinks children should be part of everything (well - I do think they should be part of family celebrations, but...) but I do know that my brother got married when my son was four and he would have been heartbroken if he got sent away before the "party".

 

[disneychick05]

I just wanted to clear up that DH is not acting girlish or oversensitive to not being picked as the Best Man...the issue issue is that it was hidden for him until about a month and a half ago. The main problem is that BIL has not given us enough information ever in order for us to make an informed decision. If I would have known all of this I would have declined to have DS (4 1/2) in the wedding.

Also, I just decided to give BIL a call and ask some questions. He said that it is mandatory that the ring bearer & flower girl leave as soon as they are announced at the RECEPTION. So now they are allowed to be at the cocktail hour and then annouced with the wedding party, but then he must leave. DH and I decided that we will leave at that time as well. The whole thing is very sad. We were originally looking forward to this wedding. We know that it is their day and their decisions so we are doing what we have to do as far as the ceremony, but after the wedding party is announced we will be leaving. I think that is an appropriate decision on our part.

Oh and when BIL was our best man he gave us no card and no gift....we would never do the same (I wish we could though) but that just shows you that he has no clue about anything.

 

[Barb D]

Without having read all the responses, I would say:

Let it go.

Just let it go.

Take the high road, smile, be gracious, and let it go.

 

[Keli]

My advice is to go along with BIL and his bride. It's their wedding and I don't think their wishes are so much out of line that you should make waves.

 

[sugarpie]

I have to agree with the others that say let it go.

I've seen so many situations like this that get completely out of control. I can think of 4 somewhat similar situations that I know of, and they've all ended badly.

I would just let it go. This is your family you're talking about, and it's not worth destroying the relationship over. It is 1 day & you can deal with going along with their wishes for 1 day. It's their wedding after all.

 

[diznygirl]

I think it's ridiculous that weddings give the bride and groom absolute god-like power over all. Why, just because it's "their" wedding, are people allowed to act like complete and utter morons????

Just cuz it's a special occassion, doesn't mean it's okay to be rude.

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

I don't think you have to be hit over the head to realize that this bride and groom do not want children at their reception. It is their wedding. I would be upset if there are children at the reception after having been told DS couldn't stay.

Sometimes you have to smile and let it go. My brother promised my DD for years that whenever he got married that she would be his flowergirl. My brother's bride to be didn't want DD in the wedding because she had several nieces. I was disappointed but never once said anything because it was "their" wedding. I just dressed my DD is the most smashing dress I could find. Everyone told her she looked as pretty as a flowergirl.

Let it go and have fun like you originally planned!

Lori

 

[ZipaDeeDooDah]

We know that it is their day and their decisions so we are doing what we have to do as far as the ceremony, but after the wedding party is announced we will be leaving. I think that is an appropriate decision on our part.

I'm glad you were able to come to a decision - nothing wrong with putting your family first

 

[disneymom3]

That is what I would do too OP--leaving at the same time as your son is expected to leave. Maybe you all can go to a nice place for dinner since DS will be "all dressed up with no place to go"

While I would not ditch the wedding entirely, I think your BILs expectations of you hiring a sitter to take DS--a member of the wedding party--away when he feels it would be inconvenient is out of line. I agree with the poster who said it may be their day but it doesn't give them carte blanche to be rude!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I agree (and have done it myself) you should probably just let it go in the interest of family harmony.

However, I do agree with this:

It sounds like the bride is just using your DS to have a ring bearer in the pictures & then doesn't want him around.

Funny thing is, a few years from now SIL and BIL will be the first ones to be upset if their kid isn't invited somewhere.

 

[vickyBaby]

He said that it is mandatory that the ring bearer & flower girl leave as soon as they are announced at the RECEPTION

What a crock. Who says it is mandatory? His wife to be? His future MIL? Try hard to suck it up and let it go. The poor guy has no idea what he is getting into.