What are your expectations of your Child's aunts and uncles?

[ChristyJ]

As the poster above stated. He probably got the info from other family members and knows the outcome....that's happened before in my family. I'm sure he cares, he just didn't call you directly, but another family member told him. Men do things differently sometimes!

I'm sure he cares too-I think the whole experience was such an emotional one for me that I expected others to be supportive as well-in fact, except for my brother, both my & DH's huge families were very, very supportive. My "DisFamily" reached out as well! He's also my younger brother (I'm 36-he's 23), so I'm sure his age plays a role in it...

But to go back to the OP question-I personally think that being there for your families is way more important than gifts...

 

[MATTERHORN]

I guess I am in the minority, but I do expect more and we don't keep contact with my husbands family because of it. I don't allow family to flitter in and out of my children's lives. It's too emotional for me when they ask all the time to see so and so, or say they miss them. What so you say to that? So I finally cut off all the ones that didn't want to be there on a permanent basis (the ones that didn't care really I didn't have to, they cut themselves off)

My Aunt and Uncle on my mom's side have no kids and my brother and I are like their children. They even paid for our college, but I have to say we also make the effort and try to be involved in their lives. When they are really little, it's not like they can make long distance phone calls or come visit on their own, so it's harder because it would be up to the parent to help them keep in touch. Once they are old enough, they should do it on their own, but I think you are on the right track by trying to builkd a relationship with them now. My Aunt and Uncle have helped us out through some rough times, and they are my child's godparents. We will definitely be there for them when they get older and have no children of their own to care for them. Just another perspective, good luck!

Andrea

 

[gypsydoodlebug]

I have one brother who spoils my DD terribly, but as he says, "I don't have kids of my own, so she's sort of like mine." That really means a lot to me, even though he and I don't exactly see eye-to-eye on a lot of things and have a pretty rocky history.

DH has one brother (2 yrs. younger) who lives in LA with his new wife and a sister who's 11 years older than he is and has 3 girls and lives in South Dakota. Neither one have been very instrumental in DD's life (DBIL left for China 6 mos. after she was born and DSIL has seen her only twice in 2.5 years).

Distance makes it difficult to get to know new children –– heck, I barely even know DSIL or her kids! So we send age-appropriate Christmas gifts to the girls and they send DD a little something. DBIL probably won't, but he's working in Hollywood and is starting a new life there.

 

[bedgraynexl]

Honestly I think it depends on the family. For instance my siblings who have children, we will give gifts. Our family has set a price limit per child usually under $10. As for my childless siblings, I do not expect anything from them for my kids. If it happens, great if not they still interact with my kids. They are usually pretty good about gifts and they know there will be reciprocity. As for my wife's nephews, we follow the same policy an will send something but do not expect anything in return. To us it is about the kids and sharing Christmas as best as we can.

DW brother is in Navy and deployed. I do not expect anything from him. He has enough on his plate at this time. Besides, he usually makes it up once he is back in port.

 

[jen0610]

This question has always been a sticky one for me. And it steams from DH's side of the family. There are 3 sibs in DH family. There is a 12 age difference between Sis1 and Sis2. 10 years between, Sis2 and DH. DH was adopted at 6 months old. And up until he was 18, there was never any real talk about who his birth parents were. When he was 18, he and his mom got into a heated argurment and out it pops that Sis1 is actually his birth mom.

Yea!! Big shocker for him. And not the greatest of ways to find out. After he found this out, there were issues that had bugged him for awhile, that he had to deal with. One, it had always bugged him that his Sis1 could never remember his b-day. He'd get a belated card or no card at all.

Now, you get to the sticky subject for me. Prior to our getting married and having kids, at Christmas time, a HUGE box would come from CA with the gifts for DH's mom and dad, Sis2 and her DH and their 3 DD's. But there was never anything in the box for DH. He just always shrugged it off. Now, we have had our DS and it's 3 weeks b4 his 1st Christmas, 2 weeks, 1, week, the 24th and NO box from CA has shown up. 10 Christmas have gone by, 10 birthdays, DD has 8 go by and not ONCE have they ever gotten anything from Sis1. NOTHING!!!! Found out 2 years ago, quite by accident, that there is a box being sent to Sis2's house every year, but nothing for her GRANDKIDS!! (in all reality)

I'm not asking for the world from her. Send them a card, a little something. Anything. Most of the time, when we talk about Sis1, our kids are asking Who? and we have to remind them it's dads sister out in CA.

Ok, I'm done with my 2 cents.

 

[Jen D]

I agree no one should have any expectations at all and feel blessed when a brother or sister or BIL or SIL wants to be involved in your child's life. We are very lucky in this way, my kids have a good realtionship with their aunts and uncles, but when my BIL was single and busy with his business he went months and months without seeing my daughter (we all live in the same city) and I never felt any bitterness about it. We're all grown-ups with our own lives. But we are lucky to generally be free of some of the drama others have... there are some parent/grandparent dramas in our family but both DH and I get on fabulously with our siblings and their kids.

To the original question, I think if your DH wants to do something special for the kids, let him do it unless it is comically extravagant.

I don't think it is quite true kids don't remember who gives them what. Growing up I had some faraway relatives I'd only met once or twice who would send me something once a year and I always remembered them.

 

[Disney Doll]

DH & I have no kids of our own. His sister had 3 children all in college now, but I have known them since the youngest was 2. They live about 5 minutes from us. We are very close to these kids...they grew up with us as almost a second set of parents in terms of being there when they needed something, going to their events, etc. It has added more to our lives than to theirs I am sure, and we are quite close with them. It has been a joy to watch them grow up into the great young adults they are today.

His other sister lives in St.Louis and has young children. She's a kook and her younger kid is totally annoying, so we are not as close to them.

His other sister also has no children.

My brother has a step-son who I am close to even though we don't necessarily see each other every minute.

We also have friends who have children to whom we have great attachment.

When DH & I determined we were not going to be able to have children, we decided that we would be the best aunt & uncle possible, not necessarily from a materialistic standpoint, but from a time standpoint.

I firmly believe that kids can never have too many people who love them. The more they know they are really and truly loved, the better they do in life.

We have also been very fortunate that the people in our lives who do have children have always very generously shared them with us, have included us in their lives, invited us to their events etc.

 

[Belle0101]

In a perfect world, I'd love to have all my chidren's aunts and uncles involved in their lives. Family is really important to me.

However, my family is sooooooo dysfunctional that it's almost a blessing they are not involved. My kids have my sister and then their great aunts and uncles. The goal is to one up the other. Example, if Aunt "Suzie" and Uncle "Joe" buy a minivan then Aunt "Polly" and Uncle "Dan" have to buy one ... but with more features. Not kidding, this really happened. It ended up that 4 sets of aunts and uncles bought minivans that year, each in their own way feeling that they one upped the other either by the features or the model year. They all bought blue Dodges. Not that there is anything wrong with blue Dodges, but come on.

Anyhow, they don't have time to be aunts and uncles like other kids have. They're too busy competing.

We have some really great neighbors that love our kids and treat them like family so that's really appreciated.

 

[alabamagirl]

You know, I have struggled with this as well. My DH's brother has a two year old. The most preciouse two year old in the world. However, his evil ex-wife does not like DH's family (namely DH's mother) and therefore tries to keep her away from us as much as possible. This makes me sad because I really want to be close to this little girl and so does DH (this really bothers him). We always buy her gifts on special occasions but rarely have contact with her.

Now, I have 7 aunts and uncles (biologically) and only 1 of them ever gave a d*** about me. When I think of this it makes me angry, and also makes me want to be a better aunt. But what can you do?

My suggestion to the OP would be that if the conditions are right (i.e. not evil ex-sister in law) then make every attempt possible to be close to these kids and not just in a material way.

 

[alabamagirl]

deleted

 

[hentob]

If this is in response to gifts....what age do you quit giving them gifts? My DH's sister has 3 kids who are in late 20's and live in FL, we see two of them once a year, no phone calls, letters or anything else. We still send them gift cards every year...............and have yet to get a Thank you. Two are married now so we send double the $.

You are crazy. I would take that $$ and do something nice for yourself

 

[vhoffman]

Well, with me it kind of the opposite. Rather than "expecting" gifts from extended family, I used to send fairly nice, rather expensive gifts to extended family. However, they were met with suspicion and hostility. Apparently some felt I was trying to "set them up" with a nice gift to ask for some sort of favor later. Actually, about 25 years ago (my, time flies!), I had some rather extensive surgery on my hip and knees and actually did ask a few favors of family--never money, but help with things like rides to the doctor, stay with a relative while in another town while seeking medical care, that sort of thing. Well, like I say, it was 25 years ago, and it was never that much from any one person. However, I guess some people never forget. I wanted to somehow repay my family's kindness by sending nice gifts over the years, however, they somehow think I'm trying to hit them up for something again. Well, I'm sure waiting a long time!

Various aunts, cousins, etc., used to send small gifts to my children but stopped doing so when I sent like gifts to their kids. Apparently they didn't want to give me an "excuse" to worm my way into the family. Well, I spend 100% of my shopping budget on my own kids. We don't have extended family to "flesh out" the gifts and whatever I give to someone else is seen with suspicion. So I don't depend on anyone else (which I haven't done for 25 years anyways!) and spend my money at home!

 

[Tissa]

We don't have a big extended family and I only have one sister so when she had my two nephews I kinda went overboard. I was in the delivery room for both and they started spending the night with me at 2 months. I can remember going over to visit when the oldest was two and as soon as he would see me he would grab his diaper bag and sit in his carseat for me to take him My sister ended up not being able to take care of them so they have been living with me for the last 5 years. I'm more like a mom than an aunt and now wish they had a Aunt or Uncle to spend time with them.

 

[ceecee]

II don't think it is quite true kids don't remember who gives them what. Growing up I had some faraway relatives I'd only met once or twice who would send me something once a year and I always remembered them.

I agree I have several family members who live in England and I still remember the things they sent. Getting a package as a child was big for me. My DD is 10 and she remembers things she gets from them as well. While cleaning her room, she said I got that from Aunt Wendy, we have to keep it and that was 5 years ago!

 

[gottaluvdis]

There is quite a bit expected of my sister and her husband because they are named in our will as legal guardians of our DD9 should anything happen to us. Likewise, my DH and I are named as legal guardians of their 2 DS's should anything happen to them. My sister and I are very close. We've worked together at 4 different companies (in different departments) since high school, and our families live about 30 minutes from each other. Her oldest DS and our DD are only 8 months apart in age. We lost our mother when we were 11 and 14, which could explain our unusual closeness. Our older half-sister, who had been put up for adoption by our mother, found us in 1998, so we also have another family (including a niece and nephew) that we feel truly blessed by. They live in Oklahoma, so we put a lot of effort into keeping in touch with them as well, and have visited back and forth numerous times.

We also have a younger brother who has had some difficulties in life, but we are thrilled to have repaired a long standing rift with him and are enjoying spending time with him and his DS, 5. We are making up for lost time with his DS. My husband is an only child of older parents who live 1500 miles away, so I am grateful to have a pretty large close-knit family living nearby. My DD is fortunate to also have 2 doting great aunts and uncles, and we're also close with my cousin and his family who live in our town.

Regarding gift expectations - we all buy for each other's kids at Christmas and birthdays, but it's the contact we have throughout the year that really means the most.

 

[PatriciaH]

I loved my aunts and uncles and were very close to the ones that lived near by. Two of my mothers sisters had no children of thier own so they were very close to us. The others tried to keep in touch and we would visit. I was close to my cousins because of this too. My cousins were like sister/brothers to me growing up. I was an only child for 10 years until my little sister came along so this was nice for all of us. I also really like DH's aunts and uncles. My sister does not want children and neither does DH's sister so I am afraid we will never be an aunt or uncle.

 

[Jen D]

My DD is 10 and she remembers things she gets from them as well. While cleaning her room, she said I got that from Aunt Wendy, we have to keep it and that was 5 years ago!

My kids are like that too. Faraway but barely known folks who send interesting packages are always a pleasantly mysterious thing for kids... I'm not saying that can replace the take 'em to the zoo uncles, but it can't be discounted.

I really don't think aunts and uncles have any special responsibilities in the way a dad does. Ask me about an absentee parent who tries to buy the kids with big toys once a year and I might be tempted to pass judgement but I don't feel the same way about an uncle or an aunt, I think a special gift is a charming gesture. Not everyone is equipped to be or wants to be the favorite zoo-going, babysitting, going to the school concert, take em to the baseball game kind of uncle or aunt.

My kids love and enjoy their aunts and uncles but the only adults they depend on are me and my husband.

 

[ashresiren]

I think the expectations really vary based on your family's dynamics and also based on how involved the parents are with the children. I have 3 nieces and 2 nephews. My two nephews have no parents and live with their grandmother. It has always been expected that we (hubby and I) will take them on vacations, buy most or all of their gifts at holidays, birthdays, etc. Their sister does not live with them, but with another grandmother. As such, I give her gifts at holidays, but don't have much contact with her otherwise. Then, my other 2 nieces have really devoted parents, so I get to stay more in an aunt's role with them (send them useless, loud gifts and too much candy). I guess you really just have to do what you feel comfortable doing because if you do more you'll eventually resent it--and they'll pick up on that really quick, no matter what their ages.

 

[luv2nascar]

I am an only child. So my kids have two uncles, one aunt, and one BIL girlfriend who is like an aunt to them. I don't expect anything from them. DH is not that close to one brother. If they do something for kids great but I don't expect anything. I have 3 nephews (11,3,& 2) so I don't do much with them except birthday holidays. Its two hard since I have two girls of my own.

 

[crisi]

I expect my sister to treat my kids the same as my other sisters AS LONG AS WE ARE IN THE SAME PLACE. Honestly, me and the youngest sister aren't close (a few years between us and we've never been tight), so I don't expect much from her. My middle sister is much closer to both of us. I have children, my middle sister has children, the youngest doesn't. Since my little sister sees my nephew more often than my kids, and she has a better relationship there, it is expected he will be treated differently. But not when my kids are around....i.e. if we are handing out Christmas gifts, they will all get something.

But I don't EXPECT her to do anything for them. She does or she doesn't. She lives far away, so we don't see too much of her.