What are your expectations of your Child's aunts and uncles?

[wshupnastar]

I have enjoyed so much reading everyone's responses to this question...thought I would put in my own experience.

I have 2 daughters (8 and 11) and they are blessed with one uncle (my brother) and his future wife as well as my husbands sister. DH's sis really doesn't spend time with the kids, we live about an hour and a half away, but she always puts thought into what to get them for Christmas (we do spend Christmas with DH's family) and always gives them something for their birthday. She would never miss a birthday party and always calls them on their actual birthday. The presents aren't what makes her a good aunt...I think it's better that she does take time to give them that birthday phone call! She is divorced with one child of her own, who is the same age as my oldest. My brother is absolutely wonderful with my girls. His fiance' is also great...at least she tries. She didn't grow up with kids around and has confided to me that she is a bit "afraid" of them...LOL.... We live within 2 miles of my brother (he still lives with my parents...he's only 22!) He does spoil them at Christmas time...but we figure that is his choice.

As for BEING an aunt...I have one biological niece and 3 "adopted by me" nieces (my 2 cousins grew up next door to me so we are more like sisters...their kids call me aunt") In my family we do buy a small gift for the kids so I get them something for the Christmas Eve gift exchange. I also get them each a birthday gift. Same goes for my "biological" neice. I am not as close with her due to the distance, but when we do see her I really try to spend some time talking with her...I want to have a relationship with her.

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

I do not have kids, but 6 months ago I recently became an aunt to a niece and a nephew. I try to visit them at least once a week and beg my sister and BIL to go out so I can babysit them!!!!! I bring them toys or clothes once in while just for the heck of it and it means so much to my sister that I am taking an interest in them. My parents and I waited in the waiting room of the hospital for 8 hours but most of my BIL's brothers and sisters have not made an extra effort to drive 45 minutes to see them yet.

I am also very close to my younger cousins and I plan on treating my niece and nephew the same way I treat my cousins. I take my cousins swimming, to the movies, to arcades, to haunted houses and corn mazes, or else they come over and spend the night at my house and we rent movies. I love the close relationship I have with my cousins and I can't wait to do the same things with my niece and nephew when they get older. (My sister won't let me take the twins overnight yet, she is not ready to leave them for a whole night....but I am eagerly awaiting for her to be ready!!!)

 

[CinRell]

I think it depends on the family. My sister and I are 9 years apart (I'm the younger) and she has a 2 year old daughter. Lily is the light of my life. I'm 30.. single.. living with mom again after a failed engagement.. not sure if I can have children of my own (battling PCOS)... and I would do anything for Lily. Her pictures are all over my office where my clients think she's mine.. I spoil her on holidays and every other day for that matter... however our situation is very different. My sister and I are the best of friends.. as well as with my mom. The 3 of us spend a LOT of time together. Sis lives somewhat close so mom watches lily every day (meaning lil's at our house daily)... I babysit whenever I can, and I was in the delivery room... and have seen her almost every day since she's been here on earth. Lily's the first girl born to the family since me. And my one and only neice.

I do have cousins who had babies around the same time lily was born. My whole family is very close so it's like they're also nieces and nephews ... I don't see them that much but keep in touch with my cousins to see how they are and make sure to see them during the holidays.

My family is close. I feel very comfy with my aunts and uncles and they've all had an extent of influence on me... I'd do anything for any of them. Except one.

One aunt caused problems for my family.. for that I"ll never forgive her.. don't care for her to know what's going on in my life and to be honest don't care what's going on in hers. It is sad.. for her.. that our family is so very very close and loving and she's an outsider.. but she chose to be so.

So I guess it's your choice. Do you want to be that huge influence in their lives or do you want to be just some nice lady who brings gifts. I loved the others suggestions of phone calls, cards, etc during the year.

Tho I see lily almost every day I mail her little surprises often. She looks forward to a certain kind of envelope she knows is from her "aunt binna" with a little surprise.

Ok. I'm babbling. It's early and already I"ve had WAY TOO MUCH COFFEE

 

[TinkerPixxie]

This is a huge issue at my home, my dh's brother and his wife do not have any children of their own. She very much dodes on her sisters children {talking about them all the time, comparing their achievments to my childrens ect ect.} Lately they have not been as generous with my children as they are with her biological side. Im not sure the reason, I can only suspect that they are more dear to her heart and thus she shows this by dollar amounts. I do have 5 children so for me I dont expect anyone to go overboard, as long as they have made the effort, even if it was an outing to the park or something along those lines. But on her side she has 11 other nieces and nephews so its not as if she has one or two biological ones to to buy for. Basically I look for consistancy with all of them. They should all be treated and given the same no matter whos side of the family they are on.

To answer your question, I do think if the couple has children themselves there is less of an expectation for the amount they spend.

I do think each niece or nephew should recive the same dollar amount as other nieces and nephews from the other side of the family.

My best guess about your dh is that there is some type of guilt that makes him want to spend alot on his siblings children, perhaps because he isnt involved with them on a regular basis. It may just be his way of showing he cares for them without having to be with them all the time.

Dont flame me here, I know money doesnt show love... however in his mind it just may be his way of "making up" for time or distance. I see nothing wrong with it if you have it to spend. I would never expect an unemployed uncle to be as generous a gift giver as one with a good job making decent money. Does that mean I do expect the one with the good job to be more generous? No I just wouldnt feel guilty about it as if we were taking away from his already hard finanial situation.

Tink~

 

[tiff211]

I think it depends on the closeness of the siblings. I am very close to my sisters and in turn they are very close with my kids and I see my nephew all the time and I buy him stuff just cuz! My oldest brother lives 4 hours away from me and I don't see him or his sons that much. Also, he does not have custody of his boys so sometimes I wil see him but not them. We never really celebrated Christmas growing up so exchanging gifts is not the norm.

 

[Favorite Auntie]

I am the youngest of 4 girls, and the only one not married and no kids. My sisters definitely have different expectations of me than of each other. I am the one that gets asked to babysit, gets asked to house sit, and all that fun stuff. They would never ask one another to leave their families and stay at their house while they are away. I understand...but it does make me crabky sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being the favorite auntie, but there are prices for that title. Not necessarily with gifts or money either. In my case it is my time...come to a hockey game at 8AM on a Sunday...how about Soccer at 8:30 on a Saturday. Can you honestly tell me that if and when I have children they will do the same for my kids? NO WAY! This is just my experience though...and BTW I am very close to all 3 of my sisters...

 

[Shagley]

I don't have any nieces or nephews, but I have a cousin who is 26 years younger than I am, and because of the age difference, she is more like a niece to me. One thing I have noticed is that she rarely talks about gifts I have given her in the past, but she will remember the smallest detail about times that we have spent together. Even now at age 10, she will talk about things that I did with her when she was 3 or 4. They weren't even that eventful things, like maybe I would take her to a movie, or to McDonald, or just let her tag along when I was going shopping. I would think that if it was important to a person to be a part of their niece/nephews life, it would be more important to plan times to spend with them than to shower them with gifts.

 

[imsayin]

. I try to visit them at least once a week and beg my sister and BIL to go out so I can babysit them!!!!!

You are the aunt I always dreamed of for my kids!

 

[Merandab4]

I was wondering how many of you (of the ones who say you are close with your neices and nephews) are biological, meaning it is your own sister or brothers child? I think it is natuaral to be closer and feel more of a bond when it is your own sibblings child. Besides, these are the children the you've known since they've been born. In some cases, you marry into having neices and nephews and they are already existing. In this case it's not so easy to build that bound.

To answer your question, I do think if the couple has children themselves there is less of an expectation for the amount they spend. Tink~

This is a problem we run into. Just because we we have no children of our own, I think people think of us as "less of a family". We still have a morgage to pay for, student loans, car payements and a pile of other bills. So there for I don't think expectations should be higher for those aunts and uncle who are childless.
Hoever, I do agree that whatever amount of$ or time that is spent with one set of neices and nephews should also be spent on the others.



Tink~[/QUOTE]Dont flame me here, I know money doesnt show love... however in his mind it just may be his way of "making up" for time or distance. I see nothing wrong with it if you have it to spend. I would never expect an unemployed uncle to be as generous a gift giver as one with a good job making decent money. Does that mean I do expect the one with the good job to be more generous? No I just wouldnt feel guilty about it as if we were taking away from his already hard finanial situation.Tink~[/QUOTE]

Again, just because we have good jobs, we should not be expected to spend more. We have our own bills too!

 

[solgent]

I think it is a mistake to compare. If someone does something nice for you, just try to appreciate it. Do not worry about what that person does for someone else or what you do for them or what you do for someone else. Do what you think is right. Do not give because you gave before or the other person gave you something. If that person is going to give you a hard time because they're comparing your gift to some standard they had in mind from somewhere or someone else, it's their problem.

My nephew has us (I'm his dad's sister) and his mother's brother. The "other" uncle gives more than we do, because he can and he wants to. I'm happy that my nephew has him. My brother & SIL know that we love them and our nephew. We try to use extra creativity instead of extra $ in our gifts to show how much we care!

 

[TinkerPixxie]

Tinkerpixxie says:
Does that mean I do expect the one with the good job to be more generous? No I just wouldnt feel guilty about it as if we were taking away from his already hard finanial situation.Tink~

Again, just because we have good jobs, we should not be expected to spend more. We have our own bills too![/QUOTE]


Did you opt to see that I said NO to the question? Reread what I wrote, that you yourself quoted please. I said "Does that mean I do expect the one with the good job to be more generous? NO

And the first time you quoted me you again didnt note what I said, which was that I do think there is more of an EXPECTATION, that doesnt mean I personally feel that way. Its my opinion on what I think other peoples expectations are.

Thank you for not reading what I wrote and instead assuming it by glancing over it, very kind of you.

Tink~

 

[KarenAylwood]

I have a very small family. My mom is an only child and her only relative living is her uncle (my great uncle) and her mother. My dad has one brother and their family lives in Indiana (we live in NY). Therefore I have only one aunt and uncle and their three kids are my cousins. I saw them a lot when I was younger, but haven't seen my aunt or the cousins since I was in my half sister's wedding 9 years ago. I have talked to my uncle on occasion when he calls and have always had a good relationship with him.

That said, my dad has always sent my cousins a card for Christmases, presents when they were younger and we actually saw them. That stopped when my dad's mother died and we no longer got together around the holidays. Still, my dad sent all three of my cousins $250 upon their high school graduation and gave my middle cousin our old computer (on top of the $250). Their oldest child graduated the year I did, and the others were younger by a few years.

I have NEVER even received a CARD or phone call for any graduation. Not high school, not college and I don't expect anything at this point for my graduate school completion. Our family is incredibly bitter about it but it is more under the surface and doesn't come out in conversation.

I think it's more important for involvement when you have a small family. If I had 20 aunts and uncles I wouldn't expect much. I only would expect to have a reciprocal gift given. The fact that my dad has given all three of my cousins gifts and I (an only child) have never received even a "congratulations" doesn't sit well with me.

I have a nephew of 7 years old and a niece that just turned 4. I've always given them Christmas gifts and birthday cards (sometimes gifts). I'm a 23 year old graduate student so it isn't expected of me but I feel obligated and would have appreciated the same treatment when I was younger. I live 600 miles from them, so I at least want them to know I'm thinking about them.

A card isn't that hard of a gesture to make.

 

[ElizaB39]

My kids have 5 bio aunts and uncles on my side and 2 bio aunts and uncles on DH's side. I have 3 sisters and two brothers and DH has one of each.

My youngest sister is the "time giver" even tho she lives 1,000 miles away from us. When she is with my kids and they ask her to do something, everytime single time I have EVER heard them ask, she responds, "okay" and gets up and follows them around and does whatever they ask. She didn't have much money (in the Peace Corp and that buck eighty a day didn't go far ; - )). They could have cared less about any gifts from her. She gave them her attention and time and love. That is truly what they remember.

I think kids also remember a dollar in a card for the holidays. My parent send one or two dollars for Valentine's, Halloween, Thanksgiving etc. My oldest sister calls them every first day of school to see how it went.

My two brothers are not "involved" but their wives are good about my kids, as good as they can be since we are 1,000 miles away.

DH's sister is totally involved with time and activites, but she buys them so much junk they get overwhelmed. It is dollar store crap that they look at and throw to the side. They will definietly remember the baseball games, hockey games, going to get FRESH Krispy Kremes right after midnight at the Krispy Kreme factory and high tea at the fancy schmancy hotel.

DH's bro barely remembers to call on Bdays, for 7 years he didn't call DS, this past year he finally did because DSIL called him to remind him about it. Now he has a GF that sends cards and etc for no reason and they love that.

All of my and DH's sibs are over 35 so maturity SHOULDN"T be an issue: - ).

My expectation of myself is to remember bdays and christmas. However, since all of my nieces and nephews are my brother's kids, and I am not close to them, that is a HUGE factor in our non closeness. I dearly love them and think they (the kids) are great. My mom keeps me updated, and I am always searching for the perfect gift, however small it may be...

 

[DisFlan]

My sister is 14 years younger than me and can't have her own biological children. We've always been close. She and her DH have adopted two gorgeous little girls from China, ages 4 and 2. We would give these kids the WORLD if they asked for it. We couldn't be closer if they were our own. We'd gladly raise them if anything happens to their parents.

They'll all be here in a week to spend a week+ with us over the holidays. The toys are piling up and I can hardly wait!

Our only child, our son, is 27. He and his wife both feel the same way about these little girls. My son will one day soon have his own family to grow up with them. We bought into DVC last year just so we can all have more WDW vacations together. Am I a happy aunt? You bet. I think about the future - and smile.

DisFlan

 

[kerry34]

I am an only child but am very close to my aunts and have been my whole life. They were all very good to me growing up and spent loads of time with me. Each of them has had a great influence on me. I did get gifts from them every birthday and christmas. For a while I was the only niece so I was really spoiled. My aunts are also very close to my kids as well. One of them has a daughter the same age as my oldest daughter and they are the best of friends. I think it is wonderful that my kids have had the opportunity to be so close to their great aunts the way they are. I also have an uncle who is always very good to my kids as well. He had kids later in life and his youngest son is close to my son also so they are around very frequently. Now on my husbands side he is one of four kids. His sisters have never really been the type to put alot of time into the kids. My BIL comes by occasionally. They do send gifts for christmas and we do the same for their kids as well. Unfortunately though they are the type the keeps track of every little thing that you do or dont do, so if we cant show up for a birthday party then they wont come to our kids. And if you do something they dont like or you make them mad they hold grudges for years. My sil refused to come to my twins birthday a few weeks ago when my husband extended the invitation because they had a disagreement a little over a month ago. Very petty and trivial for sure. I dont have much use for that kind of behavior. As for me I dont expect anything from anyone, if people want to do something for my kids then that is great but other than that I dont give it alot of thought.

 

[ChristyJ]

I don't have expectations for gifts, but I do have some expectations for other things concerning my children and relationships with their aunts/uncles. For instance, I am somewhat disappointed when my siblings don't make a simple phone call to my DDs (ages 6 & 9) on their birthdays-some siblings disappoint year after year and I wish it didn't affect my feelings....

I think the worst thing/biggest disappointment is my DD (9 now) just had surgery to remove a benign tumor and my brother NEVER called (still hasn't called & the surgery was 11/22) to inquire how she was doing-he knew about the whole situation through Emails and in speaking with my sisters (I haven't been able to call him because I'm so hurt about this still...). Plus I talked to him & saw him about 2 weeks prior to her surgery and we live about 45 mins. away from each other. Again, I wish I didn't have expectations because then I wouldn't feel as disappointed as I do.

 

[mshrm]

Personally I agree with a couple of the others. If the money is not a hardship that let dh do what he wants for his family. Some people just see Christmas differently than others.

I know I have family that I dont see or do much for year round but on Christmas I make an effort to send stuff their way. Im busy and far from them and I certainly hope because Im not popping up for sleep overs and the zoo that they dont think I dont love and care about them.

My dad died when I was young and his sister(my aunt) has never spent much time with me but like clock work I can expect a check on my birthday and on Christmas. Im closer to 40 now and the check still comes. When I was a kid I just loved to have an amount I could do what I wanted with as an adult Ive realized its just her way. We talk on the phone only 2x a year and I pop in to visit anytime Im in California, which is far more of an effort for contanct than she ever made. Its just the way of some people.

Merry Christmas!

 

[vanyel]

This has been a bit of a touchy subject in my house this week. In my Dh's family, when the kids become 18 they join the "Draw name". His one niece is 19 and is struggling. She's opted out of the draw name because she can't afford it and I want to still buy her something small (not as much as I would have before) and he says no. We actually had a little tiff about this am.

On the other side, my sister, who didn't used to do much for my kids when they were younger, is now sending them gifts and they're in their 20s. Both of them are working but one works for a non-profit (boys and girls club) and the other is a mental health counselor. They have degrees but make very little due to their choice of professions. The gift cards she sends them really help them out. They do write back and forth to my sister so there isn't just communication at Christmas.

I guess the answer to this question is certainly based on individual situations and preferences and there is no right answer here.

 

[solgent]

I am somewhat disappointed when my siblings don't make a simple phone call to my DDs (ages 6 & 9) on their birthdays-some siblings disappoint year after year and I wish it didn't affect my feelings....

I think the worst thing/biggest disappointment is my DD (9 now) just had surgery to remove a benign tumor and my brother NEVER called (still hasn't called & the surgery was 11/22) to inquire how she was doing-he knew about the whole situation through Emails and in speaking with my sisters (I haven't been able to call him because I'm so hurt about this still...). Plus I talked to him & saw him about 2 weeks prior to her surgery and we live about 45 mins. away from each other. Again, I wish I didn't have expectations because then I wouldn't feel as disappointed as I do.

Try to let go of these expectations. Tell yourself that your siblings aren't going to call and then you can be pleasantly surprised if they do... but really, they are not under any obligation to. Or you could tell them, this is really important to me and I wonder why you don't call.

About your brother, maybe he's telling himself, "I know everything's fine because my sisters told me and I don't want to bother the family."

You're interpreting the not calling as not caring and it just might not be that way. If you can consider other more benign explanations-- it doesn't mean to them what it means to me, they got really busy which happens to everyone from time to time, etc.-- it won't be as painful.

 

[ceecee]

I don't have expectations for gifts, but I do have some expectations for other things concerning my children and relationships with their aunts/uncles. For instance, I am somewhat disappointed when my siblings don't make a simple phone call to my DDs (ages 6 & 9) on their birthdays-some siblings disappoint year after year and I wish it didn't affect my feelings....

I think the worst thing/biggest disappointment is my DD (9 now) just had surgery to remove a benign tumor and my brother NEVER called (still hasn't called & the surgery was 11/22) to inquire how she was doing-he knew about the whole situation through Emails and in speaking with my sisters (I haven't been able to call him because I'm so hurt about this still...). Plus I talked to him & saw him about 2 weeks prior to her surgery and we live about 45 mins. away from each other. Again, I wish I didn't have expectations because then I wouldn't feel as disappointed as I do.

As the poster above stated. He probably got the info from other family members and knows the outcome....that's happened before in my family. I'm sure he cares, he just didn't call you directly, but another family member told him. Men do things differently sometimes!