Weird wedding celebration

[tzolkin]

Generally it's take out the trash and start the dishwasher if you used dishes. The airbnb we stayed at several weeks ago was like that.

But we've also had one that was start the towels in addition to the stuff above (that was in the Lake of the Ozarks). In the Hawaii one it was put things back the way they were mostly meaning the murphy bed and furniture in that "room" (the area had a sliding partition for separation) back as well as dishes if used them but we did ask about leftover stuff in the fridge by means of messaging the owner and she was fine with us leaving that for the cleaning crew as well as our towels we used (there was no washer and dryer in the unit). We did sweep the place because while the cleaning fee would take care of some stuff sand was pretty prevalent. The owner of course in a beach condo would expect sand but we wanted to make it less so.

I do think there are varying levels where there are airbnb, vrbo, flip key, etc places where it feel less like you're paying for a cleaning fee and more like you're cleaning the place yourself. It's an issue that has more or less just gotten worse as these alternatives to hotels have become more and more prevalent. It didn't used to be that airbnb was about to do lists and more like someone hosting people (bed n breakfast style) and sorta morphed into something else.

Aside from wanting our guests to feel like guests, I prefer the guests not to do things because I'm pretty particular. There is no way the average guest is going to clean anything to my standards in the morning before checking out, so I don't see any point in asking/expecting them to do anything. Ex. all of our bedding/towels/linens are white. I inspect every inch for stains and pretreat before washing and then I inspect for stray hairs once they are clean and ensure everything is wrinkle free.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Aside from wanting our guests to feel like guests, I prefer the guests not to do things because I'm pretty particular. There is no way the average guest is going to clean anything to my standards in the morning before checking out, so I don't see any point in asking/expecting them to do anything. Ex. all of our bedding/towels/linens are white. I inspect every inch for stains and pretreat before washing and then I inspect for stray hairs once they are clean and ensure everything is wrinkle free.

I'm right there with you it'd be exactly how I am but every place we've stayed at when it's been a for rent by owner (on various platforms) has had some sort of cleaning or to do list despite the cleaning fee. Most are fairly low key though in like starting the dishwasher and/or take out the trash (although the Hawaii one did not have that but I think that was more just because of the condo building itself). I think it's fine within reason but I also think it starts being convoluted when a charge for cleaning fee happens and yet you have a list of things to do that end up making the cleaning fee profit not necessity.

I should also mention temperature requirements. The condo we stayed several weeks back had a limit to the a/c stating it was burden on the system, entirely plausible although the self-contained neighborhood it was at (was gated with security and had duplexes, houses and apartments/condos all in the same area) was swanky but the decor of the unit was old it's possible the a/c unit hadn't been updated in a while, it wasn't too too bad but at night did get a tad warm. Then the place at the Lake advised us to turn the temp up to a specified one before we left but that I believe was cost-savings as well as burden to the unit while there was no one actively staying there.

Airbnb for example used to be people renting out a room in their home (or on their property) and now many are where the owner doesn't live there, may not even be in the state or country for that matter so I think some of that initial host/hostess stuff has shifted away.

 

[jaybirdsmommy]

I think it sounds like fun....not your typical wedding, but at least you know in advance what to expect and could bow out if you didn't want to attend.

The only thing I'd be iffy on is the potluck, since it sounds like people will be camping and may not have adequate food storage capability. Other than that, I'd go and enjoy it.

 

[tzolkin]

Agreed. I got married 5 years ago, and we did a lot of what these people are asking guests to do. Guests shouldn't be making bouquets, but it would be easy enough for the bridal party to. My MoH and I made up all the bouquets and floral arrangements the day before and saved a fortune. Same with the food. We made the food ourselves and chose a menu that would make that easy (roast beef--ours wasn't a fancy wedding and no vegetarians in the family. Your choice was roast beef or roast beef, along with a variety of sides that didn't need to be piping hot.) I get not wanting to spend too much money on a wedding, but having guests camp and do all the work is not the way.

I was reading it differently. It sounded more to me like they (bridal party/family) were setting up and decorating the day before and were extending an invitation if people happened to be in the area and wanted to come by to participate that they were welcome to, not that they were expecting all the guests to come and do all of the prep/decor work. I think this definitely depends on the guest-- bride's 25 year old friends from college may love hanging out and helping to make floral arrangements; her parent's co-worker probably not interested.

I also think the camping part was an option, not a requirement. It sounds like accommodations in that town are expensive so the family of the bride/groom was offering for their friends to camp on their property as an option for those who couldn't afford a hotel/airbnb. Quite a few of my young cousins camped on my parents' property during our wedding weekend. They had a great time socializing with each other, didn't have to pay for a hotel, and didn't have to worry about leaving after they had been drinking.

No way! Hosting guests at a wedding is the job of the bride/groom and families. If they want to have a picnic type wedding that's fine, but they do the work or hire someone to do it. I know not everyone can afford a wedding, however that is just in poor taste.

I think most people have attended potluck events and not thought twice about it. There are plenty of parties where guests bringing food is an expected norm, but when you label it a wedding that's "in poor taste". I do agree with you and also make a distinction, but I'm wondering why exactly that is. Is it because someone is designated as "hosting" the event so it's expected that they should be providing all the food and drinks? Are most potlucks considered more of a communal get together instead of having an official "host" and that's why its okay to expect the guests to bring food? Is it because gifts are presumed for a wedding and the attendee feels that is their contribution to the celebration?

I'm seeing this event as being more of a casual celebration instead of an actual wedding, so I think that's where the line is getting blurred.

 

[AppleDumpling]

I don’t mind a low-budget wedding, but asking your guests to provide basically all the supplies and set it up, plus specifying what food, what colors etc. is just too much, IMO. Not to mention a gift for the couple. With the camping element and potential issues with storing and preparing food, this sounds like a logistical nightmare.

 

[Sinder]

I know we on the DIS love a good wedding thread! I have to share this, it's the weirdest wedding invitation I've ever heard of! DD and SIL are going to a "wedding celebration" hosted by a couple who were married during Covid and couldn't have the full wedding they always wanted. The wedding is 6 days away. DD just learned of a wedding website. Guests are invited to attend the Wednesday festivities, to pitch a tent and set up tables, and Thursday festivities, which include decorating and making bouquets. The celebration is on Saturday, to which guests are asked to bring a dish to share (to feed 20 people, 100 are attending, there's a sign-up sheet), their own beverages (alcoholic and non), and their own place settings- plates, bowls, utensils, napkins, and glasses- none of which can be disposable as this is a zero-impact celebration. (DH is pretty amused, wants to know what they are doing about toilet paper ) I mean... I thought I'd heard of everything, but this takes the cake (which people have been asked to bring, specific flavors decorated in specific colors to match the decor)!! DD's pretty salty about this, especially as it's a 4 hour drive away and they will be tenting for the evening as the location is a seacoast town where hotel/airbnb prices are about $350 a night, if you can get a room for just one night. They won't be doing any of the pre-festivities, of course, and I guess we'll hit Goodwill for dishes that we don't mind "losing" if they don't make it back (dirty?) from the wedding.

So guests are "invited" to set up tables, make decorations, expected to bring food to feed the guests, beverages, their own place settings, and their own accommodations?
What exactly is the couple hosting?

I have no problem with a casual get together to celebrate a wedding but at the very least as a host you should be providing something like the food and beverages. Especially if you are going to ask so much of your guests and expect a gift. This specific celebration comes across as pretty tacky IMO.

 

[T.G.I.Friday]

I was reading it differently. It sounded more to me like they (bridal party/family) were setting up and decorating the day before and were extending an invitation if people happened to be in the area and wanted to come by to participate that they were welcome to, not that they were expecting all the guests to come and do all of the prep/decor work. I think this definitely depends on the guest-- bride's 25 year old friends from college may love hanging out and helping to make floral arrangements; her parent's co-worker probably not interested.

I also think the camping part was an option, not a requirement. It sounds like accommodations in that town are expensive so the family of the bride/groom was offering for their friends to camp on their property as an option for those who couldn't afford a hotel/airbnb. Quite a few of my young cousins camped on my parents' property during our wedding weekend. They had a great time socializing with each other, didn't have to pay for a hotel, and didn't have to worry about leaving after they had been drinking.



I think most people have attended potluck events and not thought twice about it. There are plenty of parties where guests bringing food is an expected norm, but when you label it a wedding that's "in poor taste". I do agree with you and also make a distinction, but I'm wondering why exactly that is. Is it because someone is designated as "hosting" the event so it's expected that they should be providing all the food and drinks? Are most potlucks considered more of a communal get together instead of having an official "host" and that's why its okay to expect the guests to bring food? Is it because gifts are presumed for a wedding and the attendee feels that is their contribution to the celebration?

I'm seeing this event as being more of a casual celebration instead of an actual wedding, so I think that's where the line is getting blurred.

It’s the favors (in specific colors!) and cake.

Casual potluck to celebrate is totally fine.

But trying to make a traditional celebration while not hosting any part of it is what makes it weird for me.

Favors - by definition! - are thanks yous for your guests. Asking a guest to make them to provide them for the other guests?!? That is so odd!!! They have the manners to want to provide them, but don’t have the thought that asking the entirety of guests to bring them might be off??*

*I assumed from the original post that it was an item needed on the sign up sheet and not that they went directly to Aunt Sally who makes delicious jam. Totally different.

To me, it’s like inviting friends to stay for the weekend and then giving them a bill to pay to clean their room when they leave.

 

[jrmasm]

I was reading it differently. It sounded more to me like they (bridal party/family) were setting up and decorating the day before and were extending an invitation if people happened to be in the area and wanted to come by to participate that they were welcome to, not that they were expecting all the guests to come and do all of the prep/decor work. I think this definitely depends on the guest-- bride's 25 year old friends from college may love hanging out and helping to make floral arrangements; her parent's co-worker probably not interested.

I also think the camping part was an option, not a requirement. It sounds like accommodations in that town are expensive so the family of the bride/groom was offering for their friends to camp on their property as an option for those who couldn't afford a hotel/airbnb. Quite a few of my young cousins camped on my parents' property during our wedding weekend. They had a great time socializing with each other, didn't have to pay for a hotel, and didn't have to worry about leaving after they had been drinking.



I think most people have attended potluck events and not thought twice about it. There are plenty of parties where guests bringing food is an expected norm, but when you label it a wedding that's "in poor taste". I do agree with you and also make a distinction, but I'm wondering why exactly that is. Is it because someone is designated as "hosting" the event so it's expected that they should be providing all the food and drinks? Are most potlucks considered more of a communal get together instead of having an official "host" and that's why its okay to expect the guests to bring food? Is it because gifts are presumed for a wedding and the attendee feels that is their contribution to the celebration?

I'm seeing this event as being more of a casual celebration instead of an actual wedding, so I think that's where the line is getting blurred.

IMO no one should be asked to contribute to throwing an event if a gift is the norm.

 

[TwoMisfits]

IMO no one should be asked to contribute to throwing an event if a gift is the norm.

I agree - the gift is your contribution. I'd actually have expected the invites to mention something about "gifts are unneccessary since your party contribution is already your gift to us, and we thank you."

 

[lisaviolet]

Oh yay, another thread saying if people don’t do things my way, it’s weird.

Well my word is not weird, it is worse.

People are not your guests when you expect them to work for you & provide for you to celebrate.

I actually love more casual events. Two of the favourite weddings over the years were just that.
So much fun. And memorable.

But I am all for a judging session when you don't respect your guests.

 

[Lumpy1106]

That gets a hard pass from me. In the spirit of the planned event, I'd send back the RSVP, "decline", with a picture of the gift I bought for myself.

 

[mjkacmom]

It's definitely weird from a traditional wedding standpoint, but I have become less of a fan of the traditional wedding as I have gotten older. I would be happy if my kids decide to just do something fun and less formal.

I see the event OP described as more of a fun get together to celebrate rather than a usual wedding. Camping and potluck are definitely not everyone's cup of tea, but if that's something that's fun and normal for the couple and their close friends/family then I don't see anything wrong with it. Even the bring your own reusable dishes doesn't seem that odd depending on their circle.

My wedding was a multi-day event with a formal evening reception, formal brunch, etc. But the most fun part was the informal barbecue we had at my parents' farm with fireworks and music and everyone relaxing and having a good time. If we had to do it over, my husband and I would have been perfectly satisfied with just that for our celebration. The rest was really just an unnecessary extravagance because it was expected by my family. It was nice, but it didn't suit either of our personalities and the money could have been spent in a more practical way.


I was assuming that since it's at someone's home they would likely have the kitchen open for you to wash your things before you leave. That said, we have been to picnics and gatherings with a more "hippie" crowd where reusable was the norm. People had a picnic basket or a reusable bag that they used to transport their dishes/utensils/etc in.


I keep reading articles like this online, but I have never actually stayed anywhere that asked you to do anything other than maybe running the dishwasher before you left. I have an AirBnB and we do charge a cleaning fee ($75), but I don't expect the guests to do anything. Quite a few will do things like strip the beds (maybe because they stayed somewhere else that required it), but I actually find it annoying and causes more work than if they would have just left it.

We rent vrbo at least once a year, down the shore. We strip the beds (unless linens weren’t provided), run and empty the dishwasher, empty garbage cans and bring out garbage and recycling, empty the fridge, turn off a/c, vacuum (this is all expected and in writing). We lost our security a couple of years ago because the trash wasn’t removed from one of the four bathrooms, a couple it items were left in the fridge, shampoo was left in a shower, and there was a tissue on the floor (I received photos of it all, including the tissue). This was an 8 bedroom house that was $1500 - a night - before taxes and fees. Oh, and was told it was too sandy (we brought and ran roomba every day, the house was oceanfront and surrounded by sand. My daughter had a finishing nail go through her toe (there were a bunch in the driveway under the house under sand). Rented 2 homes from this person, never again. Emptying the dishwasher was required at every rental we used.

 

[Lumpy1106]

You know this reminds me of my cousin's wedding. Growing up he was always "that kid" that was in trouble during events like weddings. So imagine our surprise when he explicitly states on his wedding invite, "no kids allowed".

Wait, it gets worse;

The wedding was planned at a winery 2 hours away
On a Sunday Night
during the school year

hold my champagne flute, it gets worse;
My family of 4 RSVP'ed "decline" (obviously) but then went to get him something off the registry. He had set up what amounted to a fancy GoFundMe where you "gifted" them funds to pay for the wedding and the honeymoon - no physical gifts.

SMH...

 

[mjkacmom]

You know this reminds me of my cousin's wedding. Growing up he was always "that kid" that was in trouble during events like weddings. So imagine our surprise when he explicitly states on his wedding invite, "no kids allowed".

Wait, it gets worse;

The wedding was planned at a winery 2 hours away
On a Sunday Night
during the school year

hold my champagne flute, it gets worse;
My family of 4 RSVP'ed "decline" (obviously) but then went to get him something off the registry. He had set up what amounted to a fancy GoFundMe where you "gifted" them funds to pay for the wedding and the honeymoon - no physical gifts.

SMH...

None of that sounds very weird, kids are rarely invited to weddings here, some do Sundays to save money, and I don’t think my registry information was given out to wedding guests because it was mostly for the shower.

 

[sk!mom]

I keep reading articles like this online, but I have never actually stayed anywhere that asked you to do anything other than maybe running the dishwasher before you left. I have an AirBnB and we do charge a cleaning fee ($75), but I don't expect the guests to do anything. Quite a few will do things like strip the beds (maybe because they stayed somewhere else that required it), but I actually find it annoying and causes more work than if they would have just left it.

I have read a couple of articles recently, as well, about the decline in people renting home shares due to the increase in fees and chore or rules lists.

Our last two experiences track with the issues mentioned in the articles. Both charged a cleaning fee ($200/350) and then had a list of chores- strip beds and leave bedding on the laundry room floor. Wash, dry, fold, and put away any towels used. Run and empty dishwasher. Take out all trash and if there on trash pick up day, move the outdoor cans to the pick up location. These types of experiences have me preferring hotels except in the situations that put me there- a group trip with other families/couples. I was not the renter on either of those. I just Venmoed my share to the trip organizer.

I’ve only been the organizer/renter of the home share for a group trip once a few years ago. There weren’t a lot of chores on that one but we had the issue of being in Key West with a note on the thermostat that said not to put it below 80.

All things considered, I prefer a hotel unless it’s a group that needs hang out space.

 

[lifesavacation]

I found the extravagance of my son's recent wedding wasteful and excessive. I just don't see the point of spending 80K for a single party so I think the wedding in question isn't that bad.

I wouldn't be interested in attending the camping portion or decorating, but I'd be up for bringing my own dishes and food.

 

[barkley]

You know this reminds me of my cousin's wedding. Growing up he was always "that kid" that was in trouble during events like weddings. So imagine our surprise when he explicitly states on his wedding invite, "no kids allowed".

Wait, it gets worse;

The wedding was planned at a winery 2 hours away
On a Sunday Night
during the school year

hold my champagne flute, it gets worse;
My family of 4 RSVP'ed "decline" (obviously) but then went to get him something off the registry. He had set up what amounted to a fancy GoFundMe where you "gifted" them funds to pay for the wedding and the honeymoon - no physical gifts.

SMH...

your cousin could have been getting more from those who attended based on my experiences.......many moons ago i worked in wedding planning for a place that specialized in winery weddings. it was not out of the norm for the couple (or their parents) to set up the lodging in such a way that they would tell guests to only book under "(insert couple's names) wedding block" inferring that some kind of special rate had been negotiated. well.......it had........a special rate as in free or greatly reduced rate rooms for the bride and groom (and often the primary hosting parents) that was being paid for by virtue of the 'block' guests paying well above what they could have gotten their rooms for with our standard rates let alone with a triple a/aarp or other discount

 

[prairie_girl]

Well my word is not weird, it is worse.

People are not your guests when you expect them to work for you & provide for you to celebrate.

I actually love more casual events. Two of the favourite weddings over the years were just that.
So much fun. And memorable.

But I am all for a judging session when you don't respect your guests.

If you don’t want to go, don’t go. I am very much a live and let live person, so I’d say no thank you and move on.

 

[HopperFan]

You know this reminds me of my cousin's wedding. Growing up he was always "that kid" that was in trouble during events like weddings. So imagine our surprise when he explicitly states on his wedding invite, "no kids allowed".

Wait, it gets worse;

The wedding was planned at a winery 2 hours away
On a Sunday Night
during the school year

hold my champagne flute, it gets worse;
My family of 4 RSVP'ed "decline" (obviously) but then went to get him something off the registry. He had set up what amounted to a fancy GoFundMe where you "gifted" them funds to pay for the wedding and the honeymoon - no physical gifts.

SMH...

Maybe he realized how he was at weddings and decided he shouldn't have been invited when he was a child. DD had no children at her wedding and I've been to several that way. Some have a couple niece/nephews but no others. No surprise folks want a nice adult evening, and I actually prefer that if a night wedding.

What I take from a Sunday NIGHT wedding that is hours from home ~ they hope guests won't come and it will save them money. Unless they were super super close to us, I would have declined as well.

I realize that Honeymoon Funds are a thing, I don't like them and won't play, but I have given cash as gifts so I supposed what is the difference? But to ask for funds to pay for a wedding that you can't afford is tacky.

 

[Turn the Page]

My cousin and his brand new wife got married privately a few days ago. They live in another state and I don't think she had met any of our family except her new MIL and FIL so they had a super casual gathering/celebration on Saturday for people to come and meet the bride and wish them well. It was at a family property and there was a bon fire, corn hole, coolers with beer, and the kids were even fishing. When I left they were pulling out s'mores fixings.

It was a really nice, super casual laid back event.....but even the provided all the food and drinks.

I would have turned down an invitation like the one in the OP.

I am all for people having the wedding celebration they want and I do feel badly for those that had to scale back celebrations during COVID. But, if you put your wedding off for 2 plus years because you couldn't have 500 of your closest friends attend then I really have to wonder if you're interested in the wedding more than the actual marriage.