Weddings: In Lieu of Favors; a donation. What do you think?

[JaneBanks]

OK, I mean this in the nicest way possible. If that is really how you feel then internet message boards may not be for you.

I personally don't give a flying fart in space what you did at your wedding seeing as I wasn't here, but there are people who weren't there who are going to, and clearly do. And then there are people who care and are gonna tell you. It's like walking into a football stadium full of people and asking them all for their opinion. And they'll answer. And if you can't not take things personally from a faceless stranger, this isn't the place for you.

LOL I know what you're saying! Believe me I do. I normally don't care but this just hit a raw nerve I didn't know I had!

 

[wvjules]

LOL I know what you're saying! Believe me I do. I normally don't care but this just hit a raw nerve I didn't know I had!

The DIS can do that sometimes.

 

[JaneBanks]

The DIS can do that sometimes.

I need a NAP!

 

[tlbwriter]

There are lots of ways to remember lost loved ones. Around here, it's usually a note in the wedding program and/or a photo at the reception. I remember one that was really sweet - the back of the wedding program said something like "Friends and family who couldn't be here today but are always with us in spirit" and they had managed to get photos of the loved ones with one or both of the couple getting married - the bride as a baby in her grandfather's arms, the groom with his friend in high school, etc. One could easily do something like that without announcing that they'd made a donation.

 

[shirleyb]

And if the charitable donation was made in memory of a deceased family member? Say a parent or a grandparent? As a way of making them a part of the celebration, and keeping their memory alive? You still balk at this idea, or is this acceptable?

My stepfather, who I was very close to, died before I was married. To honor and remember him, I had a floral arrangement placed on the piano at the church, and there was a notice in the program that said something to the effect "The floral arrangement on the piano is in memory of the bride's stepfather."

No matter how you slice it, if you're giving something you would have given to your guests, to someone else instead (a charity or what have you), you're not giving of yourself, you're giving of someone else.

 

[JaneBanks]

There are lots of ways to remember lost loved ones. Around here, it's usually a note in the wedding program and/or a photo at the reception. I remember one that was really sweet - the back of the wedding program said something like "Friends and family who couldn't be here today but are always with us in spirit" and they had managed to get photos of the loved ones with one or both of the couple getting married - the bride as a baby in her grandfather's arms, the groom with his friend in high school, etc. One could easily do something like that without announcing that they'd made a donation.

Okay, you're right. We were wrong.

 

[tlbwriter]

Okay, you're right. We were wrong.

I'm not trying to argue with you. I was trying to give some ideas for the OP and anyone else in this situation. Again, don't take everything personally.

 

[Scurvy]

Yes, this thread is exhausting and I'm not clearly stating what I mean to say.

I know no one feels like donating is tacky. I know this.

I know some feel like announcing the donation is tacky. This is where I disagree. I just don't feel that announcing the donation means that someone is trying to be the center of attention.

When someone says that announcing it is tacky, I take offense to it because I did let everyone know that this is what I did. I didn't do it for the praise and the " look at me, I'm such a great person" reaction.

I just don't like being told what my intentions were with making the decision to tell people. I don't like being told that my "breeding" is now in question.

I'm one of the people who said announcing it is unnecessary and might be tacky. I certainly didn't mean it as a personal attack against anyone who did such a thing. It's just the way I feel. I think donations are great. I lost my father to cancer last year and I've already made a few donations in his name, and plan to make more. I don't go around telling everyone about them because to me that would seem tacky. I do tell the people who I think it would matter to, like my mother and sister, because I know it would make them happy. It makes me happy when people tell me they made a donation in his name to the local Cancer Center or to his university. It doesn't seem tacky when it's printed in an organization's newletter, because presumably the people who are interested in the organization are also interested in hearing who makes the donations and why they are made. But I would think it was a bit tacky if those same people were putting it in their Christmas newsletter because if the people they were broadcasting the donation to don't have any real reason to care about it then to me it would seem more like they were doing it for the attention. Making the donation isn't tacky. Telling the people closest to the person the donation was in honor of isn't tacky. Telling random people who weren't close to that person (and have no connection to the charity being donated to) does strike me as a little bit attention seeking and tacky.

At a wedding, I love it when people have flowers or pictures set up in memory of people who have passed away. I love it when a bride wears her late mother's dress or carries her late grandmother's Bible, or the groom wears his late father's pocket watch. I don't think including a note about things like that in the program is remotely tacky. I think it's sweet to include them symbolically in such an important day. But to me, the mention of a donation in their memory is unnecessary unless the bride and groom know that everyone there has reason to want to know that information. If your guests weren't close to the honoree then I don't think it's information that needs to be shared with them. That's just my personal opinion.

The "in lieu of favors" thing, on the other hand, I think is completely tacky. There is no reason to explain the absence of favors. To me, that seems as ridiculous as explaining the absence of high end champagne or a three month honeymoon. Your budget is no one's business but your own and I think sharing information about your budget with your guests is very tacky.

 

[Ember]

What I did do for my wedding though was let people know if they wanted to donate to the American Cancer Society in lieu of giving us a gift, we would appreciate that. (I am a cancer survivor and my mom was still battling cancer when I got married.)

I don't think anyone has said yet that this was a very selfless and classy thing. I would have donated twice as much as I would have spent on a gift in honor of such a thoughtful couple.

 

[GinnyEmma]

I don't think anyone has said yet that this was a very selfless and classy thing. I would have donated twice as much as I wBUZZFM821ould have spent on a gift in honor of such a thoughtful couple.

I agree, I would have been honored to donate.

 

[focusondisney]

And where would that be? Why is it harder to cut the cost of a limo, or flowers, or alcohol, or a honeymoon, or your dress, or your ring, or the meal, or the music, or the invitations, etc.? Yes, I'm being facetious. I know exactly why it's harder to cut those. Because the bride and/or groom want them. That's the bottom line. The bridge and groom are willing to cut things they don't care about, but not the things they want. And hey, that's human. I have no problem cutting the favors out altogether. I simply have an issue with announcing that you have done so that you can Do Good And Make Sure Everyone Knows It, But At No Cost to Yourself.. Well, if your guests are entitled to favors, making a big deal about leaving those out so you can Do Good And Make Sure Everyone Knows It, But At No Cost to Yourself is tacky. I'm sorry you don't get that, but it is.

And why is it At No Cost to Yourself? Because you didn't personally sacrifice a single thing. You took money you were going to spend on other people and gave it to charity instead. Yay you. You want to really be charitable? Take money you were going to spend on YOURSELF and give it to charity instead. Taking one person's gift and giving it to another is not charity.

I don't feel guests are entitled to a favor. But obviously you and other posters do. Because if people aren't entitled to a favor, there is absolutely no need to explain to them why they aren't getting one. It would be like having a note at each table saying "You don't have your own personal violinist because we decided to spend that money on charity instead." If you truly think your guests need an explanation, that means you KNOW you have taken money you should have spent on them and spent it on something else of your choosing instead.

I can't believe this thread is still going! I said something very similar days & pages ago. But you have said it very well!

It isn't tacky to give. What part of that can you not understand? No one has said it is.

It is beyond tacky to make it about the wedding. A gift to charity has nothing to do with a wedding.

Agreed! I don't see why the bride & groom need to donate to charity as a part of their wedding? If they want to make a donation, just do it. Don't relate it to the wedding.

In remembrance of a loved one.

There are lots of ways to remember lost loved ones. Around here, it's usually a note in the wedding program and/or a photo at the reception. I remember one that was really sweet - the back of the wedding program said something like "Friends and family who couldn't be here today but are always with us in spirit" and they had managed to get photos of the loved ones with one or both of the couple getting married - the bride as a baby in her grandfather's arms, the groom with his friend in high school, etc. One could easily do something like that without announcing that they'd made a donation.

To both of these posts. Again, I said when this thread started, my DH lost his mom years before we met & my beloved Grandfather died just months before our wedding. All our family & close friends were thinking about them on our wedding day. Noone could possibly think we didn't remember & miss them being there & we didn't need to announce that we did. We remembered them in special ways without announcing it or cutting something from our guests. I carried 3 roses in my bouquet. After the ceremony I gave 1 to my mom, 1 to DH's stepmom & we took 1 to MIL's grave at the cemetery. I also used a hanky from my GF in part of our ceremony.

 

[WeLoveLilo05]

I can't believe this thread is still going! I said something very similar days & pages ago. But you have said it very well!





Agreed! I don't see why the bride & groom need to donate to charity as a part of their wedding? If they want to make a donation, just do it. Don't relate it to the wedding.




To both of these posts. Again, I said when this thread started, my DH lost his mom years before we met & my beloved Grandfather died just months before our wedding. All our family & close friends were thinking about them on our wedding day. Noone could possibly think we didn't remember & miss them being there & we didn't need to announce that we did. We remembered them in special ways without announcing it or cutting something from our guests. I carried 3 roses in my bouquet. After the ceremony I gave 1 to my mom, 1 to DH's stepmom & we took 1 to MIL's grave at the cemetery. I also used a hanky from my GF in part of our ceremony.

But who is to say that one person's way of honoring a person's memory is right while the others is wrong?
Some people do candles, some flowers, some programs, some donations, some a picture of the person on their bouquet.

 

[GinnyEmma]

Oh please. "here people, we gave this money to a charity, so look at us! Oh, and give us presents."

 

[DMRick]

I just don't understand, no matter what the reason was for and the wording that is being used, why it's tacky to donate.[/QUOTE]
LOL..it isn't tacky to donate. No one thinks it's tacky to donate. Why do you keep saying that?
Announcing you are taking the guests treat (which they prob could care less about) and donating..that is the tacky part imo. But you must have read that a dozen times by now.

No one thinks donating is tacky. Not one single person.

 

[DMRick]

But who is to say that one person's way of honoring a person's memory is right while the others is wrong?
Some people do candles, some flowers, some programs, some donations, some a picture of the person on their bouquet.

And all of those are great ways. Much different from saying to people, I had a gift for you, but decided to donate to my charity instead. You (as in anyone, not just you personally) can still donate and not give a favor. Just no reason to mention it. If someone is upset they didn't get a favor and are demanding to know why..they are the people with the problem. You don't owe a favor to anyone.

 

[MiniGirl]

I don't think anyone has said yet that this was a very selfless and classy thing. I would have donated twice as much as I would have spent on a gift in honor of such a thoughtful couple.

I agree, I would have been honored to donate.

Ahhh. Thanks ya'll. We were so very touched by the generousity of our friends and family. Many of them made a nice donation and then gave us a little something on top of that. It really was nice.

However, I feel I should add that it really wasn't that big of a deal. Dh and I lived together for several years before we got married, so we really didn't have a "need" for anything. KWIM?

 

[tlbwriter]

I don't think anyone has said yet that this was a very selfless and classy thing. I would have donated twice as much as I would have spent on a gift in honor of such a thoughtful couple.

I agree. This is a true charitable donation - taking something that would have gone to you and giving it to a charity.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Carly_Roach wrote:

I'd be hard-pressed not to send my child (if I had one) to the party with a card stating that I thought her idea of selflessly giving to that charity was so wonderful that I donated the cost of the birthday child's present to the same charity in that child's name.



TC

 

[Ember]

However, I feel I should add that it really wasn't that big of a deal. Dh and I lived together for several years before we got married, so we really didn't have a "need" for anything. KWIM?

No, it is a big deal. So many couples would have taken the stance of, "we already have everything, so just give us cash / pay for our honeymoon!" I really do respect what you both decided to do.

 

[MiniGirl]

No, it is a big deal. So many couples would have taken the stance of, "we already have everything, so just give us cash / pay for our honeymoon!" I really do respect what you both decided to do.

You know. A friend was telling me last week that I don't accept compliments well. That I need to learn to just say "thank You" without trying to diminsh what they are saying. I guess this is an example of what she was talking about, so I will just say a very sincere Thank you for your kind words. I really do appreciate them.