Wedding invitation with rules

[GoingSince1990]

"COCKTAIL OUTSIDE IN SUMMER?! I would have to know what is being provided for comfort or cocktail would be right out the window. I'm not a cute twenty something that can pull off a itty bitty cocktail dress that leaves me breezy and cool. Before I agreed to go I would have to know what their plans are for "comfort" in a SUMMER backyard wedding. Yes I've seen the air conditioned tents or it's located so far up north it would be comfortable. As PP stated is the land paved? Is this a buggy area? All those would factor. I live in the south, a summer wedding outside would be my personal misery. I've been to a couple in the heat of summer where we were outside, too long, and I find it sad when that is not factored in for one's guests."

"No way am I wearing a dress and heels outside in the summer time, not even for my kids. "

Your own comment: "So selfish and annoying when the bride’s main priority is how good the photos look on Instagram. I had to go to a destination beach wedding where the bride insisted on black tie (so hot and uncomfortable tux and cummerbund, blister-producing shoes, etc.) because she clearly prioritized visually appealing photos over the comfort of her guests. For the rest of my life, to me, she will always be “the one who made me wear a tux on the beach in 85 degree heat”. Sure you didn't use Bridezilla, you used selfish, annoying and that you'll forever remember the bride in that way.

Then a response to your comment above: "A ceremony of uniting 2 people and the celebration/embracing of that union by family and friends is turning into - ironically - something more self-absorbed and narcissistic. Who cares if the guests look uniform on social media? Or if the bachelorette weekend resembles a military operation of 'fun'? Or if the seat cushions match the door knobs?! I firmly believe that the best kind of wedding supports everyone in having a comfortable, hopefully fun and, definitely, reasonably-priced time. ...IOW, that everyone matters." Thing is people can and do find fault with any sort of thing mentioned on an invite (even such as asking for casual shoes got someone tsking the bride and groom) and you have enough people commenting about their comfort level and only their comfort level and if it's beyond their personal comfort level the bride and groom are at fault and usually negative labels are used. You can never please everyone.

Slightly general comment though not quite calling out the bride and groom: "For the OP - for any wedding, with any requests that are beyond what I am comfortable with, I just send a card and wish them well. I don't break my own comfort for the esthetics of someone else."


And that's just this thread. Any wedding thread gets people talking about an experience they had about a summer wedding and sometimes the OP's OP is about a summer wedding. It's rarely if ever talked about without condemning the couple for making this decision. Even destination weddings on a beach there's usually some comment made about something towards the guest's comfort being compromised. Summer-outdoor=immediate complaints and pointing fingers for the bulk of posters over time.

I’m fine with a beach wedding; my issue was having to wear black tie including tux and cummerbund in the heat to a beach wedding. Definite Bridezilla behavior there, as everyone would have been so much more comfortable in more casual clothing, but of course that might not have looked quite so good on Instagram.

 

[mjkacmom]

That's a bit much I would think makes me think there's a way he interacts with the public too. Kinda reminds me of my father although I don't think even his stingy self would actually in the moment deduct money from a gift like you describe. Although at a wedding aren't the envelopes and gifts away from the guests? Like at a table?

We had envelopes put inside a bird cage type thing (that is now a decor item on our mantle). It would have looked very weird if someone was reaching in to remove an envelope.

Most of the weddings I attended when I was younger had the couple come around to each table and the bride had the “tacky bag” to put the envelopes in it. Now there is usually some sort of box.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I’m fine with a beach wedding; my issue was having to wear black tie including tux and cummerbund in the heat to a beach wedding. Definite Bridezilla behavior there, as everyone would have been so much more comfortable in more casual clothing, but of course that might not have looked quite so good on Instagram.

I think that's a very understandable point, but none the less proving of my point.

I'm not disagreeing with you on formal attire in summer heat but rather that when it comes to just about everything many will label brides and to a lesser extent grooms as such and such for sometimes even the most minor of details.

Sometimes even when the decision was for their own comfort such as the request for casual shoes and it was still commented in a negative way "This would actually be harder for me to swallow than the colour-restriction thing. My single pair of runners are only for garden chores and serious walking; they’re pretty ratty. All my other shoes have heels and/or straps of some sort, even my beach sandals. I do have a pair of water shoes somewhere..." the poster who brought it up had explained later on "Yes, the ceremony is outdoors on a lawn at a Country Club. Inside if it rains. I’m really don’t know their reasoning behind the request other than they’re both a bit quirky and they want guests to be comfortable."

You simply cannot win with weddings even when people say it's hard to plan a wedding every detail is being scrutinized by discerning guests in such a broad way instead of saving high scrutiny for the few instances of way "over the top how in the world did the wedding couple think this would go" ones.

 

[Lilsia]

You earlier mentioned grandma. If someone told my MIL she couldn’t wear purple….she would still have to wear purple. She’s 85, she doesn’t shop, she only owns purple.

Yes, this is what I was thinking of. I know many older people, my late grandma included, that they had their one or two outfits that they wore and were not mentally or physically in the state to go and try on and buy anything new. It is also a comfort for them because it is familiar. Later in life when my grandma started to get dementia, she stressed out if we bought her a new shirt because it was not familiar to her and she thought that it belonged to someone else and would not put it on.

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

At some point I think there are some people who can never be pleased no matter what you do. They just like to complain I suppose. We had no control over the weather but as I said in a previous post did everything within our power to make guests comfortable and understood completely if some couldn't attend last minute. July wouldn't have been my first or even second choice, but my one sister in law in the wedding party is a special education teacher out of state and really couldn't take off during the school year so summer it was. She didn't demand it, we just made the accommodation knowing her circumstance. Because it mattered to us that she could be there.

My other sister in law literally complained multiple times AFTER the wedding that we had too much food and overbought on the "paper goods" for lack of a better term. We didn't care, we just didn't want to run out of anything and never asked her thoughts on the topic. Mind you, she had nothing to do with the budget or paying for the wedding or set up or anything like that. She was literally just a guest. She was not so mouthy about it when we gave her all the leftover plates, napkins, cups and silverware for her daughter's graduation party the following summer since the party theme color was rose gold.

If I thought an invitation had too many requirements then I would decline. Because I'm not taking my negative energy there. It's an invitation, not a summons. But I do think there are some people in this thread who are looking for any possible way to be offended and annoyed. Weddings should be a celebration. If you can't or don't want to go in that spirit then you should probably stay home (which I would if I thought there were too many demands).

 

[disneyseniors]

I guess I'm 0ld fashioned, but at my wedding the guests could just wear what they wanted. I Never thought of dictating what they should or should not wear. I was just glad that my friends and family showed up to help celebrate.
I think too much thought is now about how they look in videos or online, which IMO is a shame.

 

[JLTraveling]

It's an invitation, not a summons.

This is the most sensible thing that's been said in this entire thread. For everyone anywhere who gets an invitation to anything ever: Go. Don't go. Send a gift. Don't send a gift. Let the wedding couple (or birthday boy, or whatever) do what they want. If it will bring you joy to be there, despite the "rules," then go and enjoy (and follow the rules). If you're just going to snark and complain and talk about Bridezillas and be miserable, stay home. It doesn't have to be any more complicated than that.

 

[Uncle Coaster]

Reading through this thread, with reactions from what I would assume is a reasonably broad cross-section of society, my conclusion is that if a bride decides to make this nitpicky type of request, while some guests will be OK with it, quite a few will not. Is it really worth being remembered by family and friends as “you know, the Bridezilla who made me buy a differently-colored dress” in order to get what you think are slightly more aesthetically pleasing photos on Instagram, or to avoid the utterly horrifying situation of someone momentarily thinking that a guest who is not part of the bridal party is actually part of the bridal party? Be that Bridezilla if you want, but just bear in mind that lots of people will resent it and will be talking about you for years afterward.

It works both ways. Someone could also be remembered as the person who refused to go to a wedding of a loved one because they weren't allowed to wear red.

 

[HopperFan]

I wonder how many people would deduct the cost of a new outfit from the gift amount.

I’ve never done that but back in my stricter budget days, I think I gave a smaller cash gift a time or two due to the travel, hotel, expenses involved in attending a wedding. I could decline and give a larger gift or attend and give a smaller gift because of the expenses of attendance.

I think this might be more common than folks admit. I look at it that you are invited to be part of the celebration of marriage. I would hope they are inviting to to be there because they want you there, not because they expect an expensive gift. Traveling to weddings can be very expensive and some might have to give a smaller gift to afford to go. Sometimes it's not even just travel, you might need care for children, you might have "dress expectations" and honestly some involve taking off work. And I'll add sometimes economic losses happen when there is a wedding summons with a month notice ...

The wedding celebration IS all about the bride and groom. Why would any feel it should revolve around their preferences?

Well yes the ceremony and union is all about the bride and groom. The celebration part involves being surrounded by the people you feel are important and care about. The bride and groom who make decisions that put work/expenses on a guest or perhaps exclude them entirely have to own their choices. AND that is okay! Just don't complain if it changes the outcome.

One must be wealthy to afford certain colors or dress casual clothing? Just changing a top for a skirt or pants can “dress up” an outfit. Shoes can also elevate one’s attire too. You can find nice clothing in thrift stores or resale sites. They don’t need to be expensive.

That doesn't work for a COCKTAIL (OP) or Black Tie dress code.

Even low cost Tuxedos are not cheap. Even cocktail dresses on clearance are not cheap, and if they are on clearance they are often not the right size. Most folks get an invite 4-6 weeks out and that isn't much time for many to find something they can afford, especially if they have travel expenses and a gift.

*I have NO ISSUE with dress codes at weddings as long as it fits the venue situation.

And we still don't know WHY they've asked others to avoid the colors. In my opinion, as a request, this one really isn't bad.

I agree not a bad request, I think the bigger question as I stated before is SUMMER COCKTAIL BACKYARD - I need to know where is this located, what is the setup, will there be A/C in a tent etc. Before I go out and buy a cocktail dress that can be reasonably dry cleaned for ONE night, I need to know I won't be miserable.

Technically, one shouldn't have to put "no kids" on an invitation. The invitation is addressed only to the people who are invited. Kids' names not there? They're not invited.

Sadly Miss Manners left the room long ago. Folks don't seem to understand that. I was upset when DD wanted to do online RSVP vs a card. She said online reinforces who is invited and restricts how many you can RSVP. It will be their 2nd reminder that kids are not invited.

It's an invitation, not a summons.

Actually based on many reports across social media (and personal experience) there are folks who do consider them summons. There will be those who will have a fit if someone doesn't follow the rules or doesn't come at all. Just like there are some who think their kids are required to be invited, their cousins should be invited, etc. Again personal experience.

I guess I'm 0ld fashioned, but at my wedding the guests could just wear what they wanted. I Never thought of dictating what they should or should not wear. I was just glad that my friends and family showed up to help celebrate.
I think too much thought is now about how they look in videos or online, which IMO is a shame.

I don't think it's always a video photo instagram thing. DD wanted a lovely adult evening, a treat for some (and it was appreciated) and a beautiful memory. She wanted folks dressed up. There was no video, she didn't post a bunch of photos. She wanted her special day to feel special, not just another gathering.

All she said was semi-formal. Most came dressed up. A few were business casual. And one cowboy.


I do think OP situation might be just so guests don't look like wedding party. DD selected a company that offers lots of styles in same fabric/color. She told her girls whatever they were comfortable in style wise and choose a price point (it varied but not too much). She told them whatever shoes they wanted was fine. Didn't want her girls to spend too much. One girl was short so she chose tea length, rest long. What was funny is there were a few guests in the same exact color and even I did a double take since their dresses weren't all the same. Maybe she wants to avoid that.

 

[luv2cheer92]

Nope, don't see a problem with the request. Not even a little bit.

 

[TLSnell1981]

I think this might be more common than folks admit. I look at it that you are invited to be part of the celebration of marriage. I would hope they are inviting to to be there because they want you there, not because they expect an expensive gift. Traveling to weddings can be very expensive and some might have to give a smaller gift to afford to go. Sometimes it's not even just travel, you might need care for children, you might have "dress expectations" and honestly some involve taking off work. And I'll add sometimes economic losses happen when there is a wedding summons with a month notice ...




Well yes the ceremony and union is all about the bride and groom. The celebration part involves being surrounded by the people you feel are important and care about. The bride and groom who make decisions that put work/expenses on a guest or perhaps exclude them entirely have to own their choices. AND that is okay! Just don't complain if it changes the outcome.


That doesn't work for a COCKTAIL (OP) or Black Tie dress code.

Even low cost Tuxedos are not cheap. Even cocktail dresses on clearance are not cheap, and if they are on clearance they are often not the right size. Most folks get an invite 4-6 weeks out and that isn't much time for many to find something they can afford, especially if they have travel expenses and a gift.

*I have NO ISSUE with dress codes at weddings as long as it fits the venue situation.


If she only wears purple then anyone who invites her anywhere knows what she is wearing.


I agree not a bad request, I think the bigger question as I stated before is SUMMER COCKTAIL BACKYARD - I need to know where is this located, what is the setup, will there be A/C in a tent etc. Before I go out and buy a cocktail dress that can be reasonably dry cleaned for ONE night, I need to know I won't be miserable.



Sadly Miss Manners left the room long ago. Folks don't seem to understand that. I was upset when DD wanted to do online RSVP vs a card. She said online reinforces who is invited and restricts how many you can RSVP. It will be their 2nd reminder that kids are not invited.



Actually based on many reports across social media (and personal experience) there are folks who do consider them summons. There will be those who will have a fit if someone doesn't follow the rules or doesn't come at all. Just like there are some who think their kids are required to be invited, their cousins should be invited, etc. Again personal experience.



I don't think it's always a video photo instagram thing. DD wanted a lovely adult evening, a treat for some (and it was appreciated) and a beautiful memory. She wanted folks dressed up. There was no video, she didn't post a bunch of photos. She wanted her special day to feel special, not just another gathering.

All she said was semi-formal. Most came dressed up. A few were business casual. And one cowboy.


I do think OP situation might be just so guests don't look like wedding party. DD selected a company that offers lots of styles in same fabric/color. She told her girls whatever they were comfortable in style wise and choose a price point (it varied but not too much). She told them whatever shoes they wanted was fine. Didn't want her girls to spend too much. One girl was short so she chose tea length, rest long. What was funny is there were a few guests in the same exact color and even I did a double take since their dresses weren't all the same. Maybe she wants to avoid that.

I think this might be more common than folks admit. I look at it that you are invited to be part of the celebration of marriage. I would hope they are inviting to to be there because they want you there, not because they expect an expensive gift. Traveling to weddings can be very expensive and some might have to give a smaller gift to afford to go. Sometimes it's not even just travel, you might need care for children, you might have "dress expectations" and honestly some involve taking off work. And I'll add sometimes economic losses happen when there is a wedding summons with a month notice ...




Well yes the ceremony and union is all about the bride and groom. The celebration part involves being surrounded by the people you feel are important and care about. The bride and groom who make decisions that put work/expenses on a guest or perhaps exclude them entirely have to own their choices. AND that is okay! Just don't complain if it changes the outcome.


That doesn't work for a COCKTAIL (OP) or Black Tie dress code.

Even low cost Tuxedos are not cheap. Even cocktail dresses on clearance are not cheap, and if they are on clearance they are often not the right size. Most folks get an invite 4-6 weeks out and that isn't much time for many to find something they can afford, especially if they have travel expenses and a gift.

*I have NO ISSUE with dress codes at weddings as long as it fits the venue situation.


If she only wears purple then anyone who invites her anywhere knows what she is wearing.


I agree not a bad request, I think the bigger question as I stated before is SUMMER COCKTAIL BACKYARD - I need to know where is this located, what is the setup, will there be A/C in a tent etc. Before I go out and buy a cocktail dress that can be reasonably dry cleaned for ONE night, I need to know I won't be miserable.



Sadly Miss Manners left the room long ago. Folks don't seem to understand that. I was upset when DD wanted to do online RSVP vs a card. She said online reinforces who is invited and restricts how many you can RSVP. It will be their 2nd reminder that kids are not invited.



Actually based on many reports across social media (and personal experience) there are folks who do consider them summons. There will be those who will have a fit if someone doesn't follow the rules or doesn't come at all. Just like there are some who think their kids are required to be invited, their cousins should be invited, etc. Again personal experience.



I don't think it's always a video photo instagram thing. DD wanted a lovely adult evening, a treat for some (and it was appreciated) and a beautiful memory. She wanted folks dressed up. There was no video, she didn't post a bunch of photos. She wanted her special day to feel special, not just another gathering.

All she said was semi-formal. Most came dressed up. A few were business casual. And one cowboy.


I do think OP situation might be just so guests don't look like wedding party. DD selected a company that offers lots of styles in same fabric/color. She told her girls whatever they were comfortable in style wise and choose a price point (it varied but not too much). She told them whatever shoes they wanted was fine. Didn't want her girls to spend too much. One girl was short so she chose tea length, rest long. What was funny is there were a few guests in the same exact color and even I did a double take since their dresses weren't all the same. Maybe she wants to avoid that.

I started a new paragraph but didn't specify. I was speaking to the original "cocktail" attire with my comment.

 

[mefordis]

I wanted my guests to have a great time and to be comfortable. This means wearing whatever color they want. Just please don't wear a wedding dress is all.

 

[Babs Johnson]

That's a bit much I would think makes me think there's a way he interacts with the public too. Kinda reminds me of my father although I don't think even his stingy self would actually in the moment deduct money from a gift like you describe. Although at a wedding aren't the envelopes and gifts away from the guests? Like at a table?

We had envelopes put inside a bird cage type thing (that is now a decor item on our mantle). It would have looked very weird if someone was reaching in to remove an envelope.

My FIL was a bit much about many other things too.

He’d didn’t give the gift envelope until leaving the reception, either handing it to the groom or putting it in the box.

I saw him at his table adding or subtracting money from the envelope before giving it away.

 

[kathyk2]

My FIL was a bit much about many other things too.

He’d didn’t give the gift envelope until leaving the reception, either handing it to the groom or putting it in the box.

I saw him at his table adding or subtracting money from the envelope before giving it away.

That's worse than any request the bridal couple might make. How would he like it if someone did that with a gift for him?

 

[Kestryl]

I know there’s the trope for bridezillas, but I honestly think guests’ judgement and entitlement have gotten out of control. Invite my kids or pay for childcare! Alcohol better be included- and not just beer and wine, but liquor! how dare they not serve steak! Zero gap between the ceremony and reception, it’s inconvenient to wait an hour! The ceremony needs to be in an indoor, perfectly temperature controlled space- and no churches, that’s offensive! (Or the flip, how dare the wedding be outside a church, it doesn’t count!)

I don’t care any more. Invite me, don’t invite me. I’ll go or not depending on a variety of factors, just let me know what restrictions there are so I know what I’m getting into.

 

[kathyk2]

I know there’s the trope for bridezillas, but I honestly think guests’ judgement and entitlement have gotten out of control. Invite my kids or pay for childcare! Alcohol better be included- and not just beer and wine, but liquor! how dare they not serve steak! Zero gap between the ceremony and reception, it’s inconvenient to wait an hour! The ceremony needs to be in an indoor, perfectly temperature controlled space- and no churches, that’s offensive! (Or the flip, how dare the wedding be outside a church, it doesn’t count!)

I don’t care any more. Invite me, don’t invite me. I’ll go or not depending on a variety of factors, just let me know what restrictions there are so I know what I’m getting into.

ITA I wonder what the reaction of the couple would be if they knew details of their invitation were be discussed on a message board? I would be livid if someone did that without talking to me first.

 

[nw6675]

ITA I wonder what the reaction of the couple would be if they knew details of their invitation were be discussed on a message board? I would be livid if someone did that without talking to me first.

At least it isn’t a Www.reddit.com AITA post

 

[GoingSince1990]

ITA I wonder what the reaction of the couple would be if they knew details of their invitation were be discussed on a message board? I would be livid if someone did that without talking to me first.

One Bridezilla’s reaction (who imposed a strict dress code where there were different rules for women weighing less than, or more than, 160 lbs) was to buy a polygraph machine and host a “polygraph party” to identify the guest who complained about the dress code on Reddit.

https://www.reddit.com/r/bridezillas/comments/a5eqlt

 

[sam_gordon]

One Bridezilla’s reaction (who imposed a strict dress code where there were different rules for women weighing less than, or more than, 160 lbs) was to buy a polygraph machine and host a “polygraph party” to identify the guest who complained about the dress code on Reddit.

https://www.reddit.com/r/bridezillas/comments/a5eqlt

I'm wondering if that post is real. It was brought up earlier on page 6...

If the request is easy enough to accommodate I don't have a problem with it. The more restrictive the more I'd chafe at it.

Don't be like this lunatic, though:
Bride Asks Guests To Dress Based On Their Weight

 

[sk!mom]

No idea how this quote was credited to me but my mil has been gone for decades and had no special love for purple that I’m aware of. As I actually said up thread, I’m in the “whatever man” category. Your wedding, your rules, I’ll come or not.