$$$ Wedding gift - what dollar amount?

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

I live in St. Louis and my family's custom is that you NEVER give cash...always a gift from the registry (usually china, silver or crystal)...and you NEVER take it with you to the reception...it's always sent to the couple (usually a few weeks before the wedding).

I have attended other weddings around the country (and here too) that are vastly different (everything from a punch and cake thing to a full sit-down 7 course meal at an exclusive restaurant). I can honestly say that I've given cash exactly one time and that was because it was someone I didn't know well (it was DH's co-op student) and they hadn't registered anywhere!

In my family (and I'm sure in many others) being invited to a wedding is a honor. Attending is one way of honoring the bride and groom and giving a gift (no matter the size) is a way of celebrating the occasion with them.

The norms for gifts vary widely across cultural and religious lines and from region to region. My theory is do what is comfortable for you!

 

[NYPDwife]

It depends on the situation, the person who is getting married and honestly, whether I had to travel to get there. First, I always politely turn down wedding invites to those that I don't consider a close friend. In those cases, I usually just give a card and sometimes $50. When I attend a wedding, my personal rule is generally a combination of what we can afford combined with what is estimated per plate cost to couple. Anyway, we usually give about $250.

My only exception is when my younger brother got married. I knew a year in advance so I squirrelled away as much extra $$ as possible over that year. I was the best man so I paid for his bachelor party. His friends were all in grad school or had pretty low paying jobs for the most part. They're all a bunch of great guys so I didn't want them to sweat the cost and also wanted to make sure my brother had a blast. But dang those boys can DRINK! LOL!

As for a gift, I think we gave him and his wife $750. He's the only one I'd do that for.

I did attend one destination wedding and we didn't give anything but a card to the bride/groom. She was an old college friend and made it absolutely clear to us and all our other friends that they did not want a single solitary thing for a wedding gift. She just wanted us to attend. So we did. It was awesome. We all went on a four night cruise with her and her new husband.

I thought it was really really classy of her to make sure we all didn't give her any gifts. She knew how much it was going to cost us in terms of the flight and cruise and our presence meant a great deal to her.

ETA: Another friend that got married at a resort in Puerto Rico did something I thought was very cool, absolutely hilarious and was very clear that they didn't want any gifts. They registered and the only thing in their registry was 1.) a Lamborghini or 2.) the RSVP that you'd attend. Sadly, I couldn't go due to work but Joe did. To this day, she still tells me that she's waiting for her Lamborghini.

A very close friend of mine lives in ATL so she asked me to be a part of her wedding. I gladly accepted, and she was very gracious about the no gift part. DH and I told her and her husband that the next time they come to NYC, they're welcome to stay with us.

 

[RickinNYC]

A very close friend of mine lives in ATL so she asked me to be a part of her wedding. I gladly accepted, and she was very gracious about the no gift part. DH and I told her and her husband that the next time they come to NYC, they're welcome to stay with us.

Coo!

I honestly and truly think that if you have to pay airfare and stay at a hotel just to attend a wedding, you shouldn't be expected to provide a gift. Heck, with those combined, you likely paid about $500-750 alone for that. Sounds hokey, but the "gift" is your attendance.

I know I'm in the minority in that thinking, however.

 

[Par8hed]

I just want to try and clear up what seems to be a misconception here about the whole "cover the plate" thing.

In this area, it is not that the bride/groom/people giving the wedding expect the guests to "cover the plate". Not at all. The bride/groom are NOT having a lavish wedding in an attempt to make a bundle of money.

The whole "cover the plate" issue is one that the GUESTS initiate.
No one tells us what the meal costs. No one expects anything of us.

It is us, as guests, who are aware that the tab for the reception is likely around $40,000 and we take it upon OURSELVES to help the family to recoup their layout and hopefully give the bride and groom a small something leftover to get started with.

 

[NYPDwife]

I just want to try and clear up what seems to be a misconception here about the whole "cover the plate" thing.

In this area, it is not that the bride/groom/people giving the wedding expect the guests to "cover the plate". Not at all. The bride/groom are NOT having a lavish wedding in an attempt to make a bundle of money.

The whole "cover the plate" issue is one that the GUESTS initiate.
No one tells us what the meal costs. No one expects anything of us.

It is us, as guests, who are aware that the tab for the reception is likely around $40,000 and we take it upon OURSELVES to help the family to recoup their layout and hopefully give the bride and groom a small something leftover to get started with.

 

[Youarehere]

I´m not in the US, but around here I would normally give around $150, if it were my siblings or closets friends it might be $300. We don´t have the "cover your plate" issues here.

Where do you live? My closet friends aren't allowed to get married.

We just attended a wedding in CT and gave $250.00.

 

[Luv2Scrap]

Wow, this has been a huge eye opener for me! I live in northern MN and weddings would never cost that much and people would never give a gift of that much either!

I was just the maid of honor in my friend's wedding and bridezilla doesn't even begin to describe the story there. This is a girl who makes a LOT of money for our economically challenged area, and she bent over backwards on a daily basis to be as cheap as she possibly could with her wedding. Now I had a very inexpensive wedding, and so did my cousin. But we were able to do it without it LOOKING CHEAP. this wedding just looked and felt cheap and tacky from beginning to end!

If I "covered the plate" I would be out about $6.45. And it wasn't even a very good plate!

I would say the norm here is $25-$30 for someone you're not very close to, and about $50 -$75 for a closer relative. Like I said, we live in a very economically challenged area.

 

[troobabiee7]

Where do you live? That's crazy cheap and I agree that wouldn't even buy hoagies and a beer around here.

This place is crazy expensive but it comes with a "magic" floor so the couple can come up in the middle up the dance floor! LOL
http://www.russosonthebay.com/social/index.htm
anyone ever been to russo's? Now that's a wedding!

It's so funny that you mentioned Russo's! Are you from the NY-area? Sorry if you mentioned it already. A friend of mine had her SWEET 16 at Russo's a few years ago It's a gorgeous place but come on now, THAT'S insane!

Weddings around here are very, very expensive. We usually give around $250-$300 for friends and distant relatives if only two of us are going, but we give around $100 a person if we go as a family of 4. It's a lot more than that for close family. It can definitely get a little crazy

 

[Freyja]

Where do you live? My closet friends aren't allowed to get married.

We just attended a wedding in CT and gave $250.00.

I live in Iceland Here, all of my friends are allowed to get married. Even those still in the closet

 

[Reflection]

I agree with the previous posters who have said one should give what one can afford. Here's what Smart Money has to say on the 'cover the plate' subject:

3. Should the amount I give depend on the price per dinner plate or how posh the venue is?

Quite simply, no. "Never think about it in those terms," says Martha Woodham, author of "The Bride Did What?! Etiquette for the Wedding Impaired." Instead, think about it this way: You're not expected to pay for your meal at a friend's dinner party, so why should you be expected to pay for a night of dinner and dancing at a wedding? A gift is separate from the party itself and should not be considered "the admission price to the wedding," says Woodham.

Here's the link to the full article:

http://www.smartmoney.com/deal-of-the-day/index.cfm?story=20080612-wedding-gift-etiquette

 

[jamimb]

Wow, this is really interesting. Soooo, because "bridezilla" decides to have an extravagant reception, all her friends and family should give huge amounts to "cover their plates"? And if she decides to have a small receptions with punch and cake they (the bride and groom) only "deserve" a $15 or less gift, since it probably wouldn´t cost more to "cover your plate".

What if you can´t afford $300. Do you then simply not go?

I would have hated if people wouldn´t have come to our wedding (we had a very lavish reception but at that time we and all of our friends were poor students) because they couldn´t afford to pay for the expensive meal I chose to INVITE them to.

I guess I really just don´t get it. I can´t see why it´s that much different than inviting someone over for dinner. While I certainly appreciate a hostess gift from my guests, I definately don´t expect one, and would never expect it to be equivalent to the cost of the meal I provide.

I also have a question for those who say: "You give what you can afford". Does that mean that people who have $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ should give $500, $1000 or what???

I cannot imagine inviting someone to a party and then expecting them to pay for it. I also would be heartbroken if someone I cared for would not come out to celebrate my big day beacuse they could'nt afford it.!!!!!!! The whole "cover your plate" thing, while excepted in many parts of the country, seems rude to me!!!! Maybe I should charge a cover charge for my daughter's next b/day party to cover the cost.
Not meaning to flame just my opinion.

 

[java]

It's so funny that you mentioned Russo's! Are you from the NY-area? Sorry if you mentioned it already. A friend of mine had her SWEET 16 at Russo's a few years ago It's a gorgeous place but come on now, THAT'S insane!

From NY but have lived in NJ for the last 8 years. And I have had the pleasure of attending several at Russo's- They always crack me up- the waiters doing the dance around the couple while they hold sparklers! Only in NY! I really do love it though. They know how to throw a crazy party there!

 

[Par8hed]

I cannot imagine inviting someone to a party and then expecting them to pay for it. I also would be heartbroken if someone I cared for would not come out to celebrate my big day beacuse they could'nt afford it.!!!!!!! The whole "cover your plate" thing, while excepted in many parts of the country, seems rude to me!!!! Maybe I should charge a cover charge for my daughter's next b/day party to cover the cost.
Not meaning to flame just my opinion.

Please see Post #84.

 

[jamimb]

Where did any bride say they expected people to cover the cost of their wedding?

In our area - as a general rule of thumb only - people try to give enough to cover what the people are spending to feed them. These are things teh GUESTS used as one of the guidelines when they decide what to give. Other factors are of course what they can afford and what their relationship is to the bride or groom.

If the guests are in fact paying for the cost of their food shouldn't they also get some imput on how much that food costs a bride may choose the most exspensive thing on the menu and think "oh well at least I'm not paying for it".

 

[minniecarousel]

I still think it's sad that anyone would turn down an invitation to a wedding simply because they were unable to give a large enough gift. (I understand this concept isn't to be blamed on the bride & groom). It's just the whole mind-set that I find appalling.

 

[mjkacmom]

I thought 50$ was still the normal around here?? I just gave my friend that this weekend.. of course she also got a shower present of 100$ I didn't attend the wedding... I know she was paying 30$ a head at a country club. I have no clue what it included dancing at this point is out of the question

Maybe PA, but certainly not NJ - I started attending weddings in my early 20's, and the norm back then was $100 per person.

 

[dlrhine]

I live in Central Pa and have never heard of paying for your plate before

Typically, we pay $50 for a friend and $100 for family. I can not even fathom paying $300!

With that said, most weddings around here are held in the firehall or legion. Once I went to one at the Hilton, but that is the fanciest we get down here.

My wedding cost a grand total of $1500- and that was everything! I had 375 people invited also. I didn't get a single cash gift over $100- and that was from my parents!!

I agree, we are from Central PA also (Harrisburg) and we don't do the cover your plate. I had a big fancy hotel reception in down town Harrisburg at the Crown Plaza and I didn't expect anyone one of my guest to pay in a wedding present what I paid for them to be there. I think it is rude to expect to make up the cost of your wedding reception in present money. I was happy that they could share the day with me, I was actually paying my guest for their time to spend it with us. I wouldn't have been upset if I had not gotten any presents, I just wanted the people to be there and be happy for us. I had 125 at my wedding and the most I got for a wedding present was $50.00 and that was from a couple, and remember my wedding reception was at the crown plaza.

 

[mjkacmom]

I just want to try and clear up what seems to be a misconception here about the whole "cover the plate" thing.

In this area, it is not that the bride/groom/people giving the wedding expect the guests to "cover the plate". Not at all. The bride/groom are NOT having a lavish wedding in an attempt to make a bundle of money.

The whole "cover the plate" issue is one that the GUESTS initiate.
No one tells us what the meal costs. No one expects anything of us.

It is us, as guests, who are aware that the tab for the reception is likely around $40,000 and we take it upon OURSELVES to help the family to recoup their layout and hopefully give the bride and groom a small something leftover to get started with.

If you are invited to a birthday party, you expect to give a gift, right? That's because it's custom. The person isn't having a party for the gifts, they're having it to celebrate, but they do receive gifts, because it's the custom.

Here, if I'm going to a wedding, I expect to give about $250 (average, depending upon the closeness). It's not the bride trying to made money, it's just the custom of covering your plate. For some reason, it seems to anger people who don't even live here. Keep your punch and your mints, keep your customs, and we'll continue to keep ours, even with your disapproval!

 

[Par8hed]

OK I'm beating a dead horse here so this is my last attempt.

NOBODY expects their guests to cover the cost of their meal.

This is something the guests choose to do on their own volition.

 

[mjkacmom]

Wow, this is really interesting. Soooo, because "bridezilla" decides to have an extravagant reception, all her friends and family should give huge amounts to "cover their plates"? And if she decides to have a small receptions with punch and cake they (the bride and groom) only "deserve" a $15 or less gift, since it probably wouldn´t cost more to "cover your plate".

There are no wedding here, that I've ever heard of, with punch and cake. What you consider extravagant is probably an average wedding here. And it's not about what the couple expects to receive, it's what a guest feels the need to do, because that's just how weddings are done here, for decades and decades. Plus, keep in mind that $250 does not equal $250 in other areas. Heck, the average home costs $500,000!