$$$ Wedding gift - what dollar amount?

[Camicar]

I am from NY and I definitely use the plate fee as a guide to figuring out how much to give to the average couple. Now if the couple are close friends or family members, then the gift goes up in value. Friends get a gift from the registry but family gets money.

BUT if I had to spend $1500-1800 to go to the wedding, then my presence is your gift, along with a nice card.

 

[Anne34]

It might be different around here, but in my little town in rural Iowa, the average is around $25! There is no "paying for your plate" idea. I've always thought that wedding receptions were like parties for your favorite friends and family to share in the joy of your marriage. Sure, you expect gifts (which is mainly what you receive from you gift registry) but not to get rich of the whole thing! And here, the majority of the time the bride's parents still pay for the wedding and reception, the groom's for the rehearsal dinner, so it's not like the people who are actually "paying for the plate" are being reimbursed anyway! I would hate for some of my best friends not to feel like they could come to my wedding because they couldn't afford to "pay for their plate".

That is how it is where I grew up in Wisconsin. We had a reception at a hotel ballroom with a band, etc and most people brought gifts or an envelope with a small amount. Here in the Chicago area is a whole 'nother ball game.

We give different amounts based on what wedding/communion/etc we are going to and in which state. It is all very regional on what people give.

 

[barkley]

Wow, this is really interesting. Soooo, because "bridezilla" decides to have an extravagant reception, all her friends and family should give huge amounts to "cover their plates"? And if she decides to have a small receptions with punch and cake they (the bride and groom) only "deserve" a $15 or less gift, since it probably wouldn´t cost more to "cover your plate".

There are no wedding here, that I've ever heard of, with punch and cake. What you consider extravagant is probably an average wedding here. And it's not about what the couple expects to receive, it's what a guest feels the need to do, because that's just how weddings are done here, for decades and decades. Plus, keep in mind that $250 does not equal $250 in other areas. Heck, the average home costs $500,000!

i doubt housing values or income plays a large part in it. i suspect it's simply an accepted practice in certain regions that some embrace and choose to do-while others go along because they perceive it as expected of them.

the area we moved from in northern california was far from plush and starter homes were bare minimum 500,000 (nothing fancy and often over 30 years old and in need of major repairs)-heck, in napa where i grew up the current low income home ownership program defines low income housing as ones that sell for as much $532,000-and those can be total pits.

weddings run the gamut from cake and punch affairs to entire wineries and high end b&b's being closed to the public (one popular venue specializes in re-landscaping their floral garden weekly to match that weekend's wedding colors, others require a minimum of a 4 day rental periods preceding the wedding so that delivery and catering trucks can be timed such to least disturb adjacent property owners). the venues alone (no chairs, no tables-nothing, just the ability to hold the ceremony for a few hours at a particular site) can run $6000-$15,000, so a cake and punch wedding can start around $30,000. despite all these expenses it would come as a shock to anyone who lives in the region to contemplate ever basing their wedding gift on the per person cost of hosting these events.

 

[jamimb]

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I wish I could believe that (not speaking about you in particular), but if it were true, why do we see a thread like this pop up at least once a month where someone is basically asking, "What is the going rate for a wedding gift in XXXXX"?? And then people respond in such a manner that the OP feels if they do NOT give that amount they have no business attending the wedding??

As I said initially - whatever you can afford - regardless of where the wedding is - or what the "going rate" is..

This is what Im saying!!!!! If it was all coming from the goodness of their heart there would be no need for a thread such as this. Why do people give that large of an amount?? Because it's expected of them and they would look like a heel if they didn't! Several people on this very thread said they wouldn't go if they couldn't afford the going rate. That dosen't sound like a gift from the heart that sounds like "if I don't give what everyone else is giving I'll be the talk of the town". Who cares what everyone else is giving, I say give what you can afford and what you want. I would rather have $25 dollars from someone giving from the bottom of their heart than $300 because that's the going rate!!!!!!

 

[barkley]

This is what Im saying!!!!! If it was all coming from the goodness of their heart there would be no need for a thread such as this. Why do people give that large of an amount?? Because it's expected of them and they would look like a heel if they didn't! Several people on this very thread said they wouldn't go if they couldn't afford the going rate. That dosen't sound like a gift from the heart that sounds like "if I don't give what everyone else is giving I'll be the talk of the town". Who cares what everyone else is giving, I say give what you can afford and what you want. I would rather have $25 dollars from someone giving from the bottom of their heart than $300 because that's the going rate!!!!!!

i was simply thrilled that people attended-esp. those that were so kind as to travel from out of the area.

the item i treasure above all others from my wedding is a family photograph that includes our parents, all of our siblings, their spouses, and the neices and nephews. our wedding was the one and only time in the last 17 1/2 years that all of my husband's immediate family were gathered at one place-let alone with all of my immediate family

 

[Kirby]

It might be different around here, but in my little town in rural Iowa, the average is around $25! There is no "paying for your plate" idea. I've always thought that wedding receptions were like parties for your favorite friends and family to share in the joy of your marriage. Sure, you expect gifts (which is mainly what you receive from you gift registry) but not to get rich of the whole thing! And here, the majority of the time the bride's parents still pay for the wedding and reception, the groom's for the rehearsal dinner, so it's not like the people who are actually "paying for the plate" are being reimbursed anyway! I would hate for some of my best friends not to feel like they could come to my wedding because they couldn't afford to "pay for their plate".

I haven't read through this whole thread yet but this is the first comment I totally agree with besides the one that says you pay what you can afford.

It is us, as guests, who are aware that the tab for the reception is likely around $40,000 and we take it upon OURSELVES to help the family to recoup their layout and hopefully give the bride and groom a small something leftover to get started with.

If that is what you want to do, fine. But as far as I'm concerned, the bride and groom, the parents or whoever should have just had a less expensive wedding. If they are going to spend a lot on a wedding, I'm definately not going to give them a large monetary gift to help them out.

 

[Loverly]

I have turned down many a wedding (for friends, not family), because I could not afford to pay my plate.

I've been brought up with the notion that you at least pay for your plate, and if you can give more, then do so. But if I can't afford it, I politely decline and send a small gift (only if they live in the same state).

Sorry-that is crazy!!! Never, ever heard of this!!!
Do you investigate what each venue costs per person?

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

Really?? WOW what if you plain old can't afford it? Gosh I would hate to be in your circle of friends/family... When I invite people parties for celebrations I expect NOTHING. Nada. Zip. Not even a card...

Simple etiquette......

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

Nah - my memory is not that good. I have the wedding folder here in my desk It has my mother's handwriting all over it and anything I can find that reminds me of her or has her handwritinig on it I keep in a file so I can pull it out when I am missing her......

Ohhhh, that is very sweet, sorry for your loss.

 

[C.Ann]

Simple etiquette......

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Does it really say in an etiquette book that you have to "pay the going rate" or "cover the cost of your plate"? And that if you can't afford a gift, you should not attend the wedding of a friend or relative?

If so, that is a book that I would be tossing in the garbage..

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

As would the people in NY/NJ.

But NOT ONE of you outside the area can grasp the concept (even though it's been explained many times) that the hosts , bride, groom , whoever, expect NOTHING.
It is the GUESTS in the area who take it upon themselves to give a nice gift.

If I were to attend a backyard wedding serving peanut butter sandwiches with a boom box playing casettes I would still give several hundred dollars.

It has nothing to do with the extravagance of the wedding. In this area, you give generous wedding gifts so that the couple can start out on the right foot (monetarily).

Some will never be able to grasp this. The cover charge comments are over the top. The point is to help the couple start off...PERIOD!
The custom is actually something that is kind & considerate, "let the kids have a little next egg".

At my wedding I some checks that were $25 up to some that were $2,500. Did I care not one way or another.

I shouldn't worry though I don't see myself going to a wedding in the Poconos anytime soon.

 

[DaisyD]

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Does it really say in an etiquette book that you have to "pay the going rate" or "cover the cost of your plate"? And that if you can't afford a gift, you should not attend the wedding of a friend or relative?

If so, that is a book that I would be tossing in the garbage..

I think she was referring to at least sending a card if you can't attend. I always send something if I can't attend. I also never try to cover my plate. In all honestly I do things the opposite of some here. Let's say I have two equal friends. One has an expensive wedding that is just over the top as far as I'm concerned. The other friend has a simply backyard gathering because that's all she can afford. I'm more apt to give the second friend more money because she seems to need it more then the friend that spent a ridiculous amount on a wedding. I give what I want.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

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Does it really say in an etiquette book that you have to "pay the going rate" or "cover the cost of your plate"? And that if you can't afford a gift, you should not attend the wedding of a friend or relative?

If so, that is a book that I would be tossing in the garbage..

I hope you know to send a gift even if you cannot make the wedding.
Don't twist my words.

 

[HelenePA]

At my wedding I some checks that were $25 up to some that were $2,500. Did I care not one way or another.

Sure sounds like you cared... I bet you know who sent what to you dont you...

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

Sure sounds like you cared... I bet you know who sent what to you dont you...

You have an issue with every thread that even includes a money amount. I know, I know your happy in the Poconos.....blah, blah, blah.

Of course I know, I opened the cards with my husband. But thanks for your concern

 

[C.Ann]

I hope you know to send a gift even if you cannot make the wedding.
Don't twist my words.

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I wasn't trying to twist your words.. I thought that is how you meant it - and I apologize if I was wrong..

Yes - I know enough to send a card - and I also know my DD would have been heart broken if someone hadn't attended her wedding on the assumption that they weren't welcome if they didn't have a gift..

Take it as you will..

 

[HelenePA]

You have an issue with every thread that even includes a money amount. I know, I know your happy in the Poconos.....blah, blah, blah.

Of course I know, I opened the cards with my husband. But thanks for your concern

Uh no not really, I just hate when people EXPECT money and how much they EXPECT from people.... its a shame... your world seems to revolve around money/gifts and not the celebration itself.

So blah blah blah back to you I hear that enough from my KIDS... act your age

 

[C.Ann]

I think she was referring to at least sending a card if you can't attend. I always send something if I can't attend. I also never try to cover my plate. In all honestly I do things the opposite of some here. Let's say I have two equal friends. One has an expensive wedding that is just over the top as far as I'm concerned. The other friend has a simply backyard gathering because that's all she can afford. I'm more apt to give the second friend more money because she seems to need it more then the friend that spent a ridiculous amount on a wedding. I give what I want.

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That sounds logical to me.. I give what I want and/or can afford..

 

[Nennie]

Why do people who aren't from NJ/NY even care how we do weddings here, and what kinds of gifts we give???

Yes, our weddings can be over the top sometimes, and yes as guests we are very generous. Who cares??? I love NJ weddings, and love giving generous gifts.

Don't know why people from outside NJ/NY are so bitter about the way things are done here, especially b/c it doesn't affect them at all....

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

Uh no not really, I just hate when people EXPECT money and how much they EXPECT from people.... its a shame... your world seems to revolve around money/gifts and not the celebration itself.

So blah blah blah back to you I hear that enough from my KIDS... act your age

You don't know me. You know what they say about assumptions.
If finances mattered to me as far as my wedding then there would have been people that were not invited, but that wasn't the case.

We decided to throw a wonderful celebration of our union for the people we love and care for. Would I do it again? Yes!

I find it strange that every thread you must pass your negative comments on how an individual lives, thankfully I live a different lifestyle than you do.

You live there I choose to live here and never shall the 2 meet