Wedding Dilemma--Am I Wrong??--Big update on pg. 3

[Jynohn]

DH was deployed when his best friend since grade school got married the first time and always regretted the fact that he couldn’t be part of his wedding. Well the friend announced last week that he's getting remarried and asked DH to be his best man. DH gladly accepted and was very excited, especially when he found out the wedding was going to be in the Carribean! That is until his friend said to him, “do you think that Jynohn will let you get away for the week?” DH was confused and said, “well I assumed she would be coming with me…”

I guess the friend hemmed and hawed a bit and then said that he could only afford to fly a few people out for the wedding. DH then made it clear that he had assumed that we would be responsible for our own airfare and accommodations and that would never expect his friend to pay for it. Thinking that expense was the only issue, once DH made it clear we intended to pay for ourselves we thought that resolved the problem. Well DH went out with his friend yesterday and once again his friend asked if he would be able to “get away” for the week to go to the wedding without me.

DH asked his friend why I was not invited and the reply was, “we’re having a small wedding and are only having a very limited amount of people there.” I can understand his wanting to keep things small, but I am far from an “and guest” I am his best friend’s wife of 8 years! Not only that but this man is my daughter’s godfather! To say I’m hurt is an understatement. To DH’s credit he did tell his friend that he will not be going without his wife, but now I feel bad for DH missing out on this event.

Above all, I just can’t understand why I would be excluded like this. I have never heard of not inviting someone’s spouse to a wedding, especially when you are asking that person to be a member of your wedding party! On top of that, it’s not like I am a stranger to him, we’ve known each other for years, and though we’re not the best of friends, we’ve never had a single issue or confrontation that would lead me to believe that I would be unwelcome at his wedding.

On top of everything else, DH has just returned home from an 18 month deployment, and only has limited vacation time from work. If he is to go away for a week without me, that means that we won’t have any vacation together this summer since he’ll have already used up the remainder of his vacation time. DH has already said he won’t go, so it’s pretty much a non-issue anyway, but I can’t help feeling sorry for him. Especially since I know that will put a strain on his relationship with his friend. So am I over-reacting and should I encourage DH to go without me, or am I justified in being hurt and (I'll admit it) a little angry over this? Thanks in advance for your opinions!

Jynohn

 

[lecach]

I dont think you're wrong at all. If you were just dating that would be one thing. But you are married. That just sounds fishy to me - could there be any issues with the bride, like she doesnt like you? If he really wants to participate could you go with him to the carribean and just not attend the wedding?

 

[SC Minnie]

I would be a little annoyed too. You have offered (or expected) to pay the airfare and accomodations for both of you. I don't understand why you wouldn't be welcome. What if you went but did not attend the ceremony?

 

[missypie]

Wow. If you are paying for your own plane fare and hotel, I can't imagine that the "per person" food cost for you would break the bank. I suspect that one of two things is happening:

1. The groom wants the party (or pre-party) to get VERY WILD; or

2. There is a spouse-not you, but someone else's spouse-that the bride or groom really really doesn't want to invite, so they are "not inviting spouses" as way to avoid inviting that unwanted someone.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Does this man have any reason to dislike you??

 

[DawnCt1]

I have never heard of a wedding that excluded a member of the wedding party's spouse. In fact, I have never heard of a wedding that excluded a wedding guest's spouse. Your DH was absolutely correct in refusing to attend the wedding. Good for him. Perhaps his friend's lack of understanding of a wife's role in the lives of a husband might explain why he is getting remarried again.

 

[Beth76]

To DH’s credit he did tell his friend that he will not be going without his wife, but now I feel bad for DH missing out on this event.

Do you mean that this guy would rather not have your DH as his best man, than have you attend the wedding? That's crazy. If that's his attitude I wouldn't even be upset about missing the wedding. This guy is completely out of line for not "inviting" you to the wedding. That's just not done, you can't exclude spouses. I'm sorry that this guy's a jerk, but it doesn't sound like he's a very good friend. And no I don't think you should encourage DH to go without you.

 

[Maleficent13]

If he really wants to participate could you go with him to the carribean and just not attend the wedding?

This is what I was going to say. Maybe they're having an "intimate" wedding at a resort where the guest list is limited? Even so, in my opinion, they should have saved a spot for you. But regardless of their lack of manners, if you really want your hubby (who seems to be a good guy) to experience this, then take a vaca down there with him but don't attend the wedding.

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

I vote for your DH to attend the ceremony while you relax on the beach. Just because he doesn't want you to attend the ceremony doesn't mean you can't go to the Caribbean!!

 

[barkley]

i do not think you are overreacting at all. i can understand limiting guests at a wedding (esp. when expense is a consideration), but this situation is an appauling lack of manners on the groom's part. i personaly think it a bit much to even ask wedding party members to travel out of the country (and likely have to take a significant chunk of paid or unpaid vacation time) unless either the bride or groom is from that country and has family there.

this sounds to me like a groom who is planning a massive bachelor bash prior to the wedding and does not want any spouses around to discourage the fun.

does dh know anyone else in the wedding party? you could def. find out if the rudeness was a personal jab at you depending on what the status of other wedding party spouses/significant others attending is.

kudos to you husband for displaying the class his friend is so sorely lacking.

 

[ead79]

You have every right to feel the way you do. It is completely inappropriate to not invite someone's spouse to a wedding. Etiquette dictates that all spouses, fiancees, and live-in partners be included in wedding invitations. "And guest" invites are for people who are just dating, not spouses. This is so very rude of them. I just don't understand why they would be doing this.

 

[Kae]

Are you wrong? NO Way. Sometimes people do dumb things & DH's friend is doing that at this moment. Wish them well . Chances are DH can be the best man at the next wedding

Kae

 

[becjlek]

I agree, this sounds really odd.

 

[Beth76]

I vote for your DH to attend the ceremony while you relax on the beach. Just because he doesn't want you to attend the ceremony doesn't mean you can't go to the Caribbean!!

Yeah, but this may not be the OPs preferred vacation destination. There's a principle involved here: that you can't not-invite spouses. I don't care how "intimate" the wedding is. That's wrong. They should not attend.

 

[DawnCt1]

I vote for your DH to attend the ceremony while you relax on the beach. Just because he doesn't want you to attend the ceremony doesn't mean you can't go to the Caribbean!!

I vote for them both to go to the Caribbean and skip the ceremony altogether. The groom is a goon and doesn't deserve to have her DH as a best man or a guest.

 

[MrsNick]

I have never heard of a wedding that excluded a member of the wedding party's spouse. In fact, I have never heard of a wedding that excluded a wedding guest's spouse. Your DH was absolutely correct in refusing to attend the wedding. Good for him. Perhaps his friend's lack of understanding of a wife's role in the lives of a husband might explain why he is getting remarried again.

ITA
Your DH's friend clearly does not know the proper etiquette for this situation. I also don't agree with going with your husband to the Caribbean so that he can attend the ceremony without you. This is not about going to the Caribbean. It's about the protocol of inviting the guest to the ceremony, not the Caribbean.

 

[ahutton]

If he really wants to participate could you go with him to the carribean and just not attend the wedding?

I would probably be hurt, but this would be our effort at compromise. Enjoy a nice vacation, and if the friend wants to pay for DH and his hotel (assuming they don't think he's sharing a room) then you have a much reduced price for the trip. While the wedding is going on, enjoy a special tour or shopping adventure that your DH may not be excited to do with you. If there was still an issue with you going then I would assume something is up.

Keep in mind, some places (like our beloved WDW) can have very limited numbers on small weddings and going over that number means a significant jump in price. It may not be just a per person/food price. Things have changed some, but at one time at WDW if you had more than 8 people (bride and groom included) you went from at $3500 event to a $7500 minimum cost, and with parents (especially if you've got remarried ones) you were already in trouble, without any wedding party. So it wasn't a $100 per person food charge, it was a $4000 price increase for an extra person.

 

[ely3857]

I dont think you are wrong at all.

It isnt just the fact that there is no justifiable reason for the man excluding you he is also trying to eat into the limited time you have together as a family! I would personally be outraged

 

[Lady Belle]

2. There is a spouse-not you, but someone else's spouse-that the bride or groom really really doesn't want to invite, so they are "not inviting spouses" as way to avoid inviting that unwanted someone.

But if that's the case, the groom should have said "Well, the bride hates the spouse of so-and-so and that person's attendence would ruin the wedding, the only way around it is to say 'no spouses'. I'm so sorry about this and mean no disrespect to your wife, in fact we'll really miss her"

Keep in mind, some places (like our beloved WDW) can have very limited numbers on small weddings and going over that number means a significant jump in price. It may not be just a per person/food price. Things have changed some, but at one time at WDW if you had more than 8 people (bride and groom included) you went from at $3500 event to a $7500 minimum cost, and with parents (especially if you've got remarried ones) you were already in trouble, without any wedding party. So it wasn't a $100 per person food charge, it was a $4000 price increase for an extra person.

This makes a lot of sense, if the wedding budget is very limited and litteraly adding one more person is a HUGE cost increase, then I can see not inviting spouses. But again, the groom should have explained it "Look, I'd love to invite her but we are limited to X number of people, and it's either Grandma or or your wife!"

 

[Jynohn]

could there be any issues with the bride, like she doesnt like you? If he really wants to participate could you go with him to the carribean and just not attend the wedding?

I have only met the bride twice, and both times it was very briefly, so I don't think that's the case.

I like the suggestion that you and others have made about going to the Carribean anyway and just not attending the wedding, but I'm afraid that I'll then get a "pity invite." I kind of feel like I've already been slighted so I wouldn't want to go now anyway, but don't want to be put in the awkard position of having to decline either...