Wedding Dilemma--Am I Wrong??--Big update on pg. 3

[christinadei]

oops, double post

 

[christinadei]

First I want to say that you have a great husband! Second, you are totally right in being hurt and angry. I don't think you should encourage your DH to go, forget the friend. He sounds like a jerk. If he was planning on paying for your DH to fly there and now you offered to pay for both of you, your DH's airfare should more than cover the amount of food you'd eat at the reception. Something is fishy.

I wouldn't go and not attend the wedding either. I don't think he deserves to have your DH as his best man. And you'd be feeling left out on the beach alone while DH was in all of the wedding hoopla, rehersal dinner, bachelor party, wedding, reception. You'd be alone a lot of the time.

 

[Jynohn]

I'm starting to think now that this may have more to do with my husband's friend "having DH to himself" over the week. While we've never had any personal issues that would cause me to believe that his friend disliked me, I've sort of sensed a kind of rivalry in the past and this would just be the icing on the cake so to speak.

I think that the friend is kind of disappointed that now that DH is married with children, he can't be the "life of the party" that he used to be years ago. I've dealt with this kind of "me or her" thing with him before, most recently when he gave DH tickets to a hockey game on our daughter's birthday. DH has missed almost two years worth of birthdays and holidays and had no intention of missing DD's birthday again this year. I think the friend views it as a "your wife won't let you go" sort of thing rather than that my DH is choosing time with his family over time with his friends.

I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling like this was inappropriate on the friend's part, I was starting to think I was over reacting but I guess not. He didn't have much respect for his first marriage (ended up cheating with another friend's wife!!) so I can't say I'm surprised that he doesn't respect ours either...

 

[Beth76]

I'm starting to think now that this may have more to do with my husband's friend "having DH to himself" over the week.

Wow, if that's true I feel bad for his fiancee. Shouldn't he be wanting her to himself for that week?

 

[llij]

I haven't read all the posts yet, but you are definitely not over reacting. It was rude of your husband's friend to exclude you. Kudos to your DH for what he did. He sounds like a sweetie!

 

[barkley]

i vote you take the money you figured you could put out for both of you to go to the wedding, go to wdw with your dear daughter and send the happy couple a lovely "congratulations on your wedding" photo card of the three of you in front of the castle-ATTACHED TO A BOOK ON MANNERS

nah-that would be lowering yourself to their level-just send them the card, maybe an example of a happy, supportive marriage would do them well.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So am I over-reacting and should I encourage DH to go without me, or am I justified in being hurt and (I'll admit it) a little angry over this? Thanks in advance for your opinions!

Jynohn

DO NOT FEEL BAD!!! Your post gave me the chills!!! Hold your head high because you are married to a MAN!!! Do not question his judgement, he is doing the right thing.
Be proud of him and lots of extra hugs and kisses!

 

[Lesleyluvdisney]

NO WAY!! That is so not right!! I'm getting married in September and can only invite 100 guests because of the venue size, but when inviting someone we automatically class them as 2 guests as they will be bringing husband/wife/partner/friend.

You should speak up.

Good luck

Les
x

 

[scrump]

I agree, you've got a great husband!

Your DH's friend needs a refresher on relationships in general. To a certain extent, I've always thought that how my friends treat my DH reflects how they feel about me. It's nice when they ask about him, address him on holiday cards, and acknowledge him as a part of my life. I would really wonder what planet they were on, if they didn't invite my husband to their wedding. I can understand the wedding budget factor, but there are better ways to address that, than how it was done.

 

[pfishgirl]

No, you are NOT wrong at all.. Yes, I'd be upset, mad, and a little concerned..
Are you sure there is a wedding ?? Maybe this "friend" is trying to Lure your DH away without you just to party and DH is not taking the hint.. Can I also say I am very PROUD of your DH for telling his friend he won't go without you.. Not all men would do that.. As for paying, I agree if you are paying for all the expenses, I don't see how one more person at the dinner table would break the bank.. I did also think maybe there is an "issue" with another guest's wife so they excluted all wives so not to offend just that one.. however, I would think that all the guest's wives are now thinking like you are..

Is there a way to talk to the other guests and see what they were told? or even talk to the bride or groom about what the real reason is behind you not being invited??

 

[BeNJeNWaFFLe]

You are not over reacting. If the groom would rather be with a friend more than his bride, then there is obviously something wrong. If he was a true friend then he would understand why your husband has chosen family events over hockey games before. You should be proud of your husband for his choice.

I agree with barkley: take the money you would have spent on airfare and go do something fun with your husband and daughter.

 

[Jynohn]

I'm getting married in September and can only invite 100 guests because of the venue size, but when inviting someone we automatically class them as 2 guests as they will be bringing husband/wife/partner/friend.

I agree. When we got married I could only invite 150 guests to our wedding because of the size of the hall. This was an issue because I have a HUGE family--my dad is one of 16 kids! I had to exclude some of my own cousins and work friends, yet I made sure that this friend's first wife was included. I was not particularly close with her, but I would never have dreamt of not inviting her to our wedding!

 

[PaulaSue]

Your Dh sounds Great!
I think Dh and you are correct and not go without you.

 

[Jynohn]

I also wanted to thank everyone for the compliments to my husband for turning down the invitation. I know I'm pretty lucky to have such a great guy who puts family first, but it's always nice to be reminded once in a while!

 

[Lesleyluvdisney]

Jynohn,

I totally agree with you!! You should not feel bad in any way. Iempathise with every point you've made in all your posts, youve looked at it from all angles objectively. Don;t let this come between the little enough precious time you have together again as a family. He cant be much of a friend if hes asking your husband to choose.

Stay strong - sending you happy thoughts

Les
x

 

[grlpwrd]

Wow....the added posts you made speaks volumes. I don't think you're overreacting.

Yes, you have a good man.

 

[missypie]

I've been to Hawaii once and on the plane there was this group of OBNOXIOUS guys in tuxes. They drank too much and were very loud and by the time the flight was over, we ALL knew their story. Bride and groom and the whole wedding party were supposed to go to Honolulu for a couple of days; after that, bride and groom were supposed to leave the wedding party and go on their own to another island. Groom got mad and told bride he didn't want to leave the group and wanted to stay with his buddies for the whole honeymoon. The bride (WISELY) called off the wedding and the groom and his buddies went on the honeymoon anyway.

That's what your post is making me think of...an immature groom who wants to hang with the guys!

 

[Laura]

Oh, you are so in the right here--don't worry about it. And I agree your husband sounds like a stellar guy!

 

[ksjayhawks]

You and your dh have made your decision, now stick to it! There is no reason for you to feel bad or guilty about it. You have a great dh who made the decision that was best for him and his family, so don't second guess it.

The friend made an offer, it was refused, and he needs to be willing to accept that. I, too, wonder about his motive. Perhaps it is time for your dh to move on from this "friend" and to find someone who has views more compatible with his. Over time, people change and don't always move in the same directions or have the same values or place the same importance on things.

Even if the wedding number is limited, the friend should have taken this into consideration when he picked the spot. I would guess that there is more to this than you and dh are hearing.

Again, your decision is made. Forget about it and move on. Send a wedidng card with a nice note. Plan a fun vacation for your family that you will all enjoy.

 

[Jynohn]

I would guess that there is more to this than you and dh are hearing.

How right you are! Well I just talked with DH tonight and mentioned the perspective I've gotten from all of your posts here. Now the story has taken on an even more bizarre twist!

I told DH that there MUST be more to the story than what I was hearing and he finally admitted to me that there was. Apparently this "friend" booked the wedding at a couples only resort. Here's the problem. There's another (female) friend of his from college that he wanted to invite, but she doesn't have a date. So since his friend couldn't stay at the resort as a single, DH's "friend" decided that DH could be her date!!!! DH and this girl are expected to share a room It's supposed to be ok because the girl is gay. I don't care what she is, the point is that as his WIFE I am excluded from the wedding so he can act as some other woman's DATE!!! Not to mention that who wants to be roommates with someone (male or female) for an entire week that they don't even know???

I am shocked and beyond upset now. DH said he didn't want me to tell me because he knows how unacceptable it is and didn't want me to hate his friend. A little late for that now!

Anyway, thought you would all appreciate hearing this "little" update. And for what it's worth, neither one of us will be attending the wedding.