Watching DD get hurt by a friend?!?! LONG

[Tinkerbelle's Mom]

Okay my dd(8) is in third grade. She has one friend named X. X and her got together over the summer many times to play and have sleepovers -- fun was had by all.

Now X is being so mean to my dd. It started when X told dd she saw another friend, Y, at the swimming pool. X told my dd that Y was saying that my dd was mean. X told my dd that she (X) agreed with Y so she would play with her but she really did not mean it.

Then last week friend Z comes over to my dd and says that X told her (z) that my dd was really mean but not to say anything. Well Z is a pretty honest kid and wanted my dd to know what X was saying about her.

Z, being an honest kid, told X that she told my dd. X then told two other girls to go up to my dd and ask dd "whay are you acting so popular?" The kids use popular in a negative way - so it is considered bad thing on the playground.

X then confronts my dd on the playground at recess and a fight ensues. DD says to me that X told dd if dd wanted to be Xs friend she should aplogize for being mean (never found out how dd was mean to x), stop wearing Peace signs because X hates them (dd loves to then and all her non uniform clothes have them on them), and a long lis tof other things.

DD tells me that she told X that if X wanted to be her friend she would not be bothered by dds peace signs and that maybe it was best if they gave each other some space (go dd - use mommy's words!!!).

DD - who hates confrontation later apologized to X for the fight. DD says X told her - "whatever."

Now - this is all one sided but dd has been torn up about this. In addition dd has been home sick for the past few days. I had a meeting at the school I could not miss so I brought dd with me at the end of the day.

DD sees some of her friends and waves to them - but some don't wave back (ones who are also friends with x).

Then I run into Xs mom who asks for a ride home. So I say yes. X gets in my car and refuses to look or say anything to my dd on the car ride home. Xs mom seems to be oblivious to all of this.

So how do I help dd deal with X? Oh - X is also apart of dds Girl Scout troop which I lead. We have several campouts and trips planned for the year. I do not want this to be an issue at those events.

 

[teskak]

I would bring it out into the open. Next time you see "X" and her mum, mention that you understand the 2 little girls are fighting / in a popularity contest or something similar.

Watch X squirm, as it seems like she is a bully and wanting to get all to just do what she wants, and she has decided she wants to pick on your daughter
Agree with X's mum that as parents you just stay right out of it and wait for the girls to work themselves out.
Little girls practice being witchy for when they are teenagers and then they are really really good at it.

X is going to have to suck it up with scouts and the other activities where you are involved as I doubt she would try it with a parent around, and secondly parents are usually the source of treats & good times - that does not happen when you are a witchy little xxxxx

Wait 2 months for this all to be over, but remember what this child is like and allow other relationships to develop in preference for this one.

 

[Tinkerbelle's Mom]

I would bring it out into the open. Next time you see "X" and her mum, mention that you understand the 2 little girls are fighting / in a popularity contest or something similar.

Watch X squirm, as it seems like she is a bully and wanting to get all to just do what she wants, and she has decided she wants to pick on your daughter
Agree with X's mum that as parents you just stay right out of it and wait for the girls to work themselves out.
Little girls practice being witchy for when they are teenagers and then they are really really good at it.

X is going to have to suck it up with scouts and the other activities where you are involved as I doubt she would try it with a parent around, and secondly parents are usually the source of treats & good times - that does not happen when you are a witchy little xxxxx

Wait 2 months for this all to be over, but remember what this child is like and allow other relationships to develop in preference for this one.

Thanks for your input!

DD is my only one and it hard to watch her be sick and so sad over what is going on with her friend.

I have made arrangements with another girl to come play once dd is feeling better.

We have a scout meeting next week that my co leader is in charge of. I will have to watch to see how the two interact.

 

[NHdisneylover]

The best advice I can offer for you to help your DD overall is to do what you are doing--making sure she has lots of oppurtunities to develop and nurture other friendships. It will still hurt when X is mean, but she will have her true friends to support her then

For scouts: it is really hard to not watch things related to your own child differently than how you watch/deal with the other kids. Really TRY to treat them all the same (most leaders either tend to favour their own OR over compensate the other way and their kid gets the least attention, favors, etc.). One thing always did with my co-leader which worked pretty well is that SHE handled any kind of behaviour issue involving my DD and I handeled those involving her DD. I also firmly beleive that every scout troop should do team building activites often. When the girls I led were little, we did one team building type activity at the start of every single weekly meeting. We also never let the girls get away with leaving any other girl out or calling names during the meetings/trips. We really pushed that we are sister girl scouts. There was some "testing" for the first 3 months or so, but once they realized the leaders were not putting up with it they stopped. The girls did not always get along outside of scouts, and they were not all friends, but they were all respectful at scouts and most of them did bond pretty darn well over the years. I am not familiar with the new programming at the Brownie level, but it used to be that several of the try-its had activites focused on being respectful, treating people fairly, etc. We used those to our advantage and were sure to work on a fewsuch try-its early on and then throw another one in there about every 6 months to "refresh" the ideas.

 

[Uuaww]

future references, it is a lot easier to follow when you give fake names, not X,Y,Z.

 

[MAKmom]

future references, it is a lot easier to follow when you give fake names, not X,Y,Z.

 

[XTinabell]

The 3rd grade is about the time when girls start playing games like this. There isn't a whole lot you can do, in time the girls will get bored of being mean to your dd and they will make up and pick on someone else for awhile.

Your dd needs to make a group of new friends because these current ones are the types that will play these games for a long, long time. Trust me, I know the type.

 

[mjkacmom]

You talk to your dd about how to deal with this - stay out, mom. This is third grade, and this is when it starts. Dd13 had a friend, down the street, and we went through this every single week for more than a year! They were friends, they were not friends. This girl was my dd's best friend - she was only pretending to be her friend. She wouldn't be dd's friend if dd was friends with so-and-so.

BTW, it doesn't get any better as they get older - just more vicious. However, after the nightmare year of third grade, my dd did learn that friends build you up, and don't make you feel bad (after about a thousand discussions with mom). And I'm happy to say that dd has not been friends with the girl down the street for years now!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Okay my dd(8) is in third grade. She has one friend named X. X and her got together over the summer many times to play and have sleepovers -- fun was had by all.

Now X is being so mean to my dd. It started when X told dd she saw another friend, Y, at the swimming pool. X told my dd that Y was saying that my dd was mean. X told my dd that she (X) agreed with Y so she would play with her but she really did not mean it.

Then last week friend Z comes over to my dd and says that X told her (z) that my dd was really mean but not to say anything. Well Z is a pretty honest kid and wanted my dd to know what X was saying about her.

Z, being an honest kid, told X that she told my dd. X then told two other girls to go up to my dd and ask dd "whay are you acting so popular?" The kids use popular in a negative way - so it is considered bad thing on the playground.

X then confronts my dd on the playground at recess and a fight ensues. DD says to me that X told dd if dd wanted to be Xs friend she should aplogize for being mean (never found out how dd was mean to x), stop wearing Peace signs because X hates them (dd loves to then and all her non uniform clothes have them on them), and a long lis tof other things.

DD tells me that she told X that if X wanted to be her friend she would not be bothered by dds peace signs and that maybe it was best if they gave each other some space (go dd - use mommy's words!!!).

DD - who hates confrontation later apologized to X for the fight. DD says X told her - "whatever."

Now - this is all one sided but dd has been torn up about this. In addition dd has been home sick for the past few days. I had a meeting at the school I could not miss so I brought dd with me at the end of the day.

DD sees some of her friends and waves to them - but some don't wave back (ones who are also friends with x).

Then I run into Xs mom who asks for a ride home. So I say yes. X gets in my car and refuses to look or say anything to my dd on the car ride home. Xs mom seems to be oblivious to all of this.

So how do I help dd deal with X? Oh - X is also apart of dds Girl Scout troop which I lead. We have several campouts and trips planned for the year. I do not want this to be an issue at those events.

How do you help your dd deal? Well, first you find out what your dd is doing that is "mean". That might give you a clearer picture.

I will have to say that your dd's response to "X" was not very nice or apologetic in the 3rd grade world. (bolded part) In other words, it fueled the drama instead of bringing it to an end.

Now being a former GS Leader myself, we did TONS of role playing with the girls. I have to say that it did help them.

The goal is to empower your dd to work it out amongst her friends. That is how you help. Do not be tempted to get overly involved in the girl drama. You need to toughen up a bit.

My dd's are 18 (in college, drama in the dorms) and 13 (middle school drama is the worst)....fun, fun, fun. Right now my saying is taken from Tim Gunn of Project Runway....."Make it work."

 

[PatsGirl]

First It is so hard to see our little girls get hurt.

Let the cat games begin. They start as little kittens but man they got more ferocious as time goes by... keep the communication flowing at home and teach your DD what real friends are by modeling that behavior. It only gets worse, my DD is in 7th grade now and has been through similar situations several times. She has yet to find her real BFF but is well-liked among her peers and gets along with many different groups. But, I do wish she had one real special friendship, someone to cry with... her BFF in elementary school dissed her once they got to middle school and that really hurt

 

[Disney1fan2002]

I had a hard time following that, but have you ever asked your DD was X is calling her mean?

There are mean kids in the world, I just posted about one. Maybe your DD has some moments when she is around other kids that she is mean to X or mean to X's friends. It doesn't make sense to me that someone would start calling a friend "mean" just because some new kid came into the picture.

This summer, my DD had a friend come over. We went to the town pond to swim. There was a gril there who was a neighbor of DD's friend. She wanted to play with DD's friend, but not with DD. Well, the friend wouldn't have it. She was there with DD and that was who she was hanging with. I observed from the beach, and this girl was mean. I even told DD that I thought she was a mean girl, and she agreed with me.

Now, I am sure this girls mother didn't see it like that at all. She may have seen it as the friend being mean by not letting the poor girl hang with them. When SHE was the one who was trying to pull this girl away from DD.

I don't mean any offense by this. Your DD could be a sweet angel. I am just pointing out that with 8 year old girls, there will be drama. It may not be all one sided, either.

 

[laughinplace199]

I think you've received a lot of great advice from parents who have been there/done that. I would also suggest talking to your pediatrician for advice on how to help your DD handle these issues.

My DD is 10. For the past couple of years now, every time she goes to the pediatrician for anything (a check-up, broken arm, asthma attack, etc), the dr always asks her about school and her friends and if anyone is being mean. There are definitely some mean girls in DD's grade, but luckily she hasn't had any issues with them so far. The fact that our ped asks her about it every time he sees her tells me that he must have some great strategies and advice if we ever need it.

 

[mickeyboat]

OP - please talk to your DD and find out if she can pinpoint why the girls think she is being mean.

Last year DD9 was purposely excluding a former friend from recess activities, and talking bad about her. I really got on her case and worked with the school and the other girl's mother to try to work things out. I was very hard on my daughter about it. I was never so happy to see summer vacation!

Things are better this year between DD9 and the other girl as they have been put into separate classes. They are also both in my Girl Scout troop and are getting along well.

But now DD10 is having trouble with this girl, and she is able to better articulate why she is having trouble (DD9 and DD10 are both in 4th grade). This girl tends to brag a lot, and also to insult the other kids - only to apologize and ask for forgiveness later (I have seen some of this myself). The kids will only take so much of that before they decide they don't want to play with her anymore.

If she did do something the other girls might have perceived as mean, she should apologize and try to work things out with them.

If she really is just being picked on, she needs to work on trying to find some new friends. She needs to make sure the "bullies" don't know that it is bothering her. American Girl has some great books on the subject that might be worth checking out.

Good luck.

 

[sbell111]

Isn't this all normal girl interaction (except for all the peace signs)?

 

[luvmy3]

I would bring it out into the open. Next time you see "X" and her mum, mention that you understand the 2 little girls are fighting / in a popularity contest or something similar.

Watch X squirm, as it seems like she is a bully and wanting to get all to just do what she wants, and she has decided she wants to pick on your daughter
Agree with X's mum that as parents you just stay right out of it and wait for the girls to work themselves out.
Little girls practice being witchy for when they are teenagers and then they are really really good at it.

X is going to have to suck it up with scouts and the other activities where you are involved as I doubt she would try it with a parent around, and secondly parents are usually the source of treats & good times - that does not happen when you are a witchy little xxxxx

Wait 2 months for this all to be over, but remember what this child is like and allow other relationships to develop in preference for this one.

OP, I completely understand, my dd has gone through stuff very similiar, in fact she is in 6th and still going through stuff like this. It is just a (sad) fact of life for girls to have to deal with this stuff from their *friends*. You honestly can't do anything about the other girls behavior, and quite frankily you shouldn't, you just need to help your dd through this stuff. Eventually she will figure out who her true friends are.

 

[HM]

The only thing I might add, is help her come up with things to say if she's approached by any of these girls again in the ways you've described. (this is kind of like role-playing, in that you think of scenarios that might happen and work out appropriate responses).

My DD is 14 and she has a lot of drama around her all the time. She mostly stays out of it and sees most of it for what it is (drama), but she does get the sore end occasionally and I've helped her by listening and suggesting things that might be appropriate when that situation comes up again.

 

[Scurvy]

Isn't this all normal girl interaction (except for all the peace signs)?

In my experience, yes it is. Of course that doesn't make it any easier when you are the one going through it. This sort of thing is one reason that I was much better friends with boys than girls by the time I hit junior high - much less drama!


OP, I would try to get to the bottom of why your daughter's friend called your daughter mean. It could be that she unintentionally (or intentionally) was contributing to all this. However, I've seen this happen often when the person being targeted really was blameless and that could be the case here. Either way, I think the best thing to do is to make sure that your daughter has opportunities to socialize with other groups where this girl isn't so influential. And I agree with mickeyboat - if the other girls really are just bullying your daughter for fun, they'll get tired of it much more quickly if your daughter doesn't let them know it gets to her. If you can teach her to act like it doesn't bother her that they treat her this way, it should blow over soon as they move on to someone who gives them the reactions they are looking for.

 

[Disney Doll]

I would bring it out into the open. Next time you see "X" and her mum, mention that you understand the 2 little girls are fighting / in a popularity contest or something similar.

Watch X squirm, as it seems like she is a bully and wanting to get all to just do what she wants, and she has decided she wants to pick on your daughter
Agree with X's mum that as parents you just stay right out of it and wait for the girls to work themselves out.
Little girls practice being witchy for when they are teenagers and then they are really really good at it.

X is going to have to suck it up with scouts and the other activities where you are involved as I doubt she would try it with a parent around, and secondly parents are usually the source of treats & good times - that does not happen when you are a witchy little xxxxx

Wait 2 months for this all to be over, but remember what this child is like and allow other relationships to develop in preference for this one.

Good advice...

 

[cabanafrau]

Nothing hurts worse than when our child is hurting. If it's any consolation, when oldest DD was in grade school she went through the gauntlet of mean girls. It stunk, a LOT! She toughed it out & moved through it eventually. Things really changed at school once she hit middle school & there was a new batch of kids in the mix.

It was a bit of sweet vindication when another mom of one of dd's former good friends from grade school, whose daughter helped instigate a major portion of the bullying of my DD & could see no wrong in what her darling was doing when I tried to enlist her help, actually had the nerve to try & commiserate w/ me when they were in 8th grade, because of what her DD was going through w/ "girls who used to be her friends being so mean". The look on her face was priceless when I genuinely expressed surprise. The irony . . . my DD has had nothing but clear sailing since middle school.

The mom continues to ask me now and again how things are going on that front when we run into each other. She just can't understand how mine has escaped all the drama through middle & the start of high school, when hers is still struggling.

Further irony . . . her younger DD is the same age as mine AND participates in the same type of bullying, in full view of mom and dad's watchful, doting gaze. My younger DD is more of an acquaintance/friend w/ hers & has only been more of collateral damage in the situation. They started middle school this year.

Too late to make a long story short, but if all else fails, help your DD get through it the best she can & hold out hope time will sort things out.

As a GS leader, I'd recommend you look into the new stuff GS is promoting regarding friendships, cliques, bullying, etc. That type of programming is beneficial to all girls, no matter what troop they're in. Sadly, many times bullying goes on & is unknowingly condoned under adult supervision because the offenders are the type of kids to be viewed more positively by adults. As a parent and as someone who acts in a supervisory role with children, please make sure to carefully observe as much as you can of a situation before making a judgment about what's really going on. That's especially true w/ girls' social situations.

 

[KAMKIM]

Okay my dd(8) is in third grade. She has one friend named X. X and her got together over the summer many times to play and have sleepovers -- fun was had by all.

Now X is being so mean to my dd. It started when X told dd she saw another friend, Y, at the swimming pool. X told my dd that Y was saying that my dd was mean. X told my dd that she (X) agreed with Y so she would play with her but she really did not mean it.

Then last week friend Z comes over to my dd and says that X told her (z) that my dd was really mean but not to say anything. Well Z is a pretty honest kid and wanted my dd to know what X was saying about her.

Z, being an honest kid, told X that she told my dd. X then told two other girls to go up to my dd and ask dd "whay are you acting so popular?" The kids use popular in a negative way - so it is considered bad thing on the playground.

X then confronts my dd on the playground at recess and a fight ensues. DD says to me that X told dd if dd wanted to be Xs friend she should aplogize for being mean (never found out how dd was mean to x), stop wearing Peace signs because X hates them (dd loves to then and all her non uniform clothes have them on them), and a long lis tof other things.

DD tells me that she told X that if X wanted to be her friend she would not be bothered by dds peace signs and that maybe it was best if they gave each other some space (go dd - use mommy's words!!!).

DD - who hates confrontation later apologized to X for the fight. DD says X told her - "whatever."

Now - this is all one sided but dd has been torn up about this. In addition dd has been home sick for the past few days. I had a meeting at the school I could not miss so I brought dd with me at the end of the day.

DD sees some of her friends and waves to them - but some don't wave back (ones who are also friends with x).

Then I run into Xs mom who asks for a ride home. So I say yes. X gets in my car and refuses to look or say anything to my dd on the car ride home. Xs mom seems to be oblivious to all of this.

So how do I help dd deal with X? Oh - X is also apart of dds Girl Scout troop which I lead. We have several campouts and trips planned for the year. I do not want this to be an issue at those events.

As far as their friendship is concerned - this will probably blow over soon. Kids at this age are looking to belong and kind of thrive on "high school type drama" because - well at this age they have no drama. I wouldn't get involved in this.

As far as Girl scouts is concerened, as a fellow leader I can tell you the girls get along great when we're doing different activities and keeping busy but I dont think any of the girls are great friends outside of girl scouts. Which is okay too.