Warning - Vent ... Shower / Wedding Registries

[scrump]

I believe any "formula" that determines the gift amount is a locally set standard, perhaps even in different social circles. I don't remember the traditional etiqutte books (Emily Post, Judith Martin, Letitia Baldridge, etc) ever saying anything other than "gifts should never be expected, but always appreciated." (or something to that extent). And I do believe it is that simple.

I can see if it's a lavish wedding, one might feel uncomfortable with a $20 gift. But then, you probably don't know the couple that well, and you might be better off staying home. If one is close to the couple, then I can hardly see why the cost of the gift matters at all.

 

[DisneyJen0504]

I can say, in my family, we give registry gifts for the shower and a monetary gift at the wedding reception. The monetary gift *usually* starts at around $100pp (so a couple would give $200 or more) because that's the typical going rate for reception hall dinners around here. I'm not saying that's standard, but it's traditional for my family.
That said, I don't think anyone expects to get X amount of money for their wedding - I certainly don't. I just look at it as a nice gesture from my family. There's nothing wrong with that, IMO.

I agree. I have always purchased off the registry for shower gifts. MY opinions of the items has nothing to do with it. If you don't want to buy anything off the registry, get a gift card for the bride or couple. But going off to a cheaper store to buy them something YOU think they need is rude imho. For example, we registered at two stores for our shower/wedding. We had a wide range of items for every price range. Anything expensive was either purchased by groups or by our moms. Someone thought it would be good to get me something from a store nowhere near us and bought us a hideous plate set. (btw, we did register and receive a plate set). So lets think about this gift-while appreciated, it went to waste b/c I had nowhere to return it to, no receipt and it sat in the closet for a year before we just got rid of it. No one else we knew wanted it. I rest my case.
As for weddings, I feel the same as many others. 20 bucks for a wedding gift wouldn't happen in my family either. If Dh and I could only afford to give $20, we would have to decline the invitation. Thats just us.

 

[kpm76]

I agree. I have always purchased off the registry for shower gifts. MY opinions of the items has nothing to do with it. If you don't want to buy anything off the registry, get a gift card for the bride or couple. But going off to a cheaper store to buy them something YOU think they need is rude imho. For example, we registered at two stores for our shower/wedding. We had a wide range of items for every price range. Anything expensive was either purchased by groups or by our moms. Someone thought it would be good to get me something from a store nowhere near us and bought us a hideous plate set. (btw, we did register and receive a plate set). So lets think about this gift-while appreciated, it went to waste b/c I had nowhere to return it to, no receipt and it sat in the closet for a year before we just got rid of it. No one else we knew wanted it. I rest my case.
As for weddings, I feel the same as many others. 20 bucks for a wedding gift wouldn't happen in my family either. If Dh and I could only afford to give $20, we would have to decline the invitation. Thats just us.

I agree with everything you said!! We would never, ever consider giving $20 for a wedding gift....heck, that's really cheap for a shower nevermind a wedding! But I know standards are different in certain parts of the country and within certain families, but we never give less than $75/person and that would be for a couple we are not particularly close to.

 

[disneynutt1225]

If you don't want to buy anything off the registry, get a gift card for the bride or couple. But going off to a cheaper store to buy them something YOU think they need is rude imho.

I agree 100%.

 

[dis ms.]

A $99 trash can?!! That's just throwing money away!



(Sorry, I couldn't resist.)

 

[Miss Inga Depointe]

Give what you can afford. It's that simple.

No one should be pressured into spending more than they are comfortable with, and urged to stay home if they can't come up with the "adequate sum." It's a wedding, not a fund raiser.

 

[saucymb]

But going off to a cheaper store to buy them something YOU think they need is rude imho.

But isnt' the whole point of giving a gift for a wedding to let them know you are thinking of them? I had plenty of items on my wedding registry at two different stores. Prices ranging from $5 - $200. Around half of the items we received were from our registry, the other half were random items from other places. Not once did I think it was rude of the giver to not give something from my registry. Some of those random items were completely off the mark for our tastes, but we were so touched that they thought of us, it didn't matter. Some of them we could return, some we couldn't. Big deal. But I never for a second thought it was rude of them.

Budget wise: I know around the country it is different. Some of you all will be shocked and think that we are cheap! But for us, a shower gift for a relative or friend would be in the $20-30 range, and if you give a shower gift there is no need for a wedding gift. If it's a close family member or friend, I will double that range. But then again, most of the weddings in my neck of the woods are not extravagant $100-a-plate parties, but church weddings with a church reception or a restaurant reception. And even if it is an extravagant wedding, I don't necessarily think that you have to give more if the bride chooses to spend more on her wedding reception. Give what you can afford, and even if that is only $20, give it and go anyway. There's a reason you were invited.

 

[RUDisney]

There's a reason you were invited.

But, sometimes that reason is because you are coerced into inviting someone because they are related to you in some convoluted way and "it's only proper to invite family." Or, someone is invited because they work with your parents... not necessarily the type of person with whom they would continue a relationship after they are not longer with the same employer. Or, they are a business associate of your parents with whom they deal on an occasional basis from another company.

My Mom wanted to invite everyone whom she'd ever met to our wedding. We were paying for it, so it wouldn't have cost her anything to have all of these people to the country club. Luckily, it only held 150 people, so we had to cut all of her acquaintances from our list.

Some of these people were actually mad at me for this. WTH!?! I didn't know them well. What should it matter except they wanted to go to a party.

Sorry, this is an off-topic rant. There is just too much emotion surrounding a wedding and who is invited and who isn't. Personally, I don't want to go to most of them to which we're invited. If I'm not close to the person, I'd prefer to go somewhere else for the evening. My DH has about 60 first cousins, so we go to a lot of weddings. If I'm close to the person, then I am excited to go.

 

[dis ms.]

Maybe couples should just sell tickets to their reception. That way they can be sure to recover what they spent on the wedding and make up for any cheap $20 gifts they might receive.

I think it's rude to complain about a gift you received because it didn't cost enough or wasn't on your registry. Believe me, we got our share of "What were they thinking?" wedding gifts, but--in the grand scheme of things--who cares?

FTR, I buy off the registry or give cash/gift cards. However, registries are suggestions, not mandatory.

 

[Miss Inga Depointe]

However, registries are suggestions, not mandatory.

I Know! Silly me! I always thought the registries were suggestions too! Like, if you really didn't know what to buy. Little did I know they were "lists of demands"!

 

[paigevz]

Maybe couples should just sell tickets to their reception. That way they can be sure to recover what they spent on the wedding and make up for any cheap $20 gifts they might receive.

I think it's rude to complain about a gift you received because it didn't cost enough or wasn't on your registry. Believe me, we got our share of "What were they thinking?" wedding gifts, but--in the grand scheme of things--who cares?

FTR, I buy off the registry or give cash/gift cards. However, registries are suggestions, not mandatory.

Exactly. It is rude to expect a gift. Gift registries are inherently rude. They are now the cultural norm in our society, usually because of pressure from outsiders who don't know the couple well enough to know what they'd like. HOwever, you should not look at it as a "I only want a pony for Christmas and nothing else will do" situation. YOu are supposed to be pleasantly surprised upon receiving a gift, no matter what it is. It's the thought that counts!

 

[Miss Inga Depointe]

Exactly. It is rude to expect a gift. Gift registries are inherently rude. !

I don't think I'd go that far. I've never used them for myself, but there are times that I have appreciated their existance. Just yesterday I told me husband to find out if his coworker had one because they are having a shower for her at work and I'd appreciate seeing her "wish list". I think of them as "wish lists" and nothing more. I use them only if I need ideas, and only after reading this thread have I realized that someone out there may be angry with me for thinking something up on my own!

 

[disykat]

I can't believe there have been several people here actually saying it is RUDE to give a gift not on a registry! Unless you're giving a bag of steaming dog poop - a gift is never rude. I can't stand getting flowers, candles, or any kind of scented products so I've gotten tons of gifts I don't like over the years - so I try to look at the thought behind the gift, not the actual gift.

I am also glad that in my area there is no money limit on wedding gifts - or if there is, at least no one I know would suggest such a thing. I had people come to my wedding that couldn't afford a gift. I invited them and was honored that they came. Yes, I felt that people honored us with their presence at our wedding. We got married during a busy time of year during a snow storm. I truly felt blessed by everyone that came.

What I choose to spend on my party should have nothing to do with whether the people come with a gift or how much that gift is worth. To say anything otherwise implies you are charging admission, IMO. I would have been terribly insulted if people had thought that of me.

 

[C.Ann]

I can't believe there have been several people here actually saying it is RUDE to give a gift not on a registry! Unless you're giving a bag of steaming dog poop - a gift is never rude. I can't stand getting flowers, candles, or any kind of scented products so I've gotten tons of gifts I don't like over the years - so I try to look at the thought behind the gift, not the actual gift.

I am also glad that in my area there is no money limit on wedding gifts - or if there is, at least no one I know would suggest such a thing. I had people come to my wedding that couldn't afford a gift. I invited them and was honored that they came. Yes, I felt that people honored us with their presence at our wedding. We got married during a busy time of year during a snow storm. I truly felt blessed by everyone that came.

What I choose to spend on my party should have nothing to do with whether the people come with a gift or how much that gift is worth. To say anything otherwise implies you are charging admission, IMO. I would have been terribly insulted if people had thought that of me.

--------------------------------

Very well said!

 

[disneynutt1225]

Yes, everyone has the right to spend what they want to spend when giving wedding gifts. Yes, the registry is a guideline, not mandatory. However, do you know how much effort it takes to do the actual registry? For me, it took days because I wanted to make sure that there were things in there that A) I would use, B) would be reasonably priced for everyone attending my wedding, and C) things that were my taste. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to display something in my home that Great Aunt Sally bought for me simply because she thought I would like it. I'd rather return it and get something I like that will make me think of her when I bought it. If it's ugly, or I don't want it/can't use it, it's going back to the store - and that's not because I'm being rude, it's because I should have things in MY home that I LIKE and WANT.

You honestly mean to tell me that no one has returned something they got as a gift because they didn't like it? You've never gotten clothes that weren't your taste? You've never asked for something and been slightly disappointed that you didn't get it? Whether it be for Christmas or a birthday or some other event? You've never been asked "What can I get you for (insert event here) and then been a little disappointed when you didn't receive it?

Color me rude, but I think I'm just being realistic. If it's not on the registry, please don't buy it for me, even if you THINK I might like it. I'd rather have a gift certificate to the stores on my registry because at the end - the bride and groom get a 10% discount on things that were not purchased from the registry. Again, that's just MHO.

 

[Miss Inga Depointe]

Yes, everyone has the right to spend what they want to spend when giving wedding gifts. Yes, the registry is a guideline, not mandatory. However, do you know how much effort it takes to do the actual registry? For me, it took days because I wanted to make sure that there were things in there that A) I would use, B) would be reasonably priced for everyone attending my wedding, and C) things that were my taste. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to display something in my home that Great Aunt Sally bought for me simply because she thought I would like it. I'd rather return it and get something I like that will make me think of her when I bought it. If it's ugly, or I don't want it/can't use it, it's going back to the store - and that's not because I'm being rude, it's because I should have things in MY home that I LIKE and WANT.

You honestly mean to tell me that no one has returned something they got as a gift because they didn't like it? You've never gotten clothes that weren't your taste? You've never asked for something and been slightly disappointed that you didn't get it? Whether it be for Christmas or a birthday or some other event? You've never been asked "What can I get you for (insert event here) and then been a little disappointed when you didn't receive it?

Color me rude, but I think I'm just being realistic. If it's not on the registry, please don't buy it for me, even if you THINK I might like it. I'd rather have a gift certificate to the stores on my registry because at the end - the bride and groom get a 10% discount on things that were not purchased from the registry. Again, that's just MHO.

Can I give you some unsolicited advice? It's OK to vent and say this to us, but don't give this speech out loud to real people. Honestly, if someone said it to me, I'd want to give them nothing.

I understand where you are coming from, but you should be realistic, too. It would be nice if, for example, every birthday my husband only bought me things I really wanted. But that is never going to happen and it just isn't worth making a big fuss and directing his gift purchases to hurt him.

 

[disneynutt1225]

Can I give you some unsolicited advice? It's OK to vent and say this to us, but don't give this speech out loud to real people. Honestly, if someone said it to me, I'd want to give them nothing.

Thanks for the advice, but I won't have to give this speech in real life because my family and friends aren't like this.

 

[Miss Inga Depointe]

Thanks for the advice, but I won't have to give this speech in real life because my family and friends aren't like this.

Honestly, I wasn't trying to say that you even would say it out loud. I understand venting about crazy wedding gifts and wishing you'd get things you want. I had a wedding. I know about these things.

I still wouldn't assume everyone would be cool with being told what to buy you, though.

 

[disneynutt1225]

I still wouldn't assume everyone would be cool with being told what to buy you, though.

Believe me, they'd let me know. We're a no holds barred kind of family, LOL.

 

[paigevz]

Yes, everyone has the right to spend what they want to spend when giving wedding gifts. Yes, the registry is a guideline, not mandatory. However, do you know how much effort it takes to do the actual registry? For me, it took days because I wanted to make sure that there were things in there that A) I would use, B) would be reasonably priced for everyone attending my wedding, and C) things that were my taste. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to display something in my home that Great Aunt Sally bought for me simply because she thought I would like it. I'd rather return it and get something I like that will make me think of her when I bought it. If it's ugly, or I don't want it/can't use it, it's going back to the store - and that's not because I'm being rude, it's because I should have things in MY home that I LIKE and WANT.

You honestly mean to tell me that no one has returned something they got as a gift because they didn't like it? You've never gotten clothes that weren't your taste? You've never asked for something and been slightly disappointed that you didn't get it? Whether it be for Christmas or a birthday or some other event? You've never been asked "What can I get you for (insert event here) and then been a little disappointed when you didn't receive it?

Color me rude, but I think I'm just being realistic. If it's not on the registry, please don't buy it for me, even if you THINK I might like it. I'd rather have a gift certificate to the stores on my registry because at the end - the bride and groom get a 10% discount on things that were not purchased from the registry. Again, that's just MHO.

I do NOT think it is rude to return gifts, as long as you do not let the giver know you've returned it. It's easy to say in response to, "where's that beautiful bowl I gave you?", "Oh, I received so many nice things, that I can change what I put out from time to time, it's packed carefully away in the attic until March/Christmas/Halloween/whatever". No one is going to demand that you go unpack the bowl. She might be slightly offended that you put it up for a while, but it's not the same as saying, "It wasn't my taste so I returned it." That will REALLY hurt Great Aunt Millie's feelings.

I also don't think you're a rude person if you have a registry. As I said, it's become a cultural norm, and is expected.

But, I don't think it's rude for someone to give any gift they think you'd like, whether or not it was on your registry. Now, giving something just laying around the house, just because you bought it on sale and you need to take something to the wedding, isn't so nice, but you don't really know when they bought it if they were thinking of you or not, so you must assume they were, which means you must be happy to receive it (not so much happy to HAVE it, as happy to RECEIVE it).