Vent-Explain my BIL to me please!

[kidzmom3]

Sure it is. My nephew is not old enough for 2 weeks but he is already up to a week and he is alone with us. In a couple of years I am sure he will be with us for multiple weeks. I would fight pretty hard to keep him in my life if something bad were to happen.

not everyone agrees. I would never let my kids go to a relatives for a week or longer. They can visit, weekends etc... but I like structure and our family belongs under our roof. I am not saying you are wrong. Everyone must choose for their own children. Try to take my choice away, then there would be trouble

 

[alexandria674]

Doesn't matter what the child's age is.
Doesn't matter that the OP sent her kids off 'up to him'. (if that ever happened....)

Nothing, NOTHING, matters except what the child's father feels is best for his daughter.

This girl has lost her mother and now has a new stepmother.
I could easily imagine that this girl is having a hard time, is vulnerable, is in need of some TLC or counseling... If I was BIL I would grow some [edited] and just tell anyone that it is best if his daughter stays at home.

The OP should ask if she can come for a short visit.
And, even then, BIL has no obligation to say, yes, you will be welcome.

The OP is WAY over the line.
NO question. NO ifs, ands, or buts.

The OP has titled her thread "Explain my BIL to me".
Bottom line, she is not owed any explanation.
A simple, I not so sure... No, not right now... etc.. should suffice.

The OP's sense of entitlement is what really hits me.
Along with the raging animosity when you read between the lines.
If somebody keeps banging on my door harder, and harder, and tries to push-push-push their way in, then that just makes me want to install about 20 more deadbolts.

I agree. It is hard on both the OP and the BIL and the child is stuck in the middle of this, however it is still the BIL's call.

 

[lillygator]

That's why he has a new wife. She can keep him company.

I think this says it all. Seriously.

 

[My sister's princess]

I have seen some nasty nasty things on the DIS, but I am horrified at what I am seeing on this thread. People who are attacking this woman should be ashamed of themselves, I am not saying you should be ashamed of your opinion but of the way that you are sharing it. OP is quite obviously still dealing the with the grief of losing someone she loves very much. Yes they are just words on a computer screen, but still they are hurtful.
I personally am terrified at the thought of losing my sister, and can't imagine the pain you have gone through OP. My thoughts and best wishes are with you and your family. Could you fight for visitation with your niece, I know that many families are forced to do this when the significant other refuses to allow the child to spend time with their family.

 

[lillygator]

I have seen some nasty nasty things on the DIS, but I am horrified at what I am seeing on this thread. People who are attacking this woman should be ashamed of themselves, I am not saying you should be ashamed of your opinion but of the way that you are sharing it. OP is quite obviously still dealing the with the grief of losing someone she loves very much. Yes they are just words on a computer screen, but still they are hurtful.
I personally am terrified at the thought of losing my sister, and can't imagine the pain you have gone through OP. My thoughts and best wishes are with you and your family. Could you fight for visitation with your niece, I know that many families are forced to do this when the significant other refuses to allow the child to spend time with their family.

what about the BIL, who's wife died and is now being harassed by her sister? Deosn't he have feelings too? I think asking more than the one time was too much, he said no to begin with, wait until next summer and ask again.

 

[boltfans]

Sure it is. My nephew is not old enough for 2 weeks but he is already up to a week and he is alone with us. In a couple of years I am sure he will be with us for multiple weeks. I would fight pretty hard to keep him in my life if something bad were to happen.

This may work out for you, but I would never, ever let my kids spend 1 week (let alone 2 or more) with my sisters, SILs or BIL. Just won't happen ever. Not that I don't trust them, I just truly don't see a need for that. A sleepover one night? Fine. A weekend is okay too. But a week is unnecessary. I wouldn't even send my kids to my mom's or MIL's for a week. Not that I think they wouldn't be cared for, I know they will, but I just think it's too long. Now, if they're teens and my mom wants to take 1 of them on a special trip, I would likely agree to that. But just to sit at her home for a week, why?

I would most definitely want my family (or my husband's family for that matter) to stay in contact with our kids should something happen to one of us, but that can be accomplished without 2 week long visits. Why didn't the OP invite her BIL, new wife, and the niece to stay with them for a weekend? Or plan to meet up somewhere between them both to spend the day together? Why does it have to be 2 weeks alone with the niece?

 

[My sister's princess]

what about the BIL, who's wife died and is now being harassed by her sister? Deosn't he have feelings too? I think asking more than the one time was too much, he said no to begin with, wait until next summer and ask again.

It sounds like the BIL has gone through the grief process in a healthy and complete way, he is remarried.

 

[blissventure]

I have seen some nasty nasty things on the DIS, but I am horrified at what I am seeing on this thread. People who are attacking this woman should be ashamed of themselves, I am not saying you should be ashamed of your opinion but of the way that you are sharing it. OP is quite obviously still dealing the with the grief of losing someone she loves very much. Yes they are just words on a computer screen, but still they are hurtful.
I personally am terrified at the thought of losing my sister, and can't imagine the pain you have gone through OP. My thoughts and best wishes are with you and your family. Could you fight for visitation with your niece, I know that many families are forced to do this when the significant other refuses to allow the child to spend time with their family.

I care about both OP's and BIL's loss. I really, really care about the niece. Don't know her age, but she lost her mom. She's at risk of losing contact with her aunt, if her aunt isn't able to put her niece's needs first.
"Fighting" for visitation is a very poor idea. Few courts are going to side with extended family over a parent. And anyway, who has $200.00/billable hour to fight tooth and nail? All that's going to do is cause heartache (and a much lighter bank account.)
Meeting the BIL halfway is a much better idea. Start with short visits, grow TRUST, and then consider longer ones.
The last thing OP really wants is BIL needing to set firm boundaries with her, because by her words and actions he feels she's causing problems.
So, OP, consider being a kind friend to all involved! Your moving in that direction could be so healing. It would be the best gift you could ever give your niece.

 

[rcpae]

I'm not sure this is even relevant but when my husbands sister wants to keep our kids we really balk. The reason....the cousins influence that my children will be around for an extended period of time. Sometimes it is just not worth it.

Probably not even relevant...but our personal experience.

 

[Allison]

I have seen some nasty nasty things on the DIS, but I am horrified at what I am seeing on this thread. People who are attacking this woman should be ashamed of themselves, I am not saying you should be ashamed of your opinion but of the way that you are sharing it. OP is quite obviously still dealing the with the grief of losing someone she loves very much. Yes they are just words on a computer screen, but still they are hurtful.
I personally am terrified at the thought of losing my sister, and can't imagine the pain you have gone through OP. My thoughts and best wishes are with you and your family. Could you fight for visitation with your niece, I know that many families are forced to do this when the significant other refuses to allow the child to spend time with their family.

I'm horrified that someone would suggest that because a father is hesitant to let his daughter goes away for 1-2 weeks a legal fight for visitation is an option.

The OP asked for explanations on her BIL. People are providing that. I'm pretty sure she can handle the responses. Parents have a right to not send their kids away to someone's house if they don't want to do it.

I do agree the BIL should have been more direct and said no instead of stalling.

 

[lillygator]

It sounds like the BIL has gone through the grief process in a healthy and complete way, he is remarried.

we also don't know all the history and I am sure BIL has his own side to this story.

 

[mamacatnv]

I have spent the better part of 20 years "avoiding and evading" my Brothers requests for me to send him my kids for a visit. I love my Brother, he is the only family I have but I am their Mom and I have my reasons, enough said.
OP plan a trip and go visit, do it often and regularly otherwise take what you can get and leave it at that.
I'm sorry you lost your sister I would be very careful not to also lose your niece.

As for some of the comments on this thread those that have been around for awhile are probably not the least bit surprised by some of the posters comments, I wasn't.

 

[DisMomme]

I'm not sure this is even relevant but when my husbands sister wants to keep our kids we really balk. The reason....the cousins influence that my children will be around for an extended period of time. Sometimes it is just not worth it.

Probably not even relevant...but our personal experience.

This is exactly what I have been thinking while reading this thread.

 

[lillygator]

and I don't think anyone is being nasty, they are offering the OP the other reasons she asked for.....

 

[jenrose66]

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your sister and I can understand why you want to see your niece. However some parents just aren't comfortable sending their kids away.

My Dh's 3 sisters always want to take my boys out. They want them to sleep over their houses or take them places in their cars. I'm just not there yet. I don't mind visiting dh's sisters with the kids and I don't mind them coming here to babysit, but I'm not letting them be transported in vehicles me or dh aren't driving (I work in insurance claims and hear to many horror stories) and I am not comfortable spending the night away from my boys just yet.

Maybe BIL doesn't want to let his daughter go just yet.

 

[jemgumby]

I have seen some nasty nasty things on the DIS, but I am horrified at what I am seeing on this thread. People who are attacking this woman should be ashamed of themselves, I am not saying you should be ashamed of your opinion but of the way that you are sharing it. OP is quite obviously still dealing the with the grief of losing someone she loves very much. Yes they are just words on a computer screen, but still they are hurtful.
I personally am terrified at the thought of losing my sister, and can't imagine the pain you have gone through OP. My thoughts and best wishes are with you and your family. Could you fight for visitation with your niece, I know that many families are forced to do this when the significant other refuses to allow the child to spend time with their family.

Agreed. The way people respond sometimes on these boards is horrible. Manners have obviously gone out the window. Sad. Anonymity apparantly makes people feel they can be downright rude.

OP sorry about your sister

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I didn't read the whole thread, but I am sorry about your sister and hope you get to spend some time with your niece. If my brother or sister passed away, I would be crushed not to spend time with their kids.

 

[Tink888]

OP - Just wanted to say that I'm sorry for the loss of your sister. I can understand you wanting to see your niece and it sounds like you live pretty far away which makes it harder. It sounds like a tough situation all around.

I don't know all the details, the age of your niece or BIL's reasons but I have to tell you, as a parent, if I were in BIL's shoes I would've REALLY resented you having your DH call. If I was stalling giving an answer, the answer was probably no and as the parent, if I don't want my child going somewhere, for whatever reason, I don't need to provide an explanation. If I felt like I was railroaded into doing something, especially when it comes to my kids, I guarantee you I'd never let it happen again.

It wouldn't surprise me if BIL just told your DH yes with no intention of actually sending your niece to visit, just to get you off of his back. I'm not trying to sound mean and I really understand where you're coming from but the parent in me makes me side with BIL.

I think you need to have a heart to heart with your BIL and you're going to need to find a better way to communicate with eachother because if you use the same tactics you did for this visit, I really think you run the risk of having any relationship with your niece cut off completely.

I hope everything works out for all of you - sounds rough for everyone involved.

 

[Nancyg56]

I would like to weigh in on this discussion, I was in the same situation as the OP's BIL. My first husband passed away when my children were very young. It could have been a very awkward situation, my former IL's really had a very hard time with his loss, the fact that I got involved with another man after his death and then were very concerned thatI would keep the children away from them. In all honesty, juggling an "outlaw" family is hard. My IL's had had experience with ex family members keeping kids away so they had the history to worry. I understood how they felt and did all that I could to make them understand that I would never do that. The fact that I was here and their son was not must have been very hard for them. Their comfort level would have been higher if they just let my kids go, they would not need to deal with me and I would never had had to deal woth them, and the man I was involved with, along with his family could live like there was no past for me. But there were three kids who needed to know their father's family, their own history and know that they wer not buried along with their father. So we all figured it out.

At that time there were no rights for them once their son died. One threat, made in fear from my MIL was enough for me to check and then set her and their fears straight. I won't pretend that the first two years were easy, they were not. Their fears made them press and I am afraid that I avoided them when the stress would have been too much. I did not like feeling pressured and they did not like feeling that they were losing their grandchildren. Thank GOd they did not give up and THank God I was not stubborn and thank God my husband and his family were all onboard that the kids deserved an intact family. I have two sets of IL's, Buddy has a set on IL's and Outlaws and my kids have a large family. My husband is part of the family and he is wonderful as is my former MIL. I am so glad we all did this togehter and worked out the stress, the fear of losing more made them act adn the pressure made me react. It was not always an easy relationship but for all of us, it is a blessing relationship.

OP: others have been trying to be tactful... But, I am all for being candid and truthful on these chatboards.

You are out of line.
You have no 'right' to your neice.
Your BIL (and his wife???) have no obligation to make a way and 'send her up to you'. Not even for a weekend... much less a week or two.

If you have pressed the point and 'sicked your your husband', you are not out of line... You have crossed the line into 'fighting territory'.

I am sorry that you are missing your niece whom you love.

But, it's their child, their life... not yours.

Easy for you to say. She is fighting to keep her sister's child in her life. This is not an easy fight, and as a Mother who was in the BIL's shoes, it would be easier to pretend this family never existed. Is it okay for his DD? Probably not but she really cannot choose....her father has the "right". SO the BIL does not have to agree but if Punkin gives up and lets him live a life that excludes his former wife's family that child most likely will never have the opportunity to remain a part of her Mother's family.Believe me, I understand the "right" of a parent in this circumstance and if there was any indication that my child was going to hear anything that compromised my family I would say no. But just to make my life more comfortable...sorry, there is an "obligation" there.

OP, I can't imagine losing a sister, someone you've grown up with. If something happened to me, I would hope that DH would make sure that my sister got time with my kids, and the cousins saw each other. My dd12 is flying to OH to vacation with my SIL for 2 weeks - family is family. I'd have a heart to heart with him, explaining that if he's not comfortable, maybe he could tell you why (he thinks you're a raging alcoholic, his dd is too young, he's overly paranoid...).

That is the thing, losing a brother or sister can mean losing an entire family. My former IL's were devastated when Donald died, losing his children too? I am so grateful taht we all worked this out, my DMIL is teh rock in our lives right now, she is the strongest woman I know and while my Dh, after close to 30 years, gets a little tired of spending every Holiday together, he supports that my DGD sees an intact family...the more people who love her the better off she is.

Doesn't matter what the child's age is.
Doesn't matter that the OP sent her kids off 'up to him'. (if that ever happened....)

Nothing, NOTHING, matters except what the child's father feels is best for his daughter.

This girl has lost her mother and now has a new stepmother.
I could easily imagine that this girl is having a hard time, is vulnerable, is in need of some TLC or counseling... If I was BIL I would grow some [edited] and just tell anyone that it is best if his daughter stays at home.

The OP should ask if she can come for a short visit.
And, even then, BIL has no obligation to say, yes, you will be welcome.


The OP's sense of entitlement is what really hits me.
Along with the raging animosity when you read between the lines.
If somebody keeps banging on my door harder, and harder, and tries to push-push-push their way in, then that just makes me want to install about 20 more deadbolts.

We all understand that the BIL has the last word. Parents usually do with their kids. Yes, he has a new wife and the child has a new Mother". Do his feelings negate those of his DD? If the child wants to see her Aunt then someone needs to help her to do so. Children's wants and needs so often come after their parents in this kind of situation. It would make the BIL's life so much easier if his diseased wife's family just slipped away but these people may be exactly what the child needs. I can tell you that I am one stubborn woman and would often be annoyed when I was pressed by my IL's. They were not always right but neither was I. The only thing that made this work out was that we both put our ego's aside, stoopped worrying about "rights" and put the children first.

what about the BIL, who's wife died and is now being harassed by her sister? Deosn't he have feelings too? I think asking more than the one time was too much, he said no to begin with, wait until next summer and ask again.

I can gaurantee that if my IL's had stopped asking I would have been grateful to go on with my life with no discomfort. My MIl and I both agree that we both really wanted to block the pain and could have gone on with our own lives, it would have been easier in teh short run. My children would have been the losers. We are all better off now but those first few years were difficult at best. If there is no vist this summer ther will probably be no visit next year. I have had conversations with people who have never seen their relatives children after a death, they all sort of quietly drifted apart.

I'm horrified that someone would suggest that because a father is hesitant to let his daughter goes away for 1-2 weeks a legal fight for visitation is an option.

I am horrified as well. The one time my MIL let that little tidbit slip I had to have a difficult conversation with her and DFIL. No one would ever threaten me. I needed to trust that the children's relationship with me and with the man I was going to eventually marry would not be undermined once they were with their father's family. They needed to trust that I was not going to undermine them as grandparents, aunts and uncles.


I think a better solution for all of this pussyfooting around between the Op and the BIL is a real conversation. Why is he worried? Is his new wife feeling compromised? Is is just easier to let the OP's family drift away? There is a reason and both parties need to put their own feelings aside and be honest with each other.

 

[rowbear]

not everyone agrees. I would never let my kids go to a relatives for a week or longer. They can visit, weekends etc... but I like structure and our family belongs under our roof. I am not saying you are wrong. Everyone must choose for their own children. Try to take my choice away, then there would be trouble

I understand but since he finally agreed it was obviously not the length of time that he had a problem with and he could have just said he was going to send her for 4 days or whatnot. Instead he hinted. I just think this whole thing could have been avoided had he manned up and communicated his true thoughts on the matter.

I personally think it is a shame you don't trust your family enough to care for your children for more than a weekend. I am glad our family is not that way because forming strong bonds in the family is still important to us. "Structure" sounds too much like controlling and over-protective to me. I am sure you didn't mean it that way.