Vent-Explain my BIL to me please!

[Wishing on a star]

OP: others have been trying to be tactful... But, I am all for being candid and truthful on these chatboards.

You are out of line.
You have no 'right' to your neice.
Your BIL (and his wife???) have no obligation to make a way and 'send her up to you'. Not even for a weekend... much less a week or two.

If you have pressed the point and 'sicked your your husband', you are not out of line... You have crossed the line into 'fighting territory'.

I am sorry that you are missing your niece whom you love.

But, it's their child, their life... not yours.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I pushed it because I want to see her.

You have no rights to 'push' your wants on anybody.
Your wants are not anyone else's obligation.
Seeing your little confused icon... I wonder just how you don't 'get' that.

 

[Rebelmom67]

That's why he has a new wife. She can keep him company.

There seems to be a bit of animosity towards the BIL and his new wife. I wouldn't want someone who disliked my family watching after my kid either.

 

[barkley]

just want to say as someone with kids as well-that it would come off allot better to me if a family member extended an "invitation" for one of my children to visit vs. "bugging" me to "send" them-invitation i can accept or decline, "bugging" me makes it seem like a guilt trip/obligation. i also have to add that when my family members start in on the "you need to get the kids here to visit" tract my dh and i have to wonder if they ever consider that (1) our kids are'nt simply packages that we can leave on the porch for ups to pick up and deliver therefore for them to travel entail us transporting or arranging transport which either way entails potentialy time taken off work or from college, (2) arranging and paying for our children to travel (and the associated expense of our travel to/from there or an airport) may not be top on our expense list (and we sure as heck don't choose to discuss our finances with people who "bug" us let alone anyone else), and (3) while our kids generaly don't lie to people they have been taught to be very polite such that when an adult family member says in every conversation to them "oh won't we have fun when you visit, oh i bet you can't wait till you can visit, i've already planned x,y, z for your visit, your cousins are SOOOOO excited about your visit..." they are'nt going to come out and say "well, honestly i like visiting you with my mom/dad so i know i can leave after a day or two-but staying with you for 2 whole weeks is something i've privatly told my mom and dad i realy don't want to do but you make me feel horribly guilty about it so i've asked mom and dad to try and figure out some excuse so i "can't" come instead of "i don't want to" come". instead they say "oh, yes that sounds nice" or "um hum i'm looking forward to it".

p.s. we get "pushed" allot since we moved 2 states away from family-we don't respond well to it because they are equaly capable of traveling to see us.

 

[mjkacmom]

OP, I can't imagine losing a sister, someone you've grown up with. If something happened to me, I would hope that DH would make sure that my sister got time with my kids, and the cousins saw each other. My dd12 is flying to OH to vacation with my SIL for 2 weeks - family is family. I'd have a heart to heart with him, explaining that if he's not comfortable, maybe he could tell you why (he thinks you're a raging alcoholic, his dd is too young, he's overly paranoid...).

 

[Minnesota!]

OP: others have been trying to be tactful... But, I am all for being candid and truthful on these chatboards.

You are out of line.
You have no 'right' to your neice.
Your BIL (and his wife???) have no obligation to make a way and 'send her up to you'. Not even for a weekend... much less a week or two.

If you have pressed the point and 'sicked your your husband', you are not out of line... You have crossed the line into 'fighting territory'.

I am sorry that you are missing your niece whom you love.

But, it's their child, their life... not yours.

IMO - you were WAAAAAY out of line.

 

[Mommy2three]

That is your sisters child and I do think he should let her still have a part of that side of her family even though your sister is no longer with them. You guys are still her family. I would sit down and have a heart to heart talk with him and ask him why he said no, and let him know your feelings about still having your niece a part of your family and your life. If he doesnt allow his daughter to have contact with your side of the family he may end up regretting that later on in life when his daughter has lots of questions and anger towards him for it.

 

[Lionqueen2]

I remember years ago visiting my mother's sister who lived a few states away after my mother passed at an all-too-early age. It felt so good to be with her because she reminded me of my own dear mother so much. I enjoyed my time with her and in a way it was like having a part of my DM back again for a short time, but leaving was hard and so was the time following the visit. It seemed to remind me of how much I missed my own DM and brought up those sad feelings all over again. While I enjoyed the visit and loved being with DA, it did remind me of how much I lost with the passing of DM and it took a while to get over those sad feelings.
I can't help but wonder if your BIL isn't concerned about the same thing for his daughter. Losing a mother is hard and perhaps he is concerned about the effect a visit with you might have.
You sound like a wonderful, loving aunt, just like my own DA was, and that may be just the thing that could remind her of her own loss.
I don't know if this is the case in your situation, but thought I'd mention it as a possibility into your BIL's thinking.

 

[happygirl]

Would you be okay sending your kids to stay with him for a couple of weeks

 

[The Mystery Machine]

To answer the BIL questions, that was a stall technique because he does not have the guts to say no to you for whatever reason.

How old is the child in question?

 

[mrsv98]

I am with Punkin on this. Her DN is a connection to her deceased DSis and if I were in the same spot then I would move heaven and earth to see my nieces and nephews. I think it is insensitive of the dad to drag this out and not be clear. If there is an issue, then say it, otherwise let the DN see her Auntie!

 

[punkin]

Would you be okay sending your kids to stay with him for a couple of weeks

Yes, they went last summer.

 

[Serena]

He doesn't want to hurt your feelings so he said no in the most polite way possible. He is relenting because he doesn't want to cause a fight, which sounds like would be the next step.

Either one of them may have had reasons they didn't want to mention. You pushed, that is not cool.

 

[punkin]

I don't know if this is the case in your situation, but thought I'd mention it as a possibility into your BIL's thinking.

I don't know. I never considered that.

 

[Buckalew11]

So how old is she? How far away does she live?
How long has her mom been gone?

 

[punkin]

So how old is she? How far away does she live?
How long has her mom been gone?

I would rather not post too many revealing details online. There are all kinds of weirdos here. Sorry, I know this would make a lot more sense if the details were posted but I just don't feel comfortable doing it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Doesn't matter what the child's age is.
Doesn't matter that the OP sent her kids off 'up to him'. (if that ever happened....)

Nothing, NOTHING, matters except what the child's father feels is best for his daughter.

This girl has lost her mother and now has a new stepmother.
I could easily imagine that this girl is having a hard time, is vulnerable, is in need of some TLC or counseling... If I was BIL I would grow some [edited] and just tell anyone that it is best if his daughter stays at home.

The OP should ask if she can come for a short visit.
And, even then, BIL has no obligation to say, yes, you will be welcome.

The OP is WAY over the line.
NO question. NO ifs, ands, or buts.

The OP has titled her thread "Explain my BIL to me".
Bottom line, she is not owed any explanation.
A simple, I not so sure... No, not right now... etc.. should suffice.

The OP's sense of entitlement is what really hits me.
Along with the raging animosity when you read between the lines.
If somebody keeps banging on my door harder, and harder, and tries to push-push-push their way in, then that just makes me want to install about 20 more deadbolts.

 

[MinnieMe87]

OP, I can't imagine losing a sister, someone you've grown up with. If something happened to me, I would hope that DH would make sure that my sister got time with my kids, and the cousins saw each other. My dd12 is flying to OH to vacation with my SIL for 2 weeks - family is family. I'd have a heart to heart with him, explaining that if he's not comfortable, maybe he could tell you why (he thinks you're a raging alcoholic, his dd is too young, he's overly paranoid...).

I agree!

And hugs to you, OP. I'm sorry for the loss of your sister.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Honestly I would stop badgering him. Maybe he is not comfortable with his child traveling and staying with anyone for that kind of time. Just because you sent your kids and you are doesn't mean that he is. Every parent is different.
I think you are just not getting it. He clearly is trying to just be polite and put you off in the hopes that you will stop pushing it. I am guessing that he doesn't want to fight with you but he does not want his child spending that kind of time away and/or with you alone. The fact that you admitted that you know he doesn't want to send the child and you keep pushing it because it is what YOU want might have something to do with it. That seems very telling to me.
I am so very very sorry that you lost your sister. I cannot even imagine how bereft you are about it. I too would not want to lose contact with my neice either. However, you have to still respect the parent. Did this child come and spend weeks at your home when your sister was alive? If not then this shouldn't surprise you that he still won't let the child come.
It doesn't matter what his reasons are. He doesn't have to share them with you. He said no and that should be it. Go visit your niece. Email her, call her, send her letters etc. You can still be present in her life without a two week visit. Offer up an invitation and if they take it then great. If not then that is their choice. It is an invitation and not a summons.
Good luck and again, I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I would rather not post too many revealing details online. There are all kinds of weirdos here. Sorry, I know this would make a lot more sense if the details were posted but I just don't feel comfortable doing it.

Nobody is asking for name, date, social security number.....
Some general info to answer these questions would not be revealing information.

I think that there is a lot more to this situation that the OP is not posting/revealing.
Most likely anything that does not support her case against her BIL.

Funny that the OP declines by saying 'I am not comfortable...', but she does not offer others (her BIL, the parent) the same respect.