Vent-Explain my BIL to me please!

[punkin]

He said no and that should be it.

Actually, he said yes.

 

[Buckalew11]

That's OK. I was just wondering.
I think the child's age does matter when traveling away from home. And, she may tell you she wants to come and she may tell daddy something different. My DD never wants to hurt her aunt's feelings so she always seems to be saying yes but was less than thrilled with going.
Just wondering how long this new woman has been in your niece's life.
Just wondering how long of a trip it would be to get back home if she wanted daddy really badly.

That's all.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Age is a factor imo. I would have no issue with sending my older teen anywhere.

However my 12yodd is not so traveling savy.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Actually, he said yes.

Actually from your posts he kept putting you off and you badgered him until he said yes. It is not quite the same.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Actually, he said yes.

So, he said yes, and you are STILL here posting and ranting and raving?
(Instead of celebrating... 'Hey, I will get to have my beloved niece this summer!!!!!)

Boy, that is even more telling.

 

[punkin]

So, he said yes, and you are STILL here posting and ranting and raving?

 

[mumom95]

Doesn't matter what the child's age is.
Doesn't matter that the OP sent her kids off 'up to him'. (if that ever happened....)

Nothing, NOTHING, matters except what the child's father feels is best for his daughter.

This girl has lost her mother and now has a new stepmother.
I could easily imagine that this girl is having a hard time, is vulnerable, is in need of some TLC or counseling... If I was BIL I would grow some balls and just tell anyone that it is best if his daughter stays at home.

The OP should ask if she can come for a short visit.
And, even then, BIL has no obligation to say, yes, you will be welcome.

The OP is WAY over the line.
NO question. NO ifs, ands, or buts.

The OP has titled her thread "Explain my BIL to me".
Bottom line, she is not owed any explanation.
A simple, I not so sure... No, not right now... etc.. should suffice.

The OP's sense of entitlement is what really hits me.
Along with the raging animosity when you read between the lines.
If somebody keeps banging on my door harder, and harder, and tries to push-push-push their way in, then that just makes me want to install about 20 more deadbolts.

You need to back off. You're the one that is way out of line at this point.

 

[C.Ann]

Nobody is asking for name, date, social security number.....
Some general info to answer these questions would not be revealing information.

I think that there is a lot more to this situation that the OP is not posting/revealing.
Most likely anything that does not support her case against her BIL.

Funny that the OP declines by saying 'I am not comfortable...', but she does not offer others (her BIL, the parent) the same respect.

I'm afraid I have to agree with this.. Something doesn't add up.. There has to be more to this - if for no other reason than she finally got him to say "yes" and yet she's still complaining..

To the OP: I have to tell you that if someone badgered and pushed me that hard, I would push back - and the answer would be a definite no.. If that person then went on to "sick" someone else on me, the answer would then be never..

There has to be a logical reason for his initial hesitation: concern for his child's safety; the child's age; the expense involved; a bad relationship between you and him - something..

I'm very, very sorry that you lost your sister.. I lost my younger brother just 3 years ago.. However, that does not give you the right to make "demands" on your BIL whenever you feel like it.. He is the parent - and it's up to him to decide where his DD can go - and when..

Add to that the fact that you are "demanding" two weeks, and I can see where he might be hesitant to have her away from him for that long (even though he has a "new wife to keep him company" - as you have stated here)..

There's something more going on here - and I think you know what it is.. It's time for you to sit down with him - alone - (no "sicking" other people on him) and straighten it out.. If not, you run the risk of alienating him forever - which also means having no contact with your DN.. If your DN means that much to you, you will find a way to handle this in a calm, rational way so there won't be any additional problems in the future..

I hope it all works out for the best - for everyone..

 

[punkin]

There has to be more to this

Of course there is more to this. There are years of history and background. Kinda hard to put a lifetime into one little "vent" post, but that's OK, on message boards people get their exercise mainly jumping to conclusions.

 

[ginna74]

I think age is relevent... if the age is under 10 persay maybe that is why that dad was REAL leary, I mean you are trusting people with a childs care, complete and total care, especially after a death I dunno... ... and if the child is also a teen MAYBE the girl didn't want to go and thus that is why he was he was hesitant...and now he talked the girl into going... Giving the age here wont all of a suddon give people the info they need to stalk you but it will give us insight into what is going on with what you posted....

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Of course there is more to this. There are years of history and background. Kinda hard to put a lifetime into one little "vent" post, but that's OK, on message boards people get their exercise mainly jumping to conclusions.

I think it is becoming abundantly clear why your BIL is not rushing to send his child to you.
I wish you the best and hope you find a solution that everyone is happy with.

 

[rowbear]

I think I am going to side with the OP on this one. All that "hinting" around is what is causing the problem. He should be a man and say exactly what is going on instead of leaving it as a mystery. Hinting around can quickly go from being tactful to just being annoying.

No an aunt has no direct rights but all he had to do was say no and why. Hinting around would make me keep asking too.

Oh the horror! Someone loves his child and wants to keep that child in their lives. Unless the OP is negligent in some way this is part of being a family.

 

[bumbershoot]

Actually, he said yes.

At the end. After you continued to ask. You should have taken the "no" after the first time, even if it was just him putting you off and being vague. That's what the PP was saying, that he had said no, and you kept pushing instead of just dealing with it.

Funny that the OP declines by saying 'I am not comfortable...', but she does not offer others (her BIL, the parent) the same respect.

I quite agree.



I'm trying to put my family into something similar. So I die, and DS and DH are left behind. My childfree (that's why i have to die, not my brother) brother and SIL want to see DS, and they keep asking hubby to send him down. I imagine that, even if hubby re-marries (and he's not the type to do so...while dating he would wait at least as long as the relationship was to start dating, and that's when someone else had actually done something to make him dislike them, or he already disliked them...but if he did), he would still be scared spitless to think of *sending* DS anywhere. The worse case scenario thoughts would pile up...what would happen IF, how could he live IF. If it's a quick re-marriage for your BIL, that shows that he probably doesn't have the constitution to be alone long (my stepdad is like that), which means if his daughter had *something* happen to her while traveling to you, or while in your care, he might not survive. Might not WANT to survive.

Or heck, maybe he doesn't like you. Who knows? You haven't asked him so you're never going to know. We don't know but you asked "us"...ask him!

If I were off being reborn to a new life, while my brother badgered my husband about sending DS to visit...I might have to die again to come back and haunt my brother. I would hate knowing my husband was being badgered about it, even though I love my brother and SIL dearly.

 

[C.Ann]

Of course there is more to this. There are years of history and background. .

You have just verified - with your own statement - that the "jumping to conclusions" is correct..

The hostility you have shown in response to suggestions made here are also further evidence of that.. You wanted people to explain why your BIL might be acting the way he is and when they did, you didn't like the possible scenarios that people posted..

I don't know what else you want.. Work things out with him - or don't.. In the end it will be you and your DN that suffer for it and I was assuming that you would rather not go that route.. Maybe I was wrong..

 

[blissventure]

Heck, I'll weigh in. OP's sister passed away, and the loss is very sad. Dad now has the right to make any decision he sees fit. If OP is loving, supportive of Dad and Stepmom, and is just patient, kind and not demanding in any way there is a much better chance of things working out over time. It's so important not to get a little dig in here or there, or to criticize anyone or anything. It's a new day, her sister is sadly gone, and it's up to OP to do what she can to keep her relationship with her niece. Sometimes the most important thing you can do is just be supportive, friendly, kind, and non-judgmental. It's not about OP's needs, it's about her niece.

Her BIL probably senses some issues, and that doesn't help. Maybe it's time for OP to consider working on just being supportive. (Ask BIL what he'd prefer. Let him know OP is flexible.)

I have a niece who's parents are divorced (yes, I know that's a different situation), but I learned early on that each parent asked the niece for chapter and verse of what we talked about. I make sure whatever I say to her (and still do to this day) I would be OK with either parent hearing. We stay away from anything controversial, period. If anything touchy about her parents comes up, I will say in a lighthearted loving tone that I like both your parents, and then move the conversation to another topic.
I just aways assume any and all conversations are on the record. It makes for easier visits, it really does!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I think I am going to side with the OP on this one. All that "hinting" around is what is causing the problem. He should be a man and say exactly what is going on instead of leaving it as a mystery. Hinting around can quickly go from being tactful to just being annoying.

No an aunt has no direct rights but all he had to do was say no and why. Hinting around would make me keep asking too.

Oh the horror! Someone loves his child and wants to keep that child in their lives. Unless the OP is negligent in some way this is part of being a family.

Visiting family for 2 weeks alone is not a neccesary part of of being a family.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I would rather not post too many revealing details online. There are all kinds of weirdos here. Sorry, I know this would make a lot more sense if the details were posted but I just don't feel comfortable doing it.

I totally am cool with this. You just never know, do you?

 

[rowbear]

Visiting family for 2 weeks alone is not a neccesary part of of being a family.

Sure it is. My nephew is not old enough for 2 weeks but he is already up to a week and he is alone with us. In a couple of years I am sure he will be with us for multiple weeks. I would fight pretty hard to keep him in my life if something bad were to happen.

 

[mjkacmom]

You need to back off. You're the one that is way out of line at this point.

You are not kidding. The OP lost a SISTER, and just wants to have a little time with the piece of her she has left. Obviously this poster has issues with family members - I am so grateful to have a loving relationship with my sister, my SIL's, BIL's, aunts, uncles, counsins, IL's, and parents. They've helped be develop good empathy, and I hope to teach this to my children.

 

[lillygator]

You have just verified - with your own statement - that the "jumping to conclusions" is correct..

The hostility you have shown in response to suggestions made here are also further evidence of that.. You wanted people to explain why your BIL might be acting the way he is and when they did, you didn't like the possible scenarios that people posted..

I don't know what else you want.. Work things out with him - or don't.. In the end it will be you and your DN that suffer for it and I was assuming that you would rather not go that route.. Maybe I was wrong..

I agree, there is a lot more to this story I am sure. The OP seems really hostile to the BIL. I am betting next time she asks the answer will be a direct NO!