Vent-Explain my BIL to me please!

[Mom2Nick]

So you travel 7 hours to take family to movies and see their ball games? That just doesn't work for most people.

The more time you spend with someone the stronger the bond. There is no way you can convince me otherwise because it doesn't make sense. Their parents have a stronger bond than you do with them not just because they are their parents but because they live together. You can't possibly believe that visiting with someone for a few days is the same as spending a week or more. When you have that child without their parents you even have more quality time because are not sharing time with the parents. I am not saying you don't have A bond but there are many different levels of bonding with family or friends.

I find it amazing that you believe that YOUR life and YOUR way of bonding is the best way and the only way to form strong relationships with family members and anybody that does it differently doesn't have the strong bond you have. There are many other ways! They way you have choosen is NOT the best way for everybody - it's only the best way for you.

 

[rowbear]

I find it amazing that you believe that YOUR life and YOUR way of bonding is the best way and the only way to form strong relationships with family members and anybody that does it differently doesn't have the strong bond you have. There are many other ways! They way you have choosen is NOT the best way for everybody - it's only the best way for you.

More time = stronger bond. No one can refute that. It may be that other people do not seek as stong of a bond and are comfortable at some other level. It doesn't make them better or worse than me. I certainly do not have the same level of bond with all my relatives. I don't even have a bond with segments of my family. Some of them are complete strangers to me and others fall somewhere between acquaintances to really really close. I have cousins that I am really close with and others that I have not seen in decades.

This is not a bond contest but to say there is no reason to have someone for a multiple week visit is just not right.

 

[mjkacmom]

Look, I too am so sorry that the OP has lost her sister...
But, that does not change the facts...
That does not make it okay (and not WAY out of line) for her to be demanding that her nieces father 'send her up to her' for two full weeks.

I.

beg1  /bɛg/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [beg] Show IPA verb, begged, beg⋅ging.
Use beg in a Sentence
–verb (used with object) 1. to ask for as a gift, as charity, or as a favor: to beg alms; to beg forgiveness.
2. to ask (someone) to give or do something; implore: He begged me for mercy. Sit down, I beg you.

She said she begged, she did not say demand:

–verb (used with object) 1. to ask for with proper authority; claim as a right: He demanded payment of the debt.
2. to ask for peremptorily or urgently: He demanded sanctuary. She demanded that we let her in.

There's a difference. I think her BIL should man-up, and let her know why her sister's dd can't visit - there might be a good reason. I think the problem is he won't give her one, and she feels her niece slipping away.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

There's a difference. I think her BIL should man-up, and let her know why her sister's dd can't visit - there might be a good reason. I think the problem is he won't give her one, and she feels her niece slipping away.

Perhaps the BIL doesn't want to tell the OP the reason why because maybe she doesn't see herself the same way the BIL does. I am pretty sure that most people have a relative that they like and will visit but that they don't want to send their kids to.

 

[Missy1961]

So you travel 7 hours to take family to movies and see their ball games? That just doesn't work for most people.

The more time you spend with someone the stronger the bond. There is no way you can convince me otherwise because it doesn't make sense. Their parents have a stronger bond than you do with them not just because they are their parents but because they live together. You can't possibly believe that visiting with someone for a few days is the same as spending a week or more. When you have that child without their parents you even have more quality time because are not sharing time with the parents. I am not saying you don't have A bond but there are many different levels of bonding with family or friends.

You really don't want to see any other point of view but your own.

 

[happygirl]

More time = stronger bond. No one can refute that. It may be that other people do not seek as stong of a bond and are comfortable at some other level. It doesn't make them better or worse than me. I certainly do not have the same level of bond with all my relatives. I don't even have a bond with segments of my family. Some of them are complete strangers to me and others fall somewhere between acquaintances to really really close. I have cousins that I am really close with and others that I have not seen in decades.

This is not a bond contest but to say there is no reason to have someone for a multiple week visit is just not right.

So are you saying If I spend a lot of time with a serial killer or a child raptist I will have a strong bond with them. That is a bunch of BS.

 

[Wishing on a star]

beg1  /bɛg/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [beg] Show IPA verb, begged, beg⋅ging.
Use beg in a Sentence
–verb (used with object) 1. to ask for as a gift, as charity, or as a favor: to beg alms; to beg forgiveness.
2. to ask (someone) to give or do something; implore: He begged me for mercy. Sit down, I beg you.

She said she begged, she did not say demand:

–verb (used with object) 1. to ask for with proper authority; claim as a right: He demanded payment of the debt.
2. to ask for peremptorily or urgently: He demanded sanctuary. She demanded that we let her in.

There's a difference. I think her BIL should man-up, and let her know why her sister's dd can't visit - there might be a good reason. I think the problem is he won't give her one, and she feels her niece slipping away.

Ohhhh Good Grief...
Now we start with the 'semantics'.
Yes, continual 'begging' and making a request without accepting 'no' for an answer is a DEMAND. Plain and simple.

Also, the BIL owes the op NO explanation.
He doesn't owe her any 'good' reason.
Any reason he has is good enough. And is his own business.

 

[Keli]

Op, I know how I feel about my siblings kids and I would have done the same thing in order to spend time with them.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I know I could trust my sister, brother or inlaws to care for my child without question. I think it's important for a child to know their extended family, and it can be fun for them to spend time visiting. I went and visited with my aunt, uncle and cousins for a week or so growing up, and have great memories. Not as a toddler, but beginning when I was seven or eight.

I think that BIL should keep his deceased wife's wishes in mind, and if she would have liked her daughter to know and spend time with her aunt, he should respect that.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think that BIL should keep his deceased wife's wishes in mind, and if she would have liked her daughter to know and spend time with her aunt, he should respect that.

Most here would agree.
But that does not mean that the BIL should have to send his daughter off like a UPS package anywhere for two full weeks.

That does NOT mean that the OP, or any family member, has the right to expect/demand that that kind of rights to somebody else's child.

The road to you-know-where is paved with justifications and good intentions.

 

[BeccaBellePA]

Wow this is getting a little crazy. Here are just my two cents, probably not even worth that:

OP: If he never gave you a solid "Yes" or "No" answer, then I think you would be fine with asking again. Perhaps I was putting myself in your place (as I think most posters do) and I tend to be a wide-eyed optimist. So if I was told, "We'll think about it and let you know" then never heard back, I would ask again. I know, as it has been pointed out repeatedly, that some say that was his polite way of saying no. However, if you were trying to make plans, travel arrangements, etc., then chances are you would need a definite answer.

However, if that answer was "No" then I think, at least for now, it should be left at that. Maybe plan a visit to her. Just try to see her and work it out.

Best of luck, and lots of hugs.

 

[Mom2Nick]

More time = stronger bond. No one can refute that. It may be that other people do not seek as stong of a bond and are comfortable at some other level. It doesn't make them better or worse than me. I certainly do not have the same level of bond with all my relatives. I don't even have a bond with segments of my family. Some of them are complete strangers to me and others fall somewhere between acquaintances to really really close. I have cousins that I am really close with and others that I have not seen in decades.

This is not a bond contest but to say there is no reason to have someone for a multiple week visit is just not right.

You still think your way is the only way and the best way?

My point is that you CAN have a VERY strong bond without taking children away from their own personal lives and temporarily incorporating them into yours. Spending a week or more sleeping over is NOT necessary for building a strong relationship.

 

[ols386]

This thread is sounding like a soap opera.

If the BIL doesn't want his dd to visit her aunt, then he should be up-front, and just tell her (the aunt) no, the dd can't come and visit with you.

No, he's not required to give the aunt a reason, but out of common courtesy, I think he should just be honest and tell the aunt what the reason is.

 

[alexandria674]

So are you saying If I spend a lot of time with a serial killer or a child raptist I will have a strong bond with them. That is a bunch of BS.

Wait.. What? Care to explain a little bit more? I don't see how criminals mix in with this conversation.

I am a tad slow today.

 

[happygirl]

Wait.. What? Care to explain a little bit more? I don't see how criminals mix in with this conversation.

I am a tad slow today.

From my take she is saying this is the gospel truth and applies to everyone every situation

 

[sbell111]

I know I could trust my sister, brother or inlaws to care for my child without question. I think it's important for a child to know their extended family, and it can be fun for them to spend time visiting. I went and visited with my aunt, uncle and cousins for a week or so growing up, and have great memories. Not as a toddler, but beginning when I was seven or eight.

That being said, wouldn't you agree that if BIL doesn't trust teh OP 'without question', then he shouldn't send his little girl to stay with her for a few weeks?

I think that BIL should keep his deceased wife's wishes in mind, and if she would have liked her daughter to know and spend time with her aunt, he should respect that.

No one knows his wife's wishes better than he does. Those who try to tell him what his dead wife's wishes were do so at their peril.

 

[alexandria674]

From my take she is saying this is the gospel truth and applies to everyone every situation

Ah.oohh...ok I get it.

Sorry for the break in debate but that one got me to take a double glance.

 

[Hollywoodhaha]

I love how most of yall are saying "the brother said no, leave it at that!"

Erhm... the BIL never said yes or not. Yall are just jumping to conclusions.

 

[ginna74]

HAS op explained how old this child is and how this child might not want to go and that it might be as SIMPLE as that and all this other stuff might not even be a part of it???? The fact that the age was left out makes me wonder..... THE CHILD MIGHT JUST NOT WANT TO GO??? There are so many diferent senerios we all are just guessing really I think that is why the op is not comming back. We were not given any info to go by, no age no background so there is no way to tell why the BIL is hesitant.

 

[lillygator]

More time = stronger bond. No one can refute that. It may be that other people do not seek as stong of a bond and are comfortable at some other level. It doesn't make them better or worse than me. I certainly do not have the same level of bond with all my relatives. I don't even have a bond with segments of my family. Some of them are complete strangers to me and others fall somewhere between acquaintances to really really close. I have cousins that I am really close with and others that I have not seen in decades.

This is not a bond contest but to say there is no reason to have someone for a multiple week visit is just not right.

but WHY do they need to visit for mulitple weeks? WHY the need - I don't get it. Are you going mulitple weeks to extended family to keep your bonds?

You really don't want to see any other point of view but your own.

HAS op explained how old this child is and how this child might not want to go and that it might be as SIMPLE as that and all this other stuff might not even be a part of it???? The fact that the age was left out makes me wonder..... THE CHILD MIGHT JUST NOT WANT TO GO??? There are so many diferent senerios we all are just guessing really I think that is why the op is not comming back. We were not given any info to go by, no age no background so there is no way to tell why the BIL is hesitant.

no and I doubt, since not all are in agreement with her, she will.