Unlocking the Heart of Adoption

[HelenaB]

I was adopted at a month old and had a wonderful childhood.

Unfortunately both my adopted parents have passed away but I was never in any doubt that they were my "real" parents as opposed to who just gave birth to me.

They told me that I was adopted from a very young age - that they had chosen me - which is a wonderful thing if you think about it.

I have a fair amount of details about my natural mother and could no doubt contact her if I wanted to - but I really don't feel the need.

I'm a big fan of adoption - as long as there are no secrets then it's a wonderful thing.

 

[shortbun]

We are a family through adoption and so far, so good. Our son will be 16 in July. Of all the kids we know who were adopted, none is having problems related to adoption. We have lots of friends who are families with adoption in them because we went to a book club of adoptive parents and a group of parents who were or had adopted early in our son's life.

 

[aprilgail2]

The documentary addressed that. The adult children and adoptive parents talked about a void that was there that the parents just weren't able to fill and how strong the bond was with the birth parent (even though they generally didn't know that parent).

I changed my post a little bit because my friend was the only one I've known through adulthood, but the two friends I know (more acquaintances) have children who are older children to younger teens. They all seem to be doing well.

I had a great relationship with my parents but always had that nagging feeling I belonged someplace else. Always that wonder of who I really was, who had me and why did they feel it necessary to give me up. I spent years and years searching until I found my answers. I was really intensly interested in medical background-wouldn't have a child of my own until I found my answers. I now have two families- my A family and my B family LOL- I went from one sibling to 4 siblings and I now have neices and nephews from my birth family! Sort of the best of both worlds for me at this point. I finally have people that look like me, have mannerisms like me-we have holidays and birthdays together -not on the actual dates since that is my a family time, but we celebrate together on another day!
My A-brother was also adopted and he has no desire to seek out his birth family--to each their own. I was empty until I found mine but he doesn't have that need.
Oh and my mom has no problems with any of this, she even had my birth mom invited to my baby shower and they exchange birthday and christmas cards (one on east coast and one on west coast). My mom also comes to my birth siblings parties etc. She knows how important it was to me to find that part of me-I do remember telling her while I was searching that I would still spend every holiday with her and that is exactly what we do!

 

[Poohforyou]

My daughter is adopted and I think she is a pretty well adjusted child. She's known since she was a baby that she was adopted but since she's a different ethnicity than DH and I she would have figured it out pretty quickly.

Sometimes it's hard to know whether issues that arise are because a child is adopted or because they are just age appropriate angst. For instance lots of studies on adoptive children will say they feel lost as teenagers and have a need to find where they came from. However, trying to figure out who you are and where you belong is this world is pretty typical for most teens. Being clingy, afraid of different things and needing extra attention is pretty typical behavior for a young child.

The best any of us as parents can do for our children, whether adoptive or biological is keep the lines of communication open, make sure they know they are loved and validate their feelings.

 

[Pigeon]

I'm the mother of two internationally adopted children who were adopted at about the age of one year, and who are now 13 and 10. We are active in a couple of adoption support groups and I know a ton of adoptive families. I didn't vote in your poll because I know some families in each category.

My two kids are doing very well. The older one has more adoption related issues. She's a high achiever, does great in school and is in many ways the "model child." But she's a much more difficult kid, who, while I know she loves us, wants to push us away much more. She doesn't have many good friends. Part of that is the teen thing, but part of that is adoption.

The younger child also does well in school, but she's much more easy going and generally sunnier.

Both of my kids do feel the loss that goes along with adoption and they always will. I get my hackles up when I hear people telling adopted kids how they should feel, how they aren't different from bio kids, etc. There is a real difference and the kids know it.

They know they are cherished and that we will walk through fire for them. But they also know that when they were tiny babies, their birthparents left them in front of a public building and walked away. They know that somewhere out there, they have a sibling and parents that aren't us. But they will always love their bio families no matter what incomprehensible thing happened. That hurts and it always will.

As far as I can see, the key thing is to keep them talking. Let them know that no subject is off limits, and that you are empathetic, even though you don't know what it's like to be adopted.

I know adoptive families where everything is pretty good, but I also know some where the kids have reactive attachment disorder and have just about destroyed their families. The statistics I've seen and the research I''ve read says about a third of kids adjust pretty easily, a third have issues that need to be worked on but overal turn out OK, and a third have a very sad outcome.

I'm a big supporter of adoption, but you have to go into it with your eyes open.

 

[LIDisneyFan]

I have 2 adopted teenaged children, both adopted at birth. They are your typical teenagers, with your typical teenage problems and strengths. They are both very open with friends about their adoption (not that it is ever a big deal, but it is something that-when it comes up-comes up naturally and without issue).

I don't see us struggling as a result of adoption any more than any other parent of a teenager. I do think that some people find it easier to attach the issues that they have to adoption rather than admitting that they are part of the normal differences between children (biological or adopted). As a child I was very remote and less demonstrative than most kids, whereas my bother was very demonstrative and outwardly loving. It wasn't labeled-we were just different kids. And we were both biological. We tend to label everything emotion with some disorder these days.

That being said, I sometimes feel that the teenage years serve the singular purpose of making that 'seperation' when they leave a lot easier!!

 

[canadianjovigirl]

My son who will be 13 this summer is adopted, we got him when he was almost 7 and so far he seems to have adjusted well. I actually have more issues with my 16 year old daughter feeling like the other kids are treated better than her!!! I am sure at some point we will struggle again as we did in the beginning but to me that is just part of being a parent.

We do talk about his birth family and how we were lucky enough to be chosen to be his parents and how much he completes our life, but he too may have feelings we are not aware of.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

They know they are cherished and that we will walk through fire for them. But they also know that when they were tiny babies, their birthparents left them in front of a public building and walked away. They know that somewhere out there, they have a sibling and parents that aren't us. But they will always love their bio families no matter what incomprehensible thing happened. That hurts and it always will.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but could you explain the bolded more?

 

[Pigeon]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but could you explain the bolded more?

My kids have both expressed the idea at various times that their parents must not have loved them, must not be good people, that there must be something inherently wrong with themselves (my dds). Because how else can you explain how somebody could leave a helpless infant in a public place and walk away not knowing if they would live or die? If their own mothers could do a terrible thing like that, what kind of awful acts are their children (my kids) capable of doing?

But my kids also have a deep longing to know their bio families, their mothers in particular. It causes a great deal of cognitive dissonance.

Now, we have explained many times and in many ways the likely reasons and the social circumstances that probably lead their bio parents to do what they did. We have explained that it was likely a matter of survival and that there were probably enormous pressures on the bio parents to act as they did. We have never spoken of the bio parents with less than complete respect. We urge our kids to talk about them if they want to and assure them we are not hurt by it.

But still, just wondering makes them somehow feel disloyal to us. Not too long ago, my 10 year old was acting funny all day right before her birthday. I knew something was upsetting her terribly, but she wouldn't talk. I finally got her to tell me that she was thinking about her birthmother, and she thought this was something I would never be able to forgive her for. We all had a good cry and I told her that it was totally fine to think about the birthmother, that I think about her birthmother, and that I would never be hurt by this.

The thing is, I've told her this many, many times before, but she still is so conflicted. It's a complicated situation which leads to complex emotion. You can be there and be supportive, but you can't just kiss it away.

Don't misunderstand, my kids are doing well and are generally happy kids, but this stuff is always going to be an issue, one that I think people tend to want to gloss over.

 

[njmom47]

My brother and I were adopted (not biologically related). My adoptive mom belongs to a group (and has, since we were little) of adoptive familes. (There are only 5 moms left..but the kids are in our mid 50s to mid 40s now).
I have often wondered about our group...we had 2 suicides and 1 murder/suicide. My brother was a FAS child and has learning disablilties, as did a couple of others in the group. Some of the "kids" children have serious medical issues. If you took a random group of 30 adults our age, would we have the same odds of out-of-the-ordinary issues?
Anyway, I have always known I was adopted (I was 4 months old). My bio parents were teens and biological grandmother told bio mom she had to give me up or would be kicked out of the house. So she was sent away from Ct. to NJ (which is what they did in 1960). I feel I'm basically ok, although I have met both sides (who is left) of my biological families, and I am close with my dad, not so much moms' family (she passed away at age 32). My only real issue is feeling totally, completely alone in this world as I have no biological siblings.

ETA I didn't vote because there was no "other." And honestly, that would be my answer..some are, some aren't. But I couldn't say for sure their issues were CAUSED by being adopted.

 

[horseshowmom]

I'm a big fan of adoption - as long as there are no secrets then it's a wonderful thing.

I agree. Secrets, as a whole, are not a good thing. I have a good friend (went through high school, college, and children together. When we were in college, her mother died. In going through the attic, she found information that her father had been married before to a woman in our town. She had no idea, and it really bothered her that nobody had ever told her. Truthfully, it was long before she came along, and they probably saw no reason to bring it up, but it did bother her. I can only imagine how upsetting it would be to not be told you had been adopted. There's certainly nothing wrong with being adopted, it's just a different way of joining the family. I can see where keeping it a secret would be devastating.

We are a family through adoption and so far, so good. Our son will be 16 in July. Of all the kids we know who were adopted, none is having problems related to adoption. We have lots of friends who are families with adoption in them because we went to a book club of adoptive parents and a group of parents who were or had adopted early in our son's life.

I can see where that would be of great help.

Oh and my mom has no problems with any of this, she even had my birth mom invited to my baby shower and they exchange birthday and christmas cards (one on east coast and one on west coast). My mom also comes to my birth siblings parties etc. She knows how important it was to me to find that part of me-I do remember telling her while I was searching that I would still spend every holiday with her and that is exactly what we do!

Thanks for adding this part. As I read your post, I wondered about it and was glad to see that it worked out well for you and your family (both families).

I'm the mother of two internationally adopted children who were adopted at about the age of one year, and who are now 13 and 10.

Both of my kids do feel the loss that goes along with adoption and they always will. I get my hackles up when I hear people telling adopted kids how they should feel, how they aren't different from bio kids, etc. There is a real difference and the kids know it.

They know that somewhere out there, they have a sibling and parents that aren't us. But they will always love their bio families no matter what incomprehensible thing happened. That hurts and it always will.

As far as I can see, the key thing is to keep them talking. Let them know that no subject is off limits, and that you are empathetic, even though you don't know what it's like to be adopted.

I'm a big supporter of adoption, but you have to go into it with your eyes open.

But my kids also have a deep longing to know their bio families, their mothers in particular. It causes a great deal of cognitive dissonance.

But still, just wondering makes them somehow feel disloyal to us. I told her that it was totally fine to think about the birthmother, that I think about her birthmother, and that I would never be hurt by this.

The thing is, I've told her this many, many times before, but she still is so conflicted. It's a complicated situation which leads to complex emotion. You can be there and be supportive, but you can't just kiss it away.

Don't misunderstand, my kids are doing well and are generally happy kids, but this stuff is always going to be an issue, one that I think people tend to want to gloss over.

I googled some articles and think that what you are saying is very much true. I read an article on the NYTimes that was very favorable regarding adoption and was really surprised at many of the negative comments that were left by adoptees (of course, there were some positive ones as well). I did take into account that probably the reason there were so many negatives (some pretty extreme) was probably because those with negative opinions would be more likely to looking for that type of article anyway.

 

[horseshowmom]

Thank you to everyone who posted and shared your stories!

 

[rie'smom]

Our daughter is adopted. Until she reached her mid teens, it was not much of an issue. In the last year though it has. She feels that she was thrown away by her birth parents. I've told her that her birth parents made a decision out of love and that she was not thrown away. These are her feelings though and I respect them. All of the kids that we know who are adopted have struggled with their adoption at one time or another-some as teens and others when they had their own children. It's an abandonment issue. If Rie decides that she wants to seek her birth parents, we will help her.

 

[Pigeon]

I googled some articles and think that what you are saying is very much true. I read an article on the NYTimes that was very favorable regarding adoption and was really surprised at many of the negative comments that were left by adoptees (of course, there were some positive ones as well). I did take into account that probably the reason there were so many negatives (some pretty extreme) was probably because those with negative opinions would be more likely to looking for that type of article anyway.

There is a small, but very vocal community of folks who are virulently anti-adoption. Sometimes it is because they were adopted by some extremely unsuitable people. Sometimes their adoptive parents were OK, but they just feel the way they do.

I encountered them early on in my exploration of adoption issues. Their opinions can be unsettling, to put it mildly. Most would have adoption made illegal, and have a rather optimistic view that if only enough resources were directed at birthparents, the outcome would always be better than adoption.

While I clearly disagree with that position, I think it is useful for folks considering adoption to try to understand where these people are coming from. It's unpleasant, but it is the way some adoptees end up feeling.

 

[horseshowmom]

Our daughter is adopted. Until she reached her mid teens, it was not much of an issue. In the last year though it has. She feels that she was thrown away by her birth parents. I've told her that her birth parents made a decision out of love and that she was not thrown away. These are her feelings though and I respect them. All of the kids that we know who are adopted have struggled with their adoption at one time or another-some as teens and others when they had their own children. It's an abandonment issue. If Rie decides that she wants to seek her birth parents, we will help her.

That was one of the issues they mentioned - that it even affected children who were adopted as babies.

Earlier, I mentioned my friends who adopted foster children - one of whom developed serious issues. That one would tell the others that they didn't have to pay any attention to what the parents said because "they weren't their real parents". Interestingly, both of the other children (all were teens at this point) stated that "they might not be your parents, but they're my parents".

There is a small, but very vocal community of folks who are virulently anti-adoption. Sometimes it is because they were adopted by some extremely unsuitable people. Sometimes their adoptive parents were OK, but they just feel the way they do.

I encountered them early on in my exploration of adoption issues. Their opinions can be unsettling, to put it mildly. Most would have adoption made illegal, and have a rather optimistic view that if only enough resources were directed at birthparents, the outcome would always be better than adoption.

While I clearly disagree with that position, I think it is useful for folks considering adoption to try to understand where these people are coming from. It's unpleasant, but it is the way some adoptees end up feeling.

I agree. Reading that was the first time I had encountered those strong opinions. Of course, they are entitled to how they feel, but it was unsettling. OTOH, there were also posters who had been adopted who were very happy to have been adopted and with how their situation worked out. Our poll is currently running at about 60+% positive to 40-% negative.

 

[lemondog]

Our oldest, who will be 10 next month, was adopted from Russia at age 6 months. We have had no problems with her adjusting at all. She has always known she is adopted from Russia but so far she has no idea to know any of her biological family. That will come in time I am sure. As for now she is a typical 4th grader (well, rising 5th grader now).

 

[horseshowmom]

Our oldest, who will be 10 next month, was adopted from Russia at age 6 months. We have had no problems with her adjusting at all. She has always known she is adopted from Russia but so far she has no idea to know any of her biological family. That will come in time I am sure. As for now she is a typical 4th grader (well, rising 5th grader now).

I have a friend who has two from Russia and one from the states. They all seem to be doing well and seem to be close to their parents.

 

[si-am]

Interesting thread!

As someone struggling with infertility, I'm constantly getting the question "Why don't you just adopt?" I don't have anything against it, and I have several friends with adopted kids (toddlers now) who are really happy. But for ME, I'm just not sure it's a good fit. I think I would be heartbroken if my child suddenly wanted to find his/her "real" parents one day. Or if I had to go through an open adoption where the birth mother was always sort of present. I don't think I could handle it.

I know that some people can handle it just fine, but I'm not sure I'm one of them... I think I may just be too insecure.

 

[quasar4legs]

Interesting thread!

As someone struggling with infertility, I'm constantly getting the question "Why don't you just adopt?" I don't have anything against it, and I have several friends with adopted kids (toddlers now) who are really happy. But for ME, I'm just not sure it's a good fit. I think I would be heartbroken if my child suddenly wanted to find his/her "real" parents one day. Or if I had to go through an open adoption where the birth mother was always sort of present. I don't think I could handle it.

I know that some people can handle it just fine, but I'm not sure I'm one of them... I think I may just be too insecure.

I am so sorry you are dealing with infertility, I know how difficult it can be

I think it is very important to realise that adoption does not "cure" infertility and it is certainly not the right option for everyone.

As an adoptee and an adoptive mum I can tell you that I have "real" parents and birth parents. I think for some people there is a curiosity and a need to make contact with birth families but in my experience nothing replaces the relationship with the parents that raise you.

My son is 20 and we would certainly support him if he wanted to find his birth family.
I am hopeful that I have raised a young man with enough love in his heart for us (his adoptive parents) and his birth parents if that is the path he chooses to take.

Best wishes for your future

Quasar

 

[EMom]

Interesting thread!

As someone struggling with infertility, I'm constantly getting the question "Why don't you just adopt?" I don't have anything against it, and I have several friends with adopted kids (toddlers now) who are really happy. But for ME, I'm just not sure it's a good fit. I think I would be heartbroken if my child suddenly wanted to find his/her "real" parents one day. Or if I had to go through an open adoption where the birth mother was always sort of present. I don't think I could handle it.

I know that some people can handle it just fine, but I'm not sure I'm one of them... I think I may just be too insecure.

I realize it is not politically correct, but we did not want an open adoption. So you are not alone. It is one of the many reasons we went international. I did not want to be "a" mommy, I wanted to be "the" mommy.

We are very open with DD about her information and refer to her birthmother by her first name. We always speak of her in positive terms. So far, DD isn't overly interested in details. Once she is an adult, if she wanted to meet her birthmother, we'd take her to Russia to do that.....although I would likely have one condition. The are investigators who will make contact with the birthmother in a discreet manner and find out whether they welcome contact and if so, how much. Attitudes in Russia toward women who give up their children are very different from here. Often, they have kept it quiet and for a long lost child to show up could be very traumatic and even ruin their lives. If the birthmother wants no contact, I believe we should respect that and be aware there is an enormous cultural difference at play. I used to wonder if I would be hurt if she wanted a meeting, but no more. I am her mother and nothing can change or threaten that.

But you should never adopt unless you really want it. We went through years of infertility, IVF and miscarriages before we adopted. It was horribly painful, but I would go through every bit of it again if that is what it took to bring our DD to us. She is the child we were meant to have.