Unlocking the Heart of Adoption

[horseshowmom]

Interesting thread!

As someone struggling with infertility, I'm constantly getting the question "Why don't you just adopt?" I don't have anything against it, and I have several friends with adopted kids (toddlers now) who are really happy. But for ME, I'm just not sure it's a good fit. I think I would be heartbroken if my child suddenly wanted to find his/her "real" parents one day. Or if I had to go through an open adoption where the birth mother was always sort of present. I don't think I could handle it.

I know that some people can handle it just fine, but I'm not sure I'm one of them... I think I may just be too insecure.

Actually, I think the couple that I'm thinking about would feel the same way. One of them is very interested in adopting, but the other one has some reservations due to experience with a difficult situation, and I think it makes that spouse nervous because of the uncertainties (knowing that things don't always go well).

I was discussing this with a friend who has adopted. He said that he and his wife were very naive when they went into this. He said that he realizes now that things aren't as cut and dried or as simple as giving a child a good home and loving them.

I can understand why it's a difficult and very personal decision.

 

[horseshowmom]

As an adoptee and an adoptive mum I can tell you that I have "real" parents and birth parents. I think for some people there is a curiosity and a need to make contact with birth families but in my experience nothing replaces the relationship with the parents that raise you.

My son is 20 and we would certainly support him if he wanted to find his birth family.
I am hopeful that I have raised a young man with enough love in his heart for us (his adoptive parents) and his birth parents if that is the path he chooses to take.

What a unique perspective! Thank you for sharing.

I realize it is not politically correct, but we did not want an open adoption. So you are not alone. It is one of the many reasons we went international. I did not want to be "a" mommy, I wanted to be "the" mommy.

But you should never adopt unless you really want it. We went through years of infertility, IVF and miscarriages before we adopted. It was horribly painful, but I would go through every bit of it again if that is what it took to bring our DD to us. She is the child we were meant to have.

This actually brought tears to my eyes.

 

[EMom]

What a unique perspective! Thank you for sharing.




This actually brought tears to my eyes.

Well, I mean it. If I had carried even one of those babies and given birth, we would not have turned to adoption. That means we would not have DD and I do not even want to imagine our life without her. The second I laid eyes on her, my heart was healed.

And as someone who went through the gruesomeness of infertility, let me say I hate the question, "Why don't you JUST adopt?" JUST? JUST? JUST?

There's nothing simple, easy, quick or painless about adoption. You don't just run down to the 7-11, select a baby off the shelf, have the checker run it over the scanner, pay and take it home. Yes, everything we went though was worth it, but any time a person puts the word "just" in front of "adoption" I want to throttle them. Generally, they have no clue what is involved. They certainly have no idea that after years of suffering the emotional rollercoaster of infertility, you dread the rollercoaster of adoption. You simply want a baby and wonder why it can't be as easy for you as it seems to be for everybody else.

 

[quasar4legs]

Well, I mean it. If I had carried even one of those babies and given birth, we would not have turned to adoption. That means we would not have DD and I do not even want to imagine our life without her. The second I laid eyes on her, my heart was healed.

Emom, I can totally relate to this sentiment, it sounds like your daughter is just were she needs to be.

I often think that if life had according to our original plan then our son would never have been in our family. I cannot imagine my life without him, he makes our family whole. Of course there are still days when I could cheerfully ring his neck

My mum and my younger sister who are biologically related, are very similar in looks, personality and interests and yet despite these differences or maybe because of them we are all very close.
My mum in her mid 80's always says that I am the 'softness' that would have been missing from the family if I had not been adopted. She makes me feel loved and special.

Best wishes to all

Quasar

 

[LIDisneyFan]

Well, I mean it. If I had carried even one of those babies and given birth, we would not have turned to adoption. That means we would not have DD and I do not even want to imagine our life without her. The second I laid eyes on her, my heart was healed.

And as someone who went through the gruesomeness of infertility, let me say I hate the question, "Why don't you JUST adopt?" JUST? JUST? JUST?

There's nothing simple, easy, quick or painless about adoption. You don't just run down to the 7-11, select a baby off the shelf, have the checker run it over the scanner, pay and take it home. Yes, everything we went though was worth it, but any time a person puts the word "just" in front of "adoption" I want to throttle them. Generally, they have no clue what is involved. They certainly have no idea that after years of suffering the emotional rollercoaster of infertility, you dread the rollercoaster of adoption. You simply want a baby and wonder why it can't be as easy for you as it seems to be for everybody else.

and

Boy you nailed it. And I love friends who (jokingly) tell DW "wow, next time I'll adopt-I couldn't handle another pregnancy". Really?? People have no idea of the rollercoaster.

And yes-if we did not adopt, I would not have the 2 incredible children I have (as much as, since they are teenagers, I want to throttle them sometimes!!) and I could not live with that.

 

[ForTheLoveofDisney]

Well, I mean it. If I had carried even one of those babies and given birth, we would not have turned to adoption. That means we would not have DD and I do not even want to imagine our life without her. The second I laid eyes on her, my heart was healed.

And as someone who went through the gruesomeness of infertility, let me say I hate the question, "Why don't you JUST adopt?" JUST? JUST? JUST?
There's nothing simple, easy, quick or painless about adoption. You don't just run down to the 7-11, select a baby off the shelf, have the checker run it over the scanner, pay and take it home. Yes, everything we went though was worth it, but any time a person puts the word "just" in front of "adoption" I want to throttle them. Generally, they have no clue what is involved. They certainly have no idea that after years of suffering the emotional rollercoaster of infertility, you dread the rollercoaster of adoption. You simply want a baby and wonder why it can't be as easy for you as it seems to be for everybody else.

WELL SAID EMom!! Well said!! We went through years of infertility and testing and treatments and more testing and more treatments. I felt like a lab rat! Finally, after a long time of reflection and grieving, we came to as much peace as we could reasonably have at never seeing ourselves in the face of our child and embraced the notion of adoption. Talk about just as much of a rollercoaster as infertility only to have the mom, in the end, decide that she couldn't go through with it.

"JUST" adopt my foot!!

 

[rie'smom]

I realize it is not politically correct, but we did not want an open adoption. So you are not alone. It is one of the many reasons we went international. I did not want to be "a" mommy, I wanted to be "the" mommy.

We are very open with DD about her information and refer to her birthmother by her first name. We always speak of her in positive terms. So far, DD isn't overly interested in details. Once she is an adult, if she wanted to meet her birthmother, we'd take her to Russia to do that.....although I would likely have one condition. The are investigators who will make contact with the birthmother in a discreet manner and find out whether they welcome contact and if so, how much. Attitudes in Russia toward women who give up their children are very different from here. Often, they have kept it quiet and for a long lost child to show up could be very traumatic and even ruin their lives. If the birthmother wants no contact, I believe we should respect that and be aware there is an enormous cultural difference at play. I used to wonder if I would be hurt if she wanted a meeting, but no more. I am her mother and nothing can change or threaten that.

But you should never adopt unless you really want it. We went through years of infertility, IVF and miscarriages before we adopted. It was horribly painful, but I would go through every bit of it again if that is what it took to bring our DD to us. She is the child we were meant to have.

Ours is a closed adoption as well. The attorney we used would not do open adoptions. When he started handling them, he did. Once though a birth mother started showing up at her birth daughter's school and would hang out in her car at the adoptive parents' home-she was stalking them. They had to go to court, the birth mom was found to be mentally ill. he adoptive family moved away from their town. After that experience, he refused to do any more open adoptions.
When Rie reaches her 18th birthday in Feb, we will help her, however, we will also have an investigator check out the birth mom to make sure she is on the up and up.

Well, I mean it. If I had carried even one of those babies and given birth, we would not have turned to adoption. That means we would not have DD and I do not even want to imagine our life without her. The second I laid eyes on her, my heart was healed.

And as someone who went through the gruesomeness of infertility, let me say I hate the question, "Why don't you JUST adopt?" JUST? JUST? JUST?

There's nothing simple, easy, quick or painless about adoption. You don't just run down to the 7-11, select a baby off the shelf, have the checker run it over the scanner, pay and take it home. Yes, everything we went though was worth it, but any time a person puts the word "just" in front of "adoption" I want to throttle them. Generally, they have no clue what is involved. They certainly have no idea that after years of suffering the emotional rollercoaster of infertility, you dread the rollercoaster of adoption. You simply want a baby and wonder why it can't be as easy for you as it seems to be for everybody else.

I did give birth to our 2 sons. We wanted another child and decided to adopt. There are so many babies who need homes. It is not an easy process. From start to finish, it took us 5 years to get our daughter. The adoption process is also a roller coaster. At one time, we had a birth mother is Honduras. She gave birth to our stillborn twins. That was heartbreaking for her and for us. The agency director we dealt with from the beginning ended up giving us the name of a private adoption attorney something she had never done in the past. We met with him in August, he had a birth mother in October, and we had our daughter in February. I saw her when she was 1 day old and we took her home when she was 1 week old. A couple of days later as I rocked her I thought, "My c section is not hurting this time." It took a second but then DUH, of course, I had not had a section. It showed though that although I had not given birth to her, she felt as much like my natural child as her brothers had. Some ding dongs would say,"Oh, you didn't have to go through labor.". Yes, I did, 5 years worth.

 

[skater]

As a Mom to two adopted boys, I feel that adoption is a wonderful thing. At the same time, it comes out of heartbreak. These kids are available for adoption because of something hard, sad, or tragic. And that biological pull is strong. I talk with my boys almost every day about it if they are open to it. I tell them that adoption is wonderful and healing, but I understand that it is hard and sad at the same time. I also tell them that I believe its not God's first choice for the family (in general), but that He believes in adoption. And because its a sinful world, bad things happen and adoption is a wonderful option - a way that He can bring something good out of something sad.

My oldest son struggles sometimes with it - he always has, but he is doing OK. My youngest does very well with it. Its kind of weird -- he was adopted at an older age - I would have expected him to struggle more. I think its because he has a more flexible personality and tends to adapt to situations better. I'm guessing personality can have something to do with how some of these kids make out in life.

 

[hipchickie]

I am a foster Mom (to babies only) and have gotten a closer view to how it works. In our state, children must be with their "pre" adoptive home at least six months before the full legal adoption. This has been put in place so the family can make sure it is a good match. If it is and the family goes on to adopt, I don't think their chances of a "happy ending" are any less likely than those of us with biological children. Most of the stories I have heard have been positive, but I haven't read any statistics or studies on the subject.

That is the most horrifically misguided policy I have heard in a long time. I am literally sick thinking of the damage to a child who has already dealt with abandonment (and if a child is available for adoption, they have dealt with abandonment - so ALL of them) being put through this.

 

[horseshowmom]

I often think that if life had according to our original plan then our son would never have been in our family. I cannot imagine my life without him, he makes our family whole. Of course there are still days when I could cheerfully ring his neck

My mum and my younger sister who are biologically related, are very similar in looks, personality and interests and yet despite these differences or maybe because of them we are all very close.
My mum in her mid 80's always says that I am the 'softness' that would have been missing from the family if I had not been adopted. She makes me feel loved and special.

Perfectly normal to have those days with all kids!

I love the fact that your family helped you feel such an important part of your family - like we all should feel.

We went through years of infertility and testing and treatments and more testing and more treatments. I felt like a lab rat!

A couple at our church just had a baby this week. They went through a great deal (the wife almost died during one surgery).

I did give birth to our 2 sons. We wanted another child and decided to adopt. There are so many babies who need homes. It is not an easy process. From start to finish, it took us 5 years to get our daughter. The adoption process is also a roller coaster. At one time, we had a birth mother is Honduras. She gave birth to our stillborn twins. That was heartbreaking for her and for us. The agency director we dealt with from the beginning ended up giving us the name of a private adoption attorney something she had never done in the past. We met with him in August, he had a birth mother in October, and we had our daughter in February. I saw her when she was 1 day old and we took her home when she was 1 week old. A couple of days later as I rocked her I thought, "My c section is not hurting this time." It took a second but then DUH, of course, I had not had a section. It showed though that although I had not given birth to her, she felt as much like my natural child as her brothers had. Some ding dongs would say,"Oh, you didn't have to go through labor.". Yes, I did, 5 years worth.

What a sweet example of love! One couple I know who adopted two from Russia had spent years waiting for a baby to adopt in this country. They finally decided to try an international adoption and was able to adopt fairly quickly. Right after they got home with the new baby (less than 2 months later but not sure exactly), they got a call from the local agency. Sooo, they wound up with two babies very close together. Later, they adopted another one from Russia.

As a Mom to two adopted boys, I feel that adoption is a wonderful thing. At the same time, it comes out of heartbreak. These kids are available for adoption because of something hard, sad, or tragic. And that biological pull is strong. I talk with my boys almost every day about it if they are open to it. I tell them that adoption is wonderful and healing, but I understand that it is hard and sad at the same time. I also tell them that I believe its not God's first choice for the family (in general), but that He believes in adoption. And because its a sinful world, bad things happen and adoption is a wonderful option - a way that He can bring something good out of something sad.

My oldest son struggles sometimes with it - he always has, but he is doing OK. My youngest does very well with it. Its kind of weird -- he was adopted at an older age - I would have expected him to struggle more. I think its because he has a more flexible personality and tends to adapt to situations better. I'm guessing personality can have something to do with how some of these kids make out in life.

I would have thought that the older the child was the more difficult it would be, but that doesn't always seem to be the case. I suspect you're right about personality.

 

[jrmasm]

Perfectly normal to have those days with all kids!

I love the fact that your family helped you feel such an important part of your family - like we all should feel.




A couple at our church just had a baby this week. They went through a great deal (the wife almost died during one surgery).




What a sweet example of love! One couple I know who adopted two from Russia had spent years waiting for a baby to adopt in this country. They finally decided to try an international adoption and was able to adopt fairly quickly. Right after they got home with the new baby (less than 2 months later but not sure exactly), they got a call from the local agency. Sooo, they wound up with two babies very close together. Later, they adopted another one from Russia.




I would have thought that the older the child was the more difficult it would be, but that doesn't always seem to be the case. I suspect you're right about personality.

Nothing is ever 100% but I think your assumption is mostly correct.

 

[Disney Doll]

This is so touching and what you really hope for as a parent when you add that child to your family. I can only imagine what a blessing you have been to your parents and siblings.




I do watch it, and, you're right, I've cried more than once.

Regarding your two examples, you wonder what it is that makes the difference.




After you said that, it reminded me of another couple that we are close to. It's kind of funny because I didn't even think about them. They adopted 3 children from foster care (none of them were related prior to adoption). The younger two boys have done well - so well, in fact, that I didn't even think about them regarding adoption! They adore their parents and are well adjusted young men (normal in every way, including getting into normal trouble as they grew up!) They are all out of high school now.

The oldest one had a LOT of issues though and wound up being sent to a facility several years ago (after threatening them with a knife and numerous other serious issues). He was there for several months until he finished high school and was released. He returned home but created a great deal of drama. It was heartbreaking for the parents. This particular child had suffered extreme abuse at the hands of his biological parents, and I have to believe that some of that carried over even though he was less than three at that time. Of course, at least one of the other two had too. You wonder what the difference is.

I think the difference is just like any other people...some people can cope better with things than others.

Think about a prisoner of war, someone like John McCain for example. And I have no intention of making this political, so would appreciate it if no one else did either. We all know the stories of what he suffered while a POW in Vietnam. So how is it that he has been able to come home, regain his footing, and go on to lead what appears to be a pretty good life after suffering that? Yet for someone else, that would have been a life-altering thing that might never have gotten out from under, if you know what I mean. Everyone has different strengths, weaknesses, coping abilities etc.