Ungrateful children

[LakeAriel]

We are not an afluent family and we have scrimped and saved for months to take our 4 kids to WDW this August. We went for the first time last year and loved it so much we're going back - even though we didn't really have the money. Last year we gave each of the kids $100 apiece in spending money. We were hoping to do the same this year but ran into some car trouble and other unexpected expenses. I told the kids that we were still going to Disney for 10 days because the trip is already paid for but that we won't have much spending money this year. I guess I'm foolish but I expected them to say "Don't worry mom, we'll be at Disney! What more can we ask for?" WRONG! They all started pouting and trying to get my husband to sell his beloved hunting equipment so they could have spending money. I tried telling them that we would still have fun and eat great food (free dining) but just wouldn't have much money to blow on junk. It didn't help. The youngest started crying and two others stormed off angrily. I feel like cancelling the trip. Where did I go wrong?

When you taught them that "hunting" was a beloved sport.

 

[cleo]

What a great idea, Michele! Pictures are nearly 'free', they're something you're going to take anyway and you get some wonderful memories out of them that last far longer than the toy or trinket.

I love your post. What a constructive solution to what could otherwise be a big problem.

 

[cleo]

Uh oh....just to add a quick reminder that this ISN'T a thread about the pros and cons of hunting. Let's keep this on track and keep the hunting question out of it, please.

 

[disneynewbee]

I agree with what others have said about encouraging them to save their own money, etc.. But here's what the grammy in me says: 25 years from now they will not remember the stuffed Mickey or the light-up twirly thing. They will remember the fun you had together as a family. And they will realize the sacrifices you made to provide them such an opportunity. PLEASE don't expect them to "get it" now. They're kids. They won't. There's too much temptation all around WDW and it's all overwhelming to them. Just don't let their begging and whining make YOU grumpy. Make sure you keep a "happy heart" while remaining firm and redirecting them to the fun things they are able to do w/o spending $$$.

You can expect their cooperation and respect, but I'm afraid you might have to wait a few years for their gratitude.

Have a magical trip together!

I think you said it wonderfully, I completely agree.

 

[LBelle]

We have raised our 3 sons (21yrs., 18yrs., 10yrs.) to know that if they ASK for 'treats', they will NOT get them! Here's why and this is what they have been told all their lives:

A 'treat' is supposed to be an unexpected 'surprise', something WE decide to do for no particular reason. This only works, of course, if a parent actually DOES provide 'treats' unexpectedly (at a store...you guys want to pick a choc. bar, at the mall...is there any new CD' you would like?, Want to go rent a movie/viedogame?, Hey, we should go pick up that water gun you've been talking about,etc., etc.) They can 'ask' for things only when it comes to 'occasions' (X-mas, B'day, etc.) If they 'want' something at any other time, they can come to us with a plan in mind: if, for example, they want a pair of running shoes that cost $120, we can work out some sort of $/chore exchange or forward their allowance and KEEP TRACK OF IT, etc. We have ensured that they understand that NOTHING in this world is free and that YOU must make decisions as to what you will or will not sacrifice in order to have certain things.

Our kids want for nothing...T.V. in each room, every game system known to man, annual family vacations, registration in sports, etc. They are VERY THANKFUL for all that they DO have and God help any one of them that would pull such an attitude with us regarding what they DON'T have!!!!

Sounds like it's time for a little 'tough love'!!!

P.S. - if I were in your particular situation here's what I would do: TELL the kids that you've cancelled your WDW trip (which, of course, you DON'T) because you didn't want to put them through a trip where they couldn't have $100 each to spend! Make them SWEAT (and they WILL sweat) until a couple of days before you are to leave and THEN tell them that you ARE going and you wanted to teach them a lesson (which is they SHOULD have been thrilled about the TRIP, not disappointed about the $) Trust me, they will be SO HAPPY about the vacation from that point on and will probably be VERY respectful re. souvenirs, etc. once you are in WDW!!

 

[Figment's friends]

I would let them know that if DH was to sell his hunting equipment for money- it would be HIS spending money- not theirs. This should help put the yard sale idea into perspective.

 

[chigirl]

Your first mistake was giving the kids $100 each for souvenirs, that is just insane! How the heck did you even get $400 worth of stuff back on the plane with you??? You stated you scrimped & saved for this trip, did you educate the kids during this process? We scrimped and saved for our first trip last year and while we were doing it, I would tell my kids, "See, dad sold that painting (he's an artist) that is more $$$ for Disney!" or "Look, we saved $20 with these coupons at Jewel, that is more for our trip!", etc...we had a little thermometer up on the fridge with our goal and we'd fill it in, so the kids could see.

They also had a lemonade stand (there is a golf course across from our home, so it was a hit!) where they made $35 for spending cash and they also saved coins and collected golf balls off our lawn and sold those to golfers for extra pocket change. That, plus Disney dollars they received for their birthdays, gave them each $85 to spend. I sold a few old things on Ebay and we got the money for Pal Mickey...so my kids felt the work we all went through to afford this trip and they appreciated it.

Now, this year we are going on settlement money from a house fire that was started by a neighbor kid, nobody was hurt, thank goodness! So the nightmare we went through with that will help us appreciate this year's trip, but that is IT....no more Disney trips.

We are just an average middle class family(now don't say "Who lives on a golf course???" because it is a mixed-income development we live in and our house is average)...with expenses like braces and saving for college, we just can't sock away $4k a year for a trip to WDW. We feel blessed we get to go twice.

I hate to say this, and I am sure I will be flamed, but I think you should cancel your trip. What an extreme recation to cry and storm off. I mean, you're going to WDW for 10 days and you have 4 kids! Plus for them to ask your husband to sell his hunting equipment (and I am not a pro-hunter, min you, but if that is his hobby, fine) is a joke. What sacrifices have THEY made? Being a family is a group effort and everyone needs to contribute and sacrifice.

I still say giving them $100 each last year, though your heart was in the right place, was a mistake!!!! You accidently set up this entitlement attitude.

 

[Cool-Beans]

As a child who stomped off to her room, slammed the door, and cried because her dad refused to buy her Gloria Vanderbilt designer jeans, I have to say it isn't the parent, it is the bratty child.

You didn't go wrong!

They'll grow up just fine (I did! ...I think, anyway) as long as you stick to your guns.

 

[MartDM]

Where did I go wrong?

I believe that setting a precedent of giving them $100 spending money last time is where you went wrong. Or part of where you went wrong I should say. I suspect that is indicative of an overall pattern of your kids receiving things without earning them and having no concept of either the value of a buck or the generosity of you and DH in what you provide to them (vacations & otherwise).

I came from a large non-affluent family and it was always made very clear that just being able to take us on vacation required serious effort and sacrifice on the part of our parents and we always appreciated how lucky we were to even go on a trip & were pleased just to be there. We never asked for any extras but were very grateful if it was in the budget for us to be gifted with a souvenier, treat, or dinner out at a restaurant and thanked our parents profusely. Seems your kids have a serious entitlement complex that needs to be addressed pronto.

I think you need to sit the whole family down and let the kids have it big time. Explain in no uncertain terms exactly how hard it was for you & DH to even make this trip happen and that they are behaving like spoiled ungrateful brats. Explain that the pleasure in this trip should be the fun had with family, not the merchandise acquired while traveling. Let them know that not only will they not be receiving $100, but that their behavior has now cost them any additional generosity you might have been able to share with them on the trip & they now won't be receiving a red cent for anything. Finish up with ideas for how they can earn their own money as an exercise in appreciating the value of hard earned money & help them formulate a plan for earning their own money. If they don't like it, leave them home!

My apologies for being so blunt but, imo, these kids have some tough love coming to them. Sorry they have put such a damper on what should otherwise be a fun family trip. I'm so angry for you!!!

 

[Brooknwdw]

Hi,

I haven't read ALL the posts so forgive me if this is repeats.....

First of all, NOT blaming you in any way but you did set the bar kinda high for yourself by giving them $100 each the first trip. It is only natural that they would assume this would be the same this trip (they are kids after all).

I don't know how old your kids are, so techniques could vary.
However, mine save one dollar of their allowance each week for Disney spending. So far they have saved about $20 each.
We do give them $50 each for souvies (it is built in to our vacation budget, we each get spending money including me & DH) but they do not know this yet. We will wait till right before we leave to say hey... your spending money is $$$, we added $50 to it as a surprise!

If your kids don't get an allowance, they can earn money from you, grandparents, etc by doing odd jobs unless they are really young. The point is teaching them money is earned and saved, doesn't grow on trees.

I like the yard sale idea. I do wonder HOW they got the idea of selling DAD'S stuff for their extra money. I would do something about that kind of thinking!

 

[CanadianPaco]

We sort had the same issue with our second trip to WDW last summer after one the year before. We flat out said that this second trip is about the trip and not about the shopping. No discussion. I put the challenge out there to see what NEW things we can see and do and they did not include shopping. It worked for the most part. Good luck!

 

[Annam26]

This post made me so sad!

I can only imagine how hurt you must have been by your children's reaction

IMO, your first mistake was to give your kids $ 100.00, just like that to spend on your first trip. When I read that I was like , particularly after you said you weren't wealthy people. I've read about millionairs who never gave their little kids that kind of money -precisely because they didn't want to instil in their kids a sense of entitlement

I couldn't imagine anyone giving me $100.00 when I was little. I just can't imagine! We weren't wealthy either, and we knew that. we always
knew that. We knew better than to expect money, or toys on other occassions besides birthdays and Christmas. We knew better than to ask for stuff when we went out. If we got anything, it was a welcome -if unexpected treat.

If I had been given the chance to go to Disney for ONE day as a child , I would have promised my mom not to ask even for water, lol

I can't believe the posts saying your kids reactions were "normal". It would have been normal to be dissapointed, but storming out, and then demanding that you get the money anyway you can is unaceptable. It reeks of a big sense of entitlement.

Take this for what is worth, but if I were you, I would let them know how much they disappointed and hurt you. That you don't owe them the money, or even the trip. The garage sale idea is brilliant.

Like others have said, this is a teachable moment. The worst you can do is to act all apologetic because you can't give them the cash. They acted in a terrible way, but this is a great chance to set them straight.

Good luck, and I hope you have a great trip!

 

[TAKitty]

A yard sale can be a huge undertaking.

As another option, if your kids like to go grocery shopping with you, have them make a sacrifice about the special food items they really want. For instance, my kids love the expensive cereal. If they are willing to eat the discount cereal, whatever the difference is becomes part of their spending money.

It is money I would be spending that they are learning to save/sacrifice for.

I understand that WDW is not about the gifts etc. My two young boys have 30.00 total to spend because they don't see that much they like while there. However, it is nice to let the kids earn money if possible.

 

[bobcat]

I would have been so hurt by that reaction too. You have gotten a wealth of ideas on how the kids , and I say kids because it is their problem not yours, can fix this.

I particularly like the poster that said to give them a choice. In my mind you and your husband are looking forward to this vacation as well so cancelling the vacation isn't an option. By giving them the choice you teach them that life is all about choices, and we choose how we decide to behave. But one thing that no one has mentioned that what ever you decide you must stick to it. If the kids get even a hint that you are going to cave in it won't work. Kids really do like to have boundaries set for them, and I am speaking as not only a parent but also a middle school teacher.

I have two completely opposite kids when it comes to money. My teenage DD is a miser and hates to ask me for anything. She is very appreciative of everything, well most of the time because she is a teenager after all. Her younger brother is the exact opposite. He has a knack for making money, lemonade stands, finding lost dogs etc. but he will be the first to blow it and then want me to give him money. Did I do anything different in raising them? Not really but DD I think remembers the financial hard time we went through and DS doesn't.

Hang in there and stick to your guns!

 

[pamouselover]

Tell them to be thankful that they are still going to disney world and that you could always leave them home and take some of us on here instead!

 

[seven dwarfs]

I have been lurking around these boards for several years and have just desided to join. I am the mother of six children (twins-6, triplets-4, and a baby-2).

We only allow our kids to pick one thing and that is it. If they buy something and change their minds we do not give in to them. It has already taught them so much for such young ages. They take time to think about what they want and are cautious knowing this one thing is it.

Also, last year during our yard sale, I had the kids sell treats. We spent the day before baking cookies and brownies. I had them bag them and price them. Then they had to sell them. It gave them extra spending money and the lesson of money earned is worked for. I wanted them to know it is a lot harder then falling off of trees. It was a good lesson and they enjoyed it.

My kids still sometimes get the "gimmie now" fever and I think it is normal in this day and age but I try to use these times to give them the talk.

 

[snowbunny]

My kids still sometimes get the "gimmie now" fever and I think it is normal in this day and age but I try to use these times to give them the talk.

Thank you...I am amazed at the flames for the OP and calls for her to punish her kids. So she overindulged them one time. What parent can look in the mirror and say they haven't, ever?

The biggest culprit is our culture of gimme, right now, consume consume consume. Which leads to my child's fifth grade classmates having cell phones, $50 t-shirts, and so on. Does my DD get that stuff? Of course not, but that doesn't stop her wanting it.

 

[MastaMind]

Don't worry too much -- all kids do stuff like this -- but that doens't mean I wouldn't come down hard on them.

OK, this is just me, take it for what it's worth, but I would make a huge deal of this -- tell them that if attitudes don't change right now we aren't going. I'd tell them outright how ungrateful they are and that there are kids who never get to go -- kids that never could afford to go -- kids that don't have enough to eat at night!!!! I'd lay it on thick. I'd for sure show them how disappointed I was in them.

Seriously, they aren't bad kids, but you have to use this as a learning experience for them. If you let this one get away, it won't be any better the next time something like this comes up.

Hang tough mom -- no one said this parent stuff was going to be easy!

I agree with this 100%. It is a big deal that they understand that you can't get everything you want in life. Start teaching them this while they are young before they get into financial trouble later in life. Kids will behave this way, but that doesn't mean that they should "get away with it". Well said AP.

 

[graygables]

My DDs have learned gratitude over the years. They watched Veggie Tales Madame Blueberry for starters and her song "A Thankful Heart is a Happy Heart" became our mantra ("I'm glad for what I *have* it's an easy way to start") My youngest 2 are 10 & 7 and we don't give them money, they have to earn it or receive it as gifts from family members. It's their money and they can choose how to spend it (with some guidance). Our last trip, they each had earned $125 and for St. Nicholas Day, we upped it to an even $150 (this was for 10 days including a cruise). They did spend it all, but they spent it wisely and most of what they bought is played with/used several times a week. The Stitch gloves are one of the nearly every day things!

BTW, they earn money by helping at my MIL's house, helping FIL w/ his gardening/crops, helping me do things for my business and sometimes w/ DH, but not as much. We don't do yard sales b/c we prefer to donate toys/clothes.

10yo DD did ask if she would be able to buy youngest DD a b-day present at WDW in August since they hadn't had a chance to save for this trip (it's a last minute, conference-type thing) and I assured her that they both would have at least a little spending money. They are currently going through their pin collections to see what they can trade (that's a fun, can be inexpensive, souvenir, too) this trip and don't know yet that I've bought them 10 pins each from eBay for traders, too. Little bits of magic like that really add up.

I would suggest you be honest with your kids. Tell them you made a mistake handing them a hundred bucks last year and you won't make that mistake again. Explain (again) the financial situation and the concept of family (making sacrifices for the happiness of others) and gratitude (a thankful heart is a happy heart). If they are old enough, I'd suggest having them start a gratitude journal, where they have to write 5 things they are grateful for each day, I'd even encourage that it be 5 things that OTHER kids might NOT have (bike, skating lessons, TV, etc) Try to get them to start thinking of intangibles they are grateful for (Mom who loves me, Dad's job, sunshine). Explain what "entitlement" means and that they AREN'T entitled to anything but food, shelter, and basic clothing. I reminded my older 2 frequently that "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" was reserved for the tax-paying adults, thank you. They are now tax-paying adults and are enjoying their life, liberty, and pursuit WITH the realization that it's a lot of hard work and money does not grow on trees.

I'm also the mom that when my kids scream, "You're the meanest mom in the world" I smile and say, "Thank you! That means I'm doing my JOB"

 

[mickeyfan2]

I am not sure of the kids ages. The kids have over a month to save some money for their vacation. Try ebay, garage sales, helping out others and other ways for the kids to turn things and work into their spending money. They get to spend what they earn.