Ughh.....my daughter was offensive.....

[momof2inPA]

I used the term attacked by the mom's friend. She didn't touch her physically of course. By attacking, I meant yelling at her for a while, probably similiar to what I would do if she was at home and in big trouble. That is what I gathered from the original conversation. I wish she hadn't done that to my child, and I don't think it was appropriate to do to a child you only just m et that day---but I do hope it taught her a lesson, and I think it did.

If she truly yelled at your child, I would discuss this with your friend. It is never appropriate to yell at someone else's child. If she just scolded her, then it would be a ok with me. If I'm not around and my child does something wrong, I expect an adult to reprimand him.

 

[Marseeya]

One other thing that may open a can of worms----my daughter had said that the adults in the car were talking about how "stupid" the worker was and she was tying to be a part of that conversation. She was told, by me, how that is inappropriate and if she can't say something nice, not to say anything at all. I thought that she knew that, but I guess time for another lesson. I am not going to crtiicize the adults, being that the friend's mom is one of my good friends and I DON'T have the whole story, besides the fact that I probably have said the same thing about someone in a time of frustration, but it makes a little more sense to me why my dd would have made that comment in that context. And, it seems a little ironic that I guess to the lady it is okay to make fun of someone for being stupid or poor, but not for not going to college? Again, not that ANY of it is okay.....but people make mistakes. I have corrected my dd's behavior, she has learned from it, and we are gonna move on. Thanks for allt he comments and opinions.

Wow.

Well, I suppose it's a good vocabulary lesson for your daughter! And this, my friends, is the definition of "hypocrite." Can we all use hypocrite in a sentence?

I don't blame you for not wanting to step back into this thread. Can we all use "judgmental" in a sentence? But then, I can afford not to judge. My kids aren't perfect, nor do I expect them to be.

 

[mbw12]

, and I think it did.

One other thing that may open a can of worms----my daughter had said that the adults in the car were talking about how "stupid" the worker was and she was tying to be a part of that conversation. She was told, by me, how that is inappropriate and if she can't say something nice, not to say anything at all. I thought that she knew that, but I guess time for another lesson. I am not going to crtiicize the adults, being that the friend's mom is one of my good friends and I DON'T have the whole story, besides the fact that I probably have said the same thing about someone in a time of frustration, but it makes a little more sense to me why my dd would have made that comment in that context. And, it seems a little ironic that I guess to the lady it is okay to make fun of someone for being stupid or poor, but not for not going to college?

wow.....so it was ok, in that woman's opinion, to call the person 'stupid" , but not ok to say something about the importance of going to college. this defintiely proves that the woman was WAY out of line by yelling at your daughter. She is a hypocrite for mocking the person herself.

I am sure your daughter has learned a valuable lesson about what to say and what not to say.....I am sure this is a good learning experience for her. Unfortunately, I don't think the woman will ever realize that what she did was wrong on many levels.

 

[OceanAnnie]

After reading the new information, it is worse than I thought.

 

[Caradana]

If it was my kid they would be paying for the worker to have dinner and a written and verbal apology would be made to both the worker and the person in the car who was offended. There is no need to berate somone like that regardless if it is a joke or not. My DW went to college and is a manager at Wendy's and makes quite good money so that comment is way out of line IMHO. I went to University and dropped out after 3 years of a 7 year program I just wasn't ready to have to sit in class all the time. I now have an extremly good job working for the second largest bank in Canada so it just goes to show you that even if you do go to post seconday school you may have a career goal that puts you in the fast food industry.

Charles, aha. clever username. So what do you do for Toronto Dominion?

All I can speak to is my own industry (finance), where you need a bachelor's to get a job as an administrative assistant; however, you'll start at $40K. I can speak firsthand to three major companies in finance who start new college grads at $55K + bonus. I'll take any of that over McD's, anyday. Third-year investment banking bonuses this year averaged $66K, so you have literally thousands of 25 year olds with elite bachelors degrees are walking around this year making $150K. I don't think people realize how wide the gulf between degreed and non-degreed has become. Today is not 1970. There are always going to be slackers with Ph.D.s and serious character flaws. There are always going to be millionaires next door who strike magic with tenth-grade educations. But a degree makes your shot at a better life, where you're well-compensated and well-respected for a normal workload that engages your brain, far more likely, and I want my future 12-year-old to know that. If she makes an insensitive joke about it, I'll tell her to cut it out. There are a lot of truths in the world that are inappropriate for humor. Chalk this one up as one of those.

P.S. If another mother goes nuclear on my kid with a relatively minor event like this as provocation, I will defend my daughter like the mama bear I will be, even if she is wrong. She's mine, and I'll lay down in front of the truck for her.

 

[Wishing on a star]

ITA....

We are talking about a 12 year old child here. If indeed another parent 'berated' 'belittled' 'attacked' or otherwise did anything more than a mild correction... (ie. let's not talk like that...) then I WILL be a mama bear.

Children make mistakes.... they have a right to be who they are and make small mistakes without being chastised, berated, etc... by any adult who happens to be around! If it is not NECESSARY for an adult to step in to solve a situation, then they should tread very lightly!

Adults have NO right to think that they should have the obligation, or even the right, to 'teach someone elses child a lesson'!!! Nobody has the right or obligation to teach my child a lesson, but ME.

Tweens are professional at thinking that they know everything that they should, and therefore putting their foot in their mouth trying to sound 'adult'. This, very simply, is no huge offense.

The other mom very obviously took these comments personally, and entered into an adversarial exchange with a CHILD!!! NOT the positive, adult. thing to do.

Even if some posters do find what the DD said a bit offensive (Which I do NOT find it that offensive) this is a matter of opinion... Nobody else has the right to chastise another persons child over an 'opinion'.

 

[Divamomto3]

Thanks. Hubby called friend's mom to check on them and friend's mom relayed the incident. They just dropped DD off and I went outside to talk about it. I think friend's mom thought my dd was out of line and corrected her (as I would want her to do) and then the friend was just so offended. Friend's mom says she loves my daughter and she is sweet and generous and of course kids make mistakes. So I feel better on that front.........and agree that the friend probably had some issues. That said, I am sorry that my daughter offended her, but I do know that she learned her lesson and won't say something like that again.

I cannot believe that they thought that the comment was so offensive that
A) They'd tell your husband during a checking up on you phone call
B) They'd verbally berate your daughter over it
C) They'd feel the need to discuss it at any length at drop off

If this is the most offensive thing these people ever hear, they really need to get out more!! Your poor daughter must feel horrible!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

And I wonder how the restaurant employee would characterize the comment of the 12 year old...."attack" maybe?

Many of them might agree with the comment.

And I agree that many people are worrying about the feelings of the adult and not about the 12yo.

T&B

 

[Divamomto3]

This idea - that the insult doesn't matter because the person it was directed to couldn't hear it - bothers me.

Unkind remarks are no less unkind because the the object of the derision is not around to hear it.

It is never too young for a child to learn kindness and courtesy toward others, and to think before speaking.

THis is very true and I'm not saying I'd be thrilled if my 12 year old said that, but an adult should simply point out that the comment may be offensive to someone that didn't go to college and shouldn't be said. The child shouldn't have been "taken down a peg." Adolescents have enough opportunities to "be taken down a peg" and have their own self esteem and feelings hurt. An adult should know better.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Wow, after reading the last post from the OP I can't believe that adults in the car were calling the worker stupid, but when her DD made her comment she was yelled at. I agree--hypocrite!!!

T&B

 

[Wishing on a star]

I cannot believe that they thought that the comment was so offensive that
A) They'd tell your husband during a checking up on you phone call
B) They'd verbally berate your daughter over it
C) They'd feel the need to discuss it at any length at drop off

If this is the most offensive thing these people ever hear, they really need to get out more!! Your poor daughter must feel horrible!

ITA!!!

One more thing that I cannot believe... that so many parents seem to think that it is good for other adults to correct/chastise their children.

If I were hearing... "I love your DD, and she is so sweet..." etc... I would also be hearing a VERY loud BUT........."

I feel for the OP, and I can see that the friends mom is a friend of the OP that she does not want to 'offend' or jeapordise the friendship. However, this does not make the situation OK. This friend clearly still feels that the DD did such a huge wrong that she is going to have to dig deep to say "Kids make mistakes".... and forgive and forget. For an adult to be so offended by a childs remarks is just not good!

It sounds like the Friend (DD's friends Mom) is very sensitive, and is almost demanding that it is her feelings and her issues that be considered????

My child's feelings come before an adult friends feelings.

NOTE: I am NOT saying that I think the OP should make a big deal out of it!!!! Apparantly the thing seems to be to let this situation 'blow over'.

However, the OP stated that this is not the first time that her DD has found herself in this situation (perhaps with this friend/friends mom????) If this seems to be a recurring problem... I would have NO problem defending my daughter. My child comes first. Period.

 

[AC7179]

I probably wasn't clear, Wishing. It wasn't the friend's mom who was offended, it was the friend's mom's friend. Clear as mud, right? The woman had never met my child before and my daughter will not be allowed to be around her in the future, either, just for safety's sake. The friend's mom is a nice lady and I think was in a pickle over the situation. She was the one to tell my daugher that she loved her and she didn't expect her to be perfect and never make mistakes. That said, I still don't want my daughter to be around her friend. That's cool, though, the friend probably doesn't want to be around my daughter now, either!

 

[WDW Poly Princess]

I think it's all in how the comment was said, as in if she was just trying to make a joke, or if she really meant it in a snobby manner. It sounds to me like the daughter was just trying to be funny and it came out kind of wrong, and that the mother that got mad did so because of how she feels about herself (feeling bad about herself for not having a degree), probably taking it as a personal attack, which I doubt the daughter meant.

I haven't finished college, but I wouldn't have been offended by the remark.

I think it's a matter of sensitivity- sort of like when you make a joke about Disney World rides, and someone gets a shocked face and informs you that their mother was eaten alive by the dolls on Small World. (heh, okay, maybe not that exact topic..)

 

[dis ms.]

Sometimes people who do work at these type of places AMAZE me

They can not comprehend simple things...it's a FACT

I could say the same thing about some executives I know.

 

[O2BNWDW]

Charles, aha. clever username. So what do you do for Toronto Dominion?

All I can speak to is my own industry (finance), where you need a bachelor's to get a job as an administrative assistant; however, you'll start at $40K. I can speak firsthand to three major companies in finance who start new college grads at $55K + bonus. I'll take any of that over McD's, anyday. Third-year investment banking bonuses this year averaged $66K, so you have literally thousands of 25 year olds with elite bachelors degrees are walking around this year making $150K. I don't think people realize how wide the gulf between degreed and non-degreed has become. Today is not 1970. There are always going to be slackers with Ph.D.s and serious character flaws. There are always going to be millionaires next door who strike magic with tenth-grade educations. But a degree makes your shot at a better life, where you're well-compensated and well-respected for a normal workload that engages your brain, far more likely, and I want my future 12-year-old to know that. If she makes an insensitive joke about it, I'll tell her to cut it out. There are a lot of truths in the world that are inappropriate for humor. Chalk this one up as one of those.

P.S. If another mother goes nuclear on my kid with a relatively minor event like this as provocation, I will defend my daughter like the mama bear I will be, even if she is wrong. She's mine, and I'll lay down in front of the truck for her.

Hmmm....where to begin with this one?
So many flaws...so many flaws.

I take it that the ALL the finance industry in the country requires a bachelor's degree for an Admin Asst job?

I just can't even comment on what I find is a ludicrous post.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Hmmm....where to begin with this one?
So many flaws...so many flaws.

I take it that the ALL the finance industry in the country requires a bachelor's degree for an Admin Asst job?

I just can't even comment on what I find is a ludicrous post.

Oh well. To each their own. I didn't see any flaws at all in Caradana's post.

 

[epcotfan]

I cannot believe that they thought that the comment was so offensive that
A) They'd tell your husband during a checking up on you phone call
B) They'd verbally berate your daughter over it
C) They'd feel the need to discuss it at any length at drop off

If this is the most offensive thing these people ever hear, they really need to get out more!! Your poor daughter must feel horrible!

I agree. I also am in awe that some have suggested writing a formal apology letter to the woman. I think there is much ado about nothing in this instance. If the OP's daughter was mine, I'd pick and choose my battles. This is not one of them IMHO.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I probably wasn't clear, It wasn't the friend's mom who was offended, it was the friend's mom's friend.

OHHHHH!!!!!

I still don't want my daughter to be around her friend. That's cool, though, the friend probably doesn't want to be around my daughter now, either!

You are probably right!!!

 

[Marseeya]

I agree. I also am in awe that some have suggested writing a formal apology letter to the woman. I think there is much ado about nothing in this instance. If the OP's daughter was mine, I'd pick and choose my battles. This is not one of them IMHO.

I agree!

I'd want a formal apology if a kid scratched my car or threw a baseball through my window. But if someone offends my delicate sensibilities? I think I'll live to see tomorrow.

I hate that people think they have some divine right to go through life without being offended. I wish I had a nickel for every time someone, especially kids shooting off their mouths, offended me! I could afford many trips a year to WDW with all those nickels.

 

[FayeW]

Well, I've read all 12 pages, and I have to say that I don't know when I've seen such a large group of people who apparently can't read ( and many of them with college degrees, who knew!). The OP was very clear in her first post that the person who berated her daughter was the friend of the friend's Mom, yet people continuously referred to the culprit as "the mom/the other mother" etc., and how she shouldn't be allowed to spend time with her friend because of her mom's actions, etc.

She was equally clear in a subsequent post that the incident had been reported to her husband during a phone call to the friend's mom, checking in on how things were going, yet several posters jumped all over the OP's daughter speculating that she had not told the whole story, that they only had her version of events etc.

Finally, I am stunned at the number of people who apparently didn't read the part where the entire exchange took place in a private vehicle, out of earshot of any employee, and yet they are all concerned about the employee who might have been offended. Sounds to me like it was an off the cuff comment, not directed at anybody in particular, and was an observation on the general efficiency of the service they were receiving from that particular restaurant. To CharlesTD, who suggested that his child would be made to write a letter of apology to the offended employee, and invite him/her to dinner, who exactly would you invite? The entire staff of the restaurant, the hapless individual handing out the bags, the cashier "at the first window", the fry cook, who?? Nobody was offended except an uptight adult with an inferiority complex who apparently was busy calling the staff "stupid" herself. The only thing she objected to was the "college" comment; if the child had said, "Hey, it's not rocket science" or "This isn't brain surgery" this whole discussion wouldn't be taking place.

It is nice to see that despite the apparent difficulty comprehending the written word, many of our DIS participants always consider every word before they speak, and have never (knowingly or unknowingly) said or done anything that was not perfectly politically correct, that may have offended someone, somewhere. And none of them were ever 12 yrs old trying to fit in with adults making fun of frustrating situation ( messed up food orders in a drive thru after a long day shopping!)