Ughh.....my daughter was offensive.....

[LindsayDunn228]

But why??? The child is 12...certainly old enough to hear an adult's displeasure at a comment she made.

The comment was rude. Maybe it was meant as a joke, but it was still offensive to that woman, and she had every right to voice her displeasure. Th OP states that this is the 2nd or 3rd time her DD has made an offensive comment in recent months...perhaps this other parent making a bigger deal out of it will make an impact.

My goodness, what a bunch of self-absorbed little monsters we are creating these days...

I swear...I don;t understand why people think children have to be treated like china dolls.

Standing ovation Disney Doll!

 

[Lorikr65]

And here's the main problem with fast food and other dead-end jobs. They may be an "honest job" bit they are not an "honest living". Oh, no. Far from it. Those jobs do not pay a living wage at all. They are a heartbeat away from "living off the system" while working 40 hours a week at minimum wage. You try it for a month and let me know how you are faring.

I will teach my child that, as a woman, she must be able to fend for herself. She won't be someone's wife first and mother second. That's OK with me in the long run as I am currently a SAHM living off my husband's salary. BUT ... (a big but here) ... she should always be able to provide for her family if/when she needs to. I know I could if I needed to. If that makes me a snob, then I can live with that. So can my DD is another 16 years.

I see your point, but my point is that there's a better way to stress the importance of an education than by putting someone else down. Not to delve in psychology or to at all assume that this relates to you, but people who put other people down are make fun of others are trying to compensate for something they lack (self-esteem, confidence, etc). Please don't take these comments as a direct attack on you, I don't want to offend other Disney lovers - just want to give my point of view!!

My children will be going to school fulltime tomorrow and I've been thinking about going back to work parttime (maybe earn some extra money for Disney!!). If I choose a job at a fast food establishment or at the local supermarket, etc does that make me someone to look down on?? Like the person earlier said "if you look down on these people why let them make your food?"

I grew up with someone who was very wealthy (eventually received a $3 million trust fund). I never heard a rude comment out of her mouth about people who "had to work". She did get an education but hasn't had to use it yet! She was always nice to everyone, and learned early in life that everyone has a job to do. If you think about it very wealthy people could look down on us "working class" saying we "have to work" to pay our bills. I guess I'm trying to show that someone who thinks they are a higher class than others (and may very well be according to societies economical classes) are also a lower class to others. So while one may look down on others for, say working at a fast food establishment, someone else may look down at that person for "only" earning, say $100,000.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Most of us agree that the OPs DD shouldn't have made the comment. The real issue seems to be how the mother reacted. Here we are worrying about the actual comment, but think about what the mother's reaction taught the girl--that a person should blow up and rip apart a child for a inappropriate comment. If the mother had of respectfully stated her views and why then most of us wouldn't have had any issue with how it was handled. I have a heck of a lot more hope that the 12yo will be more careful about what she says and how she says it than I have that the mother will learn to watch her outbursts and how she treats others.

T&B

 

[luvindisneyworld]

But why??? The child is 12...certainly old enough to hear an adult's displeasure at a comment she made.

The comment was rude. Maybe it was meant as a joke, but it was still offensive to that woman, and she had every right to voice her displeasure. Th OP states that this is the 2nd or 3rd time her DD has made an offensive comment in recent months...perhaps this other parent making a bigger deal out of it will make an impact.

My goodness, what a bunch of self-absorbed little monsters we are creating these days...

I swear...I don;t understand why people think children have to be treated like china dolls.

I cannot agree more.We were taught never to say anything about people.We lived with my DGM and DGF and they were from the old school and that was not allowed.We would have had our mouths mashed for something like that.My children will also be taught they better not talk about someone like that.
I cannot believe that people see that comment as funny and not offensive.So flame away.

 

[petchie]

a wonderful book for adults and teenagers to read is Nickel and Dimed in America by Barbara Ehrenreich

From a review on Amazon

NICKEL AND DIMED: ON (NOT) GETTING BY IN AMERICA tells the story of what a privileged and articulate writer experienced when she attempted to live as an "unskilled" working class person. Barbara Ehrenreich spent time in Key West, Maine, and Minnesota holding down jobs as a waitress, nursing home aide, cleaning woman, and Wall-Mart "associate." She attempted to live on the wages these jobs paid--without drawing on her skills as a PhD, author, or lecturer........

She discovered that while no job is truly "unskilled," the low wage jobs that she got made physical demands, some of which could be damaging if performed month after month--even for a physically fit person. She found few no rewards for heroic performance, that "the trick lies in figuring out how to budget your energy so there'll be some left over for the next day" (p. 195). She found that it is nearly impossible to earn enough money to survive on with just a single job, even during the tight labor market of 1999:

"Something is wrong, very wrong, when a single person in good health, a person who in addition possesses a working car, can barely support herself by the sweat of her brow. You don't need a degree in economics to see that wages are too low and rents too high" (p. 199).

 

[OceanAnnie]

Most of us agree that the OPs DD shouldn't have made the comment. The real issue seems to be how the mother reacted. Here we are worrying about the actual comment, but think about what the mother's reaction taught the girl--that a person should blow up and rip apart a child for a inappropriate comment. If the mother had of respectfully stated her views and why then most of us wouldn't have had any issue with how it was handled. I have a heck of a lot more hope that the 12yo will be more careful about what she says and how she says it than I have that the mother will learn to watch her outbursts and how she treats others.

T&B

I agree. Well stated!

 

[momof2inPA]

--that a person should blow up and rip apart a child for a inappropriate comment. If the mother had of respectfully stated her views and why then most of us wouldn't have had any issue with how it was handled.

According to the OP, the woman said that she didn't have a degree, but she had plenty of money, thank you very much, and she didn't need to flip burgers. That doesn't sound like she was ripping apart the girl. She made her point, with a little sarcasm added so the kid could understand (if anyone's seen the 40-Year Old Virgin they might be able to relate). What the lady basically said was that she didn't have a degree and she gets by just fine. The kid was the "bad guy" in this situation, and I don't think a little embarrassment will harm her. It might help her.

 

[Marseeya]

a wonderful book for adults and teenagers to read is Nickel and Dimed in America by Barbara Ehrenreich

How funny, I was going to post that here! I was at B&N yesterday and saw this book... really wanted to buy it, but had to choose other books instead (college reading comes before pleasure reading these days ). I sat down in the cafe and read the first chapter and was totally enthralled.

Is the rest of the book as good?

 

[OceanAnnie]

According to the OP, the woman said that she didn't have a degree, but she had plenty of money, thank you very much, and she didn't need to flip burgers. That doesn't sound like she was ripping apart the girl. She made her point, with a little sarcasm added so the kid could understand (if anyone's seen the 40-Year Old Virgin they might be able to relate). What the lady basically said was that she didn't have a degree and she gets by just fine. The kid was the "bad guy" in this situation, and I don't think a little embarrassment will harm her. It might help her.

That's not the way I read it. Below is more of the quote:

Apparently the mom's friend was very offended by this and pretty much attacked my daughter, telling her that she didn't have a degree and she had plently of money, thank you very much, and didn't have to work at a fast food place. From what I can gather, it turned into a very big deal and the friend was very, very offended.

The mom was wayyy out of line. A discussion would've sufficed.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

That doesn't sound like she was ripping apart the girl. She made her point, with a little sarcasm added so the kid could understand (if anyone's seen the 40-Year Old Virgin they might be able to relate).

My impression was that the mother was quite harsh and defensive. Just because I didn't finish college does not mean that I should be defensive. Speaking for myself--I didn't finish college and am sometimes faced with comments from people. It's my issue to deal with. Am I less of a person because I didn't finish? No! Am I doing well financially, anyway? Yes! Do I wish that I had of stayed on track and finished? Yes! Doesn't make me less of a person, whatever that means. I do tell my children that I hope that they place a priority on getting a college degree. Never do I speak down about anyone who doesn't or someone in a minimum wage job.

T&B

 

[momof2inPA]

Yeah, I think "attack" was a characterization by the OP. The quote of what the woman said doesn't sound like an "attack" at all, but sounds more like a snappy comeback. I wonder how the little darling is faring after the vicious "attack."

 

[OceanAnnie]

Yeah, I think "attack" was a characterization by the OP. The quote of what the woman said doesn't sound like an "attack" at all, but sounds more like a snappy comeback. I wonder how the little darling is faring after the vicious "attack."

It looks like you are being selective in what you are believing from the account. The DD's mother stated she got the information from the source, so I would think she is characterizing it right.

What baffles me is how people can be so vehemently against offending an adult and careful of the adult's feelings, but no concern over the treatment of a child or the child's feelings. It seems contradictory to me.

Children make mistakes it's how they grow. If a child of mine said something like that, I wouldn't mind someone discussing it with them. I would mind an attack.

 

[Sleepy]

Yeah, I think "attack" was a characterization by the OP. The quote of what the woman said doesn't sound like an "attack" at all, but sounds more like a snappy comeback. I wonder how the little darling is faring after the vicious "attack."

And I wonder how the restaurant employee would characterize the comment of the 12 year old...."attack" maybe?

 

[stemikger]

Even though I think what she said sounds snobish. I think we should give her a pass, I mean she is only twelve. Even as adults sometimes we all try to be funny and sometimes it dosen't come out as intended.

You know your daughter better then anyone and if she did say this as a joke then no harm done. But if she said that to insult someone, then you should tell her that there are all types of people in this world and not everyone has the means or desire to go to college and because you do go to college does not mean that you are better then them.

I would two two things talk to your daughter about it and call the women and talk to her about it. Explain that you did not raise your daughter to be an elitiest and she was just making a joke that fell flat. If the women holds it against your daughter then she is being immature herself. Good Luck.

 

[delilah]

Personally, I think an adult should act like an adult, and getting bent out of shape by the 12yo's comment is not really adult behaviour. If I valued the relationship with a child in any way, I would try to discuss with them why making comments about educational level is offensive, and at times, might be dangerous to one's physical well being. Otherwise, if it were a random child I didn't know, I would bite my tongue and let it go. Children or teens making insulting comments is not all that uncommon. When I was that age, my mom would take me aside, and explain why I said was wrong, as would certain adults involved in my upbringing. I would do the same for my son, nieces and nephews, my sons friends and classmates. I might talk to a parent if it were somebody else.

 

[momof2inPA]

It looks like you are being selective in what you are believing from the account. The DD's mother stated she got the information from the source, so I would think she is characterizing it right.

I'm betting that "attack" was the mom's characterization, not the friend's. It sounds like someone being defensive of their daughter, and I doubt the friend would feel that way.

I see the kid's comments like someone criticizing the maid as soon as she leaves the room, or making fun of someone with a disability. It's not ok to make those comments, whether in ear shot or not. I saw the woman's comments as instructive/reprimanding. We, as adults, have a duty to teach children when they step out of line, and the girl was not with her mother.

My nephew as a teen once made some dumb comments about Hitler being a good leader and being right in killing the handicapped. Shocking, isn't it? His other aunt who was there said, "Teenagers say stupid things." Well, as a person who has a develpmentally disabled sister, who was deprived of oxygen at birth, I RIPPED that kid up and down. I hope he learned something, and I hope he remembers it. He still talks to me, and he seems to be turning out ok.

The girl's comment in this situation was more benign, but I can understand where it might have hurt that lady's feelings as much as my nephew's hurt mine- and her comeback was MUCH nicer than mine.

 

[AC7179]

Thanks for all the responses. This will probvably be my last response unless something else happens.

The mom of my dd's friend did gently correct her and tell her why she shouldn't say something like that and how it may be offensive to others. She also told her she wasn't mad at her, and that she is a child and part of being a child is learning things like this, and if she learned her lesson then that's all that mattered. That is probably exactly how I would have handled the situation myself. I want to make clear that I didn't find her comment cute or funny at all........I realize it was in bad taste and she shouldn't have said it.

I used the term attacked by the mom's friend. She didn't touch her physically of course. By attacking, I meant yelling at her for a while, probably similiar to what I would do if she was at home and in big trouble. That is what I gathered from the original conversation. I wish she hadn't done that to my child, and I don't think it was appropriate to do to a child you only just m et that day---but I do hope it taught her a lesson, and I think it did.

One other thing that may open a can of worms----my daughter had said that the adults in the car were talking about how "stupid" the worker was and she was tying to be a part of that conversation. She was told, by me, how that is inappropriate and if she can't say something nice, not to say anything at all. I thought that she knew that, but I guess time for another lesson. I am not going to crtiicize the adults, being that the friend's mom is one of my good friends and I DON'T have the whole story, besides the fact that I probably have said the same thing about someone in a time of frustration, but it makes a little more sense to me why my dd would have made that comment in that context. And, it seems a little ironic that I guess to the lady it is okay to make fun of someone for being stupid or poor, but not for not going to college? Again, not that ANY of it is okay.....but people make mistakes. I have corrected my dd's behavior, she has learned from it, and we are gonna move on. Thanks for allt he comments and opinions.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I'm betting that "attack" was the mom's characterization, not the friend's. It sounds like someone being defensive of their daughter, and I doubt the friend would feel that way.

Well, from what I read the DD's mom wasn't defensive. She was dismayed and upset by what her daughter said. She was afraid she lost a friend over it. She didn't come across as defensive at all. She said the friend told her about it and it was a very big deal. The mother apologized if I remember correctly.

There are constructive ways of getting a point across. IMO, If it is done in a meanspirited way you've lost your audience.

Basically, it seems like the friend set out to demean the 12 yr. old just as she felt she was demeaned. And that is not right in my book. She is the adult. I would expect more of an adult in this situation.

 

[lbgraves]

One other thing that may open a can of worms----my daughter had said that the adults in the car were talking about how "stupid" the worker was and she was tying to be a part of that conversation. .......... And, it seems a little ironic that I guess to the lady it is okay to make fun of someone for being stupid or poor, but not for not going to college? Again, not that ANY of it is okay.....but people make mistakes. I have corrected my dd's behavior, she has learned from it, and we are gonna move on. Thanks for allt he comments and opinions.

THAT is exactly what I was referring to in my last post about what was said in the car as the result of the mistake before your DD made her comment. With this information I think that the woman who reprimanded your DD is a hypocrite ... pure and simple. If your DD had said something along the same lines that she did about how stupid the workers were, would that have been OK? I'm sure that she didn't apologize for her comments. IMO this just proves that the mother has a huge chip on her shoulder & should be making the apology to your DD, NOT the other way around.

 

[luvindisneyworld]

One other thing that may open a can of worms----my daughter had said that the adults in the car were talking about how "stupid" the worker was and she was tying to be a part of that conversation. She was told, by me, how that is inappropriate and if she can't say something nice, not to say anything at all. I thought that she knew that, but I guess time for another lesson. I am not going to crtiicize the adults, being that the friend's mom is one of my good friends and I DON'T have the whole story, besides the fact that I probably have said the same thing about someone in a time of frustration, but it makes a little more sense to me why my dd would have made that comment in that context. And, it seems a little ironic that I guess to the lady it is okay to make fun of someone for being stupid or poor, but not for not going to college? Again, not that ANY of it is okay.....but people make mistakes. I have corrected my dd's behavior, she has learned from it, and we are gonna move on. Thanks for allt he comments and opinions. [/QUOTE]


Well this makes me really Mad.How dare that woman talk about the person and turn around and reprimand your DD,That is Ridiculous.She is a HYPOCRITE plain and simple.I would be calling the mom and getting to the bottom of that situation.I definetly believe your DD was playing off of what the supposed Adults were saying.
I would also think about not letting my DD spend anymore time around that woman.If she is gonna talk about people like that then that is definetly not what I would want my child hearing.OK, I am gonna shut up now,This totally blows my mind.