Tweenage drama queens

[NHdisneylover]

It doesn't sound to me like she was punished. And I highly doubt this was the first time she 'had a screaming fit'.

I absolutely agree that the OPs tone sounds like she may well think it is funny/cute and thereby be encouraging it. Other than that though, I really do not see that it is bad that the child has learned to take her self out of the situation to get more control of her emotions (went to her room herself). On the other hand, Mom should not have been letting the situation happen by engaging in a conversation about things that may or may not happen 7 or more years ion the future. Basically I think the OP could have absolutely handled the situation better--I just don't think that this one thing happening means the OP was a bad parent for the past 6 years as golfgal insinuated.

Again, even in puberty tantrums are not acceptable here. I think the last tantrum we had was when one of the twins was 3.

Yes, because your kids got to learn how to handle overwhelming emotions by three because they DID have tantrums and meltdowns then. Not all kids learn that as toddlers--because they do not have ANY tantrums at that age. Lucky you that your got it over with when they were small and easier to handle and lucky them that you stood firm and helped them learn to be responsible and calm people.

 

[jrmasm]

I absolutely agree that the OPs tone sounds like she may well think it is funny/cute and thereby be encouraging it. Other than that though, I really do not see that it is bad that the child has learned to take her self out of the situation to get more control of her emotions (went to her room herself). On the other hand, Mom should not have been letting the situation happen by engaging in a conversation about things that may or may not happen 7 or more years ion the future. Basically I think the OP could have absolutely handled the situation better--I just don't think that this one thing happening means the OP was a bad parent for the past 6 years.

Then what the hell are we arguing about?

 

[NHdisneylover]

Then what the hell are we arguing about?

It is the DIS; we are supposed to argue

 

[mjkacmom]

You sure about that?
And please, tell me where I was judgemental? I wasn't.

"Admittedly, Dd is very easy. She is very sensitive, but overall an easy child. However, again the barricading me out of the room would not go over well. The door would come off, period. And the screaming at me? Wouldn't happen too often again. Do I think misbehaving children are a reflection of their parents? Honestly, sometimes."

The above quote is yours. I don't assume misbehaving children are a reflection of their parents. Just because my kids don't scream at me doesn't mean it's because of my superior parenting - maybe I'm just lucky. Maybe if you had another child, that child would continue to scream at you, regardless of how you handled it.

 

[sunnyday123]

"Admittedly, Dd is very easy. She is very sensitive, but overall an easy child. However, again the barricading me out of the room would not go over well. The door would come off, period. And the screaming at me? Wouldn't happen too often again. Do I think misbehaving children are a reflection of their parents? Honestly, sometimes."

The above quote is yours. I don't assume misbehaving children are a reflection of their parents. Just because my kids don't scream at me doesn't mean it's because of my superior parenting - maybe I'm just lucky. Maybe if you had another child, that child would continue to scream at you, regardless of how you handled it.

Yes but the word "sometimes" means just that. SOMETIMES. SOMETIMES it is the fault of the parent for letting them get away with something they think is funny or cute, and SOMETIMES it's just the kids personality.

And no matter how many children I have, they would not continue to scream at me. See my quote again where I said it wouldn't happen TOO OFTEN again. That means it might happen, but hopefully they'd have the sense to remember the punishment that occured the last time they did it, and would think twice. If not, they would be punished again.

Children have different personalities and temperments, however it doesn't give them a green light to act out or behave irrationally.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Yes but the word "sometimes" means just that. SOMETIMES. SOMETIMES it is the fault of the parent for letting them get away with something they think is funny or cute, and SOMETIMES it's just the kids personality.

And no matter how many children I have, they would not continue to scream at me. See my quote again where I said it wouldn't happen TOO OFTEN again. That means it might happen, but hopefully they'd have the sense to remember the punishment that occured the last time they did it, and would think twice. If not, they would be punished again.

Children have different personalities and temperments, however it doesn't give them a green light to act out or behave irrationally.

Hey--your "sometimes" and other posts did make sense to me. I agree that sometimes it is bad parenting (or lack of any "parenting") and sometimes it is personality. Sometimes it is even both. I just didn't like the one poster's continued assertions that ANY child who has a melt down past about age 3 has clearly had bad parents. It is just not always possible to prevent these things 100% of the time. Don't we pretty much all wish it were? What I really hate is seeing parents ignore (encourage) bad behaviour in public. Even if ignoring it is generally the best way to handle it with your kid you still do not have the right to inflict your child yelling, screaming, etc on others at a restaurant, in a movie, on a plane (no you cannot leave a flight--but you can darn well keep trying to settle a child/keep him from kicking the seatback, etc), etc. Maybe we can all find some common ground agree that we are glad the OP and her daughter discussed her teen computer use and the DD had her fit in the privacy of her own home! I bet OP is glad it was not in public too.

 

[mjkacmom]

Hey--your "sometimes" and other posts did make sense to me. I agree that sometimes it is bad parenting (or lack of any "parenting") and sometimes it is personality. Sometimes it is even both. I just didn't like the one poster's continued assertions that ANY child who has a melt down past about age 3 has clearly had bad parents. It is just not always possible to prevent these things 100% of the time. Don't we pretty much all wish it were?

Sometimes it is the fault of the parents, but unless I know them personally, I'll give the benefit of the doubt, and think that the kid is just high maintanence. Just because my kids don't act a certain way doesn't mean another kid acting a certain way is caused by poor parenting. When I had my first, I was pretty judgemental, but with each child, I was proved wrong (such as thinking that if you expose children to a wide variety of food early on, they won't be picky eaters! ).

 

[sunnyday123]

Hey--your "sometimes" and other posts did make sense to me. I agree that sometimes it is bad parenting (or lack of any "parenting") and sometimes it is personality. Sometimes it is even both. I just didn't like the one poster's continued assertions that ANY child who has a melt down past about age 3 has clearly had bad parents. It is just not always possible to prevent these things 100% of the time. Don't we pretty much all wish it were?

Lol...my Mom has always told me, "Pick the hill you want to die on!" When DD was 4 she wanted pink hair. Fine. When you're 27. And it was done.

All kids have meltdowns, it's just how you respond to them that matters! If anyone knows how to prevent them past 3 ( which incidentally is when my DD started them!) other than having them fling themselves onto concrete-which DD did, they need to patent it and sell it. I think I may have even had a meltdown this past weekend...

 

[sunnyday123]

Sometimes it is the fault of the parents, but unless I know them personally, I'll give the benefit of the doubt, and think that the kid is just high maintanence.. Just because my kids don't act a certain way doesn't mean another kid acting a certain way is caused by poor parenting. When I had my first, I was pretty judgemental, but with each child, I was proved wrong (such as thinking that if you expose children to a wide variety of food early on, they won't be picky eaters! ).

Isn't this what you accused me of? As the parent of an only child, I do not find myself judgemental-unless it's obvious. ( Like my nephew who is 4 purposely coloring on walls, and his parents letting him because it's "easier" than deailng with him) When you get down to it, sometimes it just IS bad parenting.

 

[Ride Junkie]

NHdisneylover - I agree with a lot of what you've posted. I'm reading a book right now that has strategies for dealing with tantrums. Instead of feeding into their hissy fit & blowing up, you just calmly say something like, "Looks like someone needs time in their room. Feel free to have your fit, we'll see you when you're calm again." If they resist going to their room, you offer them two choices: "Would you like to walk to your room, or would you like me to carry you?"

My little one is only a year old, so we haven't gotten to the point of discipline yet. At this point we're just trying to keep her away from the electrical outlets. But I think the strategies mentioned in the book (offering them a choice, either of which you are willing to enforce) sound like good ideas. This is my first one so we'll see if it works.

 

[declansdad]

OP - get control now or I see jail time in the future. On the other had too much control and I see terrible college years; drinking carousing, tattoos, piercings and much much more.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Sometimes it is the fault of the parents, but unless I know them personally, I'll give the benefit of the doubt, and think that the kid is just high maintanence. Just because my kids don't act a certain way doesn't mean another kid acting a certain way is caused by poor parenting. When I had my first, I was pretty judgemental, but with each child, I was proved wrong (such as thinking that if you expose children to a wide variety of food early on, they won't be picky eaters! ).

Lol...my Mom has always told me, "Pick the hill you want to die on!" When DD was 4 she wanted pink hair. Fine. When you're 27. And it was done.

All kids have meltdowns, it's just how you respond to them that matters! If anyone knows how to prevent them past 3 ( which incidentally is when my DD started them!) other than having them fling themselves onto concrete-which DD did, they need to patent it and sell it. I think I may have even had a meltdown this past weekend...

NHdisneylover - I agree with a lot of what you've posted. I'm reading a book right now that has strategies for dealing with tantrums. Instead of feeding into their hissy fit & blowing up, you just calmly say something like, "Looks like someone needs time in their room. Feel free to have your fit, we'll see you when you're calm again." If they resist going to their room, you offer them two choices: "Would you like to walk to your room, or would you like me to carry you?"

My little one is only a year old, so we haven't gotten to the point of discipline yet. At this point we're just trying to keep her away from the electrical outlets. But I think the strategies mentioned in the book (offering them a choice, either of which you are willing to enforce) sound like good ideas. This is my first one so we'll see if it works.

Hey agreement It is like the Twilight Zone has come to the CB
Sunnyday--I love the pink hair when you are 27 (I would let them have pink hair now--but that is me and there are other things I think 27 sounds perfect for)
Ride Junkie--sounds like a good book The only problem is if they do not melt down/tantrum until they are older. DD was (as before mentioned) 7 and I want to say DS was 10. It gets hard to physically carry them to a room by then Then I use a threat (well only once was it needed). You can go to your room now and come out once you are calm or I will leave so I do not have to hear it and when I get back I take all of your books (this is the biggest threat you can hand my DD). She went to her room--mission accomplished. DS's issue is that he has always known he needs space sometimes and just gone off on his own to get it--lately people have tried to follow him and ask him what is wrong or want to talk about whatever right then. He has actually said "I just need some space right now" they continue to pester him. At that point he LOST it: screaming to "Get out, get out, get out" and then slamming the door when they did leave. Pretty much played out the same with grandpa and with a family friend. On the one hand I was mortified and on the other I feel like they pushed when he started off being respectful and just telling them what he needed. In the end I did not get mad at him (he was mad enough at himself after) and just told him to try to hold it together long enough to come get me, his dad or his big sister is that happens again and we will advocate for him when he is that close to losing it. Hopefully there will be no next time but we will see if there is how it goes. Sometimes parenting is a trial and error kind of thing (for me anyway).

 

[NHdisneylover]

OP - get control now or I see jail time in the future. On the other had too much control and I see terrible college years; drinking carousing, tattoos, piercings and much much more.

 

[Ride Junkie]

Ride Junkie--sounds like a good book The only problem is if they do not melt down/tantrum until they are older. DD was (as before mentioned) 7 and I want to say DS was 10. It gets hard to physically carry them to a room by then

Good point...So I guess I should hope for tantrums early on!
If only they came with an instruction manual.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Good point...So I guess I should hope for tantrums early on!
If only they came with an instruction manual.

There is just something so wrong about hoping for tantrums at ANY age

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

great read everyone! This has been one of the better threads lately! Keep it up.




Team NHdisneylover

 

[NHdisneylover]

great read everyone! This has been one of the better threads lately! Keep it up.




Team NHdisneylover

Should we keep up the actual parenting debate or the silly banter? I am up for either (or both)

 

[Tiggernut_jadie]

I think what most people are reacting to is that the OP seems to find her daughter's behavior cute. And she never mentioned any punishment for her bad behavior.

Mine aren't perfect. They misbehave. They push limits. And it's not cute. And they are punished. Doesn't mean they never do it again. It just means there always consequences.

But what the hell do I know? I only have 2.

Well obviously as the mother of an only child I have no rights whatsoever to comment according to some BUT I do agree with what you've said above. My DD has had her fair share of tantrums but at no point did I think it was cute or amusing and if she EVER barricaded herself into her room the door would be removed until she could be trusted to have it back. My DD is not perfect but there are some things that will not be tolerated in my home...end of!

Oh and BTW...my DD is an only child but I brought up my niece from the age of 18 months when her mother's health deteriorated and she is now a wonderful 20 year old who works with people with severe learning disabilities.

Oh and did I also mention I work as a specialist practitioner for people with special needs including ASD, ADHD and other developmental delay disorders, providing advice and support for families in dealing with behaviour problems....but then, as I said, I only have one child so I'm not really in a position to comment obviously!!!!

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

Should we keep up the actual parenting debate or the silly banter? I am up for either (or both)

Both is good, or either

 

[gina2000]

None of you guys have ever laughed at your kids' tantrum behind their backs? I have put on the stern face and insisted that my son follow my rules but have busted a gut laughing after he went to serve his punishment.

And sometimes I do think tantrums are funny, cute, slightly hysterical. We talk about the hill to die on as far as the parents are concerned....but the child has just chosen a hill to die on. And what is more ridiculous than a hill that still has seven years to grow/shrink/change?

OP, you sent her to her room. She barricaded herself...clearly a dangerous and disobedient move. Talk to her about the danger of what she did. Talk to her about the inappropriateness of it. Remind her who the boss is.

I've never met a practically perfect in every way child yet. We don't grow 'em that way....but we do strive to help them master a few important lessons.

And I'd never, ever remove a door from my home unless the child was dealing drugs, into porn, or doing something completely inappropriate and dangerous. I just think it's humiliating and humiliation doesn't make for good long term relationships.