Tweenage drama queens

[mjkacmom]

On the other hand, I have almost as little tolerance for people with relatively "easy" kids who see any transgression by an older child as a reflection on the parents and who pat themselves on the back for being the perfect parent instead of thanking their lucky stars they got naturally compliant kids. I think parenting is a tough job and we all need to step up to the plate and do it. I think misbehavior kids must be removed from situations in which they impact others. I also think some kids are much harder to raise than others and sometimes excellent parents still have children who behave poorly once is a while as 6 year olds or as teens.

If I only had #2, #3, and #4, I would've said that parenting is the easiest job on earth!

 

[golfgal]

Your posts indicate (but do not flat out say it, you are right) that your children always behave perfectly as teens because you did such a good job parenting them as youngsters. You say "they got the message by 6"--indicating that they have not lost their tempers ever since then
I am with you that I have little tolerance for lazy parents who let bad behaviour go because it is easy to do so or they think it is cute or whatever and that does spell disaster in later years. I agree that engaging in drama, letting the screaming or door slamming or whatever go, etc is not a good idea and will be problematic. On the other hand, I have almost as little tolerance for people with relatively "easy" kids who see any transgression by an older child as a reflection on the parents and who pat themselves on the back for being the perfect parent instead of thanking their lucky stars they got naturally compliant kids. I think parenting is a tough job and we all need to step up to the plate and do it. I think misbehavior kids must be removed from situations in which they impact others. I also think some kids are much harder to raise than others and sometimes excellent parents still have children who behave poorly once is a while as 6 year olds or as teens.

Honestly, our twins have been grounded ONCE since 6th grade-they are going into 10th grade now and DS18 not at all. Because they know we mean what we say it pretty much just takes a look from one of us to let them know they are getting close to that line. DS18 was a handful as a toddler and needed a lot of time in his room but he learned how to behave. He still has his moments but he knows if he is feeling crabby and either just doesn't talk to people or goes and hangs out in his room until he feels better. Point being, they recognize these things and DEAL with it without taking it out on us.

How did the OP allow this? The child went to her room - when my dd lost control of her emotions, she was sent to her room to work it out. It was a very good method of coping for her. Fortunately for me, none of her siblings had the same problem - all kids are different. For children who tend to be over-emotional, it's scary for them. It's not a matter of giving them a list of punishments, it's a matter of giving them the tools to overcome their issues. If you've never had a child with this problem, consider yourself lucky (she got some counselling, too). Fortunately, apparently the way we handled it worked beautifully, and she is a delightful teenager.

Because by age 6 a child should know that they are NOT allowed to scream at people, especially their parents. I seriously doubt this was the first time they have had this happen. Our oldest was and still is VERY emotional, the difference is that by age 6 he recognized it and separated himself so he DIDN'T get into trouble because being grounded or whatever wasn't fun.

 

[golfgal]

Your posts indicate (but do not flat out say it, you are right) that your children always behave perfectly as teens because you did such a good job parenting them as youngsters. You say "they got the message by 6"--indicating that they have not lost their tempers ever since then
I am with you that I have little tolerance for lazy parents who let bad behaviour go because it is easy to do so or they think it is cute or whatever and that does spell disaster in later years. I agree that engaging in drama, letting the screaming or door slamming or whatever go, etc is not a good idea and will be problematic. On the other hand, I have almost as little tolerance for people with relatively "easy" kids who see any transgression by an older child as a reflection on the parents and who pat themselves on the back for being the perfect parent instead of thanking their lucky stars they got naturally compliant kids. I think parenting is a tough job and we all need to step up to the plate and do it. I think misbehavior kids must be removed from situations in which they impact others. I also think some kids are much harder to raise than others and sometimes excellent parents still have children who behave poorly once is a while as 6 year olds or as teens.

Do you think that just maybe parents with "relatively easy" kids have kids like that because they WORKED at it when the kids were little? Our oldest was NOT an easy kid. Yes, our twins were pretty easy kids but a lot of that came from them seeing DS18 get in trouble for NOT being an easy kid.

 

[sunnyday123]

I wouldn't want to punish my child for being upset or overwhelmed. Heck, it seems like my 19 YO is upset with me everyday. To me, tears aren't a tantrum. Yelling, slamming doors, locking mom out of room are tantrum. Its not the upset part that I would punish, it's the acting out.

That's my point as well. I don't see anyone on here saying their kids are perfect, heck they all have tantrums. DD had them around 3-4-full out throwing herself on the floor, kicking and screaming. I would simply walk away from her and tell her to come get me when she was done. The last one was outside-on the porch-and I told her not to throw herself down on concrete because it would hurt. And it did. Never had another one!

Admittedly, Dd is very easy. She is very sensitive, but overall an easy child. However, again the barricading me out of the room would not go over well. The door would come off, period. And the screaming at me? Wouldn't happen too often again. Do I think misbehaving children are a reflection of their parents? Honestly, sometimes. Too many parents give in if their kid is screaming and making a scene, or just brush off behavior as "he's onery, just a boy," etc. Parenting is tough, and you have to be consistent and have consequences. You also have to pick your battles, and discussing with a 6 yr old the location of a computer 10 years in the future is a silly one. I've worked hard and been consistent with DD from day one-and I'm proud of who she's becoming, and I know if she didn't have rules to follow, she'd be a much different kid.

 

[mjkacmom]

Because by age 6 a child should know that they are NOT allowed to scream at people, especially their parents. I seriously doubt this was the first time they have had this happen. Our oldest was and still is VERY emotional, the difference is that by age 6 he recognized it and separated himself so he DIDN'T get into trouble because being grounded or whatever wasn't fun.

Some children are able to cope at 6, and some are still learning later on. Just because your child learned by 6 doesn't mean that ALL children learn by 6, regardless of how they were parented. You might think your oldest wasn't the easiest to parent, but he might of been a piece of cake compared to some other kids. Heck, I know some kids who make my oldest seem easy. Even the most perfect parent can end up with a difficult child, and have a much harder time. You only have 3.

 

[jrmasm]

Some children are able to cope at 6, and some are still learning later on. Just because your child learned by 6 doesn't mean that ALL children learn by 6, regardless of how they were parented. You might think your oldest wasn't the easiest to parent, but he might of been a piece of cake compared to some other kids. Heck, I know some kids who make my oldest seem easy. Even the most perfect parent can end up with a difficult child, and have a much harder time. You only have 3.

I think what most people are reacting to is that the OP seems to find her daughter's behavior cute. And she never mentioned any punishment for her bad behavior.

Mine aren't perfect. They misbehave. They push limits. And it's not cute. And they are punished. Doesn't mean they never do it again. It just means there always consequences.

But what the hell do I know? I only have 2.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Do you think that just maybe parents with "relatively easy" kids have kids like that because they WORKED at it when the kids were little? Our oldest was NOT an easy kid. Yes, our twins were pretty easy kids but a lot of that came from them seeing DS18 get in trouble for NOT being an easy kid.

Absolutely that helps but it is not all. See the poster above whose last three were much easier than her first.

An example: DD never once threw a tantrum as a toddler or preschooler. Truly. She was the easiest toddler ever (and DS was almost as easy). I had worked in toddler rooms in preschool all through college and was stunned by how easy they were. All I ever had to do was say no--or just set the expectation of what we were doing in the first place and they didn't stray from it. I could predict they would behave too. We ate out a lot (lived in hotels for 6 weeks when DD was not quite two and for three months when they were 1 1/2 and 3 1/2 so LOTS of dinners out), flew often (often first class) and I was able to be confident that they would be quiet, not kick the seats in front of them, etc. I did a lot of things right but they were also naturally easy at those ages. DD melted down into clearly terrified sobs when left with babysitters the first couple years of her life and broke out in hives when she had to take a bottle when I had emergency surgery and could not nurse her for a week at 4 months but otherwise we had no indicators of how emotional she would sometimes be. At 7 (yes 7 was the first real melt down EVER--so no we had NOT had any prior experience with it with her and she had NOT had any experience coping with it and knowing how to handle it appropriately) she ran into learning something that she did not pick up immediately (I know that sound pompous but I do not know how else to say it--she is a very bright little thing). She freaked out. She cried. She screamed. I think she threw a pencil. I was astounded by this poutburst because she had never, ever, not even once as a toddler acted this way. I knew I needed to remain calm and I knew she was too out of control to handle anything so I just put her in her room and told her to come out when she regained control of herself. Afterwards we talked. We talked about how throwing things is not okay. We talked about some coping strategies she could use. We talked (a lot, because she needed the reassurance) about the fact that she was not stupid or a failure because she did not get something instantly--how that is normal Since then she has learned to handle not getting things instantly (she handled moving to a country where she did not know the language and having to do school in that language while learning--oh and catching up to her class in 5th year French taught from German which she was also just learning) with only a few melt downs-and manage to hold it in until she got home to melt down. It wasn't an instant process though--and since we never even ran into the issue until she was 7 it did not all happen when she was in preschool. So I guess by your book we are lazy parents because we did not somehow teach her how to handle these feelings as a toddler when none of us (her included) knew then she would encounter them as an older child.

You know, it really does sound like you are a great parent. I compliment you on PARENTING--too many people do not bother these days. I just think you are too quick to condemn every other parent out there whose kids do not act just like yours.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think what most people are reacting to is that the OP seems to find her daughter's behavior cute. And she never mentioned any punishment for her bad behavior.

Mine aren't perfect. They misbehave. They push limits. And it's not cute. And they are punished. Doesn't mean they never do it again. It just means there always consequences.

But what the hell do I know? I only have 2.

and I think most of us agree that is wrong (thinking it is cute). I think sending her to her room was punishment I agree she needs to at least be made aware that future barricading of doors, etc will merit punishment (or be punished if this is a repeat beahviour). I just don't agree with the assertion that the tantrum would never have happened at all if mom had only done a better job with the girl as a toddler.

 

[mjkacmom]

That's my point as well. I don't see anyone on here saying their kids are perfect, heck they all have tantrums. .

Just a FYI, as I see you only have one - not all kids have tantrums. My point is, all kids are different. The more kids I had, the less judgemental I became. My most difficult child (so far - I've found that each child can be easier or harder, depending upon the different stages) was my easiest baby. I didn't know how easy she was until #2 (my hardest baby) was born. I agree that there are parents out there who take the easy way out, and don't discipline their children, but I also see great parents who have children that are more difficult.

 

[mjkacmom]

At 7 (yes 7 was the first real melt down EVER--so no we had NOT had any prior experience with it with her and she had NOT had any experience coping with it and knowing how to handle it appropriately) she ran into learning something that she did not pick up immediately (I know that sound pompous but I do not know how else to say it--she is a very bright little thing). She freaked out. She cried. She screamed. I think she threw a pencil..

OMG - this was my oldest, and it happened for the first time in 4th grade. It was the first time she didn't understand something in school (very bright - high honor student now). It wasn't the last time, either. Finally, in 7th grade, she understood that it was okay not to get something immediately, to remain calm, and she would be able to understand.

 

[jrmasm]

and I think most of us agree that is wrong (thinking it is cute). I think sending her to her room was punishment I agree she needs to at least be made aware that future barricading of doors, etc will merit punishment (or be punished if this is a repeat beahviour). I just don't agree with the assertion that the tantrum would never have happened at all if mom had only done a better job with the girl as a toddler.

So - Madam then went and shut herself in her room, and at the time I last checked, was shifting her toybox in front of her door for no further mummy interventions. I think she will come out when she is hungry or needs the toilet.

It doesn't sound to me like she was punished. And I highly doubt this was the first time she 'had a screaming fit'.

 

[clutter]

You know, it really does sound like you are a great parent. I compliment you on PARENTING--too many people do not bother these days. I just think you are too quick to condemn every other parent out there whose kids do not act just like yours.

I agree with this. As the mom of an easy kid it can partly be parenting, but mostly temperment. And its easier to be a good parent to an easy kid. My dd13 has never in her life pushed a button of mine. I'm not sure whether I'm a great parent that hasn't given her any to push, or whether she sees them but chooses not to push. I cheer if she acts out. I've never had to discipline her. Ever. Makes me worry sometimes that I'm a bad parent who supresses her natural tendencies. (But then I look at my 6 nieces and nephews and realize it's likely heredity. My sisters and I have really really dominate well-behaved genes. )

Of course, she made up for her good behavior with some really really strange quirks when she was little.

 

[mjkacmom]

I agree with this. As the mom of an easy kid it can partly be parenting, but mostly temperment. And its easier to be a good parent to an easy kid. My dd13 has never in her life pushed a button of mine. I'm not sure whether I'm a great parent that hasn't given her any to push, or whether she sees them but chooses not to push. I cheer if she acts out. I've never had to discipline her. Ever. Makes me worry sometimes that I'm a bad parent who supresses her natural tendencies. (But then I look at my 6 nieces and nephews and realize it's likely heredity. My sisters and I have really really dominate well-behaved genes. )

Of course, she made up for her good behavior with some really really strange quirks when she was little.

My dd7 and dd9 have never whined, tantrumed, or not done exactly what I've asked them to do. I can't imagine them ever talking back to me. I honestly can't imagine easier kids to parent (and people are always pointing this out to me, and I tell them it was just luck).

 

[golfgal]

Just a FYI, as I see you only have one - not all kids have tantrums. My point is, all kids are different. The more kids I had, the less judgemental I became. My most difficult child (so far - I've found that each child can be easier or harder, depending upon the different stages) was my easiest baby. I didn't know how easy she was until #2 (my hardest baby) was born. I agree that there are parents out there who take the easy way out, and don't discipline their children, but I also see great parents who have children that are more difficult.

My oldest was a very easy baby, was on a feeding routine from day one, ate every 3 hours almost to the minute, napped started an hour after he got done eating, never cried, happy all the time, then he turned 3 and all heck broke loose. He has been a very difficult child but he certainly does not scream at us or throw temper tantrums any more.

 

[mjkacmom]

My oldest was a very easy baby, was on a feeding routine from day one, ate every 3 hours almost to the minute, napped started an hour after he got done eating, never cried, happy all the time, then he turned 3 and all heck broke loose. He has been a very difficult child but he certainly does not scream at us or throw temper tantrums any more.

Well goodness, I hope not - he's 18! While my other kids didn't throw tantrums, ever, dd's peaked with the onset of puberty, and ended when she was through it.

 

[sunnyday123]

Just a FYI, as I see you only have one - not all kids have tantrums. My point is, all kids are different. The more kids I had, the less judgemental I became. My most difficult child (so far - I've found that each child can be easier or harder, depending upon the different stages) was my easiest baby. I didn't know how easy she was until #2 (my hardest baby) was born. I agree that there are parents out there who take the easy way out, and don't discipline their children, but I also see great parents who have children that are more difficult.

Oh. Well then. Since I only have one, I apparently have no idea as to what I'm doing. And not all children are the same? Well knock me over with a feather.

And I'M the judgemental one??

 

[mjkacmom]

Oh. Well then. Since I only have one, I apparently have no idea as to what I'm doing. And not all children are the same? Well knock me over with a feather.

And I'M the judgemental one??

I'm just judgemental about judgemental parents of only children.

 

[golfgal]

Well goodness, I hope not - he's 18! While my other kids didn't throw tantrums, ever, dd's peaked with the onset of puberty, and ended when she was through it.

Again, even in puberty tantrums are not acceptable here. I think the last tantrum we had was when one of the twins was 3.

 

[2girlsmom]

Based on the OP, I'm not ready to say she is letting her child "get away" with anything major. I have 2 children, first rarely gets worked up, second is COMPLETELY a "drama queen". She's been known to cry for 15 or 20 minutes about it being her sister's turn on the computer.

At our house, I honestly don't care if she cries, even if I think it is ridiculous, as long as she 1)is respectful in words and tone when she talks to us and 2) goes in her own room to cry. I see no reason why the rest of us need to be subjected to her when she is doing her drama bit, but hey, everyone needs a good cry now and then, right? I have to say, the duration of her little drama crying keeps getting less and less, and they happen less frequently too, I think because she isn't getting the reaction from us that she wants.

 

[sunnyday123]

I'm just judgemental about judgemental parents of only children.

You sure about that?
And please, tell me where I was judgemental? I wasn't.