Tweenage drama queens

[bluesaturn]

Honestly, it seems quite dramatic to indulge a child in an argument about what she may or may not be allowed to do 8 years in the future.
That being said, if the kid feels upset let her be upset. I'd probably be annoyed if I were her too. I wouldn't care if she wanted to go pout in her room.

 

[IDoDis]

I'm just wondering why you and she were discussing something 7 years in the future. If she were pushing the issue, I would just answer "we'll see when that time comes." A lot of things can change in 7 years! No need to get either of you upset at this point in time.

I thought the same thing. I remember when DD was 5 and had to have a series of immunizations before starting school. Of course she could not remember the ones she had as a baby, so she cried when she got the shots because she didn't know what to expect.

In the car on the way home she was crying and declared that under no circumstances was she getting more shots when she was a 11 (she asked when she'd have to get shots again). I said, "Okay, honey." And that was the end of it. Of course she willingly got her booster shots when she was 11 and it was no big deal.

We have to choose our battles and I choose not to battle about something that will happen years in the future.

 

[cruisnfamily]

I'm just wondering why you and she were discussing something 7 years in the future. If she were pushing the issue, I would just answer "we'll see when that time comes." A lot of things can change in 7 years! No need to get either of you upset at this point in time.

I have two teenagers and I can't relate. No way would I tolerate that sort of behavior. And besides, why were you discussing with a 6 year old what she could have in her room as a teenager?

6 year old -"mom, when I'm a teenager I want my computer in my room"
Me- "ok, whatever"
6 year old then goes off to play with barbies....

I agree with both of the quotes above. Would not have indulged the discussion at all.

Are 6 year old really consider tweens?

I am with some PP's, there is no way I would have tolerated my 6yo having a meltdown over something 7-8 years in the future.

NO 6 year olds are NOT tweens

 

[NHdisneylover]

First off I agree that 6 is not a tween.

Secondly, as a mom of a very intense young lady, I get that many posters here have no idea what you and cannot control with a child whose emotions just overtake at times. That said, I think you are underestimating how it will be in a few years when she IS a tween. I know, that in spite of what some perfect parent posters would have you believe, you may not be able to stop the screaming/tantruming and that the best way to handle it is very likely just to send her off on her own (to her room) until she can get herself under control. On the other hand, it sounds like you need to learn when not to engage her. I cannot tell you how often I say "We'll cross that bridge if we ever come to it" to my DD who likes to borrow trouble. You will do well to learn some phrases like that (and "I am discussing this with you further" or "We can only talk about this when you are calm" for things that do pertain to the here and now).

 

[Mouse House Mama]

First off I agree that 6 is not a tween.

Secondly, as a mom of a very intense young lady, I get that many posters here have no idea what you and cannot control with a child whose emotions just overtake at times. That said, I think you are underestimating how it will be in a few years when she IS a tween. I know, that in spite of what some perfect parent posters would have you believe, you may not be able to stop the screaming/tantruming and that the best way to handle it is very likely just to send her off on her own (to her room) until she can get herself under control. On the other hand, it sounds like you need to learn when not to engage her. I cannot tell you how often I say "We'll cross that bridge if we ever come to it" to my DD who likes to borrow trouble. You will do well to learn some phrases like that (and "I am discussing this with you further" or "We can only talk about this when you are calm" for things that do pertain to the here and now).

While I agree that sending them to their room to pout until their heart's content is a great solution and I imagine we have all done that with our kids- all bets are off when the child moves the furniture in front of the door to keep Mom and Dad out. That would have resulted in punishment in my house. I don't care how dramatic you are that is nonsense. YMMV.

 

[NHdisneylover]

While I agree that sending them to their room to pout until their heart's content is a great solution and I imagine we have all done that with our kids- all bets are off when the child moves the furniture in front of the door to keep Mom and Dad out. That would have resulted in punishment in my house. I don't care how dramatic you are that is nonsense. YMMV.

Oh I can agree with you there--there jsut seems to be a couple of posters (and I imagine I am carrying over sentiments from them in other recent threads) who feel it is possible to stop a child from ever being upset about something or dramatic. Some people are just more emotional than others and no amount of rules/punishments or anything else will stop that if they are wired that way. You can teach them ways to handle being upset (go off on your own, punch a pillow whatever) but you cannot say just don't lose any sort of control (this comes from someone who still tears up when angry or very overwhelmed. I HATE that about myself because no one takes you seriously when you are crying. I absolutely cannot control it--couldn't as a child and can;t as an adult. If i had had parents who wanted to punish me every time something overwhelmed me to the point of tears it probably would have only made things worse).

 

[jrmasm]

Oh I can agree with you there--there jsut seems to be a couple of posters (and I imagine I am carrying over sentiments from them in other recent threads) who feel it is possible to stop a child from ever being upset about something or dramatic. Some people are just more emotional than others and no amount of rules/punishments or anything else will stop that if they are wired that way. You can teach them ways to handle being upset (go off on your own, punch a pillow whatever) but you cannot say just don't lose any sort of control (this comes from someone who still tears up when angry or very overwhelmed. I HATE that about myself because no one takes you seriously when you are crying. I absolutely cannot control it--couldn't as a child and can;t as an adult. If i had had parents who wanted to punish me every time something overwhelmed me to the point of tears it probably would have only made things worse).

While it is true that everyone reacts differently and some people are more emotional, it is our job as parents to teach our children how to act appropriately and how to control their emotions. Tantrums are not appropriate behavior for a 6 year old and barricading a door at any age is ridiculous.

 

[mjkacmom]

Oh I can agree with you there--there jsut seems to be a couple of posters (and I imagine I am carrying over sentiments from them in other recent threads) who feel it is possible to stop a child from ever being upset about something or dramatic. Some people are just more emotional than others and no amount of rules/punishments or anything else will stop that if they are wired that way. You can teach them ways to handle being upset (go off on your own, punch a pillow whatever) but you cannot say just don't lose any sort of control (this comes from someone who still tears up when angry or very overwhelmed. I HATE that about myself because no one takes you seriously when you are crying. I absolutely cannot control it--couldn't as a child and can;t as an adult. If i had had parents who wanted to punish me every time something overwhelmed me to the point of tears it probably would have only made things worse).

I have a child (my oldest) who just couldn't contain her emotions (and others who are so easy-going - you would think I zantex them daily). After a learning curve, I realized the best way to handle her was to not engage. She was told to go to her room until she got herself together, and it worked. Now, for other issues, like not doing what she was told to do, she had the traditional punishments (no TV, no dessert). She is now a teen, and totally over these issues. Now, for the others, punishment might work, although honestly, not one has ever yelled at me.

 

[palmtreegirl]

No, they are not.

And that nonsense would not be been tolerated in my house either.

I agree

 

[MichelleVW]

While it is true that everyone reacts differently and some people are more emotional, it is our job as parents to teach our children how to act appropriately and how to control their emotions. Tantrums are not appropriate behavior for a 6 year old and barricading a door at any age is ridiculous.

Exactly! While I'm not going to attempt to control my child's emotions, they are not going to yell at me...ever. I don't yell at my mother, and they will not yell at me.

My ex husband flipped out when I wanted a divorce and got violent and ugly. His defense? I was so angry and emotional I couldn't help myself. Uh yeah, you can't help how something makes you feel, but you CAN control how you act upon those feelings. That is why you need to teach kids when they are young that just because you are upset, it's not ok to go ballistic.

 

[Magic Mom]

Oh I can agree with you there--there jsut seems to be a couple of posters (and I imagine I am carrying over sentiments from them in other recent threads) who feel it is possible to stop a child from ever being upset about something or dramatic. Some people are just more emotional than others and no amount of rules/punishments or anything else will stop that if they are wired that way. You can teach them ways to handle being upset (go off on your own, punch a pillow whatever) but you cannot say just don't lose any sort of control (this comes from someone who still tears up when angry or very overwhelmed. I HATE that about myself because no one takes you seriously when you are crying. I absolutely cannot control it--couldn't as a child and can;t as an adult. If i had had parents who wanted to punish me every time something overwhelmed me to the point of tears it probably would have only made things worse).

I wouldn't want to punish my child for being upset or overwhelmed. Heck, it seems like my 19 YO is upset with me everyday. To me, tears aren't a tantrum. Yelling, slamming doors, locking mom out of room are tantrum. Its not the upset part that I would punish, it's the acting out.

 

[golfgal]

Oh I can agree with you there--there jsut seems to be a couple of posters (and I imagine I am carrying over sentiments from them in other recent threads) who feel it is possible to stop a child from ever being upset about something or dramatic. Some people are just more emotional than others and no amount of rules/punishments or anything else will stop that if they are wired that way. You can teach them ways to handle being upset (go off on your own, punch a pillow whatever) but you cannot say just don't lose any sort of control (this comes from someone who still tears up when angry or very overwhelmed. I HATE that about myself because no one takes you seriously when you are crying. I absolutely cannot control it--couldn't as a child and can;t as an adult. If i had had parents who wanted to punish me every time something overwhelmed me to the point of tears it probably would have only made things worse).

I disagree. Teaching kids how to behave appropriately doesn't just happen, it starts when they are babies and continues on. The OP has allowed this behavior for 6 years were as those of us that don't have kids that do this stopped this behavior when the kids were toddlers. They were sent to their rooms, put in time out, what ever but they were also told that you don't talk to people like that. For our kids if they started this they were told that I won't talk to them until they can talk in a civilized manner and they had to go to their room until they could control themselves. I never set a timer or told them they had to stay there for however long. I gave them the "control" of knowing when they calmed down. Sometimes it took a couple minutes sometimes it took an hour. They got the message and by 6 it was NOT an issue.

Our kids still get upset but the know how to deal with it other than screaming at their parents, slamming doors and barricading themselves in their room. They don't get upset often because they KNOW the boundaries too.

 

[NHdisneylover]

While it is true that everyone reacts differently and some people are more emotional, it is our job as parents to teach our children how to act appropriately and how to control their emotions. Tantrums are not appropriate behavior for a 6 year old and barricading a door at any age is ridiculous.

Okay to clarify--just quoted the first person who responded but I guess I am clarifying for many

First I just want to expand on my earlier post. I don't think I would punish a younger child (6 certainly falls into that category) for slamming the door OR barricading it IF IT WAS THE FIRST TIME IT HAD EVER HAPPENED. I think most kids would not think about it in terms of possibly damaging the house or being a safety issue if it were not pointed out to them--especially if they are in an emotional upheaval at that moment. Assuming this was a first, in the OPs situation I would ignore it in the moment (figuring if the 6 year old could move the toy chest in front of the door by herself, then I should be able to push it out of the way with the door if I needed to in the event of an emergency and knowing that my child were not in a state to handle learning new info well). Later on (later that day or the next) once DD was composed I would approach it something like this:
Hey DD, we need to talk about what happened when you were upset about the computer this morning. Whenever you feel yourself losing control it is a good idea to ask to discuss it later and go to your room pronto--if you lose control before you do that I will send you like I did this morning. I can understand you needing time alone to get control of yourself, but you CANNOT slam the door or barricade it and here is why . . . If that happens again X will happen. I am, however, willing to leave you alone unless I have some reason to believe you or something else is in danger--you need to come up with an appropriate way to let me know you want to be left alone though. What ways can you think of? Let's decide on one now.

Then, if the door were slammed again I would remove the door (without saying a word and as the tantrum continued) and if it were barricaded with that toy box I would be more likely to take the box and it's contents as that would sting more and be just as appropriate.

As far as the comments people have made: yelling AT parents--no not okay. Going to your room and letting out some of your frustration by yelling at the walls or a stuffed animal? Sure. I would much rather that than a child with a lot of pent up anger inside. MANY MANY people (myself included) never have that kind of intense angry reaction to frustration, but some do--especially when they are little and do not have as many options available to work it out. I also think it is a good idea to talk about it later, in a calm moment and come up with better ways to channel the frustration during a melt down. DS11 rarely gets upset by anything. He is very easy going and the biggest thing I hear about him from every adult who works with him is how polite and sweet he is. However, when he does lose it he LOSES IT NOW he is old enough to get on his bike and ride hard to let his feelings out, but as a younger kid he just needed to hang out in his room alone and growl for about 30 minutes As long as he was in his own room (and HE has always been the type to put himself there) why do I care if he is growling if it is not directed at anyone? I would think yelling would be the same.
It is lovely that so many of you can keep a kid from ever having any type of a melt down past the age of two. Other kids, in spite of having never had an adult give into a tantrum still lose it once in a while. it doesn't not make them bad kids or their parents bad parents. It just makes them more emotionally intense people than others. They need to be taught how to handle that intensity but you cannot simply deny that it is there.

 

[golfgal]

Okay to clarify--just quoted the first person who responded but I guess I am clarifying for many

First I just want to expand on my earlier post. I don't think I would punish a younger child (6 certainly falls into that category) for slamming the door OR barricading it IF IT WAS THE FIRST TIME IT HAD EVER HAPPENED. I think most kids would not think about it in terms of possibly damaging the house or being a safety issue if it were not pointed out to them--especially if they are in an emotional upheaval at that moment. Assuming this was a first, in the OPs situation I would ignore it in the moment (figuring if the 6 year old could move the toy chest in front of the door by herself, then I should be able to push it out of the way with the door if I needed to in the event of an emergency and knowing that my child were not in a state to handle learning new info well). Later on (later that day or the next) once DD was composed I would approach it something like this:
Hey DD, we need to talk about what happened when you were upset about the computer this morning. Whenever you feel yourself losing control it is a good idea to ask to discuss it later and go to your room pronto--if you lose control before you do that I will send you like I did this morning. I can understand you needing time alone to get control of yourself, but you CANNOT slam the door or barricade it and here is why . . . If that happens again X will happen. I am, however, willing to leave you alone unless I have some reason to believe you or something else is in danger--you need to come up with an appropriate way to let me know you want to be left alone though. What ways can you think of? Let's decide on one now.

Then, if the door were slammed again I would remove the door (without saying a word and as the tantrum continued) and if it were barricaded with that toy box I would be more likely to take the box and it's contents as that would sting more and be just as appropriate.

As far as the comments people have made: yelling AT parents--no not okay. Going to your room and letting out some of your frustration by yelling at the walls or a stuffed animal? Sure. I would much rather that than a child with a lot of pent up anger inside. MANY MANY people (myself included) never have that kind of intense angry reaction to frustration, but some do--especially when they are little and do not have as many options available to work it out. I also think it is a good idea to talk about it later, in a calm moment and come up with better ways to channel the frustration during a melt down. DS11 rarely gets upset by anything. He is very easy going and the biggest thing I hear about him from every adult who works with him is how polite and sweet he is. However, when he does lose it he LOSES IT NOW he is old enough to get on his bike and ride hard to let his feelings out, but as a younger kid he just needed to hang out in his room alone and growl for about 30 minutes As long as he was in his own room (and HE has always been the type to put himself there) why do I care if he is growling if it is not directed at anyone? I would think yelling would be the same.
It is lovely that so many of you can keep a kid from ever having any type of a melt down past the age of two. Other kids, in spite of having never had an adult give into a tantrum still lose it once in a while. it doesn't not make them bad kids or their parents bad parents. It just makes them more emotionally intense people than others. They need to be taught how to handle that intensity but you cannot simply deny that it is there.

If it was the "first" time it happened our kids would be told quite sternly that it was NOT allowed and if it continued there would be consequences. If my child screamed at me like the OP's, even if it was the first time, they would be in HUGE trouble.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I disagree. Teaching kids how to behave appropriately doesn't just happen, it starts when they are babies and continues on. The OP has allowed this behavior for 6 years were as those of us that don't have kids that do this stopped this behavior when the kids were toddlers. They were sent to their rooms, put in time out, what ever but they were also told that you don't talk to people like that. For our kids if they started this they were told that I won't talk to them until they can talk in a civilized manner and they had to go to their room until they could control themselves. I never set a timer or told them they had to stay there for however long. I gave them the "control" of knowing when they calmed down. Sometimes it took a couple minutes sometimes it took an hour. They got the message and by 6 it was NOT an issue.

Our kids still get upset but the know how to deal with it other than screaming at their parents, slamming doors and barricading themselves in their room. They don't get upset often because they KNOW the boundaries too.

You posted this while I was typing. My kids were never allowed to get away with screaming at people, slamming doors, etc as toddlers either. Actually very little ever upset them as toddler so they spent very little time in time out, etc but they knew not to do those things. They knew not to act up at restaurants or in airplanes, etc. It does NOT mean that they do not get upset and melt down now. Yep, they will go to their rooms on their own to do it and I agree it sounds like OP has allowed her child too much control (by doing things like even engaging in a conversation about what the rules will be as a teen with a 6 year old) but this is one of several times in the last few days that you have essentially said that all problems with teens would not exist if the parents had been good parents when the child is a toddler--which is simply not true. It is awesome that your kids always behave perfectly but other equally good parents can have difficulties with their kids/teens (and some really bad parents still have kids that behave really well--I am a case in point, even my parents agree they had no idea how to be parents and did not try and I basically raised myself and everyone also agrees I was the easiest teen they knew: it was more personality than parenting for sure).

 

[golfgal]

You posted this while I was typing. My kids were never allowed to get away with screaming at people, slamming doors, etc as toddlers either. Actually very little ever upset them as toddler so they spent very little time in time out, etc but they knew not to do those things. They knew not to act up at restaurants or in airplanes, etc. It does NOT mean that they do not get upset and melt down now. Yep, they will go to their rooms on their own to do it and I agree it sounds like OP has allowed her child too much control (by doing things like even engaging in a conversation about what the rules will be as a teen with a 6 year old) but this is one of several times in the last few days that you have essentially said that all problems with teens would not exist if the parents had been good parents when the child is a toddler--which is simply not true. It is awesome that your kids always behave perfectly but other equally good parents can have difficulties with their kids/teens (and some really bad parents still have kids that behave really well--I am a case in point, even my parents agree they had no idea how to be parents and did not try and I basically raised myself and everyone also agrees I was the easiest teen they knew: it was more personality than parenting for sure).

Where did I EVER say that? Did you read the part about sending them to their rooms, etc. The point you are missing is that the OP allowed this behavior and is paying the consequences. By teaching kids early what is acceptable and what is not will head off a LOT of issues down the road. The difference is that our kids know where the line is and I don't believe for a second that parents that have had problems with teens have clearly defined that line.

 

[DebD4T]

I think more than how a child is acting/reacting, it is the parents response to it that will pave the way for future drama.

DS is a very easygoing young man who never really causes drama.

DD#1 is pretty much the same except for when she was entering puberty. I actually felt bad for her when she would have an outburst (usually at her dad). The reason that it was usually directed at DH is because he would engage her in her outburst. He would get all offended that she acted that way towards him. He took it personally. I could see that it was her emotions that took over and she didn't yet know how to control them. I would just say to her that I am not one of her friends and therefore had no right to speak/yell at me in that way. Then I would remove myself from the situation until she calmed down. Thankfully she is back to her regular self and the emotional outbursts are rare.

DD#2 however is our drama queen. Her teachers hate her, her friends mock her...you name it. Of course this is all in her beautiful, drama filled head. LOL When the drama starts, we usually tell her to go to her room and calm down. That is what works for us. After a short time, she is ready for more drama!!

 

[NHdisneylover]

Where did I EVER say that? Did you read the part about sending them to their rooms, etc. The point you are missing is that the OP allowed this behavior and is paying the consequences. By teaching kids early what is acceptable and what is not will head off a LOT of issues down the road. The difference is that our kids know where the line is and I don't believe for a second that parents that have had problems with teens have clearly defined that line.

Your posts indicate (but do not flat out say it, you are right) that your children always behave perfectly as teens because you did such a good job parenting them as youngsters. You say "they got the message by 6"--indicating that they have not lost their tempers ever since then
I am with you that I have little tolerance for lazy parents who let bad behaviour go because it is easy to do so or they think it is cute or whatever and that does spell disaster in later years. I agree that engaging in drama, letting the screaming or door slamming or whatever go, etc is not a good idea and will be problematic. On the other hand, I have almost as little tolerance for people with relatively "easy" kids who see any transgression by an older child as a reflection on the parents and who pat themselves on the back for being the perfect parent instead of thanking their lucky stars they got naturally compliant kids. I think parenting is a tough job and we all need to step up to the plate and do it. I think misbehavior kids must be removed from situations in which they impact others. I also think some kids are much harder to raise than others and sometimes excellent parents still have children who behave poorly once is a while as 6 year olds or as teens.

 

[mjkacmom]

Where did I EVER say that? Did you read the part about sending them to their rooms, etc. The point you are missing is that the OP allowed this behavior and is paying the consequences. By teaching kids early what is acceptable and what is not will head off a LOT of issues down the road. The difference is that our kids know where the line is and I don't believe for a second that parents that have had problems with teens have clearly defined that line.

How did the OP allow this? The child went to her room - when my dd lost control of her emotions, she was sent to her room to work it out. It was a very good method of coping for her. Fortunately for me, none of her siblings had the same problem - all kids are different. For children who tend to be over-emotional, it's scary for them. It's not a matter of giving them a list of punishments, it's a matter of giving them the tools to overcome their issues. If you've never had a child with this problem, consider yourself lucky (she got some counselling, too). Fortunately, apparently the way we handled it worked beautifully, and she is a delightful teenager.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think more than how a child is acting/reacting, it is the parents response to it that will pave the way for future drama.

DS is a very easygoing young man who never really causes drama.

DD#1 is pretty much the same except for when she was entering puberty. I actually felt bad for her when she would have an outburst (usually at her dad). The reason that it was usually directed at DH is because he would engage her in her outburst. He would get all offended that she acted that way towards him. He took it personally. I could see that it was her emotions that took over and she didn't yet know how to control them. I would just say to her that I am not one of her friends and therefore had no right to speak/yell at me in that way. Then I would remove myself from the situation until she calmed down. Thankfully she is back to her regular self and the emotional outbursts are rare.

DD#2 however is our drama queen. Her teachers hate her, her friends mock her...you name it. Of course this is all in her beautiful, drama filled head. LOL When the drama starts, we usually tell her to go to her room and calm down. That is what works for us. After a short time, she is ready for more drama!!

How did the OP allow this? The child went to her room - when my dd lost control of her emotions, she was sent to her room to work it out. It was a very good method of coping for her. Fortunately for me, none of her siblings had the same problem - all kids are different. For children who tend to be over-emotional, it's scary for them. It's not a matter of giving them a list of punishments, it's a matter of giving them the tools to overcome their issues. If you've never had a child with this problem, consider yourself lucky (she got some counselling, too). Fortunately, apparently the way we handled it worked beautifully, and she is a delightful teenager.

You ladies say it so much better than I do