Trying so hard not to be resentful....

[jenrose66]

In the grand scheme of things I know that I should not be angry or resentful. But I am. I had to pick up a 2nd job recently working overnight in addition to my primary job. Thats not a problem for me, I understand that I have to, not that I want to. I value sleep just like anyone!

My dh and his ex promised their dd's college, just like my ex and I did. Again not the problem. But, dh was not vigilant in getting the particulars and now we are facing student loan payments in the amount of 600 a month for one dsd starting in May. We knew it was coming..not the amount. Dsd is already working fulltime, going to school full time to finish and paying 1/2 rent in the apartment she shares with mom. Mom isn't working as she was laid off in the fall. I understand, really, honestly I do how hard it is out there to find employment. But, she won't be paying her share, because she doesn't have a job and is living off her 401k, dh is already working 12-15 hours a day.

I happen to be friends with dsd on facebook as both of our lives are busy and we use to talk. The other day I saw mom talking about going to the casino and putting up a pic of her and her 'gambling' buddy. I just got angry. Now I am just angry and resentful. I am mad about everything. I have no right to be. Just plain think everything should be above board and honest from the get go. And I think she should be looking harder at getting an income so she can help with AT LEAST 100 bucks of the payments. Nope. And I refuse to punish DSD and make her pay 1/2 because the child made it this far and a few years ago I was worried she wouldn't even graduate high school let alone Dental Assistance school.

Sorry so long...just mad about it...and yes, I have blocked her so I can't even see comments or postings she makes on dsd page. What I don't know won't kill me.

BLAH.

Kelly

I haven't read the replies yet so I don't know if I'll have a popular opinion, but here it goes....

I understand why you are resentful and honestly no matter what you promised you don't owe your step children or even your own children a college education. In a perfect world it would be great to provide that but we are not in a perfect world. There are cheaper state schools, there are student loans. You shouldn't put yourself in that kind of debt just to start one child in school, there is no way you can keep up once the other children start school.

I have 3 kids. They are very young. I would love to start a college savings plan for them at some point. I will not do that at the expense of retirement savings for DH and I and at this point we only have enough extra to fund the 401K.

In terms of my college help I was able to live with my mom for free...though I only stayed there in the summer. I lived on campus 2 years and then moved in with my boyfriend who is now my DH. My dad paid $1,000 for tuition (my parents are divorced). I paid for everything else. I went to a state school and graduated with about 10K student loan debt. I wouldn't have had any loan debt if I just lived with my mom the whole time...but young people make dumb decisions.

My half sisters on the other hand are getting their schooling handed to them. My step mom was adamant when me and my brother graduated that we would be expected to pay for the majority of our schooling. When my two sisters started college 7 and 9 years later my dad is taking out loans to cover the costs in their entirety He is now under so much financial stress that I honestly worry about his health.

I guess the point of this lengthy post is that you don't have to pay for you kids college educations. It's not worth giving up your whole life. They can pick cheaper schools, get loans and they will be fine.

 

[cm8]

In the beginning I was upset about that part...but this dsd has had a long road. That she is in her final months getting ready for clinicals has thrilled me to no end. I don't think its right, she was promised that she would get the education if she applied herself and all of the sudden nobody wants to pony up. Pure T peeves me off. She already is working full time so she can pay 1/2 the rent in the apartment she shares with her mom. DH, welp, he always will be one of those people who thinks that people say they are going to do something, they will...regardless of how many times they HAVENT. We can swing the payments if they were less but not happening at this rate. I don't know why they didn't discuss this from the beginning. When dsd called and explained what she was doing, i paid the intial 1200.00 fee and books to get her started. Parents and she agreed.

DSD is drug free and working and going to school...I dont want her to backslide because of this situation. She is already saying once she gets a job she will start helping with the payments....but that is so wrong to me.

Kelly

The way that you have handled yourself, speaks volumes. The fact that you are doing what you did not have to do will mean more to your DSD then any of them may realize. The hard work and dedication that you have put forth for your DSD will be materialized as well. Treat others as you would want to be treated rings a bell and you have. The fact that you care about the promise for her to get it right is truly awesome. You could have said oh well and let her life spiral downward into an abyss of sorrow but you Dear, stepped up to the plate and came through for her. May the same blessings that you bestowed upon her, be sent back to you in more ways then you can count

rolleyes1) Promises do matter sorry for the rambling

 

[kellyg403]

Thanks all for the advice and replies. Yesterday before I left for work, I sent dsd a message that she needs to get the paperwork to me ASAP so we can all decide what needs to be done. She responded that she would get them from mom and send them this week, she thought it had been sent. '

I know I come across as stupid/niave/inattentive. Truly I am not. We, here, have always taken the approach that while we are family with common rules we have to respect the fact there are already 2 bio parents. My ex and I don't get along great, we have serious moments, as a matter of fact not even speaking to each other at the moment...but hey we lived several years of our marriage like that so doesn't really bother me...we will both get glad again. The point being that in big decisions, schools, medical, I never have interfered in their decisions as parents and ex and I expect the same. When our children were born, we wanted to raise them certain ways and that has not changed. Behavior rules stay the same at both homes, and decisions we made years ago we have not altered. I never thought to interfere in the decisions they made or ask questions or anything. They are grown ups.

Dsd graduates in Feb..she has 'externals' for the month of March. She is totally done April 1 and first payment is due May 1. Whatever that payment is.

I am more than concerned that everyone is thinking 'oh she will get this great job because the school said they would find her one' I gently reminded her that the job is something she will have to look for, they will probably find 'leads' for her but everything else is in her court. I think parents believed that paying back the money would be a non-issue since they believed she would have this great job after, pay a few payments and then have her do the rest. I agree with that...IF...and that is the question of the day IF everyone was truthful and upfront. But, from hearing dh's side of the conversation I am thinking promises were made and now no one wants to.

Hopefully those papers will come in the mail this week and I can look them over. I will update then and probably ask a few questions. I have been blessed that I have 3 children thru college and one attending with no student loans. Ex and I hoped to provide that for them but ultimately we did expect something from them after freshman year. My ex, he is very firm in the kids investing in themselves as I am, we allow the kids to make mistakes because we both believe they need to learn coping, strategy etc in dealing with bad stuff in their life. This is really not the case in my dh/ex case...which is fine..their business. But, sometimes I just get tired of everything and the money flow to people who can work. The problem in the end is that they don't know HOW. This dsd, she has so much promise. She had some issues, I will admit but she had a heart and soul and I know the real her is inthere jus trying to figure it all out. This just makes me mad...she really is TRYING, she really is doing WELL and I am worried she won't even finish with this over her head. Coping skills are hard for her, she gives up if it looks to big.

Kelly

 

[OceanAnnie]

Thanks for the update.

I know I come across as stupid/niave/inattentive.

Kelly, you didn't.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect your DH and his ex to have worked it out. The not knowing is the hardest.

It'll get better.

(But get him on the same page as far as promises and pledges!)

 

[TLuvsD]

Kelly, hang in there, I think you are on the right track.

don't use your DS's money for this. And put a limit on what YOU will contribute to future college expenses, if your DH wants to contribute more, he gets the second job. I'd quit promising apartments, etc. Dorms or live at home and commute. Cap the amount avaliable, make plans to attend a college that is within the cap (do some research so the cap is doable). Check out what college/training program they are looking at IN ADVANCE. If it's not reasonable, you don't pay. I'd do this for any kid, who wants to be scammed. Many families plan this way for college--the parents can contribute $X and that's it. If the ex can't pay her share, she needs to call the school and negotiate her share with them (of course, this may not be possible, depending on what your DH signed...but keep in mind for the future. You and your DH take your own separate loan for whatever you agree to pay. If the ex defaults, it's her problem, not yours. Financial Aid offices deal with divorced parents all the time.)

Do you have room in your house for DSD? If so, the rent money would end when the program ends....she can live with you rent free, the rent money can pay the loan. If mom wants to stay in the apartment, she can pay the rent. By the way, I'd call the state consumer board about the school. Some of the high priced vocational training type programs are under investigation for over promising, and over charging on the loans, who knows, they may be able to help.