Trying so hard not to be resentful....

[kimmar067]

...BioMom seems to not have a care in the world- You found 2 jobs, I bet she could find one....

...I was thinking the same thing...

 

[kimmar067]

...You have taken on the responsibility for this loan. You should know ALL about it. I think you need to get all the paperwork that has an impact on your life. Review it. Get together a short term and long term plan to attack it. Short term for your involvement and a transition or bridge to hand it over to DSD. Then the long term plan for DSD to manage her responsibility.

She may need to renegotiate the loan, as circumstances have changed drastically. That is what I would recommend. You will probably need to be involved with the process. I would be, since I assumed responsibility. I (and DH) would go with DSD to speak with a representative at the loan agency about the changes in household status. It can be done. You should not have to shoulder this. I would only help until a change has taken place. You just can not be expected to handle this.

I had loans to repay when I graduated from college. I didn't have any help from my parents. I know this situation is different, but the goal should be to have DSD assume the lead asap.

 

[kellyg403]

Ya know what? I think I might bow out if I were you. Obviously you are WAY stressed out about this and how is that fair to your own kids? BioMom seems to not have a care in the world- You found 2 jobs, I bet she could find one.

I am reallly really stressed about it...I see my whole life blowing up in smoke. I always tend to do that..losing my house or whatever. I tend to alleviate that by attempting to put something in motion so I know it will be alright.

And I agree, I will feel better once the paperwork comes in the mail. I know that earlier in the year dh signed something and I did not get involved because I thought 'well, they are doing what they need to do' We did discuss certain things but dh, sometimes I wonder. His heart is in the right place but guess what its not always a good thing.

I know that in my dd's case, she is over 18 so I can't call the school and get whatever information. In this case, my name isn't anywhere so I am probably even more sure I can't find out anything. I told dh last night that the paperwork needs to be talked about again with dsd. I don't know what the hold up is there. But, I am a bit jaded in this area from past experience.

For all I know everything is on the up and up and I am just being cranky. I just got mad/angry/extremely irritated when I saw the 'gambling buddy' and going to the casino. I started a pity party for myself ... and it has festered a bit. That is my fault. Dh is looking for something because he does know how I feel about him not being more vigilant in what our story would be. Or what he signed. Or anything. Lesson learned. I am making sure that dsd#2 is well aware of what is going to happen and how. Her dad promised her he would be the expenses of an apartment instead of a dorm. I sat her down and told her depending on this situation she 'may' have to commute. Its a 45 min trip both ways. She will have to live with it because I do not know how we will come up with the funds for an apartment too. Short of us selling our house and moving into one ourselves! I am willing to do what I have to but come on. I told dh to stop promising stuff unless he has a plan or the funds.

Kelly

 

[kellyg403]

...I was thinking the same thing...

Well, the part of me agrees with this is waring with the part that knows things are tough. I got a part time overnight job at a rest washing dishes/bussing until my certification for food safety comes back. After that I can do something else. I have never waitressed before so that was out..the poor people I serviced would be upset with my performance!


And she has no responsibilities..no other children..the other, younger child lives here. This dsd is 19, going on 20 in a few months. So, I expect she has a lot of free time to get a job. But, hey..for all I know she is out pounding the pavement everyday. I don't know and I don't want to judge her for not knowing.


Kely

 

[OceanAnnie]

I am reallly really stressed about it...I see my whole life blowing up in smoke. I always tend to do that..losing my house or whatever. I tend to alleviate that by attempting to put something in motion so I know it will be alright.

And I agree, I will feel better once the paperwork comes in the mail. I know that earlier in the year dh signed something and I did not get involved because I thought 'well, they are doing what they need to do' We did discuss certain things but dh, sometimes I wonder. His heart is in the right place but guess what its not always a good thing.

I know that in my dd's case, she is over 18 so I can't call the school and get whatever information. In this case, my name isn't anywhere so I am probably even more sure I can't find out anything. I told dh last night that the paperwork needs to be talked about again with dsd. I don't know what the hold up is there. But, I am a bit jaded in this area from past experience.

For all I know everything is on the up and up and I am just being cranky. I just got mad/angry/extremely irritated when I saw the 'gambling buddy' and going to the casino. I started a pity party for myself ... and it has festered a bit. That is my fault. Dh is looking for something because he does know how I feel about him not being more vigilant in what our story would be. Or what he signed. Or anything. Lesson learned. I am making sure that dsd#2 is well aware of what is going to happen and how. Her dad promised her he would be the expenses of an apartment instead of a dorm. I sat her down and told her depending on this situation she 'may' have to commute. Its a 45 min trip both ways. She will have to live with it because I do not know how we will come up with the funds for an apartment too. Short of us selling our house and moving into one ourselves! I am willing to do what I have to but come on. I told dh to stop promising stuff unless he has a plan or the funds.

Kelly

But she can get a copy and give it to you. I'd be ALL over that. If the DSD wanted me to help, she'd get the information. You need all the information you can get.

Are the funds going directly towards the loan (ie. from you to the loan agency) or to DSD/ex-wife to pay the loan?

If it is going to DSD or ex-wife, I'd would work hard to make everything transparent. Copies of payments monthly, you name it. Because going to a casino while I worked 2 jobs for their benefit would have me simultaneously implode and explode.

ETA- I just re-read your post. It is going to DSD and ex-wife. It isn't transparent. You have every reason to be upset. Every reason. Add to that the stress of the commitment. This situation can be changed. I hope it can be done quickly.

 

[kellyg403]

But she can get a copy and give it to you. I'd be ALL over that. If the DSD wanted me to help, she'd get the information. You need all the information you can get.

Are the funds going directly towards the loan (ie. from you to the loan agency) or to DSD/ex-wife to pay the loan?

If it is going to DSD or ex-wife, I'd would work hard to make everything transparent. Copies of payments monthly, you name it. Because going to a casino while I worked 2 jobs for their benefit would have me simultaneously implode and explode.

No, I refuse to send payments to the ex because quite frankly, I don't trust what I don't see in black and white. The initial 1200 I called the school and made the payment to them..no way was I sending anything to the house. I don't want her to think I am willing to just do whatever she says because she said it. Bad, I know. But its my hard earned dollars earmarked for a particular thing. I don't want to find I sent the money there, it was used for something else, and then I find out I have to pay it again somehow someway. I definitely can't afford that..and trust me there is a truck sitting in AZ dh cosigned for for the mom that we had to pay for...and that was after we got a collection call for..Like I said he has a good heart but sometimes he just does NOT think about consequences. AT ALL

Kelly

 

[Polyluvr]

You need to remove yourself from this situation~ you are carrying the burden for everyone to the point of neglecting yourself and losing time w your own young children.

Your DH should be the 1 w the second job to help HIS DD w her schooling expenses~ not you.

I think it is highly noble of you to want to maintain the promises that were made~

But, not at the expense of your own bio kids~ and little ones at that.

Sorry, but things and circumstances change for everyone~ you shouldn't be the only one holding the bag~ and it seems that you are and your DH is more than happy to let you worry about this situation w HIS kid~ he should be the one stressing about the follow through w seeing the paperwork; and he should be having some long talks w his ex and DD~
The mother doesn't seem to be bothered;
You shouldn't be either.
People will only take advantage of you as long as you let them~ you are trying to do a good thing and it seems no one appreciates it.
DSD can get a 2nd job also~ it's HER education; you have small kids and now 2 jobs.
I truly feel for you; but it wouldn't be me~

 

[kellyg403]

But she can get a copy and give it to you. I'd be ALL over that. If the DSD wanted me to help, she'd get the information. You need all the information you can get.

Are the funds going directly towards the loan (ie. from you to the loan agency) or to DSD/ex-wife to pay the loan?

If it is going to DSD or ex-wife, I'd would work hard to make everything transparent. Copies of payments monthly, you name it. Because going to a casino while I worked 2 jobs for their benefit would have me simultaneously implode and explode.

Yes, she could and I have asked for it at least twice. Its been 3 weeks now give or take a few days. So I told dh that he needs to call dsd and let her know that we need the paperwork PRONTO. We need to know exactly what is going on, exactly how to proceed. At this point, there may be less to worry about than previously thought. But, I just can't take food/shelter from the other kids 'hoping' that we aren't on the hook. I just feel so much better having a plan in place. I can always quit the second job, so if it turns out better than expected good for me. Maybe I can use the money for a vacation!

Kelly

 

[AKL_Megs]

WHY can't SHE get student loans?

My OWN mother would NEVER have gotten a night job to put me through college, nor would I EVER expect her to. Wow. To me, that is incredibly selfish.

Granted, my parents did save a small amount for me to go to college, I ALONE paid for my books, materials, and 95% of my college education. The LOANS are my responsibility.

Why are you working so hard when she has her whole life to pay off a student loan?

 

[kellyg403]

You need to remove yourself from this situation~ you are carrying the burden for everyone to the point of neglecting yourself and losing time w your own young children.

Your DH should be the 1 w the second job to help HIS DD w her schooling expenses~ not you.

I think it is highly noble of you to want to maintain the promises that were made~

But, not at the expense of your own bio kids~ and little ones at that.

Sorry, but things and circumstances change for everyone~ you shouldn't be the only one holding the bag~ and it seems that you are and your DH is more than happy to let you worry about this situation w HIS kid~ he should be the one stressing about the follow through w seeing the paperwork; and he should be having some long talks w his ex and DD~
The mother doesn't seem to be bothered;
You shouldn't be either.
People will only take advantage of you as long as you let them~ you are trying to do a good thing and it seems no one appreciates it.
DSD can get a 2nd job also~ it's HER education; you have small kids and now 2 jobs.
I truly feel for you; but it wouldn't be me~

The good news is the boys are 15 and 17 and dsd is 18 soon. They have their own lives too, not small. But, I still want to spend time with them because its almost more important now that they are teens. The moments are fewer and father between now they have friends and cars and jobs themselves.

I just don't know what to do, other than to say I am vested in keeping some sense of my own life through everything. I am not being noble, I am scared dh has done/signed something. Just like with the truck, I would rather do it now than find out I owe the government thousands later.

Kelly

 

[Polyluvr]

WHY can't SHE get student loans?

My OWN mother would NEVER have gotten a night job to put me through college, nor would I EVER expect her to. Wow. To me, that is incredibly selfish.

Granted, my parents did save a small amount for me to go to college, I ALONE paid for my books, materials, and 95% of my college education. The LOANS are my responsibility.

Why are you working so hard when she has her whole life to pay off a student loan?

This exactly !!!! She doesn't seem to appreciate the sacrifices YOU are making~ she can't even get you a copy of the paperwork~ it's been 3 weeks ???

When you sign the paperwork for a student loan; the forms are in triplicate and a copy is handed to the student right then~

 

[OceanAnnie]

No, I refuse to send payments to the ex because quite frankly, I don't trust what I don't see in black and white. The initial 1200 I called the school and made the payment to them..no way was I sending anything to the house. I don't want her to think I am willing to just do whatever she says because she said it. Bad, I know. But its my hard earned dollars earmarked for a particular thing. I don't want to find I sent the money there, it was used for something else, and then I find out I have to pay it again somehow someway. I definitely can't afford that..and trust me there is a truck sitting in AZ dh cosigned for for the mom that we had to pay for...and that was after we got a collection call for..Like I said he has a good heart but sometimes he just does NOT think about consequences. AT ALL

Kelly

I was confused. Glad it's going to the school.

Yes, she could and I have asked for it at least twice. Its been 3 weeks now give or take a few days. So I told dh that he needs to call dsd and let her know that we need the paperwork PRONTO. We need to know exactly what is going on, exactly how to proceed. At this point, there may be less to worry about than previously thought. But, I just can't take food/shelter from the other kids 'hoping' that we aren't on the hook. I just feel so much better having a plan in place. I can always quit the second job, so if it turns out better than expected good for me. Maybe I can use the money for a vacation!

Kelly

Tell her you can't make anymore payments till you get it. It'll be in the mail that day!

WHY can't SHE get student loans?

My OWN mother would NEVER have gotten a night job to put me through college, nor would I EVER expect her to. Wow. To me, that is incredibly selfish.

Granted, my parents did save a small amount for me to go to college, I ALONE paid for my books, materials, and 95% of my college education. The LOANS are my responsibility.

Why are you working so hard when she has her whole life to pay off a student loan?

Yes. I was wondering about that too.

And why are they coming due while she is in college? I didn't start payments on mine until I was graduated, 6 months out I think it was.

 

[kellyg403]

WHY can't SHE get student loans?

My OWN mother would NEVER have gotten a night job to put me through college, nor would I EVER expect her to. Wow. To me, that is incredibly selfish.

Granted, my parents did save a small amount for me to go to college, I ALONE paid for my books, materials, and 95% of my college education. The LOANS are my responsibility.

Why are you working so hard when she has her whole life to pay off a student loan?

I could go into great detail but yes, selfish. The mom to me more so than anyone. But, I knew going into things how it would be, I just didn't know EXACTLY and I would have run years ago had I known. Its all about the money and always will be. Forever. I have a 30 year old dsd that does not work. Recently she was talking about getting a job, my grandd just moved back in with her and dh from living here. So, dh says if she does we would help with daycare. Why? I said heck no, not a chance. I don't pay daycare for my other bio grandkids. I am almost 50 years old..I don't have enough hours in the day to do that. He still feels guilty the mom divorced him or something. He feels bad for a lot of things that in end cost us greatly in the money department...and its crap. But, he is a good man..just not living in reality some days.

Kelly

 

[AKL_Megs]

I was confused. Glad it's going to the school.



Tell her you can't make anymore payments till you get it. It'll be in the mail that day!



Yes. I was wondering about that too.

And why are they coming due while she is in college? I didn't start payments on mine until I was graduated, 6 months out I think it was.

Yeah, I think it IS six months. And you have years and years and years to pay. For $600 a month, the loan must be like, $100,000 Are you REALLY willing to pay for that when she graduates, lands a high paying job and is living the high life while YOU are working two jobs, one being overnight? Get a clue!

 

[momof1princess]

i'm as confused as the PP....why is the DSD making loan payments while she is in college? i had two separate student loans at two different colleges, and i NEVER made a payment until after i graduated. as a matter of fact, the loan payments didn't start until a few months after graduation. OP, you and your DH REALLY need to find out what's going on. i hate to say this, but i have a feeling you're being taken for a ride. i suspect your DH's ex is using your money to support herself. i really hope i'm wrong, but something just isn't right about this.

 

[kellyg403]

This is some kind of school where they promis them jobs after they get a certificate. I didn't really like the whole idea but ya know, the parents seemed to be o.k. with it...so I figured their child...who knew.

She graduates next month, she has clinical hours and from what I understand then the loans come due. May. When I get the paperwork I hope I will understand it all more.

Kelly

 

[OceanAnnie]

Yeah, I think it IS six months. And you have years and years and years to pay. For $600 a month, the loan must be like, $100,000 Are you REALLY willing to pay for that when she graduates, lands a high paying job and is living the high life while YOU are working two jobs, one being overnight? Get a clue!

Or more! Kelly, you really need to know the amount of the loan and the conditions. It doesn't add up to me. I'm not saying you are being untruthful, but the situation stinks like a 9 day old kettle of fish. Something isn't right and you shouldn't be paying for it.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to make your DH promise never, ever to pledge money or sign for someone's debts, and declare you will not be made responsible for the debts of others. I have seen lengthy declarations to this effect in the newspaper. Doing that must be some sort of legal formality. There were pages devoted to these declarations. I used to marvel at these pages.

 

[Polyluvr]

I could go into great detail but yes, selfish. The mom to me more so than anyone. But, I knew going into things how it would be, I just didn't know EXACTLY and I would have run years ago had I known. Its all about the money and always will be. Forever. I have a 30 year old dsd that does not work. Recently she was talking about getting a job, my grandd just moved back in with her and dh from living here. So, dh says if she does we would help with daycare. Why? I said heck no, not a chance. I don't pay daycare for my other bio grandkids. I am almost 50 years old..I don't have enough hours in the day to do that. He still feels guilty the mom divorced him or something. He feels bad for a lot of things that in end cost us greatly in the money department...and its crap. But, he is a good man..just not living in reality some days.

Kelly

You are going to give yourself a heart attack with the amount of stress you are carrying !!!!

Stop right now~ this is your DH's problem~ all of it~ remove yourself. No one appreciates what you are going through; put the $ from your 2nd job into college savings for your own kids~ not a child that can;t even get you a copy of the agreement.

I really feel awful for you~
Your DH needs to remove the rose colored glasses; and w you always picking up the pieces this is never going to happen.

 

[disneyelaine]

, I am scared dh has done/signed something. Just like with the truck, I would rather do it now than find out I owe the government thousands later.

Kelly

I would pull a credit report to see if there's other things he has co-signed for! So you are telling me he co-signed for his ex-wife to get a truck and you guys had to pay for some of it when she quit paying?? Oh man, you are WAY nicer than me!!! Did he co-sign this AFTER you guys were married? And if I paid for the truck, it would be sitting in MY driveway, not hers!

Then you work 2 jobs to pay HIS daughter's school loan? NOW he tells his 30 yr old daughter you will pay her DAYCARE if she gets a job???

And the EX goes gambling while you work 2 jobs? I don't buy for a minute she can not work.

I'm so sorry for you OP, but you have got to put a stop to this behavior!

 

[mom2grace]

You really need to sit down and talk about this with your husband.

And, I would be putting all of my money into an account that only I had access to, just saying.

Who is going to be there to pay for your younger kids' college?

One idea is that each child gets a set amount, and that is it. It could be a year (or 4) at your state university. If they want to make a different choice, then it's up to the child to come up with the difference. Give it as a GIFT and then be done with it, but make it very clear that there will be no more $$!