Trying so hard not to be resentful....

[kellyg403]

In the grand scheme of things I know that I should not be angry or resentful. But I am. I had to pick up a 2nd job recently working overnight in addition to my primary job. Thats not a problem for me, I understand that I have to, not that I want to. I value sleep just like anyone!

My dh and his ex promised their dd's college, just like my ex and I did. Again not the problem. But, dh was not vigilant in getting the particulars and now we are facing student loan payments in the amount of 600 a month for one dsd starting in May. We knew it was coming..not the amount. Dsd is already working fulltime, going to school full time to finish and paying 1/2 rent in the apartment she shares with mom. Mom isn't working as she was laid off in the fall. I understand, really, honestly I do how hard it is out there to find employment. But, she won't be paying her share, because she doesn't have a job and is living off her 401k, dh is already working 12-15 hours a day.

I happen to be friends with dsd on facebook as both of our lives are busy and we use to talk. The other day I saw mom talking about going to the casino and putting up a pic of her and her 'gambling' buddy. I just got angry. Now I am just angry and resentful. I am mad about everything. I have no right to be. Just plain think everything should be above board and honest from the get go. And I think she should be looking harder at getting an income so she can help with AT LEAST 100 bucks of the payments. Nope. And I refuse to punish DSD and make her pay 1/2 because the child made it this far and a few years ago I was worried she wouldn't even graduate high school let alone Dental Assistance school.

Sorry so long...just mad about it...and yes, I have blocked her so I can't even see comments or postings she makes on dsd page. What I don't know won't kill me.

BLAH.

Kelly

 

[Mermaid02]

In the grand scheme of things I know that I should not be angry or resentful. But I am. I had to pick up a 2nd job recently working overnight in addition to my primary job. Thats not a problem for me, I understand that I have to, not that I want to. I value sleep just like anyone!

My dh and his ex promised their dd's college, just like my ex and I did. Again not the problem. But, dh was not vigilant in getting the particulars and now we are facing student loan payments in the amount of 600 a month for one dsd starting in May. We knew it was coming..not the amount. Dsd is already working fulltime, going to school full time to finish and paying 1/2 rent in the apartment she shares with mom. Mom isn't working as she was laid off in the fall. I understand, really, honestly I do how hard it is out there to find employment. But, she won't be paying her share, because she doesn't have a job and is living off her 401k, dh is already working 12-15 hours a day.

I happen to be friends with dsd on facebook as both of our lives are busy and we use to talk. The other day I saw mom talking about going to the casino and putting up a pic of her and her 'gambling' buddy. I just got angry. Now I am just angry and resentful. I am mad about everything. I have no right to be. Just plain think everything should be above board and honest from the get go. And I think she should be looking harder at getting an income so she can help with AT LEAST 100 bucks of the payments. Nope. And I refuse to punish DSD and make her pay 1/2 because the child made it this far and a few years ago I was worried she wouldn't even graduate high school let alone Dental Assistance school.

Sorry so long...just mad about it...and yes, I have blocked her so I can't even see comments or postings she makes on dsd page. What I don't know won't kill me.

BLAH.

Kelly

I'd be resentful too. Good for you for putting your stepdaughter first though- too bad her Mother doesn't care about her as much as you do.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You reap what you sow. You sound like a good farmer.

DH was just telling me about his coworker who got cut 60,000 from his paycheck and he has 3 kids in college. Yea, he is freaking out.

 

[kellyg403]

I have run the figures in my head so much its crazy. My dd is in college using the GI bill from her dad, but there are still expenses. Since he did this we agreed that I would pay for next ds 100%, I have most of that saved and I can get him through the first 2 years without loans. That will be school year 2012. My other dsd will be going in the fall, I have one year of that saved...or so I thought...she decided to go with a different school than originally planned so I will need a little extra there. My youngest will be in college in 2014. So we will have 4 in school at the same time but, my children understand Jr. year there need to invest in themselves and help pay the bills. Dh and his ex chose to go another route and take full responsibility. I knew this and understood this but man, the last few days I have just been plain mad at the two of them.

I am contemplating taking ds's money and paying this loan off and then using the 2nd job to replenish the account. I just don't feel right about it though as dumb as that sounds. I will still need the 2nd job, and actually so far it hasn't been bad. I am sleep deprived which is why I think I am feeling a little more weepy and crappy.

The final straw was working all day yesterday, coming home and doing all those things and dh saying "um, next time you grocery shop you will probably need to buy frozed stuff so the boys and I don't have to eat out everyday"

I was almost a case on SNAPPED!

Kelly

 

[DisneyNutMary]

You have every right to be resentful. I think you are being great about it, a lot of people would be tempted to pick a fight with their husband or his ex over something like this- you made the right decision blocking her to prevent aggravating yourself.
Sadly, I think your DSD will suffer in the long run, it sounds like her mother does not always make rational decisions.

 

[SaraJayne]

I have run the figures in my head so much its crazy. My dd is in college using the GI bill from her dad, but there are still expenses. Since he did this we agreed that I would pay for next ds 100%, I have most of that saved and I can get him through the first 2 years without loans. That will be school year 2012. My other dsd will be going in the fall, I have one year of that saved...or so I thought...she decided to go with a different school than originally planned so I will need a little extra there. My youngest will be in college in 2014. So we will have 4 in school at the same time but, my children understand Jr. year there need to invest in themselves and help pay the bills. Dh and his ex chose to go another route and take full responsibility. I knew this and understood this but man, the last few days I have just been plain mad at the two of them.

I am contemplating taking ds's money and paying this loan off and then using the 2nd job to replenish the account. I just don't feel right about it though as dumb as that sounds. I will still need the 2nd job, and actually so far it hasn't been bad. I am sleep deprived which is why I think I am feeling a little more weepy and crappy.

The final straw was working all day yesterday, coming home and doing all those things and dh saying "um, next time you grocery shop you will probably need to buy frozed stuff so the boys and I don't have to eat out everyday"

I was almost a case on SNAPPED!

Kelly

I don't understand why it's your responsibility to pay for your step daughters education? I think since she's working, she needs to help put something towards the cost of the repayment.

I'd be resentful and angry, too, if I was forced into that situation.

 

[kellyg403]

You have every right to be resentful. I think you are being great about it, a lot of people would be tempted to pick a fight with their husband or his ex over something like this- you made the right decision blocking her to prevent aggravating yourself.
Sadly, I think your DSD will suffer in the long run, it sounds like her mother does not always make rational decisions.

Oh I am tempted TRUST ME. I am trying with everything in me to realize that I am tired and its going to get worse until I get a schedule going.

As for the rational...you don't even know. But hey, I knew all about things..its not like I didn't. I really should have paid more attention to everything but I was dealing with ADULTS so I figured they had it under control. From the beginning I understood we parented our children differently. It was hard until I figured it out..but you know the kids are kids.

Lesson learned...and I should have expected it more. Now, trying to figure out exactly what kind of loan dsd and mom signed up for and if I can pay it off BEFORE it becomes due I can not pay the 9% interest on the money.

Kelly

 

[kellyg403]

I don't understand why it's your responsibility to pay for your step daughters education? I think since she's working, she needs to help put something towards the cost of the repayment.

I'd be resentful and angry, too, if I was forced into that situation.

In the beginning I was upset about that part...but this dsd has had a long road. That she is in her final months getting ready for clinicals has thrilled me to no end. I don't think its right, she was promised that she would get the education if she applied herself and all of the sudden nobody wants to pony up. Pure T peeves me off. She already is working full time so she can pay 1/2 the rent in the apartment she shares with her mom. DH, welp, he always will be one of those people who thinks that people say they are going to do something, they will...regardless of how many times they HAVENT. We can swing the payments if they were less but not happening at this rate. I don't know why they didn't discuss this from the beginning. When dsd called and explained what she was doing, i paid the intial 1200.00 fee and books to get her started. Parents and she agreed.

DSD is drug free and working and going to school...I dont want her to backslide because of this situation. She is already saying once she gets a job she will start helping with the payments....but that is so wrong to me.

Kelly

 

[SaraJayne]

In the beginning I was upset about that part...but this dsd has had a long road. That she is in her final months getting ready for clinicals has thrilled me to no end. I don't think its right, she was promised that she would get the education if she applied herself and all of the sudden nobody wants to pony up. Pure T peeves me off. She already is working full time so she can pay 1/2 the rent in the apartment she shares with her mom. DH, welp, he always will be one of those people who thinks that people say they are going to do something, they will...regardless of how many times they HAVENT. We can swing the payments if they were less but not happening at this rate. I don't know why they didn't discuss this from the beginning. When dsd called and explained what she was doing, i paid the intial 1200.00 fee and books to get her started. Parents and she agreed.

DSD is drug free and working and going to school...I dont want her to backslide because of this situation. She is already saying once she gets a job she will start helping with the payments....but that is so wrong to me.

Kelly

I know you are trying to help and I appreciate that (and I hope DSD does, too).

But I feel it's up to HER parents to find the money, not you. They are the ones that promised her an education, NOT YOU.

So if that means your DH has to get a second job to pay for what he promised, then he gets a second job.

Millions of kids go through school using loans (in their own names, including me) and were responsible for paying them back.

Sometimes situations change and people need to adjust their expectations (like DSD not helping out with loan payments).

Like I said, I know it's a tough situation and you have have every right to be angry and resentful, since YOU are the one suffering for something that was promised long before you came in the picture. And now you are the one paying!

 

[kellyg403]

I know you are trying to help and I appreciate that (and I hope DSD does, too).

But I feel it's up to HER parents to find the money, not you. They are the ones that promised her an education, NOT YOU.

So if that means your DH has to get a second job to pay for what he promised, then he gets a second job.

Millions of kids go through school using loans (in their own names, including me) and were responsible for paying them back.

Sometimes situations change and people need to adjust their expectations (like DSD not helping out with loan payments).

Like I said, I know it's a tough situation and you have have every right to be angry and resentful, since YOU are the one suffering for something that was promised long before you came in the picture. And now you are the one paying!

I agree...I really honestly think they should have spoken about adjusting the expectations with the girls. Honestly. I do feel everyone should be invested in their own lives, my birth children get a free pass freshman year, no working etc so that they can adjust to college life and get good grades. My first ds thought I was kidding when I said he passed a class or paid me pack..until the first class he didn't and he had to come up with money to pay for one of his classes the next semester. He is the only one who had to get a job freshman year. I have NO IDEA why I don't feel this way with the girls.

DH is going to get another job eventually. Right now, he is working such long hours already and someone has to be here with the younger boys. I picked an overnight position because I figured they wouldn't miss me and I wouldn't feel guilty working all the hours they were awake. I could still be there for them too.

I guess I feel I am just being whinny. I know in the end it will work out and yes, I agree the parents should be taking the brunt of it. I made a decision to help and will stick to it. I just need to go to bed and get off the DIS!

Kelly

 

[pat fan]

"um, next time you grocery shop you will probably need to buy frozed stuff so the boys and I don't have to eat out everyday"

ummm...why can't he cook? It is much cheaper to buy actual food and cook your meals at home than to eat out or buy pre-made frozen stuff. I think it's the least he can do if you are out at a second job for his daughter's benefit. And bravo to you for doing it.

 

[golfgal]

Why not have her move in with you, don't charge her rent and have her put her 1/2 of the 'rent' money she is paying toward her loans?

I know that she was "promised" her education but if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. I don't see where you need to pick up the mom's slack. Let HER figure that out. It's too bad but it is also life. Do you have someone paying your bills for you? Your DSD is an adult, she can put her loans into deferment if she can't afford them yet or she can set them up so they are sliding scale based on her income. Honestly, $600/month is a LOT in student loan payments--what is she studying and will her salary compensate for the amount of loans taken out?

The other thing that concerns me is the other children in the family. If your DH is working 15 hours/day and you are going to work 15 hours/day, who is spending time with them??

 

[golfgal]

ummm...why can't he cook? It is much cheaper to buy actual food and cook your meals at home than to eat out or buy pre-made frozen stuff. I think it's the least he can do if you are out at a second job for his daughter's benefit. And bravo to you for doing it.

Or better yet, why can't the DH grocery shop?

 

[OceanAnnie]

Why not have her move in with you, don't charge her rent and have her put her 1/2 of the 'rent' money she is paying toward her loans?

I know that she was "promised" her education but if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. I don't see where you need to pick up the mom's slack. Let HER figure that out. It's too bad but it is also life. Do you have someone paying your bills for you? Your DSD is an adult, she can put her loans into deferment if she can't afford them yet or she can set them up so they are sliding scale based on her income. Honestly, $600/month is a LOT in student loan payments--what is she studying and will her salary compensate for the amount of loans taken out?

The other thing that concerns me is the other children in the family. If your DH is working 15 hours/day and you are going to work 15 hours/day, who is spending time with them??

That is an excellent idea!

I was wondering about the $600/month too. It is steep!

And the issue with with the kids is a good one too.

OP, it sounds like you are paying a very high price for the mistakes/misfortune of others (unsound decisions, unemployment, mismanagement in general). I don't know what the solution would be, but something would have to give in this situation.

 

[kellyg403]

Yes, DH knows that he will have to step up where the shopping cooking is concerned...it was my 'snapped' moment.

I have no idea what is going on with things re: the loan. DSD lives in AZ and she and her mom were the ones that did all the loans and things. DH was
'supposed' to know what was going on. My guess is that he didn't pay attention. I have no idea. Initially, mom wanted payments sent directly to her but I vetoed the idea. I wanted proof that the payments were such and such and where they went. I had a picture in my head of sending 600 bucks and it was going elsewhere. I asked for the documentation from dsd about 3 weeks ago and it hasn't arrived yet. So, depending on what is going on it might not be as much as mom is saying...but I don't want to accuse anyone of lying and I don't have proof of such so I am going forward knowing the amount 'may be' ....

That is what is making me resentful..the time away from my ds's. I hope hope hope that once my schedule even's out it won't be so bad. I work a varying schedule at my primary job but mostly a day shift. So, I work 4 nights 12am to 6am and then go to my primary job after running home and getting a shower. I am home with them after school and for running around. Both boys have things they do. Plus dsd that lives with us has activities. I then lay down around 7. So far I feel so tired just because I haven't figured out how to do things and my body has not adjusted to a different 'time zone'.

Dh is self employed and usually leaves the house around 4am and gets home around 5pm, sometimes 6. So he is having a difficult time finding something to fit in his schedule.

I think sometimes he needs an edit button I can push everytime he says something stupid. He isn't trying to be mean or unkind, he isn't that way. Just dumb. Or niave. Today I work 3 to 11 at my primary job and head over to the other at 12. The good news is that I have all day with the boys because I didn't work last night 12-6. I will tonight and tomorrow night, it really actually worked out well this week. Dh also works 6 days a week.

Mom could help but i can't force her. I also could be lying when i say dsd is paying 1/2 the rent because this is one of those things we have had issue in the past. One says this one says that so I stay OUT OF IT. For all I know its one huge mirage. I am worried too that dh has signed something and he doesn't realize its consequences, we are on the hook for the money. I just am a planner and the stress of worrying when I could be out there preparing myself is a much better alternative.

As I said to dh I might just save up the money for my own apartment instead of college expenses if things don't start evening out here. I felt bad, but I also feel angry that we can have conversations, I can get a second job but he can't seem to have this conversation with the mom. Look, I am an ex wife and I would never ever expect their stepmom to do anything. She is a great 'friend' to the kids but I am their mother and responsible for them. So, I guess I just get mad I am always the stepmonster, mom is so wonderful yet here we are again.

Kelly

 

[OceanAnnie]

Yes, DH knows that he will have to step up where the shopping cooking is concerned...it was my 'snapped' moment.

I have no idea what is going on with things re: the loan. DSD lives in AZ and she and her mom were the ones that did all the loans and things. DH was
'supposed' to know what was going on. My guess is that he didn't pay attention. I have no idea. Initially, mom wanted payments sent directly to her but I vetoed the idea. I wanted proof that the payments were such and such and where they went. I had a picture in my head of sending 600 bucks and it was going elsewhere. I asked for the documentation from dsd about 3 weeks ago and it hasn't arrived yet. So, depending on what is going on it might not be as much as mom is saying...but I don't want to accuse anyone of lying and I don't have proof of such so I am going forward knowing the amount 'may be' ....

That is what is making me resentful..the time away from my ds's. I hope hope hope that once my schedule even's out it won't be so bad. I work a varying schedule at my primary job but mostly a day shift. So, I work 4 nights 12am to 6am and then go to my primary job after running home and getting a shower. I am home with them after school and for running around. Both boys have things they do. Plus dsd that lives with us has activities. I then lay down around 7. So far I feel so tired just because I haven't figured out how to do things and my body has not adjusted to a different 'time zone'.

Dh is self employed and usually leaves the house around 4am and gets home around 5pm, sometimes 6. So he is having a difficult time finding something to fit in his schedule.

I think sometimes he needs an edit button I can push everytime he says something stupid. He isn't trying to be mean or unkind, he isn't that way. Just dumb. Or niave. Today I work 3 to 11 at my primary job and head over to the other at 12. The good news is that I have all day with the boys because I didn't work last night 12-6. I will tonight and tomorrow night, it really actually worked out well this week. Dh also works 6 days a week.

Mom could help but i can't force her. I also could be lying when i say dsd is paying 1/2 the rent because this is one of those things we have had issue in the past. One says this one says that so I stay OUT OF IT. For all I know its one huge mirage. I am worried too that dh has signed something and he doesn't realize its consequences, we are on the hook for the money. I just am a planner and the stress of worrying when I could be out there preparing myself is a much better alternative.

As I said to dh I might just save up the money for my own apartment instead of college expenses if things don't start evening out here. I felt bad, but I also feel angry that we can have conversations, I can get a second job but he can't seem to have this conversation with the mom. Look, I am an ex wife and I would never ever expect their stepmom to do anything. She is a great 'friend' to the kids but I am their mother and responsible for them. So, I guess I just get mad I am always the stepmonster, mom is so wonderful yet here we are again.

Kelly

Kelly, this is what jumps out to me in big red letters.

You have taken on the responsibility for this loan. You should know ALL about it. I think you need to get all the paperwork that has an impact on your life. Review it. Get together a short term and long term plan to attack it. Short term for your involvement and a transition or bridge to hand it over to DSD. Then the long term plan for DSD to manage her responsibility.

She may need to renegotiate the loan, as circumstances have changed drastically. That is what I would recommend. You will probably need to be involved with the process. I would be, since I assumed responsibility. I (and DH) would go with DSD to speak with a representative at the loan agency about the changes in household status. It can be done. You should not have to shoulder this. I would only help until a change has taken place. You just can not be expected to handle this.

I had loans to repay when I graduated from college. I didn't have any help from my parents. I know this situation is different, but the goal should be to have DSD assume the lead asap.

 

[Mermaid02]

Yes, DH knows that he will have to step up where the shopping cooking is concerned...it was my 'snapped' moment.

I have no idea what is going on with things re: the loan. DSD lives in AZ and she and her mom were the ones that did all the loans and things. DH was
'supposed' to know what was going on. My guess is that he didn't pay attention. I have no idea. Initially, mom wanted payments sent directly to her but I vetoed the idea. I wanted proof that the payments were such and such and where they went. I had a picture in my head of sending 600 bucks and it was going elsewhere. I asked for the documentation from dsd about 3 weeks ago and it hasn't arrived yet. So, depending on what is going on it might not be as much as mom is saying...but I don't want to accuse anyone of lying and I don't have proof of such so I am going forward knowing the amount 'may be' ....

That is what is making me resentful..the time away from my ds's. I hope hope hope that once my schedule even's out it won't be so bad. I work a varying schedule at my primary job but mostly a day shift. So, I work 4 nights 12am to 6am and then go to my primary job after running home and getting a shower. I am home with them after school and for running around. Both boys have things they do. Plus dsd that lives with us has activities. I then lay down around 7. So far I feel so tired just because I haven't figured out how to do things and my body has not adjusted to a different 'time zone'.

Dh is self employed and usually leaves the house around 4am and gets home around 5pm, sometimes 6. So he is having a difficult time finding something to fit in his schedule.

I think sometimes he needs an edit button I can push everytime he says something stupid. He isn't trying to be mean or unkind, he isn't that way. Just dumb. Or niave. Today I work 3 to 11 at my primary job and head over to the other at 12. The good news is that I have all day with the boys because I didn't work last night 12-6. I will tonight and tomorrow night, it really actually worked out well this week. Dh also works 6 days a week.

Mom could help but i can't force her. I also could be lying when i say dsd is paying 1/2 the rent because this is one of those things we have had issue in the past. One says this one says that so I stay OUT OF IT. For all I know its one huge mirage. I am worried too that dh has signed something and he doesn't realize its consequences, we are on the hook for the money. I just am a planner and the stress of worrying when I could be out there preparing myself is a much better alternative.

As I said to dh I might just save up the money for my own apartment instead of college expenses if things don't start evening out here. I felt bad, but I also feel angry that we can have conversations, I can get a second job but he can't seem to have this conversation with the mom. Look, I am an ex wife and I would never ever expect their stepmom to do anything. She is a great 'friend' to the kids but I am their mother and responsible for them. So, I guess I just get mad I am always the stepmonster, mom is so wonderful yet here we are again.

Kelly

Ya know what? I think I might bow out if I were you. Obviously you are WAY stressed out about this and how is that fair to your own kids? BioMom seems to not have a care in the world- You found 2 jobs, I bet she could find one.

 

[okeydokey]

My parents refused to take out loans in their names for my education. They did help with expenses as they could, helped pay rent, etc but the loans were in MY name, it was my education. I will follow their lead when my kids go to college.

 

[kimmar067]

...I feel your pain....my DH owns his own business, but times are very tight right now. With him, no work no paycheck, so we've been living off mine, while trying to put my DS through college too. I feel so bad for him, because, basically, HE'S had to pay this semester's tuition, because the State decided to take away his grant. I feel terrible about this - I'm STILL paying his Catholic school bills, my OTHER DS'S college bills AND mine (I got my Masters 4 years ago). Each week it gets harder and harder to pay the bills. What really angers me is I can distinctly remember Obama [when he was running for office] talking about a 'free' (or substantially-reduced) college education for those who are going into the 'service' careers, like education or law-enforcement, and in return, they provide volunteer time in their communities. Well, my DS has already DONE that - where's HIS 'reward'??

Would it be prudent to have your DH talk to his ex, to see if she can kick in ANY type of money towards your DSD's education?

 

[OceanAnnie]

Ya know what? I think I might bow out if I were you. Obviously you are WAY stressed out about this and how is that fair to your own kids? BioMom seems to not have a care in the world- You found 2 jobs, I bet she could find one.

I know! I feel for you, Kelly. I really do.

You need a way out of this mess and soon. For your sake and the sake of your family.