Totally fell down the Rabbit Hole like Alice, I need some advice ASAP - See post 103

[Jennasis]

This is both fascinating and infuriating. OP, hugs to you. Good luck with however you choose to handle the situation.

 

[TwinsinCA]

I still don't get what you are supposed to apologize for?

The way I read it DIL is upset at the OP over the fact that Sarah overheard the conversation that was meant for OP's ears only and got involved. As "out there" as DIL's comments were, she had the expectation that no one else was hearing it. When she found out her SIL heard every word she was mad at the OP for allowing that. (OP could have turned the volume down in the phone, left the room, etc.)

 

[Lionqueen2]

Maybe you could have another heart to heart conversation with your son to help you figure out what real issues DIL is having. It doesn't seem like your going to WDW and tailgating, etc. would be enough to make someone angry. You DIL is upset with you, but seems to be avoiding the real problem and substituting it other things that you do. It also might be a good idea to speak with your other son since his wife was involved also. Maybe between your two sons you can get some insight that would help you to deal with whatever the real issue is.

 

[C.Ann]

Two words come to mind in regards to your DIL's - ungrateful and jealous..

There is no reason for you to change to suit them.. Their "concerns" are so ridiculous I would be laughing - were it not for the fact that I can tell from your post that you are very hurt..

Just continue to be yourself.. Either they will accept it or they won't.. You will never be able to please "everyone", so there's no point in even trying..

I would drop the whole matter - forget it ever happened - and go about your business as you normally would..

This is nonsense..

 

[lucyanna girl]

My husband an I have made a discussion. We went out to dinner, relaxed a little (not much sleep last night and a day full of bewilderment) and on our way home we decided that I will call DIL but not until tomorrow night after a (hopefully) nights rest.

I am going to tell her that we love her very much and we hope it helped her to voice her concerns. I plan to tell her I hope she feels better now and if she needs us we are here for her.

I do not intend to say I'm sorry because I have done nothing to be sorry for.

I am going to do my best to end this. Not because I have to but because I want to. I want to be able to keep on seeing those babies and their parents. I already hate them being three hours away. If it takes going over her list with her I will do it.

Will this give her a sense of winning? Maybe, I don't know.

In this life we should pick our battles carefully. Some things are much too precious to risk over pride and the desire to prove that you are right. My babies are that important to me. Maybe that is one of the things that become clearer to us as we age. When I was thirty I would probably have just told her to go fish.

Friday night I will be at the ballgame cheering our team (and our Freshman grandson in his over sized shoulder pads and Sarah's boy friend) on.

I don't have any intention of changing the way I live my life.

Thank you all. Keep your fingers crossed, please.

Penny

 

[Stacerita]

My husband an I have made a discussion. We went out to dinner, relaxed a little (not much sleep last night and a day full of bewilderment) and on our way home we decided that I will call DIL but not until tomorrow night after a (hopefully) nights rest.

I am going to tell her that we love her very much and we hope it helped her to voice her concerns. I plan to tell her I hope she feels better now and if she needs us we are here for her.

I do not intend to say I'm sorry because I have done nothing to be sorry for.

I am going to do my best to end this. Not because I have to but because I want to. I want to be able to keep on seeing those babies and their parents. I already hate them being three hours away. If it takes going over her list with her I will do it.

Will this give her a sense of winning? Maybe, I don't know.

In this life we should pick our battles carefully. Some things are much too precious to risk over pride and the desire to prove that you are right. My babies are that important to me. Maybe that is one of the things that become clearer to us as we age. When I was thirty I would probably have just told her to go fish.

Friday night I will be at the ballgame cheering our team (and our Freshman grandson in his over sized shoulder pads and Sarah's boy friend) on.

I don't have any intention of changing the way I live my life.

Thank you all. Keep your fingers crossed, please.

Penny

to the bolded.

Sounds like a great plan.

Good luck at the game on Friday!

 

[Disney Doll]

OP, don't be surprised if you soon hear that son and DIL are having marital difficulties. Something about this whole thing seems "off" to me...for it to come out of the blue is just weird. There has to be an underlying issue...even if you don't know about it...and your son's comment to "make peace" is very telling to me.

I think your plan is a good one BTW.

I am sorry your DILs are causing you such angst. I would never have dreamed of saying such things to my MIL.

 

[disykat]

I agree with DD about the other stuff - possibly marriage troubles. Many years ago when I first started teaching a parent went off on me out of the blue. A more experienced collegue said to me "When it comes out of the blue like that 10 - 1 they're having marriage troubles and it's not about you." Sure enough I got the apologetic phone call several weeks later explaining their situation and thanking me for what a wonderful teacher I was etc.

I think your reply sounds like the best choice if you feel you need to reply. Hopefully DIL can calm down and figure out what the real issue is and find solutions. (Blaming her MIL's love of Disney and going to football games really wasn't much of a solution to any problem IMO!)

 

[pogo791]

My husband an I have made a discussion. We went out to dinner, relaxed a little (not much sleep last night and a day full of bewilderment) and on our way home we decided that I will call DIL but not until tomorrow night after a (hopefully) nights rest.

I am going to tell her that we love her very much and we hope it helped her to voice her concerns. I plan to tell her I hope she feels better now and if she needs us we are here for her.

I do not intend to say I'm sorry because I have done nothing to be sorry for.

[ . . . ]

Friday night I will be at the ballgame cheering our team (and our Freshman grandson in his over sized shoulder pads and Sarah's boy friend) on.

I don't have any intention of changing the way I live my life.

Thank you all. Keep your fingers crossed, please. Penny

Penny, that sounds like an excellent plan. You can be sure that fingers will be crossed all over the DIS.

And I hope your team wins on Friday!

 

[disneymarie]

Penny,
She has really crossed the lines.
One night my dil and son asked me why I don't call them to baby sit for them to have a night out. I laughed so hard I cried.
No lie, they are here every night possible for supper, be in they yard and family trips. Like they live here.

Then there are the days, no middle of the night trips to take one of them to the ER and staying there for 10 hours..Son has health problems that cause unbearablemigraines. (as do I).

Any time I am asked to watch dgs I do. even on short motice when I am exhausted.

I would ignore her, makle a family joke of how she is old beyond her years to really enjoy life.
Print her comments you listed here and when she is a grandmother, send her the letter of her comments right back.

I am a 54 yours, mine and ours. Only the older son has a child. Our dd is 14 next week. dh is 61 and I am 54.
But, we rarely have time for our self, nor the money for entertainment at all.
DH job of 41 years closed up. I was laid off over a year ago. We have some pt work, not enough.

I hope you live life to the fullest and not let a memory making moment go buy,
When my oldest dd passed away there was not much more then her teddy bear she could take with her and a few pictures of family memories,
Memories we had of Disney the prior Fall.

You are a great woman, mom and grandmom.
di

 

[Blytheny]

To Lucyanna girl...

I just read this whole thread, and I think the solution you and your DH came up with is the best way to go. You are being kind, calm, and letting her vent... w/o it affecting you and how you live your life one little bit.

The one thing I wanted to add -- if there is a kind way to get this across (and I'm sure you could find one, you seem to be very good at thinking things through and remaining rationale and calm and kind) is to ask her why these things (beyond the babysitting issue) matter so much to her. I would ask her in all honesty why it matters to her how you and your DH live your life?? Your son/her husband is married and out of the house, they live 3hrs away... why does it matter to her what you do with your time, or how your relationship is with your daughter? Shouldn't the fact that you have a great relationship with your teen daughter give your DiL hope that you will thus be able to maintain a great relationship with her children, and would she prefer it if your teen daughter hated spending time with you, wanted to be out of the house and away from you and you just sat around all the time, bored and waiting for your grown children to come and entertain you?? I don't think she'd like being on the receiving end of those expectations, either.

I just can't get over a grown woman being upset that her MiL is out enjoying life and being a great mom.... maybe if she was your daughter, and had issues w/ her younger sibling getting more time or freedom than she did, there'd be some sense to it... all kids have these issues... but good grief, she's your DiL, not your child... I just can't figure out why it matters. My MiL is 66 and travels constantly, and I LOVE it... I love that she is independent and happy and fulfilled, not waiting for us to keep her happy. I also know that she thinks my DH and I are crazy for our love of Disney... but could care less that her opinion is different than mine/ours. We are different people, I would expect our likes/dislikes and how we live our lives to be different!!

Good luck to you... I think opening up the lines of communication is a good idea, I hope that your DiL is able to remain calm and listen to you rationally and you guys can use this to understand one another better. But bottom line?? I'd really want to know why she cares about these things... b/c there's just GOT to be an underlying issue behind it all. Hugs to you!!

 

[luvsJack]

My husband an I have made a discussion. We went out to dinner, relaxed a little (not much sleep last night and a day full of bewilderment) and on our way home we decided that I will call DIL but not until tomorrow night after a (hopefully) nights rest.

I am going to tell her that we love her very much and we hope it helped her to voice her concerns. I plan to tell her I hope she feels better now and if she needs us we are here for her.

I do not intend to say I'm sorry because I have done nothing to be sorry for.

I am going to do my best to end this. Not because I have to but because I want to. I want to be able to keep on seeing those babies and their parents. I already hate them being three hours away. If it takes going over her list with her I will do it.

Will this give her a sense of winning? Maybe, I don't know.

In this life we should pick our battles carefully. Some things are much too precious to risk over pride and the desire to prove that you are right. My babies are that important to me. Maybe that is one of the things that become clearer to us as we age. When I was thirty I would probably have just told her to go fish.

Friday night I will be at the ballgame cheering our team (and our Freshman grandson in his over sized shoulder pads and Sarah's boy friend) on.

I don't have any intention of changing the way I live my life.

Thank you all. Keep your fingers crossed, please.

Penny

I think this sounds like the best plan. You are making peace with out giving in to her. It will be for the best in the end, and maybe she will feel comfortable telling you what the real issue is.

I just don't think its marital problems, I think she is jealous and expects all of your attention. She thinks she should get from you what she gets from her own family.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I am going to do my best to end this. Not because I have to but because I want to. I want to be able to keep on seeing those babies and their parents. I already hate them being three hours away. If it takes going over her list with her I will do it.

Good luck with "ending it". The only thing I see happening with you going over her list with her is a great big fight and her cutting you off like she has already threatened to do.

It's her drama and she's the star of it. To her you're just a supporting actress in her life. It's when you decide you'd rather be the star of your own life instead of the supporting actress in her life that she seems to have problems.

 

[Disney Doll]

One thing to add lucyanna....if she starts trying to go over things piece by piece, I think I'd very gently cut her off with "I wrote down what you said so I could think on it. There's no need to go over it all again".

You're still not apologizing, she thinks she's been heard, all is well.

I'd still prepare my self for the inevitable bomb....marital difficulties, post-partum depression, another issue with her own family that she feels she cannot address with them so she is lashing out at you...I just can't help but think something's coming. I agree with the PP who said that whenever something comes out of the blue, there's something behind it that probably has no relationship to you. The "you won't see the kids" comment leads me to think it's marital and she's "laying the groundwork" for when the separation/divorce happens.

I certainly wish you well with this situation, but I don't think it's over.

 

[FINFAN]

I have not read the whole thread, I am commenting on the first post by OP:
I think your DIL is intentionally making a divide , (she threw in the need for more baby-sitting comment so she looks like she is not alienating you) You have a full and active life, you are happy and content, have friends of all ages and circles. Your general attitude and outlook on life are not the same as hers, she sounds bitter. I think she feels threatened that she cannot pull of as wonderful a life as you and your DH have, therefor she has to rip it apart now to justify if she is a social failure later in her own life.I mean, she itemized areas of your life and analyzed them cmoparing them to what? Her own future I would guess. I have seen this many times, simple jealousy. I would say envy, but to me envy is wishing to be more like someone, but jealousy invoves being mean and hurtful. You are awesome, maintain YOUR life, do what you can to still see your grandkids. I am sorry your DIL has felt the need to create this issue.. She is setting a trap that you will get caught in...by commenting or talking with her you are validating her claims, that she is obviously right or you would not be defending you actions etc. We have some manipulative people in my family..snd she sounds like them a lot.

 

[rie'smom]

My husband an I have made a discussion. We went out to dinner, relaxed a little (not much sleep last night and a day full of bewilderment) and on our way home we decided that I will call DIL but not until tomorrow night after a (hopefully) nights rest.

I am going to tell her that we love her very much and we hope it helped her to voice her concerns. I plan to tell her I hope she feels better now and if she needs us we are here for her.

I do not intend to say I'm sorry because I have done nothing to be sorry for.

I am going to do my best to end this. Not because I have to but because I want to. I want to be able to keep on seeing those babies and their parents. I already hate them being three hours away. If it takes going over her list with her I will do it.

Will this give her a sense of winning? Maybe, I don't know.

In this life we should pick our battles carefully. Some things are much too precious to risk over pride and the desire to prove that you are right. My babies are that important to me. Maybe that is one of the things that become clearer to us as we age. When I was thirty I would probably have just told her to go fish.

Friday night I will be at the ballgame cheering our team (and our Freshman grandson in his over sized shoulder pads and Sarah's boy friend) on.

I don't have any intention of changing the way I live my life.

Thank you all. Keep your fingers crossed, please.

Penny

Penny, I'm praying that it works out for you.

 

[TupperMom7]

Sounds like your DIL is jealous of your life to me. Just brush it off and don't even address her issues with her. Your life sounds just great to me! Now if you were donning a cheerleader outfit and jumping up and down at the games, that would be a different story.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I hate to sound crass but what is wrong with your son?! If I ever called my MIL with a list of "complaints" like you listed my dh would be so mad and then he would think I lost my mind. No way would he expect my MIL to apologize for how she spends her time and money. That is none of my business. I cannot believe that your son wants you to make peace when his wife is sticking her nose where it doesn't belong. I get that you want to see them etc. but imo this is just the beginning. Once she gets away with this be prepared for her next "problem." Good luck.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, I think I was the first to identify marital troubles... (trouble in paradise)

OP, I think that it is a good plan to cool down, and then call and try to have some kind of a meaningful conversation.

But, unfortunately, I have to say that I still do not see the correct attitude in your post... I am hearing - " I have done nothing wrong, I am not g oing to apologize, I am not going to change how I live my life"

I don't think that this angle is going to be as effective as you want.

I... I... I...

You are going to have remember that this is NOT about you.
As many others have mentioned.
There are issues here, and they involve her.

Unfortunately, no matter how 'wrong' and 'across the line' your DIL was, you need to make sure that the focus is on HER and what HER issues are.

You need to find out what is really upsetting her. And, if she does need for you to make room in your life to help a bit more and be more involved with your grandchild, are you really refusing to do that? Are you really the unable to see any room for improvement or possible error on your part? (that is a big sign of narcissism)

I wish you the best!!!!
I hope you can cool down a bit more, and are able to have a helpful conversation!

I hope you all can find some peace.

 

[rie'smom]

Yes, I think I was the first to identify marital troubles... (trouble in paradise)

OP, I think that it is a good plan to cool down, and then call and try to have some kind of a meaningful conversation.

But, unfortunately, I have to say that I still do not see the correct attitude in your post... I am hearing - " I have done nothing wrong, I am not g oing to apologize, I am not going to change how I live my life"

I don't think that this angle is going to be as effective as you want.

I... I... I...

You are going to have remember that this is NOT about you.
As many others have mentioned.
There are issues here, and they involve her.

Unfortunately, no matter how 'wrong' and 'across the line' your DIL was, you need to make sure that the focus is on HER and what HER issues are.

You need to find out what is really upsetting her. And, if she does need for you to make room in your life to help a bit more and be more involved with your grandchild, are you really refusing to do that? Are you really the unable to see any room for improvement or possible error on your part? (that is a big sign of narcissism)

I wish you the best!!!!
I hope you can cool down a bit more, and are able to have a helpful conversation!

I hope you all can find some peace.

Her attitude is 100% correct. Any therapist will tell you that the problem arises when one party says you, you, you did whatever. Penny is owning what she does and says she won't change. Good for her. I wonder if any of us would change the innocent way we live our lives because a DIL doesn't like it. It isn't as though Penny has a stripper pole in her living room and charges an entrance fee for her guests. She goes to ball games and to WDW. Most of us would be hated by in laws if this were logical criteria for criticism.