Totally fell down the Rabbit Hole like Alice, I need some advice ASAP - See post 103

[PinkRhombus]

As a DIL...here is my take.

Your DIL's were WAY out of line.

BUT! How to explain this...I can't think of one person that we know who is our age and has young kids...and has a younger sibiling still at home with their parents. Most of these now grandparents are very involved with their grandkids.

So maybe they feel they're getting left out of what their other friends are experiencing in regards to the granparent/grandkid relationship.

As far as the babysitting goes...my MIL rarely asks to take the kids on her own. Usually when other relatives are in town. Otherwise, we have to initiate everything. It makes me feel like I'm imposing on them, especially since they don't ask on their own. I know they love spending time with them though.

 

[dispor]

I am also curious as to how see ran into two of Sarah's friends. I don't know the answer.

I wasn't actually at the party. The reason DIL made the trip north was because of her niece's birthday party. We live a half an hour further away, a couple of towns more up the road. Since DIL planned to return home that day I offered to meet her and buy her lunch to see the babies and her. She told me to meet her at the park after the party. party was 10:30 till 12:30.

I arrived at the park at 12:30. Most of the party goers were still there and lingered around an hour more, past the time for the party to have ended. No problem for me, I am cordial with them.

Penny

Thanks for clarifying that. I didn't realize she had come to YOUR area for the party. I thought it was near where she lived. Now I can see how she might have run into the friends. Seriously though, to let you buy her lunch and then turn around and be nasty to you - argh! She's a gem.

 

[EthansMom]

It's not your job to take responsibility for your DIL's feelings. I wouldn't call her right away to try to "make nice"... doing so could either (1) encourage her to feel that she is in the right with her behavior or (2) escalate into even more drama if you don't say things EXACTLY the right way. Your DS is out of line in asking you to call because it will "make his life easier"... using guilt to get you to make the first step is wrong.

I agree with the posters who say that DIL's drama likely has NOTHING to do with you... she is using you as the convenient scapegoat for some other issue(s) she has whether those are stress, depression, etc...

Personally, I would just avoid any discussions with DIL for now and let her have some time to cool off. Maybe send her a card that says something along the lines of, "No matter what our differences, I love you."

 

[cabanafrau]

It's not your job to take responsibility for your DIL's feelings. I wouldn't call her right away to try to "make nice"... doing so could either (1) encourage her to feel that she is in the right with her behavior or (2) escalate into even more drama if you don't say things EXACTLY the right way. Your DS is out of line in asking you to call because it will "make his life easier"... using guilt to get you to make the first step is wrong.

I agree with the posters who say that DIL's drama likely has NOTHING to do with you... she is using you as the convenient scapegoat for some other issue(s) she has whether those are stress, depression, etc...

Personally, I would just avoid any discussions with DIL for now and let her have some time to cool off. Maybe send her a card that says something along the lines of, "No matter what our differences, I love you."

I like the card idea very much. It gets across the point of "let's agree to disagree" in a much gentler way. That seems like a great way to let both sides "win", which can only benefit the whole family in the end.

 

[mickeyboat]

I am so sorry you are going through this Penny. If I had to guess, I would say your DIL might be facing some PPD and is feeling overwhelmed, which has caused her to stew and spew. I hope you resolve things soon.

I had a similar problem with my mother this summer, and I let her have it. I am sure many here would have flamed me if my mother had posted what I said to her. But I needed to say it and we needed to work through it.

Is it possible your DIL misunderstood something you might have said? Is it possible she heard something from someone else that might have caused her to go off on you?

I don't think it sounds like you are doing anything wrong, but it appears she wants to see more of you, and she possibly feels that they are a burden to you when they visit because you are so busy. Could you invite her and the kids down during a long weekend or school vacation? Could you dedicate some time to them where they are the sole focus of your attention? Maybe you could order out instead of cooking one night.

I am not saying you should roll over and give up. What she said to you was wrong. But although you don't have to engage her on this, you will have to continue to deal with her for years and years to come.

Good luck.

Denae

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I still don't get what you are supposed to apologize for? Why is it anyone's businedd how you spend your free time and money? Are you supposed to say "Gee, I am so sorry that I love WDW so much. Please forgive me."?
That is ridiculous!

 

[Seewhatimesdone]

I'm horrified by your post. How dare they talk to you that way. That makes me furious! She honestly feels like she has a right to tell you how you should live your life? What, you can't like Disney past a certain age?? How ridiculous! And you can't go to your own grandchildren's games? I would stay away from her. She sounds like she has some seroius mental issues!

 

[luvsJack]

I want to say something that may be a bit on the opposite side from everyone else.

First off, I IN NO WAY think you are to blame for this situation or have done anything wrong--at all.

BUT, you may want to consider all of this from your son's point of view; because I would assume that he is the one you care about (and your grandchild). I had some issues with my dil and not wanting to start anything, I kept quiet until I just couldn't anymore. We had a big blow out. I said my peace and did not regret it except that it caused a strain for my son and still does to an extent. For his sake, I had a heart to heart with my dil and although I didn't actually aplogize; we came to some agreements and compromises. I actually discovered what it was she needed from me for us to be able to have an acceptable relationship.

I am not saying you should apologize; I am just saying that maybe for your sons sake you could over the olive branch and offer to have a conversation with her about all of her "issuses" with you.

 

[wdwfan16]

OP I think what your DIL did was wrong but the more I read of your posts you seem to think too much of yourself. You never honored your son's wish of calling the DIL. That to me was very telling.

(I only read all of the OPs posts.)

 

[Motherofboys]

OP I think what your DIL did was wrong but the more I read of your posts you seem to think too much of yourself. You never honored your son's wish of calling the DIL. That to me was very telling.

(I only read all of the OPs posts.)

Huh, and all this time I thought it was "honor thy father and mother"

I didn't know I had it backwards.

This is her DIL, not her mother! What right did she have to call the OP and tell her how to live her life and question what she likes, where she goes, how her and her daughter spend their time???

Her son should have told his wife that she overstepped her bounds and was disrespectful to his mother. It is a blemish on his character that he did not. Not the other way around!

Seriously, she "thinks too much of herself" b/c she isn't the selfless martyr who enables her DIL not to have to "touch a child" when she is around and has her own life and activities and doesn't abide by her son's requests???

 

[sunnyday123]

Can't say the thought didn't cross our minds

She's smarter than that though, it was going to be made in payments to him and he had to agree to move home too (5 hours away from me and the kids).

Seriously, I could write a book if it wasn't so dang ridiculous and embarrassing!

The kids were already there and she still offered this?? What a whack job.

Wait, how long would the payments have been drug out??

 

[lucyanna girl]

My son and his wife are both school teachers. He called me after he got to school this morning, he is a coach and has a little more freedom to make calls. DIL teaches second grade. She cannot be reached until late this afternoon. If she answers her phone then. I tried to call her when she texted me last night that she could easily cut me off and she refused to answer her phone.

I honestly have not yet decided how to handle this.

If I do call it will be for my Grand-babies sake.

Penny

 

[momrek06]

OP I think what your DIL did was wrong but the more I read of your posts you seem to think too much of yourself. You never honored your son's wish of calling the DIL. That to me was very telling.

OP, first of all I am sorry you are having these issues with your DIL. I would not call her. I would hope that your DSon would go home, talk to his wife, and then DSon should suggest to his wife to call YOU. That is JMHO.

If DIL indeed calls and feels she was out of line, accept her apology and then move on. I would not bring every little issue back up. Move ON and UP..for your DSon's sake, for your DGChildren's sake and esp for YOU.

 

[wenrob]

OP I think what your DIL did was wrong but the more I read of your posts you seem to think too much of yourself. You never honored your son's wish of calling the DIL. That to me was very telling.

(I only read all of the OPs posts.)

What? So would YOU call someone who insulted you and threatened you with putting them out of their lives because they don't like how you spend your free time? To my knowledge the OP has not decided whether she is going to call her DIL or not. And since when do parents have to honor their child's wishes to appease their spouses out of the blue tirades? The OP from what I can tell is trying very, VERY hard to figure out where her DIL is coming from. More then I'd do, I can tell that, I'd tell her to kiss my a$$. She didn't do anything wrong, she doesn't need to "honor" anybody's wishes.

 

[Skywalker]

OP I think what your DIL did was wrong but the more I read of your posts you seem to think too much of yourself. You never honored your son's wish of calling the DIL. That to me was very telling.

(I only read all of the OPs posts.)

Well, as harsh as that sounds...it IS wise to remember that there are two sides to every story. OP, it wouldn't hurt to really think about if you have any part to play in this at all. If not, great.

 

[merryweather20]

OP I think what your DIL did was wrong but the more I read of your posts you seem to think too much of yourself. You never honored your son's wish of calling the DIL. That to me was very telling.

(I only read all of the OPs posts.)

Alright I thought I was confused by the OP's post. But yours? What in the world? She thinks too much of yourself because she couldn't call the daughter? Huh?

It doesn't sound like the son stood up for her at all, so she's supposed to "honor" his every "wish". Heck, why would that mean she thought "too much of yourself anyway"?

 

[pogo791]

OP I think what your DIL did was wrong but the more I read of your posts you seem to think too much of yourself. You never honored your son's wish of calling the DIL. That to me was very telling.

(I only read all of the OPs posts.)

WDWfan, you might want to check post no. 103. It seems that you've misunderstood the situation and are making hasty judgments. The son asked the OP to call this evening - it's somewhat premature to say that the OP "never honored the son's wish".

The impression I get of the OP is that she is really anguished about the situation. I can't see anything in her posts that suggest that she is getting uppity!

 

[cabanafrau]

My son and his wife are both school teachers. He called me after he got to school this morning, he is a coach and has a little more freedom to make calls. DIL teaches second grade. She cannot be reached until late this afternoon. If she answers her phone then. I tried to call her when she texted me last night that she could easily cut me off and she refused to answer her phone.

I honestly have not yet decided how to handle this.

If I do call it will be for my Grand-babies sake.

Penny

Ethansmom had the best idea IMO. I don't see any way that could backfire on anyone involved or ruffle any feathers. In the end, it's family, you either have to find a way to do business with them or cease and desist altogether. Seems like you only want peace. I'd try the card suggestion.

 

[dzorn]

for you OP. I would not offer a sorry, but I think I would call DIL.

Would express that everyone has a right to their feelings, but you will continue to live life how you see fit. Thanks for the concerns but I like my life the way it is.

May I also suggest if DS coaches you may want to occasionally go and his team.

We all have issues with MIL and family, you just need to work through them. Though I would never say such hateful things to my MIL, even though there have been times I have been hurt by things she has done or not done.

Denise in MI

 

[luvsJack]

The OP said that her son asked her to call and make peace; that doesn't mean he wants her to apologize.

Just calling and saying, "we need to talk" isn't admitting wrong doing; and for the sake of her son and grandchildren maybe that is what she needs to do. Sometimes you just have to be the bigger person, bite your tongue and let peace be made.

(that IN NO WAY means that you should change anything you do or offere to change anything you do)