Totally fell down the Rabbit Hole like Alice, I need some advice ASAP - See post 103

[cabanafrau]

Yes, I think I was the first to identify marital troubles... (trouble in paradise)

OP, I think that it is a good plan to cool down, and then call and try to have some kind of a meaningful conversation.

But, unfortunately, I have to say that I still do not see the correct attitude in your post... I am hearing - " I have done nothing wrong, I am not g oing to apologize, I am not going to change how I live my life"

I don't think that this angle is going to be as effective as you want.

I... I... I...

You are going to have remember that this is NOT about you.
As many others have mentioned.
There are issues here, and they involve her.

Unfortunately, no matter how 'wrong' and 'across the line' your DIL was, you need to make sure that the focus is on HER and what HER issues are.

You need to find out what is really upsetting her. And, if she does need for you to make room in your life to help a bit more and be more involved with your grandchild, are you really refusing to do that? Are you really the unable to see any room for improvement or possible error on your part? (that is a big sign of narcissism)

I wish you the best!!!!
I hope you can cool down a bit more, and are able to have a helpful conversation!

I hope you all can find some peace.

I'm kind of scratching my head at this & don't really see where you pulled this from at all. From my point of view the OP was initially in a state of shock because she was effectively run over while she was sitting in her own home. Obviously as she absorbed what was said, she was both hurt & getting a little ticked off. She resisted the urge to hit back while still trying to process what happened.

So far I haven't seen any claim made by the DIL that warrants her original call. I have the luxury of just reading about this situation on the web. As much as I know it's not the smart thing to do, were I to receive this call, I probably would have gone thermonuclear before the call ended. Thank goodness the OP had more self control -- or was blissfully in shock!

OP, Ethansmom had the best idea & said it perfectly. I still think there is no way the card as she laid it out could hurt a bit, and leaves you in good standing with your son, which couldn't hurt either.

Best of luck to all of you.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Wishing on a star,

It is the son & DIL that live 3 hrs away. That puts a damper on the OP helping out with the grandbabies.

The OP has her own life to lead. She still has a child at home.

Unless there is a medical problem (again, I wonder if post partum depression might be an issue) the OP's son should be the one discussing this situation with his wife.

OP should never have been approached by the DIL.

TC

 

[lucyanna girl]

I guess you are right, there are a lot of Is in my post but since it is me doing the posting I don't know how to post without doing it in the first person.

Of course I want to be in my grandchildren life as much as possible.

Maybe there are a few things I haven't made clear.

Son and DIL live three hours away. It isn't so far but not around the corner either. Just picking them up and keeping them a few hours, feeding them dinner and taking them home is not an option like it is with my closer grandchildren.

On many occasions we have called them and asked if they had plans for the weekend as we wanted to go and see them and they had other plans. Usually either with her mother or one of her aunts. We just wished them a great weekend and planned to go another time. So it is not that we are not trying to see them.

Note here: when we go and visit them we always take them out to eat so DIL won't have to cook. I always ask DIL what I can do to help her when we are there. There are usually plies of clothes in the laundry room that need washing and putting away and (at her request) that is something that I work on all weekend. It's not uncommon for there to be 12 - 15 loads of laundry.

I also played with my grandson and held the baby. They are my main focus - I do the other to try to help DIL who does have her hands full.

DIL seems to forget that we DO have a grandson on both the football and baseball teams. One is the son of my husbands daughter by his first marriage, the other is by his son from his first marriage.

May just be around here but you can easily look around the football stadium or baseball field and see dozens of people who have no relatives on the team. Maybe it's because we live in such a small community and school sports are a big event? The tailgating is a chance to spend time with other family. My sister and brother-in-law, my step-daughter and her family, my three year old granddaughter and her mother, and others.

Our school is 1A. Small community. No place open to eat after the game so we cook. We flip a few extra burgers and feed 12 - 18 hungry boys a burger when it is over (some come, some don't). Some of the other tailgaters do the same thing and these boys get food. Not much effort but lots of big smiles.

My son and his wife have been invited on and went on several vacations with us over the years. Skiing in Colorado and WDW as a couple of examples.

More than anything I hope there are no troubles in their marriage.


I don't know of any better way to handle this than to try and acknowledge her feelings and let her vent. Maybe then she will tell me what the real trouble is. If possible I do not want to get into her laundry list of my faults (WDW, Ball games, etc) but if the only way to make her feel better is to try to answer her "concerns" I will because this is NOT about me, it is about those babies I am a grown up and can handle it.

Penny

 

[Motherofboys]

I guess you are right, there are a lot of Is in my post but since it is me doing the posting I don't know how to post without doing it in the first person.

Of course I want to be in my grandchildren life as much as possible.

Maybe there are a few things I haven't made clear.

Son and DIL live three hours away. It isn't so far but not around the corner either. Just picking them up and keeping them a few hours, feeding them dinner and taking them home is not an option like it is with my closer grandchildren.

On many occasions we have called them and asked if they had plans for the weekend as we wanted to go and see them and they had other plans. Usually either with her mother or one of her aunts. We just wished them a great weekend and planned to go another time. So it is not that we are not trying to see them.

Note here: when we go and visit them we always take them out to eat so DIL won't have to cook. I always ask DIL what I can do to help her when we are there. There are usually plies of clothes in the laundry room that need washing and putting away and (at her request) that is something that I work on all weekend. It's not uncommon for there to be 12 - 15 loads of laundry.

I also played with my grandson and held the baby. They are my main focus - I do the other to try to help DIL who does have her hands full.

DIL seems to forget that we DO have a grandson on both the football and baseball teams. One is the son of my husbands daughter by his first marriage, the other is by his son from his first marriage.

May just be around here but you can easily look around the football stadium or baseball field and see dozens of people who have no relatives on the team. Maybe it's because we live in such a small community and school sports are a big event? The tailgating is a chance to spend time with other family. My sister and brother-in-law, my step-daughter and her family, my three year old granddaughter and her mother, and others.

Our school is 1A. Small community. No place open to eat after the game so we cook. We flip a few extra burgers and feed 12 - 18 hungry boys a burger when it is over (some come, some don't). Some of the other tailgaters do the same thing and these boys get food. Not much effort but lots of big smiles.

My son and his wife have been invited on and went on several vacations with us over the years. Skiing in Colorado and WDW as a couple of examples.

More than anything I hope there are no troubles in their marriage.


I don't know of any better way to handle this than to try and acknowledge her feelings and let her vent. Maybe then she will tell me what the real trouble is. If possible I do not want to get into her laundry list of my faults (WDW, Ball games, etc) but if the only way to make her feel better is to try to answer her "concerns" I will because this is NOT about me, it is about those babies I am a grown up and can handle it.

Penny

Penny, will please come be my MIL??

My mom only lives 30 minutes away and every time she comes to visit, she is treated to a homemade dinner, I would NEVER ask her to help me with my housework or laundry (and I work full time and have 5 kids!)

I want her to feel welcome in my home and have time to spend with me and the kids, not to feel like hired help. That is not my purpose for having her over. She did enough laundry with us 7 kids, why should she do mine too??

Seriously, I think there are some MAJOR entitlement issues going on here. It really makes me sad. I have a few siblings that do this kind of stuff to my mom too and it disgusts me

Please don't let her take advantage of you just b/c of the kids, those kids are 1/2 your son's too, does he have no say in any of this???

 

[RUDisney]

Penny, sounds to me like your DIL is jealous of you and your happy lifestyle. Perhaps she and your DS don't have enough time right now to focus on doing fun things because they haven't figured out how to balance parenthood with fun. My sister has a hard time with this. Her DS is 6 and has never gone on a big vacation with his parents. He only goes with my BIL's family to the beach because my sister and BIL have babysitters so they aren't saddled with their DS all the time.

My parents always had their "cup" as full as yours. They are happy and double dated with me and my BFs when I was growing up. It was fun. They are fun. My father's family hated them for being happy together and happy with their children. They hated that all of my siblings went immediately into college and have successful careers. They hated that we have happy marriages. Why? Because they aren't/weren't happy. My grandmother admitted this to my mother on her deathbed. She apologized for being cruel to my parents over the years because she was jealous. There are many people who want to pop happy people's balloons.

As it was, my parents went to my HS football games to see my BF play. They got to know a lot of my friends in the stands and they got to know a lot of the players. It was a fun night out for them. Aside from that, many of my friends and relatives go to every game because they like seeing their friends and watching the boys play. It also doesn't hurt that they went to states last year and are destined to go again this year if they keep up their game.

My BFs had no problem coming over for dinner or to watch a movie at my parents' house. They often times participated in family game night with us. Charades was usually the game of choice back then.

Heck, my second youngest sister (not the one who doesn't take her DS on vacation) had my mother be her matron of honor when she got married. My youngest sister is extremely close to my mother, too.

Your plan sounds good. When you get a chance to talk to your DS privately, ask him if somethings got his wife down. Just remember, your cup is full (not half full) don't let her or anyone else spill anything from it.

 

[Pugsley]

OP I’m sorry about what you are going through. You sound like a wonderful person and I admire what you are doing. Obviously you have to do what’s right for you. But I have to say that I am just so SICK of people using their children for blackmail and getting away with it! I have a friend whose DS and DIL treat her like dirt all of the time. She is a wonderful grandmother and is always doing things for her grandchildren and their parents, but nothing she does seems to be right in her DS and DILs eyes. With each horrifying story she tells I respond with “how can you tolerate being treated like that?” and her answer is always that she has to do it for her grandchildren. OK, maybe I’m just a coldhearted person, and I probably can’t really understand this because I’m not a mother or a grandmother, but I don’t think I would have any problem cutting these people out of my life. I just don’t need toxic people around me. Life is too short. They are the ones who are missing out. How can they love their children but be perfectly willing to take their grandparents away from them for no reason. If I were the OP I’d completely ignore the DIL. If she denies access to the grandchildren, so be it. I bet there will come a day when DIL realizes what an idiot she is. And hopefully DH will man up and put his foot down with his wife. It just kills me that DH is not defending his mother. How dare he expect his mother to make peace when she did nothing wrong? It’s his crazy wife who needs to apologize. It sounds like he is afraid of DIL himself and I’d agree that there must be marital problems there.

 

[wenrob]

I guess you are right, there are a lot of Is in my post but since it is me doing the posting I don't know how to post without doing it in the first person.

Of course I want to be in my grandchildren life as much as possible.

Maybe there are a few things I haven't made clear.

Son and DIL live three hours away. It isn't so far but not around the corner either. Just picking them up and keeping them a few hours, feeding them dinner and taking them home is not an option like it is with my closer grandchildren.

On many occasions we have called them and asked if they had plans for the weekend as we wanted to go and see them and they had other plans. Usually either with her mother or one of her aunts. We just wished them a great weekend and planned to go another time. So it is not that we are not trying to see them.

Note here: when we go and visit them we always take them out to eat so DIL won't have to cook. I always ask DIL what I can do to help her when we are there. There are usually plies of clothes in the laundry room that need washing and putting away and (at her request) that is something that I work on all weekend. It's not uncommon for there to be 12 - 15 loads of laundry.

I also played with my grandson and held the baby. They are my main focus - I do the other to try to help DIL who does have her hands full.

DIL seems to forget that we DO have a grandson on both the football and baseball teams. One is the son of my husbands daughter by his first marriage, the other is by his son from his first marriage.

May just be around here but you can easily look around the football stadium or baseball field and see dozens of people who have no relatives on the team. Maybe it's because we live in such a small community and school sports are a big event? The tailgating is a chance to spend time with other family. My sister and brother-in-law, my step-daughter and her family, my three year old granddaughter and her mother, and others.

Our school is 1A. Small community. No place open to eat after the game so we cook. We flip a few extra burgers and feed 12 - 18 hungry boys a burger when it is over (some come, some don't). Some of the other tailgaters do the same thing and these boys get food. Not much effort but lots of big smiles.

My son and his wife have been invited on and went on several vacations with us over the years. Skiing in Colorado and WDW as a couple of examples.

More than anything I hope there are no troubles in their marriage.


I don't know of any better way to handle this than to try and acknowledge her feelings and let her vent. Maybe then she will tell me what the real trouble is. If possible I do not want to get into her laundry list of my faults (WDW, Ball games, etc) but if the only way to make her feel better is to try to answer her "concerns" I will because this is NOT about me, it is about those babies I am a grown up and can handle it.

Penny

Please don't feel like you need to defend yourself, you did nothing wrong!

I keep going over your posts in my head and can't figure out where the attitude that you're not admitting to wrong doing or are selfish is coming from. My gosh, your DILs ambushed you and really did not give any valid concerns. The attitude that you must have done something to justify your DIL's behavior baffles me. And the suggestion to make sure to make it all about her? Again...don't get it.

You are a much better woman then I. I could not imagine being ambushed like that and then being the one to smooth things over. I understand your reasons though. Just please don't get sucked into a cycle where those kids a constantly used as leverage. I have really, really big issues with my mother and FIL, VALID issues and I would never, ever use their grandkids against them. Ever. Good luck to you and I hope things work out for the better.

 

[luvsJack]

I guess you are right, there are a lot of Is in my post but since it is me doing the posting I don't know how to post without doing it in the first person.

Of course I want to be in my grandchildren life as much as possible.

Maybe there are a few things I haven't made clear.

Son and DIL live three hours away. It isn't so far but not around the corner either. Just picking them up and keeping them a few hours, feeding them dinner and taking them home is not an option like it is with my closer grandchildren.

On many occasions we have called them and asked if they had plans for the weekend as we wanted to go and see them and they had other plans. Usually either with her mother or one of her aunts. We just wished them a great weekend and planned to go another time. So it is not that we are not trying to see them.

Note here: when we go and visit them we always take them out to eat so DIL won't have to cook. I always ask DIL what I can do to help her when we are there. There are usually plies of clothes in the laundry room that need washing and putting away and (at her request) that is something that I work on all weekend. It's not uncommon for there to be 12 - 15 loads of laundry.

I also played with my grandson and held the baby. They are my main focus - I do the other to try to help DIL who does have her hands full.

DIL seems to forget that we DO have a grandson on both the football and baseball teams. One is the son of my husbands daughter by his first marriage, the other is by his son from his first marriage.

May just be around here but you can easily look around the football stadium or baseball field and see dozens of people who have no relatives on the team. Maybe it's because we live in such a small community and school sports are a big event? The tailgating is a chance to spend time with other family. My sister and brother-in-law, my step-daughter and her family, my three year old granddaughter and her mother, and others.

Our school is 1A. Small community. No place open to eat after the game so we cook. We flip a few extra burgers and feed 12 - 18 hungry boys a burger when it is over (some come, some don't). Some of the other tailgaters do the same thing and these boys get food. Not much effort but lots of big smiles.

My son and his wife have been invited on and went on several vacations with us over the years. Skiing in Colorado and WDW as a couple of examples.

More than anything I hope there are no troubles in their marriage.


I don't know of any better way to handle this than to try and acknowledge her feelings and let her vent. Maybe then she will tell me what the real trouble is. If possible I do not want to get into her laundry list of my faults (WDW, Ball games, etc) but if the only way to make her feel better is to try to answer her "concerns" I will because this is NOT about me, it is about those babies I am a grown up and can handle it.

Penny

The part I bolded about the other grandkids on the football team is the reason I think she is jealous of your relationship with your other grandkids and kids.

For some reason, I believe she thinks you treat her little family differently than you do the other kids and grandkids. From the things you are saying, its not true in anyway; but just the way she feels.

My brothers' wives used to get together and vent with each other about how my mom and dad spend more time with my kids, and my sisters kids had more and on and on. We could always tell when they had gotten together becaue they wouldn't speak to any of us for a week or two.

I really think your dil is just spoiled to the way things are with her own family and expects to be the center of your world too. One of the issues I had with my dil is that she somehow thought we were just going to stop giving any attention to anyone else and just bow down to her. She was jealous of my daughter and my other son and anything that I or my mom did for them. You dil, just like mine had to do, needs to learn to share!

 

[TanyaLovesPooh]

Wow.

Sounds like your DIL's need to see what some people have to legitimately complain about. It sounds to me like you and DH are awesome parents and I am happy to hear that you both like enjoying life and doing so much. Good for you!

Again...Wow.

 

[disykat]

Yes, I think I was the first to identify marital troubles... (trouble in paradise)

OP, I think that it is a good plan to cool down, and then call and try to have some kind of a meaningful conversation.

But, unfortunately, I have to say that I still do not see the correct attitude in your post... I am hearing - " I have done nothing wrong, I am not g oing to apologize, I am not going to change how I live my life"

I don't think that this angle is going to be as effective as you want.

I... I... I...

You are going to have remember that this is NOT about you.
As many others have mentioned.
There are issues here, and they involve her.

Unfortunately, no matter how 'wrong' and 'across the line' your DIL was, you need to make sure that the focus is on HER and what HER issues are.

You need to find out what is really upsetting her. And, if she does need for you to make room in your life to help a bit more and be more involved with your grandchild, are you really refusing to do that? Are you really the unable to see any room for improvement or possible error on your part? (that is a big sign of narcissism)

I wish you the best!!!!
I hope you can cool down a bit more, and are able to have a helpful conversation!

I hope you all can find some peace.

You've got a lot of I's - remember, this isn't about you! Sorry - I couldn't resist - it was so ironic!

 

[luvsJack]

Yes, I think I was the first to identify marital troubles... (trouble in paradise)

OP, I think that it is a good plan to cool down, and then call and try to have some kind of a meaningful conversation.

But, unfortunately, I have to say that I still do not see the correct attitude in your post... I am hearing - " I have done nothing wrong, I am not g oing to apologize, I am not going to change how I live my life"

I don't think that this angle is going to be as effective as you want.

I... I... I...

You are going to have remember that this is NOT about you.
As many others have mentioned.
There are issues here, and they involve her.

Unfortunately, no matter how 'wrong' and 'across the line' your DIL was, you need to make sure that the focus is on HER and what HER issues are.

You need to find out what is really upsetting her. And, if she does need for you to make room in your life to help a bit more and be more involved with your grandchild, are you really refusing to do that? Are you really the unable to see any room for improvement or possible error on your part? (that is a big sign of narcissism)

I wish you the best!!!!
I hope you can cool down a bit more, and are able to have a helpful conversation!

I hope you all can find some peace.

This is the problem with her dil, she already thinks its all about her--thats what needs to change.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Well, I see that the usual flames are coming my way.

I stand by every word.

I already said that the DIL may be very wrong.
Certainly, she did cross some lines.
Maybe she is being selfish.
Maybe she is 'crazy'... or any other thing that everybody wants to throw out there......

I have never said that she was blameless.
I have never flamed the OP.

All that simply does not matter....
Unless the OP is willing to stop and listen to what is causing her DIL to be so upset (without becoming defensive), I don't see anything changing. Unless the OP is willing to get past the "I have been a good/perfect MIL/Grandparent - and I will not listen and I will not change and I will not apologize... and actually listen to what her DIL's needs and emotional issues are.... and expresses understanding and a willingness to work together.... Nothing will change.

And, yes, all the activities and time and money expended towards the OP's daughter and her other grandchildren IS probably the issue...
It is obvious to me that, whether it is warranted or not, the DIL feels slighted.

PS: Why does helping her son and dil out by spending time with her precious grandbabies involve driving 3 hours to pick them up, watching them at the OP's house, and then driving them right back. Why not spend time with them in the comfort of their own home? Why not have them spend the night with their Grandma and Grandpa? I am fearful that I am only hearing justification and excuses....

All I can say, is, once again.
Good Luck!

 

[Disney Doll]

You know OP, I feel for you.

Your DIL was rude to you.
You son has no backbone to tell his wife where to get off.
You have to make peace with someone you didn't realize you were at war with, for a war you didn't start.
And there's undoubtedly more crap going to come down the pike.

All because your DIL has some issue which apparently, the world is just supposed ot cater to.

 

[TwinsinCA]

And, yes, all the activities and time and money and help to the OP's daughter and her other grandchildren IS probably the issue...
It is obvious to me that, whether it is warranted or not, the DIL feels slighted.

I have to agree with this.

My guess is that the OP's son is feeling slighted too but is too much the peacekeeper to say anything. Maybe DIL sees that and is standing up for him since he won't.

OP -- you said your son is a football coach. Do you ever go to the games that HE coaches?

 

[frndshpcptn]

I have to agree with this.

My guess is that the OP's son is feeling slighted too but is too much the peacekeeper to say anything. Maybe DIL sees that and is standing up for him since he won't.

That makes a lot of sense...

Perhaps the son is uncomfortable saying anything directly, but has been venting to his wife and she felt that she needed to stand up and say something?

I've been in that situation before - it's not that far of a reach...

 

[PaulaSB12]

Well, I see that the usual flames are coming my way.

I stand by every word.

I already said that the DIL may be very wrong.
Certainly, she did cross some lines.
Maybe she is being selfish.
Maybe she is 'crazy'... or any other thing that everybody wants to throw out there......

I have never said that she was blameless.
I have never flamed the OP.

All that simplty does not matter....
Unless the OP is willing to stop and listen to what is causing her DIL to be so upset (without becoming defensive), I don't see anything changing. Unless the OP is willing to get past the "I have been a good/perfect MIL/Grandparent - and I will not listen and I will not change and I will not apologize... and actually listen to what her DIL's needs and emotional issues are.... and expresses understanding and a willingness to work together.... Nothing will change.

And, yes, all the activities and time and money expended towards the OP's daughter and her other grandchildren IS probably the issue...
It is obvious to me that, whether it is warranted or not, the DIL feels slighted.

PS: Why does helping her son and dil out by spending time with her precious grandbabies involve driving 3 hours to pick them up, watching them at the OP's house, and then driving them right back. Why not spend time with them in the comfort of their own home? Why not have them spend the night with their Grandma and Grandpa? I am fearful that I am only hearing justification and excuses....

All I can say, is, once again.
Good Luck!

So basically you are saying that for some little witch who hasn't been slapped into reality by her parents her mother in law must
1 stop going to disney
2 stop being close to any other relative
3 put her life on hold so she can drop everything and go for a 3 hour trip to allow a brat to have some me time. That son needs to remember that he is a man and put his foot down. His mother has the right to a life as well and expecting her to be at a brats beck and call is pathetic.

 

[binny]

wow. She is off her rocker IMHO. A lot of people dont have ANY relationships with their parents/inlaws sounds like they are lucky you are so interested in their lives!

FTR my mum lives in the house behind mine, she attends most of the kids functions, volunteers to watch them all the time ( in fact they are staying with her right now while we re out of town) we often have meals together, and we frequently vacation together. My dad has been gone for several years now and I *want* to spend this time with her. She is 72. I cherish the time we have together.

 

[Motherofboys]

I have to agree with this.

My guess is that the OP's son is feeling slighted too but is too much the peacekeeper to say anything. Maybe DIL sees that and is standing up for him since he won't.

I agree with this too. I tried to say it nicely in an earlier post, but a lot of times in these situations, these issues/feelings are being brought up by the adult child to their spouse and it's the spouse that ends up feeling the need to bring it up to the in-law.

We have this situation in our family too, also a mixed family. Of course my SIL has been smart enough to only bring it up to me and my sister's so far, but I can see her feeling confident enough to "confront" my mom in the near future

 

[Disney Doll]

Thank God I was smart enough to stay outof issues between my DH & DMIL when she was laive.

Two of my oft-repeated sentences were "This is between you and your son so talk to him" or "This is between you and your mother so talk to her". I knew better than to ever jump into the middle of that.

 

[lillygator]

OP -- you said your son is a football coach. Do you ever go to the games that HE coaches?

a three hour drive away?