Today I was rendered speechless

[bigmerle1966]

What is a pregnant woman with 3 other children supposed to do at that very moment? Should she have tackled the husband? Should she have called the police and risk her own well-being and that of her 3 children? What do you think an abusive man, that is inside your home, will do in this situation? Now, there is a safe and responsible scenario.

Why are the people that are presented with this "request for help" the ones that become responsible for a stranger's life? How about the wife? Where is her responsibility in all of this?

A lot of abusive men would have no problem harming another woman!

 

[Pooh Crew]

I have to agree with you here. I would not have been able to put my head on the pillow at night knowing I did nothing. There are many ways to help someone, she wasn't asking for her husband to get a beat down. I would have done something. I'm not sure what but I would have come up with something.

Nope. Sorry. I had three very small children and was very pregnant at the time. There was NO WAY I could have defended myself or my children against this very large man. I mean, what was I supposed to say to this potentially dangerous man? Why couldn't SHE call the police or seek shelter? She wasn't chained to him--she dropped him off then would come back and sit in the truck waiting for him. Who knows what the real situation was???

I did ask my contractor about the situation later that afternoon and he said he would look into it a little more since he did not know the painter very well. He told me several days later that he found out the guy had a serious drug problem and so did his wife/girlfriend (I called her the wife in my post, but she might have just been his girlfriend). There were no children, she could have walked away at any time. I'm not heartless, I was protecting innocent children--not some druggie who might or might not have been in a bad situation.

People need to take responsibility for their own lives. She was certainly more able-bodied than I was at that point in time!

 

[EthansMom]

There are SO MANY people who are willing to help if people just ask. I think the OP's friend knew this and was just asking around to see if she could find one.

It isn't an issue of being holier-than-thou. It is just an issue of wanting to help.

It's nice to know that there are people who are willing to give so selflessly of themselves.

I do think some of the PPs were a bit harsh on the OP, though.

While I would be willing to help a friend or family member, if I knew their situation, like the OP, I wouldn't be willing to house a complete stranger in my home with my children.

 

[Pooh Crew]

A lot of abusive men would have no problem harming another woman!

Yes! And it's not like I could have just run away from him. I could barely waddle by that point and my kids were just fourteen months old and there were three of them! I'm happy to help people, but my goodness, would anyone really risk their child's life by confronting a potential abuser?

 

[va32h]

First, you will note that I did not chastise you for deciding not to help. I figured you had your reasons before you stated them.

Second, I don't give out my address. Even when I send things to other DISers, there's no return address. But I have offered my home to women who were being beat up before. I had one with me once for about 6 weeks. And I'd do it again. And again and again if I had to.

What you see as chaos or disruption of your kids' lives I see as a chance to teach mine about helping others. Different strokes for different folks, that's all.

There are a LOT of people who would help. Your friend is just trying to find one. Maybe you know someone IRL who would want to help and is able to do it. If you ask around, you might find one! So, even if you can't offer your home, you could help by finding someone who can.

Why don't you give out your address? For safety reasons, perhaps? Well that's what I'm thinking of - safety reasons.

I think it's a little more than "chaos and disruption" to place my children in the path of a violent person. And from even my limited volunteer experience I know that abusers don't just shrug and say "oh well" when their victims run away. They look for them. Which is why shelters don't reveal the names of families staying there, or publicize where they actually house people.

I also remember from my volunteer experiences that many, many women do in fact call up their abusers and tell them were they are. Or try to see them again. They reason that the kids need to see their father. Or that their abuser is sorry now and they want to give him a second chance. These women need serious and long-term counseling, which I am not in a position to give.

I agree that my friend is trying to find someone who will help. And if she had told me about the situation and asked for my advice, I'd have given it. If she had asked for fifty bucks for a motel room I'd have given it. But the only request she had was for me to move them into my guest room.

Perhaps in my sheer surprise I did not react ideally. Well that happens. Hours later you think of what you should have said. I still maintain that it was a request above and beyond what one would expect of a casual friend.

But I will email her some phone numbers.

 

[Snow_White]

I haven't read all the replies yet, but 2 questions come to mind:

1. Why doesn't your friend offer her shelter if she is concerned? If she was the one who the housekeeper told, it's her responsibility, not yours.

2. Why doesn't she go to a shelter??????? Like someone said, they won't ask for her immigration status there.

I don't get why people are jumping all over you, this just seems obvious to me. I guess all of the people who are jumping all over you are PM-ing you their addresses so the family can stay with them, right? They shouldn't have a problem sending bus fare too, since it's a humanitarian thing. Yeah, that's what I thought, people.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Nope. Sorry. I had three very small children and was very pregnant at the time. There was NO WAY I could have defended myself or my children against this very large man. I mean, what was I supposed to say to this potentially dangerous man? Why couldn't SHE call the police or seek shelter? She wasn't chained to him--she dropped him off then would come back and sit in the truck waiting for him. Who knows what the real situation was???

I did ask my contractor about the situation later that afternoon and he said he would look into it a little more since he did not know the painter very well. He told me several days later that he found out the guy had a serious drug problem and so did his wife/girlfriend (I called her the wife in my post, but she might have just been his girlfriend). There were no children, she could have walked away at any time. I'm not heartless, I was protecting innocent children--not some druggie who might or might not have been in a bad situation.

People need to take responsibility for their own lives. She was certainly more able-bodied than I was at that point in time!

So you DID do something! You told his boss so he could investigate and see if she really needed help. I wasn't suggesting you lay the smack it down on the guy! I would never put my family in harms way either. I think you did the right thing in trying to find some help for them (his boss). That IS helping. Your original post didn't allude to that.

 

[Cool-Beans]

Why don't you give out your address? For safety reasons, perhaps? Well that's what I'm thinking of - safety reasons.

I think it's a little more than "chaos and disruption" to place my children in the path of a violent person. And from even my limited volunteer experience I know that abusers don't just shrug and say "oh well" when their victims run away. They look for them. Which is why shelters don't reveal the names of families staying there, or publicize where they actually house people.

I also remember from my volunteer experiences that many, many women do in fact call up their abusers and tell them were they are. Or try to see them again. They reason that the kids need to see their father. Or that their abuser is sorry now and they want to give him a second chance. These women need serious and long-term counseling, which I am not in a position to give.

I agree that my friend is trying to find someone who will help. And if she had told me about the situation and asked for my advice, I'd have given it. If she had asked for fifty bucks for a motel room I'd have given it. But the only request she had was for me to move them into my guest room.

Perhaps in my sheer surprise I did not react ideally. Well that happens. Hours later you think of what you should have said. I still maintain that it was a request above and beyond what one would expect of a casual friend.

But I will email her some phone numbers.

If your point is that you shouldn't be chastised...again, I did not chastise you. As I said, I figured you had your reasons - even before you stated them. Your actions (and reasons for them) are your business.

If your point is that I shouldn't offer my home to people, then I'd encourage you to remember that my actions (and reasons for them) are my business.

Different strokes for different folks.

 

[Disney Doll]

It's over 1000 miles between Guatemala City & Brownsville Texas, so all of you who are posting maps of Central America are probably wasting your time trying to convince anyone other than yourselves that those countries are "close" to Texas. They're not. There's a pretty good chance that if someone in Texas is an illegal immigrant, the person is probably from Mexico.

I am getting a kick out of the people taking you to task regarding this. Talk about holier than thou!!! Comparing this situation to Nazi Germany...give me a break!
Over-dramatize much????

To the OP, my guess is that your friend has a couple motives for asking you. You have volunteered for women's shelters, so perhaps she felt you had some experience or contacts that could help. I also agree that her less altruistic motive is that she doesn't want the woman to be caught as being an illegal alien because she could ultimately end up in trouble for employing her.

I do not blame you one bit for not wanting to put her up. If I had young children in my home, I wouldn't either, especially since apparently a shelter will take her in regardless of her immigration status. That is good to know.

Perhaps you know someone at a local shelter from your work there who you could call and "pave the way" for her to get in?? Then call your friend and relay that information to her to relay to her housekeeper.

FWIW, I would have been shocked too, had someone asked me out of the blue to take in 4 strangers in a situation that has the potential to be violent. And no, I owuldn't do it either. My first priority is protecting my family.

I'll save you a seat in Hell OP.

 

[va32h]

If your point is that you shouldn't be chastised...again, I did not chastise you. As I said, I figured you had your reasons - even before you stated them. Your actions (and reasons for them) are your business.

If your point is that I shouldn't offer my home to people, then I'd encourage you to remember that my actions (and reasons for them) are my business.

Different strokes for different folks.

No, my "point" is not that you shouldn't open your home to anyone you like. Of course it's none of my business what you do in your home. It's your house and anyone you want can sleep there for as long as you want; it has nothing to do with me at all.

And perhaps you didn't chastise me. But when someone says "I understand why you're not doing it....but I would" there's a judgment there, IMO.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

Nope. Sorry. I had three very small children and was very pregnant at the time. There was NO WAY I could have defended myself or my children against this very large man. I mean, what was I supposed to say to this potentially dangerous man? Why couldn't SHE call the police or seek shelter? She wasn't chained to him--she dropped him off then would come back and sit in the truck waiting for him. Who knows what the real situation was??

People need to take responsibility for their own lives. She was certainly more able-bodied than I was at that point in time!

Well I do not think you needed to confront the man and I did not see where anyone suggested that!!!

You just needed to be compassionate to a human being. You could have offered her some cash, ripped out the shelter pages of the yellow pages and handed them to her, offered to make some calls on her behalf, done some web research etc.

 

[Cool-Beans]

No, my "point" is not that you shouldn't open your home to anyone you like. Of course it's none of my business what you do in your home. It's your house and anyone you want can sleep there for as long as you want; it has nothing to do with me at all.

And perhaps you didn't chastise me. But when someone says "I understand why you're not doing it....but I would" there's a judgment there, IMO.

First, I didn't say that. What I said - twice, this will make three times - is that I figured you had your reasons even before you stated them. I didn't even need to hear them. There was no judgement. If you re-read everything I said, you'll see that.

eta: deleted sentence as I misread the post I quoted. Duh.

 

[Pooh Crew]

Well I do not think you needed to confront the man and I did not see where anyone suggested that!!!

You just needed to be compassionate to a human being. You could have offered her some cash, ripped out the shelter pages of the yellow pages and handed them to her, offered to make some calls on her behalf, done some web research etc.

Instead you left her!

Honestly, at the time I did not even buy her story. I felt like she was trying to "pull something". Now, what, I'm not sure--but that's one of the reasons I told the contractor about her story.

We live in a major metropolitan area with lots of police and churches and other places she could have gone--she was not some poor uneducated young girl. Why would she come to me and not go to the police? She came and went as she pleased while he was working. She was not an immigrant, she appeared to be the same age as I was, and was certainly in better physical condition. Why am I suddenly responsible for her? I did not know this person at all. I was alone in the house with her and her whatever-he-was (and my very young children). Whatever this drug abuser had gotten herself into was not MY responsibility. And had I given her cash, she would have probably spent it on drugs.

 

[graygables]

I haven't read all the responses, but I'd like to tell you from personal experience what it feels like to be in an abusive situation, afraid to leave. You've been told you're ugly, fat, stupid, no one wants you, while having the message imprinted along with physical violence. You are threatened that if you tell someone, you'll get more of the same (and they won't believe you anyway). So, you hide. You tell people your broken arm came from a fall. Even when the doctor gives you a sideways glance and says something like, "I've never seen this kind of injury come from that kind of trauma". You hide and you cover and you become VERY good at it.

Then one day, there's a glimmer somewhere inside you, you might never know where it comes from or how it starts. You start to see that there is something that isn't quite right. You can't let HIM see that or he'll smack it right out of you. You start to look for an escape route. Something, anything that will let you slip through a chink in his armor. Sometimes that comes from running to a shelter, sometimes that involves talking to your hairdresser, sometimes it comes from telling a trusted boss, clergyman, or friend. Sometimes it comes from catching him in the post-beating "honeymoon" phase (if he has one).

The trouble is, if one of those people that you confided in doesn't believe you or doesn't help you, then suddenly you believe HIM again and you may have lost your window of opportunity (b/c didn't he say that no one would believe you???). You then have to return, hiding the spark, but it's really hard to hide because you were SO CLOSE. More times than not, the first attempt out is the last attempt out as that spark finally dies off.

I'm not saying that anyone should let someone into their home, but at the very least, PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL PROTECTIVE SERVICES. It's their job and if you KNOW that someone is being abused and they have asked for your help, then you are now morally culpable if you do not give it to them. It's very difficult for an abused woman to cry out for help, PLEASE answer if she does.

 

[LotsOfQuestions]

I'm not saying that anyone should let someone into their home, but at the very least, PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL PROTECTIVE SERVICES. It's their job and if you KNOW that someone is being abused and they have asked for your help, then you are now morally culpable if you do not give it to them. It's very difficult for an abused woman to cry out for help, PLEASE answer if she does.

Catch here is, 'the friend' clearly stated that protective services was not an option.

She wanted the guest room, not help in finding a shelter.

 

[JennyMominRI]

I was thinking the same thing. Illegal or legal, the housekeeper and her children are still human beings. I guess all the Jewish people who fled the Nazis were doing so illegally too. Breaking the law.

I do think the friend was out of line to ask the OP to put these people up, but she may have been desperate to find help. A woman's shelter sounds like the perfect place. I would not put my own children at risk either. I think I would have offered to help find a place.

I've been in this situation,minus the illegal.. I took in the kids

 

[SereneOne]

Many years ago I was in a domestic violence shelter twice and also later volunteered in one. The most dangerous time for these women and for the people who help them is when they leave, period.

 

[JennyMominRI]

Under the same circumstances, I think I would have reacted similarly to the OP. How would most people react if, out of the blue, a friend asked you to house three strangers for an indeterminate period of time?

I would hope that most of us would offer to help find a safe shelter for the family. But I think most of us wouldn't be willing to endanger our own families by embroiling ourselves in the situation of strangers. Just because someone tells you that the woman is in an abusive situation doesn't give you the whole picture... Yes, the husband may be abusive. But the woman could be a drug addict or alcoholic for all the OP knows.

If the woman is in such dire need of assistance, why doesn't the OP's friend put her up in her house or pay for a motel for a week? Or why doesn't the friend ask for recommendations for good shelters?

BTW, I don't blame folks from disadvantaged countries for coming to the U.S. to make better lives for their families. But harboring an illegal alien IS illegal... not only could the OP be jailed or fined, but if she or her husband is in certain jobs (anything with a gov't clearance, for instance), they could lose their livelihood.

And before anyone gets "holier than thou" with another poster, they should ask themselves, "How many strangers have I ever offered to house in my own home with my family?"

Not strangers but over the years I took in a father and daughter for 10 years and a mother and her 2 sons for 3 years. I barely knew the Mom
and 2 kids ,but what I did know was she and those kids would have been living in a car had not stepped in..One of her boys was 3 months old.
BTW, the daughter from the first situation in the blond in my sig
I've taken in kids a couple of times while mom got out of a bad situation

 

[Tine731]

They don't ask questions about citizenship at emergency shelters.

Thats what I was thinking. Do they even ask or care?

 

[poohandwendy]

I can say I would be totally shocked if this conversation took that abrupt turn, I think that is just natural.

1) I would not automatically just answer 'yes' to taking ANYONE in my home like that, no matter what the story. I am not the only occupant of my home, and my DH certainly deserves a say in the matter and the kids obviously have to be considered.
2) I would have to know more about the person and situation before I would give an answer.
3) I would absolutely do anything reasonably possible to help someone in a dangerous situation. But, I would not endanger myself or my family, period.
4) There are so many options available to an abused woman, I would be doing everything possible to steer her in the direction of professionals and the many, many resources that are out there.
5) I would not judge someone else for not taking a risk I was willing to take or willing to takes risks I wouldn't, in circumstances like this.

IMO it is completely out of line to compare this situation to that of the underground railroad types of organizations during slavery or the Holocaust. In those situations, there were NO OTHER options. In this case, there are not only many other options...the options are much better (longterm) for the abused family (safer, more productive, more resources available, etc).