Thoughts on moving back after fresh start?

[LISAMWDW]

 

[PrincessShmoo]

My DD is in a tough situation, well her boyfriend is, so was wondering what are some non-biased thoughts were among the Disers.

Her boyfriend moved here with his parents a few years ago and now his dad lost his job and wants to move back home. However, his son (my DD's boyfriend) has built a new life here and doesn't want to move back. I see both points and it seems like an unfair position on both sides. He is upset as his dad usually works out of the home and can live anywhere. There is a small chance that they will have to move for a new job but odds are that his dad will be able to work out of the house.

My DD is so upset over the situation. What do y'all think?

Ages of the involved children would be helpful.

 

[soccerdad72]

Sounds like a difficult situation for all involved. Not sure if there is much else that can be said, however, unless you're wondering if you should take in the boyfriend in case the family moves?

 

[VandVsmama]

There's not quite enough info to develop an opinion on your DD's boyfriend's situation. For example:

• Is the BF (boyfriend) under the age of 18? Then he doesn't really get much say in where he lives. He should go with his parents.
• A fair # of jobs ARE jobs that allow you to work from home, but sometimes, the job market changes and it's far easier to get a job that does NOT allow you to work from home. So the BF's opinion on that really doesn't make much of a difference.
• Are DD and BF both still in high school?
• Or are they both in college locally and she doesn't want him to have to move, nor does he want to have to move? If BF is >18 yr old, he could certainly stay where he is, but he'd need to be able to financially support himself or have his parents be willing to pay for some/all of his living expenses.
• Totally understand how your DD would be upset over the prospect of her BF possibly having to move away. And I hate to say it, but sometimes, that's just how life goes. Lousy stuff happens that you have no control over.
• If what you're really asking is if you should have the BF move in with your family, my vote would be no to something like that.

 

[Allison]

What are you looking for feedback about?

 

[Marchand63]

It all depends on the age of the BF, what my answer would be.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

I think that anybody that is financially dependent on their parents gets no say in how that parent earns the money to take care of the family.

 

[LISAMWDW]

Added more detail, sorry and thank you!

 

[HarperLeigh]

I think that anybody that is financially dependent on their parents gets no say in how that parent earns the money to take care of the family.

Agreed. Yep, it stinks for the BF and your DD, but they'll just have to suck it up if he ends up having to move.

It is none of your business and do not, under any circumstance, offer to let this child move into your house.

 

[Allison]

Somebody in their 20s should understand their parents have to do what is best for their future. Of course, I understand being upset about it but I don't think the parents should base the decision on that. If he wants to stay, someone that age should be able to figure out how to make it work. Does he have a job?

 

[Lilacs4Me]

By early 20's, I would think that the parents would make their decision and THEN tell their adult child what the plan is - for themselves. The son is an adult himself...he can choose whether to go with his parents or not. What's the dilemma?

I would think the question should be more along the lines of "My DD's boyfriend needs to make a choice - to move back to his home state with his parents, or to stay here. Any advice from people who were in the same situation as a young adult?"

 

[Micca]

Early 20s is certainly old enough to decide whether to stay put even if the family decides to move back home. He'd simply have to get a job that would pay enough to support himself while going to school. If he is unable to get himself together to that extent this might be a symptom of a maturity issue.

 

[HarperLeigh]

Now that you've added the ages it is even more suck it up buttercup. I was married, attending college full time, working part time, parents and DH and I were fully supporting ourselves in our early 20's. He has a choice of staying, he just doesn't like the thought of having to support himself.

 

[sam_gordon]

If he wants to stay, stay. But he should not count on his parents for any money. If that means a second (or third) job, so be it.

On the other hand, if he wants to keep accepting money from his dad, he moves with him.

I don't understand what's so complicated.

 

[disykat]

I agree with others that at this point, the mom and dad get to make decisions based on themselves and their young adult son will simply decide whether to go with them or not. It would be generous of them to invite him, IMO. He could add hours to work and look for an affordable shared housing situation. While it was a convenient arrangement and helpful for the son while he was in school, there is no "fair" because the boyfriend is now an adult. Just because he's been living at home so far doesn't give him the right to do so indefinitely.

I think it's great when parents can help their young adult kids with school and/or living expenses while getting "launched." However, it's not always possible. He's in his 20's, not coming home after high school graduation to find his bags on the doorstep!

 

[elaine amj]

If he is working fulltime, is there any reason he can't rent a crappy room in a cheap house and support himself? Sure it would be tough - but that's how life goes. I supported myself on a $400/mo from a 10hr a week job in college. Sure it was a tiny room and my food budget was very small - but it was enough for the basics and I was content. If his finances are tight while working fulltime, I hope this means he is paying for part/all his college costs too?

If his finances are tight working full time + staying with his parents + attending paid-for-school, then he is obviously spending too much on his entertainment - even if he is only making minimum wage. My brother was the same (after he graduated school) and it was a tough hole to dig out of.

 

[gotomu212]

I really don't see how this is unfair on both sides as the OP puts it. By early 20s you should be making your own life, and where your parents live really isn't your concern (short of being a little sad they aren't as close to visit).

I cannot imagine my adult child wanting me to reconsider a move because it didn't suit them.

 

[Tattylou]

How old is the son?

 

[nkereina]

How far is "home" for them from where you live? What kind of distance? IMO, it's an easier thing for the son to stay put if it's an hour or two drive away. But if it's flying distance, I wouldn't blame the son for feeling compelled to go with them, even though he likes his life there. Especially if they are the only people he has there, other than your DD. Most people I knew in their early 20s were still living at home while going to school, even if they were working. Or they were in a dorm as full time students, but you mention they are only part time students. It's a big step to be out on your own and the son may feel like he's being forced to choose a direction, rather than taking that step on his own. What's the parents' living situation like? Do they rent or own? Could they sublet to the son until he can take steps to get his own place?

 

[L&Lfan]

How old is the son?

Early 20s