There's nothing like a parent/teacher conference to...

[karynnix]

make you feel like a crappy parent. My DS8 is high-functioning autistic and is struggling to make C's in 3rd grade. He is VERY much improved over last year when he wouldn't do any work. He is writing sentences and getting most of the math problems right...but he doesn't read well. Apparently that is my fault because I don't read to him enough (according to the special ed teacher). Any parent of a HFA child will tell you that they can not physically sit long enough to listen to a complete story, much less, read it aloud to someone. The special ed teacher also thinks that he is babied too much because I walk him inside every morning instead of letting him stand outside. She thinks that he should be able to do everything that the "normal" 3rd graders do. The vice-principal gives him a little award for each 25 days that he does well and doesn't have a meltdown. The teacher thinks that is bad because "the other students have good days too and they don't get rewarded". I can't make her understand that Jack has to work REALLY hard to have a good day and 50 days in a row is SUPER!! These teachers didn't know him last year, and they don't see how much of an improvement he has made. I celebrate any thing that he can do this year that he couldn't/wouldn't do last year, but the teacher thinks that is silly.

On the flip side, I have DD6 in 1st grade and is making straight A's and doing everything correctly. It makes me so mad to think that DS is being compared to DD when it is apples and oranges. They are so different and unique. He works just as hard as she does and doesn't get the recognition from his teacher that she gets from her teacher.

Being a parent is so hard...

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Just a I know it's difficult.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

This is coming from a special ed. teacher? Unbelievable! She, of all people, should know that your son is developing differently than "typical" kids. That teacher is supposed to be helping him meet his absolute highest potential and comparing him to other kids won't help him meet his goals.

My son is 11 and has Asperger's. He is in a mainstream 5th grade class and, generally, the teacher is great. But I don't like hearing, "He should be able to do what the other kids do." No, he hasn't developed the same as "the other kids." We need to give him all the tools he needs to be successful but berating him (or you) for being different is totally wrong.

Guess what? I still walk him right up to the door of his classroom and sometimes I take him inside. He has problems with transitions and I find that it helps to take him inside, read the schedule on the board and discuss the day with him before I take off. It helps him to get settled and I'm not the only parent who comes inside in the mornings.

It's great that your son gets a little reward for not having melt-downs, but I think 25 days is way too long! I work with autistic preschoolers and we give rewards constantly (a little cookie, piece of cereal or a sticker on a chart). They need to be continually reinforced. Now, for an 8 year old and depending on how frequent the tantrums were, I would think a reward every week would be about right. Kids need short-terms goals that they can attain. You have to get excited about their accomplishments, even if it's something that came easily to other kids.

My advice is to keep working hard with your son and keep those celebrations going for all of his accomplishments. They're good for both of you.

 

[CA Disney Fans]

I'm sorry to hear that. Sounds like you're a wonderful parent. Keep up the great work.

 

[cymomtx]

My ds16, has a similar situation in 4th grade! I fought with the teacher from the 3rd week of school. At the beginning of the year she looked at him and decided he was "normal" and would not acknowledge that he needed special considerations. We had know since 1st grade he was High Functions Autistic, but had not formally labeled him. After several meetings with the principal, I had had enough. We requested the Autism evaluation and he was labeled. From that point on, I basically told the teacher to kiss my ....., he is Autistic and this is how it will be done!

Just because they are a special ed. teacher, does not mean they have any experience with HFA. The teacher needs to realize that he may "look" like a 8 year old and like the rest of the kids in the classroom. But they are typically 2-3 years younger emotionally, and considerations have to be made. And like the previous poster said, they need more frequent concrete reenforcements, 25 days is a long time. It may work for him, but typically daily sticker rewards, and filling a chart up within a week is what my DD10 AS needs.

 

[Earstou]

Does your school district have an autism specialist (perhaps the title is different for your school) that can help you? This was a new position in our school a few years ago, and only this year are my son's teachers freely seeking assistance from her, after much nagging on my part.
Also, sometimes the school counselor can be an ally.
Does your son have an IEP? Some issues can be addressed in the IEP.
Call a meeting with the teacher, the vice-principal, the principal, the counselor, the autism specialist if there is one. Explain the problems you're having, and talk about the strides your son has made in the last year. Make this teacher accountable in front of all these other people!
Good luck!

 

[bairdbeth]

Is this a brand new special ed teacher? Sounds like "textbook knowledge" to me. 20 years ago when I started teaching special ed, I had alot of "textbook knowledge" too. Took all of about 1 week to figure out that special needs children do not fit the textbook mold and all are different. You know your child and how far he has come. We do work on parents letting there child walk in alone, but we meet them at the front door and wave to the parent. We don't push it until 4th or 5th grade though as we are just trying to get them ready for middle school. We also don't push it if the student needs the extra support to start the school day and transition well.There are many students in K-5 who walk in with their parents who don't have special needs. I would never tell a parent that this is babying there child. If your son still needs it in order to have a good start for his day, then don't stop. When you think he is ready, you can begin to wean him. If he always needs that support, so be it! Your son is making progress and from what you say has come a long way. You are a great caring parent!

 

[pokemon_master]

I am so sorry to hear how inconsiderate your Special Ed teacher is being. I think you are doing brilliently, and I think praising him is a very good idea indeed. Perhaps there is a higher authority figure to speak to about his needs?

All I have to say is Who wants to be "Like the Other Kids" anyway? That is such a bad thing to say, and as it says on one of the many inspirational posters at our school "Diversity creates Dimension in our world". So, why bother pressuring a kid to be "Normal"?

I hope things pick up soon.

 

[Taratink]

Our conference is in 2 weeks. You've got me nervous. You seem to be doing what you feel your son needs. I drive my son to and from school everyday. I need to get my Asperger DS7 on an IEP or something. Can anyone tell me what accomadations they make for kids with HFA. I am cluelss.
Tara

 

[karynnix]

Depending on the severity, he should be able to have a one-on-one aide with him all day at school. You need to talk to the principal about starting him with the special services and getting him the help that he needs. Jack has an aide with him, not only to help him stay focused on his work, but to make sure that he is safe at school. He had a few instances last year where he wandered off during recess, and I'm so glad that I don't have to worry about that anymore! Bring all of this up in the conference, or talk to the principal if you get a chance before that. Make sure you have his diagnosis with you and you should have no problems. These kids have so much potential...they just have to work a little harder to get there!

 

[RNMOM]

Oh how I DON'T miss those days. My son is 19 and was dx ODD/ADD with sensory issues. It took a special ed Lawyer to help us get him out of his old school and into another elementary in the same district. We had 2 years of hell. The new school had been the designated school for SBH issues before inclusion began. Those teachers knew how to handle behavior issues and he blossomed. Unfortunately when he hit 5th grade it began all over again and never got much better.

If you have a choice of moving him to another teacher or school, do. It took me speaking with his psychologist and speech/OT therapist to determine what school would handle him best as they had other children in our district in the past and knew which schools did best. The hardest people for kids with any issues to deal with are the ones who think they can make them do it their way. Inflexable people make my blood boil to this day.

Follow your gut instincts and research your options. You may never be able to make this teacher do what is right and my concern would be will she take her frustration out on your child? Passive aggresive behavior can be damaging.

Good luck and follow your heart.

 

[maynard]

These kids have so much potential...they just have to work a little harder to get there!

i agree. and they should get equal praise for equal EFFORT, not results. there's plenty of time in the "cold cruel world" for them to get praise (read, high salary) for results. keep doing what you're doing. you know what's best for your child!

just my $0.02 (there's no cents symbol on this crazy thing!).

 

[wvdislover]

So sorry to hear that you're having problems. My DD9 had a lot of problems last year in 3rd grade with her teacher not even trying to understand her. It was a horrible year that we're still trying to redeem. Fortunately, we have a wonderful teacher this year who has taught special ed. for 6 years and has a son with ADHD, too, so she completely understands! It's great that your son's assistant principal has set up this reward system with your DS. Teachers need to realize and understand that giving your DS accomodations isn't putting him above the other students; the accomodations put him on an more even level with the other students. Good luck!

 

[tacomaranch]

My DH and I are alone today for well need rest from DS. Not in a bad way we just need a break.

I am so concerned what the world will hold for our DS with autism. Will he do well in school. Will he always need help? Will he get teased? I have so many questions about what life will bring. DH in his wisdom just said live today, the future will come.

Big Hugs, is sucks!

 

[Kayakmom]

I think every state has different laws but I've talked to many other parents and it seems that all are about the same when it comes to PPT's and IEP's. What you need to do is request a PPT in writing. At the first meeting, it is typical to discuss testing and such. You will sign a consent form for the testing you agree upon and they have a certain number of days to complete the testing. (Here I think it is 45.) Once that is complete, there must be another PPT to review the results of the testing and set up an appropriate plan (IEP) for your child. They have a certain number of days to implement it (5 school days here, I think) and from that point on, they will be requirement to do all of the things in the IEP and you should follow up on it. If you notice it not being done, say something to the Principal right away. They are generally quick to comply once it is pointed out because they don't want lawsuits.

Honestly, even with an IEP, a teacher can make or break a kid. I find that my son does well with younger, more flexible teachers. This year he likes his teacher and she's very patient and understanding and he does well at least sometimes, rather than never. The past two years he had teachers who were very set in their ways and did not do well AT ALL with children with any sort of special needs. My son is very smart (147 verbal IQ) but he has dysgraphia and his performance IQ is an 89! That is such a severe difference that it warrants special services. Anything over 23 point difference here indicates a discepency. His discrepency is huge! He gets help with language arts and occupational therapy. Oftentimes there will be little accomodations like untimed tests or scribes on certain things. For spelling, he only has to write half the sentences the other kids have to write but I make him do it verbally and do all of them. We take advantage of the accomodations when he needs them, but I don't let him get away with things that I know are within his capability. He is so frustrating because, for example, he came home with a report card with all C's and D's on it on Friday, yet there was a test with a grade of 97 in his backpack. When he tries, he is very capable much of the time. When he doesn't care (which is a good portion of the time) he does really poorly.

Anyway, enough about that. The bottom line is that it is well within your rights to request a PPT and they must do it. Once you have that sheet with the accomodations listed, they MUST do them or they will be in violation of the law.

Good luck to you! My ds5 has a HFA boy in his kindergarten classroom and the boy has an aide with him throughout the day. He is doing very well transitioning to the school environment. He came to my son's birthday party and had a great time. We just let him know what his choices were and he could decide for himself which things he wanted to do and which he did not. His parents were thrilled and asked about joining Cub Scouts next year since my hubby is the Cubmaster and Dylan seemed to take well to him. I think it's really important that our kids learn that everyone is not the same and that's what makes people special.

 

[herodrx1]

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with such a narrow minded person. I know its hard to have a child that looks "normal". My DD7 has albinism and has low vision. We all have to keep remembering that she has things that she just can't do the same as others.
Just hang in there. It sounds like you are a wonderful and caring mom!!!

 

[Lives4Disney]

I read the OP this morning and I have been thinking about it all day.....I so feel your pain.

I have 3 kids, the oldest a 16 yr old son that has ADD. Not hyper, just extremely spacey and unfocused. He is an AWESOME kid and looks like a normal teenager, but unfortunately school does not bring out the best in him. He struggles daily & we struggle with him. He has an IEP, and the teachers follow it - sometimes & barely. He is such a smart, fun, funny and NICE & polite kid yet doesn't fit into their box of what they want - an EASY student. Sometimes I think these teachers don't live in the real world & I am really surprised that these people go into teaching. We had the same type of issue of the junior high not understanding WHERE he was with his ADD problems the year before. I got phone call after phone call the first week of Jr. high. I was like "Hey, I am relieved he is remembering his locker locations and combos and making it to classes"....That was a big step for him & something I worried about a lot over the summer. They were constantly finding things that he didn't do as well as other kids and calling me on it! They couldn't appreciate that junior high was a big adjustment for him and compared to where he was with his ADD a few years ago my DH and I were amazed and thrilled at how well he was doing. The school just expected him to be NORMAL and EASY. Everybody is different. My 3 kids couldn't be any more different from each other!

I also used to dread the conferences for my son. When I got home from them, I would actually lie to my son and tell him the teacher said he was "smart, funny, nice, sweet, (all true but not what the teachers had to tell me)......". They didn't of course because he was trouble for them, but he was so happy to have me come home so he could hear the good news & positives about himself. Kids need that. He had two teachers (4th & 5th grade) that did see the good in him and really brought that out - they really liked him. After 6 years he still enjoys to see them and talk to them and they ask about him all the time. THAT is a GOOD teacher!

My middle DD10 is losing her sight, is legally blind, yet she is an A+ student. She is an easy kid and an enthusiastic learner & a BIG rule follower. She stresses over rules and grades and is a big perfectionist. She has an IEP due to her visual problems and gets so much help from the school it is amazing. I look forward to her conferences. I hear only super things.

My youngest DD6 just said the other night "Straight A's are boring". She is a fun fun fun popular girl. She's smart and follows along with the rules and behaves, but she is out for a good time mostly. I am kind of nervous about her conference!

There is such a thing as Karma and what goes around comes around. My son's worst teacher's kid was on my DD's soccer team last year.....that kid was a handful. I smiled at every practice and had a secret laugh.

Hang in there. I can't say it will get better, but it changes. My son has made so many new friends in HS (he really only had two until his freshman year) and is always on the go having fun on the weekends. Differences and individuality are appreciated by the kids at least!

Lives4Disney

 

[karynnix]

Thanks so much for all of your comments. I think that I am a good mom and I just want what is best for Jack. Don't get me wrong...the school does wonderful things for him. They are doing basic skills testing (a NIGHTMARE for an autistic kid), and he is able to take the test in a room without any other kids. He is SAILING through the tests with flying colors!! This one teacher is bending a little to my suggestions and I am satisfied with that right now. I do still walk Jack inside for now, but I let the aide have him at the top of the stairs instead of taking him all the way to the classroom. Things will continue to get better as I can make her see WHO Jack is...he is not just "another student", he is JACK and JACK is special and unique.

 

[playwright]

Your DS Jack is most certainly unique and wonderful and he is fortunate to have you as a Mom. Good luck to you. I'm sending out another because what the posters have said here made me cry, in a good way.

I agree that a good teacher can make a long-lasting difference. After hearing so many negatives in K and 1st about what my DS couldn't do as well as the other children, etc. he had the most wonderful teacher in second grade who was straightforward yet kind - ex. "he has difficulty with subtraction" - without comparing him negatively to the others, and found positive things to say - "he gets along well with the others, he works hard".