The week has finally ended.. Time to adjust and move on.. Final post #138 re my Mom..

[manning]

Hang in there.

You don't know it yet, but you came out ahead. You have fond memories of your mother. He may find out he has.....nothing.

Another thing, he revealed to everyone that he is a cheap horse's butt.

My dad used to say don't commit murder when someone commits suicide (figure of speech.) Well, your brother just committed the perfect suicide. Think anyone will have any respect for him now?


Now, starting tomorrow sit back and count your blessings. I think you are going to be at it for awhile.

 

[TinkerbelleAbbysMom]

C.Ann my heart is breaking for you! I did not realize when I seconded the chemo idea that he had been "fine" with everyone else. I know there are no words right now to make you feel better. I know the therapist will be able to help. ust know we are here and will continue to pray for you! Please try to rest in the fact that YOU were at your mother's side... not this GUY! Even though he does not seem to respect the love and attention you gave her in her final days, others do recognize it. I am so sorry you are hurting doubly at this time! Please continue to come and vent to us as much as you need. Or you can even PM me if needed! Even if you want to curse and scream at me in those PMs !!

 

[C.Ann]

CAnn I am so sorry for all you are going through. What a horrible way to treat you. Unfortunately this behavior happens among all families. When my aunt's MIL was getting bad with dementia her BIL decided to have her move in with him, the MIL that is. After spending $25,000 of her money to improve his house he decided she was too much trouble. My aunts partner took her mother in with them. When the MIL passed away I went to the funeral. The brother actually went up to his sister and told her to stop crying she looked like a fool. He then sued his sister because he was contesting the will. He lost. I hope this made sense. What I am trying to say and not very well is that your brother is a loser. You have your DD and DGD. You were there for your mom and you have your memories of her. He can't take that from you. Please take care of yourself. God has you in his arms during this difficult time.

That's what makes it even worse.. There was nothing to "fight over" - which is usually what brings out the worst in people.. Mom had nothing left - except the few things in her room at the nursing home.. Nothing! When her own money ran out, her care was taken over by Medicaid.. So it's not a matter of "things"; a house; money in the bank.. There isn't anything..

All I wanted was to be included in her viewing and funeral - and be allowed to offer a few suggestions about Mom's favorite colors and the kind of flowers she loved.. If I had even gotten that - and NOTHING else - not even a prayer card - I would have been fine.. Instead I got totally excluded - and some RAGS.. What kind of person does that?

 

[jujube]

First, I'm so sorry about your Mom.
Our daughter is adopted. If one of her brothers treated her the way your brother treated you, I'd come back from the grave and pull his toes every single night.
What he did was awful and I'm sorry about this too.

 

[diznygirl]

I'm soooo sorry your brother is a being such a butt C.Ann. You will get past this. He'll go home, life will continue with your daughter and granddaughter - it will be good, I promise! Hang on to those memories of your mother - nobody can take those away from you!

 

[tazdev3225]

That's what makes it even worse.. There was nothing to "fight over" - which is usually what brings out the worst in people.. Mom had nothing left - except the few things in her room at the nursing home.. Nothing! When her own money ran out, her care was taken over by Medicaid.. So it's not a matter of "things"; a house; money in the bank.. There isn't anything..

All I wanted was to be included in her viewing and funeral - and be allowed to offer a few suggestions about Mom's favorite colors and the kind of flowers she loved.. If I had even gotten that - and NOTHING else - not even a prayer card - I would have been fine.. Instead I got totally excluded - and some RAGS.. What kind of person does that?

A very small mean hearted person. I am so sorry. I can't really understand your brother. I know your mom would not have wanted this. To take it upon himself to exclude you and then do everything she wouldn't have wanted just shows he wasn't much of a son and is a lousy brother. I understand the hurt. It's not quite the same but when my aunt died I asked my mom to see if I could have her cookie jar. My mom's uncles refused the request and sold everything at auction. I would have paid for it if that was what they wanted and they flat out refused. That one little thing would have meant the worldd to me and was something I would have cherished forever. I lived around the corner from her and we shared many a cookie from the jar. Death just brings out the mean spirits of some people.

 

[Maridw]

First I want to say I am so sorry for your loss. When I read about how your mother passed with her "baby", I sat here and cried. It was such a beautiful story.

Second I am sorry that you are going through such a terrible time with your "brother". He needs a swift kick in the pants for the way he treated you and the way he treated his mother. To not be there for her final moments and then to not know what her favorite color was or that she hated a particular color. He obviously thought that because she was a woman she would want pink. Not every woman likes pink. My DD would rather be in blue or purple than pink.

Keep strong with your faith. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[DMRick]

Are you saying he excluded you from the viewing and funeral..as in, you didn't get to be there? He wouldn't even give you a prayer card?? Did your sister end up coming up? Is she adopted too, or was she just too confused at this time to stick up for you with him? I'm shocked that he would keep you away. Did the cancer in his eyes hit his brain?? That is just horrible.
I hope your sister is still up here and that you get to talk to her privately. That is just not right..you are legally her daughter!

I just read some pages I had missed. I just can't believe someone would treat a member of the family (and you are his sister legally, if he likes it or not) like this. But you know...you can let him get you and kick you and he wins. Know you were there when your mom crossed over, and that your mom and dad loved you like the daughter you are. Your mom wasn't there to see the pink..so she was not hurt at all by any of this. Keep telling yourself that. Hold on to that, and don't let him win. Even if you decide to hate him now, he wins, you lose. It doesn't sound like it will eat him up at all. He hasn't been around for you, so what he says and does is his cross to bear, and right now, just concentrate on yourself..not him. Don't. let. him. win.

All I wanted was to be included in her viewing and funeral - and be allowed to offer a few suggestions about Mom's favorite colors and the kind of flowers she loved.. If I had even gotten that - and NOTHING else - not even a prayer card - I would have been fine.. Instead I got totally excluded - and some RAGS.. What kind of person does that?

 

[C.Ann]

Are you saying he excluded you from the viewing and funeral..as in, you didn't get to be there?

Yes.

He wouldn't even give you a prayer card??

DD swiped a few (for me, my older DD, etc.) - along with 2 copies of the church program..

Did your sister end up coming up?

Yes - and she wished she didn't..

Is she adopted too, or was she just too confused at this time to stick up for you with him? I'm shocked that he would keep you away.

No - she is not adopted.. Just myself and my younger deceased brother..

She is very, very sick.. She is way beyond early Alzheimers (as well as other health problems).. Speech was slurred, falling down all over the place, crying hysterically, blank stares, totally loss of train of thought - so my DD and my DGD stayed right by her side the entire time.. My "cousin" (former "brother") didn't even make sure she had a wheelchair..

Did the cancer in his eyes hit his brain?? That is just horrible.

Beyond horrible - the absolute worst cruelty I have ever experienced from anyone in my entire 62 years of life..

I hope your sister is still up here and that you get to talk to her privately. That is just not right..you are legally her daughter!

She is with "him" - at his GF's DD's house.. We have no address, no phone number.. She will have to leave with him tomorrow..

I have worked very, very hard for months and months now to make very serious changes in my life.. How I respond to other people.. How I treat other people.. Making my faith stronger and stronger.. This will NOT be forgiven..

This is that "bell that can't be unwrung" - EVER..

 

[DMRick]

I'm not suggesting you unring the bell, or even that you forgive him. I am saying that you can't let him win, by making you so upset that breathing is hard. You won't change him..he's obviously not a good person. This week was about your mom. He's trying to make you feel that you weren't her daughter. He can't make you feel that way unless you let him. Go back and re-read what you wrote about your mom's passing. You were there. She would have wanted you there. You weren't some accident, you were a daughter she picked. She didn't have to. He's also obviously jealous of you and has always been.

But if you allow him to make you feel terrible, to make you sick, he wins...and he certainly shouldn't win. For him to not 'allow' you at your mom's funeral (and it's a public place, who does he think he is, to not allow you) says a lot about him to others. If he really does have cancer, and the lung disease, he's going to shortly have some explaining to do about the way he treated you. Talk with the therapist..make sure you keep that appointment. You need to get through this whole..or again, he wins. Do you really want that?

I have worked very, very hard for months and months now to make very serious changes in my life.. How I respond to other people.. How I treat other people.. Making my faith stronger and stronger.. This will NOT be forgiven..

This is that "bell that can't be unwrung" - EVER..

 

[C.Ann]

I am saying that you can't let him win, by making you so upset that breathing is hard.

He can't make you feel that way unless you let him.

But if you allow him to make you feel terrible, to make you sick, he wins...and he certainly shouldn't win.

Talk with the therapist..make sure you keep that appointment. You need to get through this whole..or again, he wins. Do you really want that?

"He" is not "winning" anything - he LOST a sister that loved him to death and would walk on cut glass for him; give him a kidney; whatever.. HE is the loser here..

However, I can't control the way my body is responding.. That's like telling a paralyzed person to walk.. I open my mouth to talk, get a few words out (totally unrelated to this whole situation) and I start crying.. I wake up during the night already crying.. It's not humanly possible to prevent yourself from crying when you're sleeping.. I think my body is in shock - and this is the response.. I have a feeling that once he is out of the state (hopefully tomorrow) - and providing he doesn't try to make contact with me between now and then (HIGHLY unlikely) - I will be in much better shape.. He will be gone - for good - and there will be no fear of a confrontation between the two of us.. (Which I am VERY PROUD to say has not taken place during this entire week SOLELY due to my making the choice NOT to go down that road and allowing him to bury "his" mother without me making a scene.. I took the high road, he took the low road..)

I will definitely talk to the therapist (that goes without saying) - was lucky enough to get a very good CBT therapist again (since my new insurance doesn't cover my former one) - and it won't be a "one time" talk.. Not because I'm going to continue to cry; fall apart; not be able to breathe; not be able to sleep; etc. - but because my goal is to take care of the anger.. I don't have the room - the need - or the desire for anger in my life anymore - and haven't for awhile now..

Hurt and grief are on a time table of their own - different for every individual -but one can not grieve and/or get past hurt if they allow anger to block the process..

With therapy, God, faith, and continued prayer, I will get through this.. Unfortunately it was too much, too fast, and a new slam every day..

Once he's gone - and out of my life - I'll be fine.. It will take time and effort, but I WILL come out the "winner" in all of this.. I will NOT be the kind of person he turned out to be.. I will contine to better myself - in every aspect of my life - and him? Well - he'll face his judgment day just like the rest of us.. Until that day comes, he will have to live with the choices he has made every minute of his life..

I wonder how he's going to feel when he goes to church again next Sunday?

 

[lucyanna girl]

I'm so sorry.

Some people just plain stink they are so mean and he sounds like one of them.

Please take care of yourself. Your mother was loved - YOU loved her! Now love yourself and don't let him destroy your peace of mind.

Penny

 

[charming23]

C.Ann, I am so sorry you have to deal with all of this on top of losing your mother. Your "brother" is being very cruel and there is absolutely no excuse for it.

 

[DMRick]

I wonder how he's going to feel when he goes to church again next Sunday?

I'm sure not any different than he feels today. His judgement will be later. Perhaps even when he's alone someday. To exclude you from your own mom's funeral for his selfish reasons, is just inexcusable.

Does your sister have your phone number? I know you can't reach her while she is up here, but I hope she reaches out to you so you can feel her love as your sister. Also, I hope your other children are able to come and spend time with you (and your daughter), so you can all be with the family you have made...you don't need your brother! Crowd yourself with those who love you!

Hopefully your wish to control the anger so it doesn't control you while sleeping or take you unaware is taken care of once you visit with the therapist and talk it out. I hope things look brighter for you quickly.

 

[Feisty Fairy]

I am sorry for your lose. I just lost my grannie August 21st and it has been extremely hard to deal with. I like the idea of the flowers. That is the one thing we wanted to make sure my grannie had at the funereal because she loved gardening. Sorry again. If you need to PM me you can.

 

[NHdisneylover]

C Ann--I have only just come back to this thread and seen what a horrible thing your brother is doing. He must be one of those people who react to hurting by lashing out and hurting others. That does not make his actions okay--he should have stopped doing that by age 5 or so, but some people are like that. I am SO VERY SORRY that he is hurting you in this way.

I agree with everyone that clearly you were your mother's daughter. A very loving and wonderful daughter and I am POSITIVE she felt that way always. I hope the peace of her passing is the memory that can stay with you from this time and not the cruelty of your brother after the fact

 

[TinkerbelleAbbysMom]

All I can say after reading this last part is WOW!! Such an incredible jerk!
Praying for you! And as I said, If you need to PM me or get my regular email to just scream and curse about it, let me know! I think you are very wise with your plan. You acknowledge the need to release the anger which is a wonderful thing.

 

[MIGrandma]

C.Ann, I am so very sorry you're having to deal with all of this horrible stuff, after losing your dear Mother. I can't even imagine a "brother" treating his sister, adopted or not, like he has treated you. But there is one thing he can never take away from you, all the wonderful memories you have of your Mother. Hang onto those, continue to pray for healing and hopefully the therapist can help you with how you feel towards him. Take one day at a time, and get back to living your life with your DD and DGD.

 

[MissUndastood]

C.Ann I am so very sorry for your pain. You now need to concentrate on YOU. Please take this without offense, but you seem a little off right now. Understandably so, but just take it easy and surround yourself with people that love you. A therapist sounds like a great idea.

 

[tazdev3225]

CAnn just sending and prayers your way that today is a better day for you. Take it one day at a time and remember you are the better person. See the therapist I strongly believe in their power to help and keep talking to God. He is there for you. One of my favorite poems is Footprints in the Sand. Know that in this your lowest time He is right there carrying you through. It has brought me comfort in low times. Make sure you are taking care of yourself though. Stress, anger and hurt can take a toll on the body as well as the spirit. From all of your posts you were a wonderful daughter and I know your mom loved you. I can offer all kinds of guesses to explain your brothers behavior but in the end he is a horses patoot. Please let us know how you are doing and know that your DIS friends care.