The week has finally ended.. Time to adjust and move on.. Final post #138 re my Mom..

[Scrap4me]

C. Ann my heart aches for you. Only time is going to help you deal with the double loss that you have been dealt. Unfortunately, the loss of your brother is something you may never overcome, but you can learn to lessen the pain.
You are someone who has given their love unconditionally-and for that you have risen above the circumstances of what has happened. It is true what they say--those whom we love, are those who hurt us the most.
You stated previously that funerals are for the living--that is so true--unfortunately you were denied that chance..but...take heart in one thing:
She lived her final moments with YOU! And from what you said, they were glorious moments that can not be taken from you. Those feelings from that time, wrap yourself in them every time a crying spell hits, and soon, your body will adjust. The loss of a loved one is both mental and physical, it sometimes takes our bodies longer to adjust. Time---it is all about time.
You need to focus on you now.. You need to continue to love as before (yes, it will be tough) that is who you are.
Rely on your faith, take the pain, the anguish, and everything else and lay it at his feet. We all love you C. Ann, always know that you can count on that one!

Patricia

 

[C.Ann]

I'm sure not any different than he feels today. His judgement will be later. Perhaps even when he's alone someday. To exclude you from your own mom's funeral for his selfish reasons, is just inexcusable.

Hopefully your wish to control the anger so it doesn't control you while sleeping or take you unaware is taken care of once you visit with the therapist and talk it out. I hope things look brighter for you quickly.

Thank you for that - and thank you for leaving it at that..

And as I said, If you need to PM me or get my regular email to just scream and curse about it, let me know! I think you are very wise with your plan. You acknowledge the need to release the anger which is a wonderful thing.

Umm.. You might want to take that "invitation" back.. Do we have a "head exploding" smiley here?

Please take this without offense, but you seem a little off right now. Understandably so, but just take it easy and surround yourself with people that love you. A therapist sounds like a great idea.

No offense taken.. I don't know what your definition of "off" is (nor does it matter), but I knew I was "off" when I screamed at someone I have never, ever yelled at before - for something totally insignificant and not related to what's been going on.. The first thing I did was apologize profusely - and the next words out of my mouth were, "I need to see a therapist ASAP.."

If I ignore this - or try to handle it on my own - my anger could result in my being cruel to people who absolutely do NOT deserve it.. And what does that make me? "Him.. Totally unacceptable - and I will not allow that to happen..

The loss of a loved one is both mental and physical, it sometimes takes our bodies longer to adjust. Time---it is all about time.

Rely on your faith, take the pain, the anguish, and everything else and lay it at his feet. We all love you C. Ann, always know that you can count on that one!

Patricia

Yes - it does take time.. I've been down this road many times in the past 6 years - although for some reason this seems much worse.. (Maybe because it was a double blow - dragged out for a week - with new jabs every day..) I don't know.. But what I do know is that dealing with grief and loss is a very personal issue that has to be handled on my time frame - not that of anyone elses (no matter how kindly people say "You need to get over it and let it go..").. That's a recipe for disaster - an invitation for it to come back and smack you in the face a million times harder - when you least expect it..(Been there, done that..)

I will continue to rely on my faith - in conjunction with therapy - and of course I will always keep in mind how supportive many people here have been during this terribly dreadful time..

I will not allow anger to control my life - nor will I be cruel to others, just because I "can".. That is NOT who I want to be for the rest of my life..

Thank you so much for your kind words and support..

 

[beaucoup]

If someone really wants to attend their mother's funeral, I can't see anyway to stop them except to have armed guards and to arrest them for showing up.

Threating arrest or telling me to not show up would not stop me.

 

[pensgirl10]

Oh dear. Now I see why you posted that the candy apple thread made you laugh for the first time in a week. I am so sorry....for everything.

 

[leight]

I don't know what else to say but to offer my condolances on both the loss of your mom and your brother's relationship. What he did to you is beyond description. I hope that in time the loving memories that you have of your mom and you together allows some of the closure it seems your brother has denied you. I can't imagine how he can shut you out from her viewing! How horrible.

To help yourself, perhaps having a private memorial service with just your nearest and dearest at your personal church may provide a bit of peace for you.

From one adoptee to another, family is the love you give and share, neither blood nor legalities eclipse the other. Prayers and good thoughts being sent to you.

 

[rndmr2]

Umm.. You might want to take that "invitation" back.. Do we have a "head exploding" smiley here?

Will this work?

Just coming on this a little late but I read through this whole thread today and I wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss.

 

[TinkerbelleAbbysMom]

No, I won't take it back! I am serious! Anything or anyway I can help!

 

[Pooh67_68]

 

[C.Ann]

Will this work?

Just coming on this a little late but I read through this whole thread today and I wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss.

Yes - that would have worked, but quite honestly I don't feel the need for it today.. I know that the only proper place to deal with my anger issue is in the therapists office.. Not taking it out on other people in RL; not turning into "him" in RL; and certainly not aiming it at anyone here on the DIS.. The worst of it is over.. I vented here for a time - and to the best of my knowledge, "he" is on his way back to Florida today and I won't be seeing him or speaking with him ever again.. (I did notice that at least one person here feels I should have handled things differently, but if it's an attempt to get under my skin, it's a wasted effort..) My "button" is currently disengaged - and will not be switched back on until I am in the appropriate place - speaking with a professional who understands that forcing the issue would have been taking the low road; disrespectful to my mother; disrespectful to others in attendance (including great-grandchildren as young as 4 years old); and all about "entitlement issues" - "Me, me, me" and the heck with everyone else.. When people become older and wiser, they come to realize that in many cases "just because you can, doesn't mean you should.."

Thank you for finding it though - and thank you for your kind words..

A few additional things have happened that have made a world of difference as well.. My Dson-in-law was in a car accident this morning - and for a time, I didn't know what his condition was or how seriously he was injured.. If that didn't "distract me", I don't know what would!! But I'm happy to report that he seems to be okay (even though he insisted on going back to work anyhow without a trip to the ER) and at some point within the next 24 hours (or less) he will be pushed, pulled, or dragged somewhere to be 100% certain he's not injured..

Last night I forgot to mention two things.. One was that my DD informed me that she took photos of my Mom in the funeral home - just in case I ever wanted to see them.. Not sure on that one as my DD said she did not look good; appeared to have a "frown" on her face; and my DGD said she looked angry.. With so much going on, I didn't really think much of it though..

And the other thing I forgot to mention is that when my DD got here Saturday night (more than 24 hours after the funeral) she gave me a "pink" rose - from the flowers "he" choose.. The rose was pretty much dead (she said they were already wilted first thing at the viewing), but she thought maybe I might want to try to dry it - or press it between pieces of waxed paper and put it in my Bible.. I set it off to the side - not exactly sure what I was going to do with it - or when.. Then very late last night (actually around 1 a.m. or so this morning - after I got off the DIS), I happened to glance at it on my way into my bedroom..

I don't know what made me do it - or what I was thinking - but I pulled the dead leaves off, cut the stem at a slant, and put my "dead" rose in a small vase with some water on my table..

When I got up this morning, my "dead" rose was wide open - in full bloom!!! I actually smiled - and thought to myself, one of two things is going on here:

(A) Mom is saying: "Pink??? He did everything in PINK??? Even dressed my baby boy in pink???"

or

(B)"You didn't miss a thing.. I'm right here.."

I'm looking at it right now - still in full bloom - 4 days after it was wilted, 3 days after it was dead..

Somehow I have the feeling the last laugh is on "him".. Way to go, Mom!!

 

[leight]

When I got up this morning, my "dead" rose was wide open - in full bloom!!! I actually smiled - and thought to myself, one of two things is going on here:

(A) Mom is saying: "Pink??? He did everything in PINK??? Even dressed my baby boy in pink???"

or

(B)"You didn't miss a thing.. I'm right here.."

I'm looking at it right now - still in full bloom - 4 days after it was wilted, 3 days after it was dead..

Somehow I have the feeling the last laugh is on "him".. Way to go, Mom!!

That's just awesome C.Ann. And I also think that she's smiling her approval for you...I'm glad your DSIL is ok. Have a great evening

 

[rndmr2]

And the other thing I forgot to mention is that when my DD got here Saturday night (more than 24 hours after the funeral) she gave me a "pink" rose - from the flowers "he" choose.. The rose was pretty much dead (she said they were already wilted first thing at the viewing), but she thought maybe I might want to try to dry it - or press it between pieces of waxed paper and put it in my Bible.. I set it off to the side - not exactly sure what I was going to do with it - or when.. Then very late last night (actually around 1 a.m. or so this morning - after I got off the DIS), I happened to glance at it on my way into my bedroom..

I don't know what made me do it - or what I was thinking - but I pulled the dead leaves off, cut the stem at a slant, and put my "dead" rose in a small vase with some water on my table..

When I got up this morning, my "dead" rose was wide open - in full bloom!!! I actually smiled - and thought to myself, one of two things is going on here:

(A) Mom is saying: "Pink??? He did everything in PINK??? Even dressed my baby boy in pink???"

or

(B)"You didn't miss a thing.. I'm right here.."

I'm looking at it right now - still in full bloom - 4 days after it was wilted, 3 days after it was dead..

Somehow I have the feeling the last laugh is on "him".. Way to go, Mom!!

That is awesome!

 

[TinkerbelleAbbysMom]

AWESOME!!!! Sounds like you are "in a better place" tonight! Just remember we are here for you!

 

[Swan4Me]

(I wouldn't know because he hasn't bothered to talk to me)..
He's been just fine and dandy with everyone else.. Laughing, joking, walking around in his "rose colored glasses",

\
As for "his" mother's funeral - he put her in a pink dress (Mom hated pink - never, ever wore it); ordered pink roses; and had her BOY baby doll dressed in PINK.. No glasses - no teeth..

I'm sorry that the two of you never spoke-I guess a lot of people think in terms of pink or lavender Flowers when they think of their Mom-I dont think that is as horrible as you think.
I'm sorry you were not able to discuss the colors you preferred-I'm guessing a lot of families deals with difference of opinions at these difficult times-so sorry these things kept you from your Mom's funeral

 

[Conservative Hippie]

I'm sorry that the two of you never spoke-I guess a lot of people think in terms of pink or lavender Flowers when they think of their Mom-I dont think that is as horrible as you think.
I'm sorry you were not able to discuss the colors you preferred-I'm guessing a lot of families deals with difference of opinions at these difficult times-so sorry these things kept you from your Mom's funeral

No one would ever think of my mom in terms of pink! If they did, the must have never have met her. Even if C. Ann's brother did think of his mother in terms of pink, the thing that gets me is the baby - the baby was a boy. While everyone will argue about whether a grown man or 3 year old boy can wear pink, boy dolls don't wear pink. That was a slap in the face to his mother's most precious possession.

 

[C.Ann]

I'm sorry that the two of you never spoke-I guess a lot of people think in terms of pink or lavender Flowers when they think of their Mom-I dont think that is as horrible as you think.
I'm sorry you were not able to discuss the colors you preferred-I'm guessing a lot of families deals with difference of opinions at these difficult times-so sorry these things kept you from your Mom's funeral

Umm - I hope you don't think it was "choices of colors" that kept me from being able to attend Mom's funeral.. That would be just plain silly..

There's whole lot more to the story than that, but I think I've shared more than enough already.. Acutally, more than I intended - before I got a handle on my anger and realized what I need to do about it..

Lots of people have been very supportive here - and no offense to anyone, but they're not professionals - nor are they the therapist of my choice (although even if they were, they actually know very little about my life and what has evolved over the past 9 months or so).. I know the road I have to travel (which is one of several the reasons I'm doing SO much better today) and it's not a journey that the DIS can (or should) take with me..

The "worst" of the worse is over.. All that's left to deal with is the anger (with my therapist) - as well as the process of grieving and healing from a double loss.. That will take time - yes - but there is no specific "timeline" one is required to follow (contrary to what many people believe)..

Again, thanks for the support..

 

[Swan4Me]

Honestly-if her mother was not in her right mind for so long,maybe he didnt know it was a boy-baby dolls tend to look generic. He still had to go somewhere ans purchase these clothes for Mom and dolly-so that took effort.My mom is in a nursing home and lots of the ladies have baby dolls-and i honestly cant tell from their head if they are girl or boys

It simply sounds like a differnce of opinion on colors-and that would not keep me from my Mother's funeral!

(And I already know my brother wants a more elaborate funeral than Sis and I do when my Mom passes-at first I was angry-but its not worth all the drama, IMO)

 

[C.Ann]

Umm - I hope you don't think it was "choices of colors" that kept me from being able to attend Mom's funeral.. That would be just plain silly..

There's whole lot more to the story than that, but I think I've shared more than enough already.. Acutally, more than I intended - before I got a handle on my anger and realized what I need to do about it..

Lots of people have been very supportive here - and no offense to anyone, but they're not professionals - nor are they the therapist of my choice (although even if they were, they actually know very little about my life and what has evolved over the past 9 months or so).. I know the road I have to travel (which is one of several the reasons I'm doing SO much better today) and it's not a journey that the DIS can (or should) take with me..

The "worst" of the worse is over.. All that's left to deal with is the anger (with my therapist) - as well as the process of grieving and healing from a double loss.. That will take time - yes - but there is no specific "timeline" one is required to follow (contrary to what many people believe)..

Again, thanks for the support..

Did you read my last post - above? Specifically the first paragraph?

It simply sounds like a differnce of opinion on colors-and that would not keep me from my Mother's funeral!

You're getting yourself all worked up over nothing.. I realize that you don't understand - because I have intentionally left out key elements that don't need to be shared on the DIS (or forever in cyberspace) - and they won't be - ever.. I don't know if you think you need to know more than what I've already posted or you're just confused.. But either way, I really do feel bad that you're getting so upset about this.. It's okay - really..

 

[C.Ann]

This will be my final post on this particular thread.. I know within the past week or two that I read a thread where someone was upset about posters starting a thread - people typing out long, thoughtful responses, and then the original OP never coming back to say thank you or respond..

I don't want that to be the case here - because so many of you were really supportive and put a lot of time and thought into your efforts to help me through a very difficult time..

So - this is it.. It's the beginning of a new week - time for me to move on and and do what I have to do.. There's really no reason to continue this thread - and quite frankly, re-reading much of what I experienced would definitely not be considered "good therapy"..

Thank you all for your thoughts, suggestions, prayers, well wishes, and just plain old listening.. I will remember each and every one of you in my prayers - and several of you may receive PM's in your box from me in the days and weeks ahead..

Time to close this chapter - and put myself to bed!

May we all meet again - under much better circumstances!!!

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

If someone really wants to attend their mother's funeral, I can't see anyway to stop them except to have armed guards and to arrest them for showing up.

Threating arrest or telling me to not show up would not stop me.

I agree!

I hope the OP gets help and finds peace. Hopefully with time, the family disagreements will seem petty and there can be a reconciliation.