The straw - he's gone, pg 7

[The Mystery Machine]

Small update...

My brother talked to her and reminded her how we all agreed to do Christmas this year and then asked her again if she wanted the list, she said no.

I got a voicemail from Person B last Friday, she was driving to an out of town meeting and was wondering what I was up to. I knew she was calling because she needed a place to spend the night on Saturday on her way back home. On Saturday she called again and she acted as if nothing had ever happened.

She asked if we were going to be home and I said that I had heard she had made other plans to stay somewhere else, she denied it and I told her I heard all the things she had said about me and how angry she got over the Christmas list. She 100% denied being angry and denied saying anything about me, which is what I expected, she has done this before.

I did end up letting her stay here, but it was a pretty cool evening. She came in late and we went about our business and then went to bed, without talking very much. She got up early the next day and was ready to leave before we left for church. I've talked to her once since then, she let me know they got home OK that night. I kept it short and got off the phone as soon as I could.

Before this happened she had asked about coming here for Thanksgiving and I (at that time) didn't know what we were going to do, I think now I am just going to say we have other plans. DH and I have decided we don't want the drama and are looking forward to a quiet Thanksgiving at home alone with us and our DD's. The next hurdle will be Christmas, where I plan to be cordial but I am not going to let her treat me like this anymore. I really feel this was the straw that broke the relationship between her and I, unless she decides to acknowledge her behaviour and do something to change it, I can't see us going back.

Thanks for letting me vent.

It is about time. I love it when people "move forward". And "being cordial" is the right way to go.

"Cutting her off" takes so much more energy out of you. You only go that route when it is something "dangerous".

Maybe your back will stop hurting soon.

 

[Took]

Call me selfish, but I would not associate with any family member who treated me as you have been by "B." I confess, however, that my family just doesn't have these sorts of dramas. We aren't super close, although we do talk fairly frequently, but we don't gossip, back-stab, snipe, etc. Members who wish to not be included are (cordially) not pressed to do so; those who want to bond every holiday do. If a member were "bad" to others in the family, he or she would just be cut out of the loop, as it were.

I guess my advice is to "ignore the baby" ("B"). Don't talk when she calls (ignore the call altogether); don't invite her into your home. If she "needs a place to stay," suggest a good local hotel. Be around those whom you like and who appreciate you.

 

[emdav]

I would switch family members for whomever has person B so I had person B. I would frame that stupid list and give it as a present.

Love it!

 

[Disney Doll]

I would switch family members for whomever has person B so I had person B. I would frame that stupid list and give it as a present.

I like the way you think!

 

[Disney Doll]

Truthfully, I'd slowly remove "B" from my life.

It seems as if everyone knows how she is, everyone knows how she will behave, eveyone knows she is a liar.

So the question becomes "Why does everyone put up with it?".

Her behavior continues as is, because it has been allowed to continue.

Even you allowed it to continue when you allowed her to stay at your house after her behavior with you on the phone, let alone all the other talking behind your back that she did.

You don't have to be mean to her, but a simple "No, you are not welcome to stay at my house" would have sufficed.

And very simply, when asked by her or anyone else why you are taking this stance, the proper response is "Because I am tired of all the shenanigans, so if I don't involve myself with her,there will be no shenanigans".

People do not treat us badly unless we allow it.

 

[pixiewings71]

OP I would tell Person B exactly why things are different and she did to cause the rift. I'm sorry she acted that way and I hope you enjoy your Thanksgiving at home.

 

[It'sWDW4me]

I would switch family members for whomever has person B so I had person B. I would frame that stupid list and give it as a present.

PS - Maybe for Christmas you could put the list onto one of those make-your-own jigsaw puzzles and give her the unassembled pieces...heheheheh.

 

[SleepyMom]

I cannot believe I am writing this update

I was holding strong to keep myself away from all the drama and craziness and then life slapped us all in the face today.

First, I am just gonna throw this out there, Person B is my Mom.

Last Wednesday (Veteran's Day) she came home and discovered her DH (my step-dad) was looking different, kind of yellowish. She took him to the VA Hospital and they ran some tests and thought he had a bile duct blocked. On Thursday they got the call that it was actually a mass on his pancreas that was blocking the bile duct. On Monday (just yesterday, seems like a year already) she got a call saying they were 90% sure it is cancer and inoperable. Today they did a biopsy and put in a stent (sp) to clear the duct and they discovered it has spread. They have given him 8 weeks

We are in the process of changing our Thanksgiving plans, we will be going there to see them and probably to say good-bye to Grandpa. He married my Mom long after I moved out, but for the last 23 years he has been a wonderful Grandpa to my 2 DD's. They are devastated and so am I.

So much for the drama of Christmas, now we are all just praying he will still be here then.

 

[Plannin'Shannon]

I am so, so sorry. My thoughts and prayers will be with you this holiday season.

 

[Darsa]

Oh wow, hun, I cannot say how sorry I am to hear that! I hope that your stepdad is able to find comfort and peace, and most of all make it through the holidays to be with his family.

Much love to you and your family

 

[shortbun]

I'm so sorry about all of it. I hope you can all find some peace and have a little time to enjoy Grandpa over the holidays and that your DDs are ok with this. Sending you good, calm thoughts. Please take care of yourselves; eat healthy, drink lots of water and try to get some rest.

 

[DMRick]

Awww..I'm sorry. Makes the unimportant things seem..well, unimportant.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I cannot believe I am writing this update

I was holding strong to keep myself away from all the drama and craziness and then life slapped us all in the face today.

First, I am just gonna throw this out there, Person B is my Mom.

Last Wednesday (Veteran's Day) she came home and discovered her DH (my step-dad) was looking different, kind of yellowish. She took him to the VA Hospital and they ran some tests and thought he had a bile duct blocked. On Thursday they got the call that it was actually a mass on his pancreas that was blocking the bile duct. On Monday (just yesterday, seems like a year already) she got a call saying they were 90% sure it is cancer and inoperable. Today they did a biopsy and put in a stent (sp) to clear the duct and they discovered it has spread. They have given him 8 weeks

We are in the process of changing our Thanksgiving plans, we will be going there to see them and probably to say good-bye to Grandpa. He married my Mom long after I moved out, but for the last 23 years he has been a wonderful Grandpa to my 2 DD's. They are devasted and so am I.

So much for the drama of Christmas, now we are all just praying he will still be here then.

I am so sorry. My sister is in the same boat. Her MIL went in to "fix" her digestive issues that have plagued her for yrs and yrs only to find out she is full of cancer as well.

They have not given her "time" because she is in the hospital tying to recover from the incision they made into her bowel.

We are all in shock here too.

What I tell my sister is to take it day to day. Again I am so sorry for your news.

 

[agnes!]

I m so sorry SleepyMom.

And Mystery Machine, I am sorry for your family's sad news as well. I wonder how many DISers, upon reading this thread, will decide to get postponed medical tests done and to also get any digestive issues checked-out.

agnes!

 

[rie'smom]

I'm so sorry.

 

[Kristi1357]

 

[RunningGirl]

So sorry.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I'm so sorry for this.

 

[MinnieTink]

How awful! I'm so sorry.

 

[SleepyMom]

Thank you everyone, I think we are all still kind of in a shock mode, haven't really grasped it all yet.

Mystery Machine I am sorry to hear about your sister as well. That is maybe one good thing in this that he didn't have regular surgery and needs to recover from that during this time. At his age and with this going on I don't think healing from surgery would have been easy for him. They went down thru the throat and made a tiny slit to get the stent in and do the biopsy, so he has no incisions anywhere on the outside. He actually was able to go home from the hospital last night.

The sad thing on top of an already sad situation is my Mom is still being herself. For now, she has turned off the drama with me but is going all out on my step-dads 3 kids. They were all adults when he and my Mom got married and she has never gotten along with them, she never made them feel welcome when they came to visit their dad and now they don't come around much because of it. I'm afraid they are in a "can't win" position, she won't be happy if they don't come to see him and she won't be happy if they do. I told her yesterday she needs to stop making this about herself and to let it go with his kids, that he needs them now and she needs to stay out of it.

I know the situation will just get worse as this goes on and I am already worried about keeping the peace once he is gone. I know his kids will expect certain things after he is gone and I also know she won't let that happen. I'm hoping to talk with his one DD when we go out next week to reassure her that we all do not feel the way my Mom does.

What a mess