Taylor Hicks Likes The Yankees, Utz Chips
Monday night some friends and I went to the Yankees game. The tickets were courtesy of CBS (home of CSI, and the most insane marketing campaign since this) through my industry friend, John. Needless to say, the seats were awesome about 10 rows up right on top of the Yankees dugout so close that the field actually looks smaller, and you can even imagine yourself hitting one 318 feet to left field. (If you are a woman, change that analogy to you can even imagine yourself having a chance with Derek Jeter.)
As we settled in our seats and got over the fact that we paid $8.00 for a beer (for the mathematically inclined, thats approximately a 1,039% mark-up over the national average price of a single beer in a six-pack) we noticed that there was a commotion going on to our left. We look over to see whats going on and it seems there is a crowd gathering around a very old man sitting five seats away. Finally the crowd disperses and its none other than Taylor Hicks! And hes there with Seth Green! (Ed. Note: It was not Seth Green, it was in fact Elliott Yamin, the third place finisher in American Idol. He was, however, the first place finisher in the Eating Dippin Dots Out Of A Mini Helmet Bowl race.)
For anyone out there who is wondering what Taylor Hicks looks like close up, here is the best description I can give: old. Im not kidding when I say that this man is lying about his age. (No, I dont feel bad making fun of him because 1. I watched him pay for his food and he peeled off a $100 bill and 2. in his profile on the American idol website is this:
Q: What's been your toughest obstacle in life?
A: Life itself.
The moment of the night, though, came in the top of the third inning. We had ordered food earlier in the game, and each of our orders came with a free bag of Utz potato chips. My friend Scott, who doesnt eat carbs, set his off to the side in case someone wanted them later. Suddenly, though, Scott picks up his potato chips, which had been tucked in neatly by his side, and reached across my friend Jeff to hand them to me, sitting at the end of the row, closest to Hicks. He says, nonchalantly, as though it were to be expected, Pass these down to Taylor. Tell him theyre from us.
I look him in the eye to judge if he is joking, and it turns out he is completely serious. I look to my left and there is a family of four between me and Hicks. I take a swig from my beer, gather myself and say to the gruff old man sitting next to me, Would you mind passing these down to Taylor Hicks? (Keep in mind that saying this at a baseball game, while having no absolute equivalent, is roughly the same as turning to a stranger and saying, Would you mind getting this dab of ketchup on the side of my mouth, I just keep missing it!)
The guy looks at me for a solid five seconds with a blank stare before taking the chips from my hand, stretching across his family to hand them to his youngest son sitting on the end of the aisle and shouting, as though directing him to put away his toys, Hand this to Taylor Hicks. Say its from these guys here. He then goes back to watching the game and he and I purposefully dont look each other in the eye for the rest of the night.
But his son dutifully gives the chips to Hicks, and while doing so points in our direction, and Hicks looks up to see me and my three friends giving him our best Heres looking at you pointy-finger-gun hand gestures. He nods his head in approval, tears open the bag and eats them right then and there. Mission Get Taylor Hicks to eat our Utz accomplished.