thanksgiving family conflict question

[castleview]

OP, are you the only one with kids? If not, how was it handled? I don't see the problem with missing T-day at their house one year, you do have infants after all. Will this be held against you is the question…which I don't think they should if they're not willing to accommodate.

 

[quandrea]

I can tell you care about your family and are probably just under a lot of stress having twin one-year olds. It seems like many people responding to this thread are analyzing your situation based on the past with their own families. Hope it all works out for you. You'll feel better if you just go and get past this.

I agree with you. I think I will feel better if it all works out. I think I'm just disappointed that my family isn't willing to meet me half way. It Makes me a bit sad. People have said that they are getting only one side of the story and that it completely true--I've tried to include all the information as honestly as I know how so that I can get some valuable feedback. Thanks so much to all.

 

[quandrea]

OP, are you the only one with kids? If not, how was it handled? I don't see the problem with missing T-day at their house one year, you do have infants after all. Will this be held against you is the question…which I don't think they should if they're not willing to accommodate.

I am the only one with children. If I don't go it will be held against me even though they say they will understand if I don't attend. They will think my husband and I don't "go with the flow."

 

[Nancyg56]

I do have to say though; and maybe this is the situation in your family- I put an awful lot of work into Tday dinner-my preparation could rival Martha Stewart! It's my favorite holiday; and I love all of us being together-w/out it being all about presents! But- I wouldn't change my time to eat either.

I'd offer to have a quiet area for your babies and even a pack n play or 2 in your case- I do have 2; lol But I honestly wouldn't go out of my way to change my plans around-esp if this is how it's been done for awhile.

And if it was my brother or sister who asked me; I would be a little miffed at their rudeness-seems kind of rude to me, after I have asked you into my home to share in a celebration.

I'd just be "good" guest and go w the flow or make other plans.

JMHO.

I usually host the Holidays at my home and I also put a fantastic amount of work into each one. I would absolutely try to accomodate my DD or my sister or my IL's if one asked to move the time a little so that two babies would be comfortable. My family is used to moving times and places in order to try to include everyone who wants to come to celebrate.

I am not faulting you but here is where we differ. My family are not guests and I do not want them to be "good". The holiday is not about time, place or food (okay it is all about the food) for us, it is about getting together as many of us as possible so we do try to accomodate those whose schedules (infants or the Meme's) are the ones who woul have to decline or be uncomfortable if our time remained in stone.

Sorry PolyLuvr.....
You can brag all you want about how you 'Rival Martha Stewart'.
That doesn't mean that I will choose to be there.

IMHO, you have just showed the other side of the coin that we are all talking about here..... a 'family holiday' should not be 'all about you'.

You would receive my 'regrets'.

It always sucks when folks think a family event is 'all about me....' like they own Thanksgiving or Christmas.

I ma not sure that she felt that way but I agree that in our family the host is the one who tries to make sure that as many people who can be there are there and no one feels left out in order to accomodate a set in stone time or place or a hostess who will not budge.

But then we do not really invite anyone, we all figure out where the meal is and make sure everyone knows.

Was I attacking the OP in any way? I don't think so.

I don't feel I "own" the holiday- but, if I'm hostessing the event as I have for years then I think I can set the time; in my home.
If someone decides not to come-well I just hope the have a wonderful holiday.

I am in no way rude about it.

and I feel like your post was attacking me-?

I agree that you are not rude but there was a sort of" my home, my Holiday" in your post. You have hosted for years adn perhaps it works for you but in my family changs are accomodated, and there is no way i would want anyone in my family to feel that I would rather adhere to teh past ewven if it means they should stay home.

 

[kirstenb1]

NancyG56, you sound like a very gracious hostess!!!

 

[Hannathy]

I am the only one with children. If I don't go it will be held against me even though they say they will understand if I don't attend. They will think my husband and I don't "go with the flow."

Well isn't it true? I will give them that you aren't going with the flow, you want to change everything to the way you want it and evidently are the only one who wants it that way. And as the other thread going on sounds a bit snowflaky.

I still don't get the big deal if the babies are off their schedule for 1 yes 1 day. I sincerely wish you a life with so little disturbances that you never have to alter a bedtime, it would mean you have a wonderful life with no upsets. I was never so lucky.

 

[luvmy3]

Well isn't it true? I will give them that you aren't going with the flow, you want to change everything to the way you want it and evidently are the only one who wants it that way. And as the other thread going on sounds a bit snowflaky.

I still don't get the big deal if the babies are off their schedule for 1 yes 1 day. I sincerely wish you a life with so little disturbances that you never have to alter a bedtime, it would mean you have a wonderful life with no upsets. I was never so lucky.

This seems a bit harsh, the OP has stated that they were discussing what to do for that Holiday. I don't know how it works in your family but when mine discuss plans for a holiday we do it to find out just what works for everybody, not just the majority. Thats the point of planning, isn't it? Its not like the invitations have been printed, sounds like they are still in the planning stages. And as years pass, and family grows larger its understandable to change things sometimes.

As far as the babies go, maybe you don't understand because they aren't your babies

 

[Hannathy]

As far as the babies go, maybe you don't understand because they aren't your babies

No but I had babies and I traveled with babies! In fact traveled great distances like 18 hrs for 1 set of family and 12 hrs for the other set and I never once asked the extended family to change for my children and they didn't have the luxury of being at there own homes till right before and returning right after. Many a time we went straight from the airport to a family gathering. My kids did fine, if they were off schedule who cares they were seeing their family there were a whole lot of days to stick to the schedule when family wasn't around. And seeing my DD is 18 that's a lot of Thanksgivings, Christmas's, Easter's, Wedding's etc to have done this with.

A couple years ago my MIL thanked me for being so gracious and easy going with the kids when we came to visit. That she knew it had to be hard at times but really appreciated it. That made up for all the missed bedtimes and odd eating times over almost 2 decades.


Actually the way I read it was the plans were made but the OP wanted to change them to suit her.

 

[Nancyg56]

This seems a bit harsh, the OP has stated that they were discussing what to do for that Holiday. I don't know how it works in your family but when mine discuss plans for a holiday we do it to find out just what works for everybody, not just the majority. Thats the point of planning, isn't it? Its not like the invitations have been printed, sounds like they are still in the planning stages. And as years pass, and family grows larger its understandable to change things sometimes.

As far as the babies go, maybe you don't understand because they aren't your babies

I totally agree. I thought that the post was a bit harsh as well. I cannot imagine that it is okay to totally disrupt two infants becasue the adults int eh family refuse to make any change to what clearly is a tradition. Traditions tend to change as families get larger and for us it is more important to try to include everyone and plan accordingly than it is to insist on adhering to what we used to do.

The OP clearly has tried to open her own home, has offered to have her folks do all the prep, has tried to change the time. Nothing has satisfied her family. They are willing to have her family stay away in order to keep things the way that they are.
If i was the OP I would do just that. Decline the invitation and make new traditions in my own home. If there were complaints later I would remind the family that I wanted to join them

As to not tossing two infants off their schedule, well I would not do that either. Not if I knew that it was going to be a disaster. I would never put them through it and I would not put myself or anyone else through it in order to attend any function.

When I was a young Mother I used to stay at home with the kids on Christmas day. I invited anyone who wanted to join us but i was not going to make my kids overstimulated and cranky so we stayed home. I took them to my brothers in the evening to play with their cousins while DS and DSIl did a little visiting. Noone got upset, not complained. Those who could join us did and those who could not did not. My children are the opposite of Snowflakes. They learned to be gracious to others and to accomodate their family.

 

[Polyluvr]

I have also traveled w babies; planes, 8 hour car rides-but I went. And I didn't ask anyone who was kind enough to invite me somewhere to change a thing.
Kids are adaptable; OP- I'll bet your babies surprise you at how well they will do-everyday is new to them-and everything can be an adventure.

Good luck w whatever you decide!

 

[pilotwife_02]

I totally agree. I thought that the post was a bit harsh as well. I cannot imagine that it is okay to totally disrupt two infants becasue the adults int eh family refuse to make any change to what clearly is a tradition. Traditions tend to change as families get larger and for us it is more important to try to include everyone and plan accordingly than it is to insist on adhering to what we used to do.

The OP clearly has tried to open her own home, has offered to have her folks do all the prep, has tried to change the time. Nothing has satisfied her family. They are willing to have her family stay away in order to keep things the way that they are.
If i was the OP I would do just that. Decline the invitation and make new traditions in my own home. If there were complaints later I would remind the family that I wanted to join them

As to not tossing two infants off their schedule, well I would not do that either. Not if I knew that it was going to be a disaster. I would never put them through it and I would not put myself or anyone else through it in order to attend any function.

When I was a young Mother I used to stay at home with the kids on Christmas day. I invited anyone who wanted to join us but i was not going to make my kids overstimulated and cranky so we stayed home. I took them to my brothers in the evening to play with their cousins while DS and DSIl did a little visiting. Noone got upset, not complained. Those who could join us did and those who could not did not. My children are the opposite of Snowflakes. They learned to be gracious to others and to accomodate their family.

I agree with all this!

Anyone who says "it's just one day, don't worry about getting them off schedule" obviously didn't have a child that NEEDED a schedule.

At the age of the OP's twins my kids needed to keep their schedule or the next day was pure misery. The later my kids went to bed after their scheduled bed time the EARLIER they would get up the next day. Plus my oldest DS had night terrors if he was overtired. I always thought I would never let my children dictate my schedule/social gatherings but when they only get 6-7 hours of sleep because we threw them off schedule and would be cranky and difficult the next day I knew I had to change the way I thought.

I don't see the OP as demanding anything, she tried and asked, tried to accommodate and was shot down. I wonder when more kids come into the pic if others will try to switch times and what they would say if OP said "nope, won't work". Seems like a lot of people are not willing to bend the rules until they are in that situation.

Now, in our family dinner times change a lot, depending on when family members can make it, on Christmas depending on when church services are held, etc. No one makes a big deal of it and we are just happy we can all be together.

However we live 450 miles away from family and have decided this year we don't want to travel (we travel every holiday and want to be home for once). We invited family here, but I doubt the would come (understandably), but we wanted to put it out there, so DH and I are trying to think of new traditions for our family.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Hi everyone. Just wanted some opinions. I am starting to plan thanksgiving (it's in Oct in Canada). Am the mother of a DD 6, and year old twins. Problem is timing of dinner with my side of the family. They do dinner every year in the evening. That is the worst possible time of day for my twins. They basically are miserable from six pm onwards and are in bed at 7:30pm. When I suggested that we have dinner at my place this year so I can put the babies to bed, my family shot it down. They want the fun of cooking and doing the table (I said they could do this at my house). I also suggested that we might do it earlier in the day. No go. They said that everyone would understand if we did not attend. My family always does everything in the evening even though they know it is hard on my kids. My guys are the only children in the family. What to do? I feel really mad, but maybe I'm the one with the problem. Let me know. Brutal honesty please.

Since they've already told you that they understand if you don't come I think you have your answer. I would not go. Make your own traditions.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Hi everyone. Just wanted some opinions. I am starting to plan thanksgiving (it's in Oct in Canada). Am the mother of a DD 6, and year old twins. Problem is timing of dinner with my side of the family. They do dinner every year in the evening. That is the worst possible time of day for my twins. They basically are miserable from six pm onwards and are in bed at 7:30pm. When I suggested that we have dinner at my place this year so I can put the babies to bed, my family shot it down. They want the fun of cooking and doing the table (I said they could do this at my house). I also suggested that we might do it earlier in the day. No go. They said that everyone would understand if we did not attend. My family always does everything in the evening even though they know it is hard on my kids. My guys are the only children in the family. What to do? I feel really mad, but maybe I'm the one with the problem. Let me know. Brutal honesty please.

Since they are the only kids in the family, I would stay home. Tell them next year things will be better for the twins. Right now you are skipping out.

If they are mad, big whoop. As Dr. Phil says they can get happy in the same pants they got mad in.

Now my kids were night owls, so no big deal there. But with my family we always accommodated the person with the babies. We just felt it was the right thing to do.

Now all the kids are older so no big deal.

However we also don't beat up family that chooses to go elsewhere for whatever reason. I am so glad my family are not jerks like that. Be there or we are going to be pissy....YUCK!

 

[mjkacmom]

I totally agree. I thought that the post was a bit harsh as well. I cannot imagine that it is okay to totally disrupt two infants becasue the adults int eh family refuse to make any change to what clearly is a tradition..

I agree, and especially with twins, you keep a schedule! How many others are there? Here is a family of 5 who has tried to suggest other options (and really, how hard is it to move dinner up a couple of hours - 6 pm seems really late for a holiday dinner - our Thanksgiving starts at 2, and we eat our main meal around 4:30, 5:00).

I could see if this was a bbq, but it's an annual holiday meal. In our family, although my mom is the technical host, everyone brings something. It just happens to be at her house. About a month before, she'll call family members, and try to work out a time that works for everyone. She lives and breathes for her grandchildren, and would never do anything to have them excluded.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I can understand your side of it OP; and wanted to send you some

I do have to say though; and maybe this is the situation in your family- I put an awful lot of work into Tday dinner-my preparation could rival Martha Stewart! It's my favorite holiday; and I love all of us being together-w/out it being all about presents! But- I wouldn't change my time to eat either.I'd offer to have a quiet area for your babies and even a pack n play or 2 in your case- I do have 2; lol But I honestly wouldn't go out of my way to change my plans around-esp if this is how it's been done for awhile.

And if it was my brother or sister who asked me; I would be a little miffed at their rudeness-seems kind of rude to me, after I have asked you into my home to share in a celebration.
I'd just be "good" guest and go w the flow or make other plans.

JMHO.

See here's the difference to me. If I am hosting the holiday I am simply the gathering place for everyone. I do cook the meal and I too cook better than Martha. However, the whole reason I am having the celebration is to be with my family. We all talk and decide what works for everyone. Sure, I'd like to have the dinners super early because it would work better for me but that doesn't always work for others. So I pick a time that everyone can make it. If my siblings could not make it because of the time I would adjust it so they could come. For me that is the point of the holiday. Heck I would even change the day if I needed to. It doesn't matter as long as we are together.

If you are just asking me over for dinner and I can't make the time I would just decline but for a holiday I think people need to be flexible. Families change and so do their needs. I was willing and able to do other things before I was married and had kids. Each year as more people are added to our family things change. There are inlaws, outlaws, children, jobs etc. That is a lot to take into consideration. I personally think that if my close family would not be able to adjust a little so I can be part of the holiday with them then they must not really want me there anyway. It's not like the OP wants the time to change for something unreasonable. She and her family would like to enjoy the holiday too. I don't think that is too much to ask. She has been more than accomodating. A 7:30 start time for dinner for young kids is imo unreasonable.

 

[Wishing on a star]

My mother, too... so appreciated the chance to see her grandbabies!!!
Just the thought of not making a slight adjustment to insure that everyone could make it, and is comfortable... THAT TELLS THE WHOLE STORY.... They obviously do not care about seeing your children AT ALL.

And the person who just posted that some of the others obviously NEVER had a baby who needed a schedule, is SO right. Been there, done that.... I didn't even need a watch or clock... I could TELL TIME by my son... Until you've been there.... don't cast stones.

And, OMG, just the thought of TWO babies not on a schedule.... 24/7 willy-nilly....

IMHO, anybody who is making negative judgments about the OP in this particular situation are just way off base.
And, IMHO anybody who would host a 'family' holiday in this way are 'hostzillas'.


OP, I am sorry that your family are being this way.
If I were invited to 'stay home' that is exactly what I would do.

I have posted earlier that I have definitely been-there-done-that.
I've learned to two things....

1. Don't go out of your way to please those who do not show caring and respect, and are controlling and who will make negative judgements.

2. Always, ALWAYS, put your child(ren) first. You are their mother.... You know them best...

 

[Nancyg56]

"hostzillas"

 

[C.Ann]

I'll try not to be too brutal but I do think you're wrong to try to reschedule the entire family to meet your childrens' bedtime.

They've said they understand if you don't attend. That seems fine to me--just have a Thanksgiving with your immediate family until your kids are older and can stay up without fussing. I don't see it as anything to get mad about.

It's one day. Take the kids, enjoy your family, and leave when the kids get grumpy, whether you've eaten or not. I'm not sure if the focus of Thanksgiving in Canada in eating, because that's pretty much what it is in the U.S., well that and giving thanks. You can't expect your family to change tradition because some one-year olds might get fussy.

I would bring a port a crib for the twins, put them down at their normal time or as close to it as possible and enjoy your evening. If your kids are the only kids in the family they are going to get a lot of attention and often the commotion at these things keeps them entertained. You are going to miss a lot of family things if you won't be adaptable with your kids' schedule. In my experience at family gatherings, the kids get so tired that bedtime is rarely an issue.

I think any one of the above should work for you.. You pick..

And whatever you pick, have a great time!

 

[auntie]

They practically told you not to come, so don`t. You have your own kids, they are your family now so plan everything in your life around them...I do and I love it, no stress, no problems, my time-my decisions...

I agree. Maybe it's time to start making your own family traditions. You have a lovely family...and it seems to me it would be less stressful and a more enjoyable day to plan a lovely holiday for yourselves. We spent a number of years running from one place to another, trying to make everyone happy. Shuffling tired grumpy kids is no fun..for anyone.
I remember the very first time we stayed home for Thanksgiving, it was actually because my daughter (then 5) was sick. WE LOVED IT..and it's been our tradition ever since. (by the way..she's 24 now!) Over the years other relatives have joined us. Usually my sister and her family join us. That being said we did have a number of years when it was just "us" 5. My son who is now 29 told me one time, that what he loved and remembers most of all about Thanksgiving is waking up to the delicious aroma of the turkey cooking in the oven Thanksgiving morning. His dad and I get up early and get that sucker in, and start in on the trimmings. We have the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade on..and it's just a relaxing enjoyable day. Make your own memories..you'll be glad you did.

 

[Magic Mom]

I'll try not to be too brutal but I do think you're wrong to try to reschedule the entire family to meet your childrens' bedtime.

They've said they understand if you don't attend. That seems fine to me--just have a Thanksgiving with your immediate family until your kids are older and can stay up without fussing. I don't see it as anything to get mad about.

I agree. And since you can't change the dinner plans, see if you can alter you kids schedule to make it easier for them. Keep them up later the night before, wake them up early that day and then put the down for a long long nap before you go for dinner. Or you could skip the nap so they fall asleep earlier than dinner.

Both of my kids were on a pretty strict sleep schedule, but I could always manage to be flexible enough to accommodate family get togethers.