Strange family question Update 7/31/16

[tarheelmjfan]

Its not always that easy. I have a family member who is now divorced. Her ex-dh was part of the family for 30 years, he grew up with the siblings. Its not that easy to just cut off a relationship like that because their marriage didn't work out. My family member was very upset with those who didn't break off the relationship at first but after time she realized how unfair it was to expect that from others just because her relationship with him didn't work out.
That is the kind of family I have, and wouldn't have it any other way.

Obviously, it depends on the family. We had a similar situation to that in our family. He divorced our sister & we ended our relationship with him, even though he was around for as long as we younger girls could remember. It may not be easy, but for us it is that simple. Like you, I'm thankful for my family. I'm very thankful to know without a doubt that they will stand behind me over anyone no questions asked, as I would do for them.

 

[Hikergirl]

Obviously, it depends on the family.

Yes, but your assumption of "with families like these who needs enemies" is wrong.

 

[gotomu212]

Obviously, it depends on the family. We had a similar situation to that in our family. He divorced our sister & we ended our relationship with him, even though he was around for as long as we younger girls could remember. It may not be easy, but for us it is that simple. Like you, I'm thankful for my family. I'm very thankful to know without a doubt that they will stand behind me over anyone no questions asked, as I would do for them.

I think children also change this. The healthiest thing for my nieces is that they see their aunts, uncles, and grandparents treating their father with respect and love. We still see my sister's ex frequently at sporting events, plays, and just dropping the girls off to family functions. I can't imagine that giving him the cold shoulder and cutting him out would make the young kids feel secure. It doesn't mean we don't stand behind my sister and support her; it means we can be mature and realize a scorched earth approach doesn't benefit anyone.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think children also change this. The healthiest thing for my nieces is that they see their aunts, uncles, and grandparents treating their father with respect and love. We still see my sister's ex frequently at sporting events, plays, and just dropping the girls off to family functions. I can't imagine that giving him the cold shoulder and cutting him out would make the young kids feel secure. It doesn't mean we don't stand behind my sister and support her; it means we can be mature and realize a scorched earth approach doesn't benefit anyone.

I totally agree. My family stood by and supported my cousin (who was about 10 when his parents had a messy divorvce) by keeping ties open and never making him feel like he had to choose between one side or another.

He's grown up and has kids of his own now and has actually written my aunt a letter and thanked her for making sure his dad and older siblings were always welcome at holidays at her house so he felt he could be with his family.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

I am an only child, but if one of my cousins friended my ex, I would not appreciate it at all.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Yes, but your assumption of "with families like these who needs enemies" is wrong.

I said that was what I was thinking. I still think that. Nothing I've read alters my opinion in the least. You think what I wrote is wrong. I don't agree. That doesn't upset me. You can have your opinion & I'll have mine. As long as you're not one of my siblings, how you treat your siblings' exes doesn't matter to me in the least.

My main reason for posting was some people were insinuating the OP feeling like she does is some type of character flaw that she needs to work on. IMHO, her feelings are justified.

We obviously don't all agree on what constitutes a character flaw & who has them. That's not exactly news. You don't have to read here long to figure that out.

 

[sasywtch]

Bad, bad update today. I think it was the one that broke the camel's back. First of all, I will disagree with everyone has to get along with everyone after a divorce. (sort of). I do agree when kids are involved, everyone needs to be civil but I don't agree that if a divorce was due to adultery, lies, cheating on child support, going from DL dad to not seeing them for 4 years, that your sister should befriend them on facebook (he didn't, she voluntarily did). We are all civil at functions but seeing his name come up on Facebook and friending him, honestly tells me about her thinking. If her husband had done that, I would be civil and say hello at functions but if I saw his name come up on my facebook as someone I might know, I wouldn't friend him. We may disagree on that, but that's ok. If two people divorced nicely, it would probably be a different story for me.

So anyway, today.........My oldest son and DIL/grandkids were having a bbq for my kids dad and my dil dad. My other 3 kids were invited. All is good. I was sort of hoping I was invited because I had nothing to do but it was dad's day so, everything is ok. I stayed home by myself while they were bbq'ing and swimming at my son's. My oldest daughter who is living with me temporarily comes home early not in a good mood. She wouldn't tell me. I text my other daughter to find out why daughter 1 is not happy and she tells me that my sister is there and my daughter thought it weird. So here's my sister at MY family function with my kids and grandkids while I'm home by myself. They had to have told her what they were doing, otherwise she wouldn't have just driven over there as in the past they've gone to my ex's house (he moved out of state lately so hence why it was at my sons). Or she called to see what they were doing.

Right or wrong, I lost it. My son threatened me, told me I was no longer welcome at his house and can't see my grandkids. This shall pass when they need a babysitter. I'm angry if they invited her or told her about it and I'm angry if she invited herself into a family function that she knew I wouldn't be involved in. She has a son with a new baby and a husband. Why aren't they spending the whole day with him? I hope she had a great time with my family today while I was home by myself not invited. Oh wait, I was invited 3 hours AFTER they ate after I said something. Silly me. I don't think I should have been invited and I don't think my sister should have been there. I will add a disclaimer that my ex and his new gf are ok. We just were all together at my granddaughter's birthday party so no odd weird thing going there. I find it weird that my sister is hobnobbing with my ex and his new gf and my kids/grandkids while I'm home by myself. Right or wrong, these are my feelings. I am beyond hurt and have hatred for my sister.

 

[usnuzuloose]

I have been through a horrible situation. But healing is a choice. If you hang onto the anger the longer the other person has a hold on you. I had to forgive and move on. And this person no longer holds me hostage. IMHO I would let it go. You can't do anything about who friends who on Facebook or not.

 

[Allons-y!]

I'm thinking that, based on your posts, that there is a whole other side of this story that we're not hearing.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Bad, bad update today. I think it was the one that broke the camel's back. First of all, I will disagree with everyone has to get along with everyone after a divorce. (sort of). I do agree when kids are involved, everyone needs to be civil but I don't agree that if a divorce was due to adultery, lies, cheating on child support, going from DL dad to not seeing them for 4 years, that your sister should befriend them on facebook (he didn't, she voluntarily did). We are all civil at functions but seeing his name come up on Facebook and friending him, honestly tells me about her thinking. If her husband had done that, I would be civil and say hello at functions but if I saw his name come up on my facebook as someone I might know, I wouldn't friend him. We may disagree on that, but that's ok. If two people divorced nicely, it would probably be a different story for me.

So anyway, today.........My oldest son and DIL/grandkids were having a bbq for my kids dad and my dil dad. My other 3 kids were invited. All is good. I was sort of hoping I was invited because I had nothing to do but it was dad's day so, everything is ok. I stayed home by myself while they were bbq'ing and swimming at my son's. My oldest daughter who is living with me temporarily comes home early not in a good mood. She wouldn't tell me. I text my other daughter to find out why daughter 1 is not happy and she tells me that my sister is there and my daughter thought it weird. So here's my sister at MY family function with my kids and grandkids while I'm home by myself. They had to have told her what they were doing, otherwise she wouldn't have just driven over there as in the past they've gone to my ex's house (he moved out of state lately so hence why it was at my sons). Or she called to see what they were doing.

Right or wrong, I lost it. My son threatened me, told me I was no longer welcome at his house and can't see my grandkids. This shall pass when they need a babysitter. I'm angry if they invited her or told her about it and I'm angry if she invited herself into a family function that she knew I wouldn't be involved in. She has a son with a new baby and a husband. Why aren't they spending the whole day with him? I hope she had a great time with my family today while I was home by myself not invited. Oh wait, I was invited 3 hours AFTER they ate after I said something. Silly me. I don't think I should have been invited and I don't think my sister should have been there. I will add a disclaimer that my ex and his new gf are ok. We just were all together at my granddaughter's birthday party so no odd weird thing going there. I find it weird that my sister is hobnobbing with my ex and his new gf and my kids/grandkids while I'm home by myself. Right or wrong, these are my feelings. I am beyond hurt and have hatred for my sister.

I don't think it is right to put your children, even adult children, in the position of feeling like they have to "choose sides" or like they are doing something wrong or hurtful to you by including members of their own family (like their aunt) in celebrations. It is very possible you were not invited because your son has learned you will make a scene and he was trying to avoid that.
I have to say that after this post I agree with the PP that there is probably a very different take to this story from the other side.

 

[Tozzie]

Bad, bad update today. I think it was the one that broke the camel's back. First of all, I will disagree with everyone has to get along with everyone after a divorce. (sort of). I do agree when kids are involved, everyone needs to be civil but I don't agree that if a divorce was due to adultery, lies, cheating on child support, going from DL dad to not seeing them for 4 years, that your sister should befriend them on facebook (he didn't, she voluntarily did). We are all civil at functions but seeing his name come up on Facebook and friending him, honestly tells me about her thinking. If her husband had done that, I would be civil and say hello at functions but if I saw his name come up on my facebook as someone I might know, I wouldn't friend him. We may disagree on that, but that's ok. If two people divorced nicely, it would probably be a different story for me.

So anyway, today.........My oldest son and DIL/grandkids were having a bbq for my kids dad and my dil dad. My other 3 kids were invited. All is good. I was sort of hoping I was invited because I had nothing to do but it was dad's day so, everything is ok. I stayed home by myself while they were bbq'ing and swimming at my son's. My oldest daughter who is living with me temporarily comes home early not in a good mood. She wouldn't tell me. I text my other daughter to find out why daughter 1 is not happy and she tells me that my sister is there and my daughter thought it weird. So here's my sister at MY family function with my kids and grandkids while I'm home by myself. They had to have told her what they were doing, otherwise she wouldn't have just driven over there as in the past they've gone to my ex's house (he moved out of state lately so hence why it was at my sons). Or she called to see what they were doing.

Right or wrong, I lost it. My son threatened me, told me I was no longer welcome at his house and can't see my grandkids. This shall pass when they need a babysitter. I'm angry if they invited her or told her about it and I'm angry if she invited herself into a family function that she knew I wouldn't be involved in. She has a son with a new baby and a husband. Why aren't they spending the whole day with him? I hope she had a great time with my family today while I was home by myself not invited. Oh wait, I was invited 3 hours AFTER they ate after I said something. Silly me. I don't think I should have been invited and I don't think my sister should have been there. I will add a disclaimer that my ex and his new gf are ok. We just were all together at my granddaughter's birthday party so no odd weird thing going there. I find it weird that my sister is hobnobbing with my ex and his new gf and my kids/grandkids while I'm home by myself. Right or wrong, these are my feelings. I am beyond hurt and have hatred for my sister.

Stop, just stop I would not welcome you in my house if you were my mother or not. You are trying to control other people's lives and it is not going well. Don't hate your sister, you are in the wrong, you are too involved in what others are doing get a grip you are the issue in this whole thing not you kids and not your sister.

 

[Disney Doll]

OP as long as you give these people power over you, you are going to be hurt and continue to wallow in this anger and self pity.

It sounds like you and your ex have been divorced awhile.

It sounds like you and your sister have an acrimonious relationship.

You've received good advice here. Your problem isn't your ex. Your problem is your relationship with your sister and how you're allowing it to cause rifts between you and other members of your family. You're playing right into her hands. If her goal is to hurt you, upset you, distress you, cause dissension between you & other family members, then she's doing a good job and you're allowing it.

 

[teller80]

Right or wrong, I lost it. My son threatened me, told me I was no longer welcome at his house and can't see my grandkids. This shall pass when they need a babysitter. I'm angry if they invited her or told her about it and I'm angry if she invited herself into a family function that she knew I wouldn't be involved in. She has a son with a new baby and a husband. Why aren't they spending the whole day with him? I hope she had a great time with my family today while I was home by myself not invited. Oh wait, I was invited 3 hours AFTER they ate after I said something. Silly me. I don't think I should have been invited and I don't think my sister should have been there. I will add a disclaimer that my ex and his new gf are ok. We just were all together at my granddaughter's birthday party so no odd weird thing going there. I find it weird that my sister is hobnobbing with my ex and his new gf and my kids/grandkids while I'm home by myself. Right or wrong, these are my feelings. I am beyond hurt and have hatred for my sister.

Don't be too sure about this.

 

[Poohforyou]

How do you know it wasn't as simple as one of your kids bumping into your sister, her asking what they were doing for father's day and then her crashing the party?

If that did happen what we're they supposed to do, throw her out? I'm sure you raise your children with better manners than.

IMO, you're driving the wedge between your kids and you. I'm not in any way condoning your sister but if you want a relationship with your kids you need to rise above. She's trying to get yo you and you're letting her at the expense for your kids.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Bad, bad update today. I think it was the one that broke the camel's back. First of all, I will disagree with everyone has to get along with everyone after a divorce. (sort of). I do agree when kids are involved, everyone needs to be civil but I don't agree that if a divorce was due to adultery, lies, cheating on child support, going from DL dad to not seeing them for 4 years, that your sister should befriend them on facebook (he didn't, she voluntarily did). We are all civil at functions but seeing his name come up on Facebook and friending him, honestly tells me about her thinking. If her husband had done that, I would be civil and say hello at functions but if I saw his name come up on my facebook as someone I might know, I wouldn't friend him. We may disagree on that, but that's ok. If two people divorced nicely, it would probably be a different story for me.

So anyway, today.........My oldest son and DIL/grandkids were having a bbq for my kids dad and my dil dad. My other 3 kids were invited. All is good. I was sort of hoping I was invited because I had nothing to do but it was dad's day so, everything is ok. I stayed home by myself while they were bbq'ing and swimming at my son's. My oldest daughter who is living with me temporarily comes home early not in a good mood. She wouldn't tell me. I text my other daughter to find out why daughter 1 is not happy and she tells me that my sister is there and my daughter thought it weird. So here's my sister at MY family function with my kids and grandkids while I'm home by myself. They had to have told her what they were doing, otherwise she wouldn't have just driven over there as in the past they've gone to my ex's house (he moved out of state lately so hence why it was at my sons). Or she called to see what they were doing.

Right or wrong, I lost it. My son threatened me, told me I was no longer welcome at his house and can't see my grandkids. This shall pass when they need a babysitter. I'm angry if they invited her or told her about it and I'm angry if she invited herself into a family function that she knew I wouldn't be involved in. She has a son with a new baby and a husband. Why aren't they spending the whole day with him? I hope she had a great time with my family today while I was home by myself not invited. Oh wait, I was invited 3 hours AFTER they ate after I said something. Silly me. I don't think I should have been invited and I don't think my sister should have been there. I will add a disclaimer that my ex and his new gf are ok. We just were all together at my granddaughter's birthday party so no odd weird thing going there. I find it weird that my sister is hobnobbing with my ex and his new gf and my kids/grandkids while I'm home by myself. Right or wrong, these are my feelings. I am beyond hurt and have hatred for my sister.

Obviously there are some VERY deep rifts that need to be fixed here. You sound like you are in a lot of emotional pain.

The best case scenario is that you work on this aspect of your life so you can live in peace.

 

[Allison]

This isn't healthy. It appears you are driving people away and hurting your relationships with people because of your perceived mistreatment by others. This isn't about them-it is about you.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

I can understand why you are upset, angry, and your feelings are hurt!

Please don't hate your own sister.

 

[sk!mom]

[QUOTE="sasywtch, post: 55963874, member: 194962"
Right or wrong, I lost it. My son threatened me, told me I was no longer welcome at his house and can't see my grandkids. This shall pass when they need a babysitter. I'm angry if they invited her or told her about it and I'm angry if she invited herself into a family function that she knew I wouldn't be involved in. She has a son with a new baby and a husband. Why aren't they spending the whole day with him? I hope she had a great time with my family today while I was home by myself not invited. Oh wait, I was invited 3 hours AFTER they ate after I said something. Silly me. I don't think I should have been invited and I don't think my sister should have been there. I will add a disclaimer that my ex and his new gf are ok. We just were all together at my granddaughter's birthday party so no odd weird thing going there. I find it weird that my sister is hobnobbing with my ex and his new gf and my kids/grandkids while I'm home by myself. Right or wrong, these are my feelings. I am beyond hurt and have hatred for my sister.[/QUOTE]


I was torn about this situation until now.

Honestly it seems that you may be the one adding to the drama and rifts. In my world, adults behaving rationally don't "lose it" on others. I haven't read the whole thread, but if your children are all adults, I don't understand inserting yourself into the situation. Your adult DD was upset, there was no reason for you to start calling around to find out why. Your son may be tired of you stirring the pot.

However, if your son truly threatened you then there are plenty of hot heads in this family. You can only control yourself though. Get some counseling and try to move on with your life in positive ways. Hatred toward others, even if they seriously wronged you, poisons you.

 

[Aliceacc]

I think maybe you need to take some deep breaths.

You hate your sister because she accepted an invitation? You "lost it'-- not sure exactly what that means-- because they had a BBQ and didn't invite you until you asked to be invited? That's all it took-- they didn't invite you to a Father's Day party? And you escalated it to the point where your son threatened that you can no longer see your grandkids?

What a horrible Fathers Day for your son.

And I don't buy "right or wrong, these are my feelings." Sorry, but sometimes feelings are wrong. I think this is one of those times. It sounds like what started as a small pity party has escalated to the point where you're now a loose cannon.

Sometimes, when it seems like everyone is against you, it's because you're the one at fault, the one seeing insults where none were intended.

I honestly think you would benefit from seeing a trained counselor who can help you work out these issues, as opposed to seeking validation from strangers on a message board.
In the meantime, I think you owe your son an apology.

The best of luck to you.

 

[fly girl]

Step back ... did you really in your heart want to be there? My guess is no. Why would you want to be at a bbq celebrating Father's Day with your ex after your history?

I'd rather be alone. And I think deep down you would too. The pity party of one doesn't apply here. Mother's Day yes, but not Father's Day.

And going off on your children -- don't force them to take sides. Being stuck in the middle is horrible enough for anyone. You're pushing them away -- STOP! Realize they are doing the best they can to keep peace, they don't want the drama, hence the son telling you to no longer visit.

Your sister plays you like a fiddle, and you fell for it again. Quit letting her get to you. Live YOUR life, stop focusing on what she does. Her actions shouldn't have that large of an impact on your emotions. It's unhealthy and detrimental to the relationship you have with your kids.