Strange family question Update 7/31/16

[mummabear]

^^This. It would hurt but it wouldn't surprise me, given how you describe the relationship between you and her.

My DH's sister was his ex's MoH when she married the man she left DH for. Many years before I came on the scene, but the story still makes me .

Wow I had to read that a couple of times to get it straight, that is weird!

I appreciate all the replies and read them all. I am not and will not say anything to her as I am a "fixer" person, don't enjoy conflict within family dynamics. After I typed that all, I about it and thinking my problem is that my sister is friending someone who hurt me both mentally and cheating on the support and by her friending him, it's as if she doesn't have my back. I know that is probably stupid thinking but I think it's honest thinking. (if that makes any sense). I'm going to therapy for my PTSD and learning honest thinking Sometimes it's difficult to admit what you're really thinking deep down.

Yes that the crux of it. I wouldn't do this to a good friend or family member and wouldn't be happy if they did it to me.

when you break up with a spouse or lover its proper edict for everyone in your family to cease and desist contact with said party

Pretty much

 

[sasywtch]

So your sister is close and has a relationship with your son, who also has a relationship with his dad. Your Sister also is related to your Ex thru your other sister being part of your exes extended family, and your ex presumably also has a relationship with his brother (who was married to your other sister). Am I on track so far?

Here's the thing: as crappy as your ex has behaved for years (and there's no debating that), he's still part of your sisters extended family (and yours, unfortunately for you). Just because you have no desire to interact with him and you think he's a jerk (again, I"m not arguing that fact with you), doesn't mean that everyone else in your family has to banish him, especially if they end up interacting with him at your kids events and functions. Just because your sister is friends with him on Facebook doesn't mean they are best friends.

Now I will say that yes,I probably would be hurt by it, but I think you need to not take it so personally. Just because you hate him (wih plenty of justification, it seems) doesn't mean that everyone else in your family has to hate him, too. She might just be being polite/friendly with him for your kids sakes.

I think you should do your best to let it roll off your back and let it go.

I just wanted to clarify, not debating as I'm taking in what you all said. He really isn't part of her extended family. My oldest sister passed about 8 years ago and she doesn't have much to do with my BIL (my ex's brother). She doesn't do things to be polite, she friended him. She is one that has 600 friends on facebook. Gosh, sitting here thinking what I wanted to say to you, I think I hit what bothers me. I think maybe since I have had to keep things good for my kids, I'd at least like my family to say he was a jerk to you. I can say without a shadow of doubt that if the three of us were in a room together, she would be extremely nice to him and blow me off. Maybe I'm coming at it with my point of view that if someone had done that to my two sisters or brother, I could not be friendly. (wouldn't be rude but wouldn't go out of m way) Interesting. I'll have to think about it. I just think there is a difference in being cordial and hunting him out because I know he did not put in a request to friend her. I want to thank everyone. Every person's response made me think. As I'm reading the responses, it just made me think of other things and perhaps when I go see the PTSD specialist, I may discuss those other issues. I said that in my original post that I tried to get everything out so I didn't come back to justify. I realized after reading some of the responses that maybe this is just one more thing that is tipping that iceburg. I'm trying to have a calmer more peaceful life and doing a lot of thinking to fix that. There definitely is issues between the two of us that I will have to figure out.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I have no idea if I would be hurt in such a situation or not--but I don't find it surprising that other family members still want to have some contact with a person they knew for decades, and who is still in the lives of the kids involved, etc.

I think there is a HUGE amount of past drama between you and your sister and that colors your view.

It is absolutely possible she is doing this just to hurt you in some way. It is also possible she just likes to keep up with him a little bit, or likes having a gazillion friends on facebook (you say she has 600, so how significant can this really be?), or maybe she hopes he will post photos of his grandkids and wants to see more pictures of her grandnieces and grandnephews, etc). There are so many possible reasons--and at the end of the day none of them actually affect you unless you let them---just move on (and if you blocked your ex on facebook you would not even know about this--so block him if it is important to you that people severe ties with your ex, maybe someone will follow your lead and if not, well, you'll never know to be bothered).

 

[Skywalker]

Hope this doesn't sound too harsh but when I am starting to take things too personally I always remember "it's not always all about you". Your sister and your ex are their own separate people beyond being "your sister" and "your ex", and you might not always be top of mind in THEIR lives. They gotta do what works for them. It would be great if they were kind and considerate people who had your back but it appears that neither have been like that for many years at least - so concern yourself with the positive people in your life and not worry about what these guys are doing. Besides, to worry too much about who is friends with who on Facebook is kind of controlling behaviour - if I were you I wouldn't give it another thought. They should be inconsequential to you, really. Don't give them power over you.

 

[MickeySP]

I appreciate all the replies and read them all. I am not and will not say anything to her as I am a "fixer" person, don't enjoy conflict within family dynamics. After I typed that all, I thought about it and thinking my problem is that my sister is friending someone who hurt me both mentally and cheating on the support and by her friending him, it's as if she doesn't have my back. I know that is probably stupid thinking but I think it's honest thinking. (if that makes any sense). I'm going to therapy for my PTSD and learning honest thinking Sometimes it's difficult to admit what you're really thinking deep down.

First it is quite obvious this sister does not have your back.

Ans second & most importantly it is Facebook. Only 13yo girls should have drama over FB.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I appreciate all the replies and read them all. I am not and will not say anything to her as I am a "fixer" person, don't enjoy conflict within family dynamics. After I typed that all, I thought about it and thinking my problem is that my sister is friending someone who hurt me both mentally and cheating on the support and by her friending him, it's as if she doesn't have my back. I know that is probably stupid thinking but I think it's honest thinking. (if that makes any sense). I'm going to therapy for my PTSD and learning honest thinking Sometimes it's difficult to admit what you're really thinking deep down.

Honest thinking is that your sister is a personality type that you do not mesh with. It will never change. You have to accept that.

Instead, be surprised when she actually does something of honor and integrity. Work that CBT, you can do it.

As far as "the ex", if you can find a way to purge yourself of this negativity in therapy that would be a great thing. I know it is not easy to do therapy and work it. Good for you for going.

PTSD comes with a lot of rumination which is difficult to treat. Medical marijuana has been proven to effectively treat PTSD. I am just throwing that out there in case you did not know. I know it is not FDA approved yet, but it will eventually is my hope.

 

[Kellykins1218]

My brother and his ex were married for 25 years. They had an awful split with cheating/fighting/ nastiness. She was my sister for more than half my life. They aren't together (barely speak) but she will always be my sister no matter what their relationship is. I didn't divorce her.

 

[Disney Doll]

A few of my observations:

You and your sister do not sound like you ever had a relationship where she had your back, so don't expect it to start now.

Based on the above, your life will be a lot easier if you don't expect her to do what you think would be the right thing. She's not going to.

She also sounds like she enjoys getting under your skin. If you let her see that she's doing so, you're feeding into her enjoyment. So don't let her see that she's getting to you.

I don't know what kind of personality you have, but if I was in a public place and my sister ignored me, I'd publicly embarrass her. Maybe something like "Hey Sis, I said hello. Are you getting old and losing your hearing? Do you need a hearing aide?". But I've been known to be "witchy" that way.

What your ex did in the past is over and done. What your ex does now shouldn't matter to you. You need to stop giving him, and for that matter your nasty sister, power over you by perseverating on this.

Take back your power.

 

[VandVsmama]

I think that:
1. your sister is rude
2. she is not a nice person
3. you can't be close friends with over 600 people
4. maybe she just friended him like she 'friends' every person she is acquaintances with
5. regardless of #1-#4, the ex's prior behavior has shown him to be a deceitful & dishonest person
6. birds of a feather flock together
7. your sister has NEVER had your back & never will
8. your sister flat out ignoring you when you're both in the same room is really rude, but then again, she is a really rude person
9. if she wasn't your sister, you probably wouldn't ever be friends with someone like that.
10. you should take your sister off of your FB newsfeed so that anything she posts won't show up on your FB wall.
11. if she wants to act all buddy buddy with your ex, have at it!

 

[scrapquitler]

I just wanted to clarify, not debating as I'm taking in what you all said. He really isn't part of her extended family. My oldest sister passed about 8 years ago and she doesn't have much to do with my BIL (my ex's brother). She doesn't do things to be polite, she friended him. She is one that has 600 friends on facebook. Gosh, sitting here thinking what I wanted to say to you, I think I hit what bothers me. I think maybe since I have had to keep things good for my kids, I'd at least like my family to say he was a jerk to you. I can say without a shadow of doubt that if the three of us were in a room together, she would be extremely nice to him and blow me off. Maybe I'm coming at it with my point of view that if someone had done that to my two sisters or brother, I could not be friendly. (wouldn't be rude but wouldn't go out of m way) Interesting. I'll have to think about it. I just think there is a difference in being cordial and hunting him out because I know he did not put in a request to friend her. I want to thank everyone. Every person's response made me think. As I'm reading the responses, it just made me think of other things and perhaps when I go see the PTSD specialist, I may discuss those other issues. I said that in my original post that I tried to get everything out so I didn't come back to justify. I realized after reading some of the responses that maybe this is just one more thing that is tipping that iceburg. I'm trying to have a calmer more peaceful life and doing a lot of thinking to fix that. There definitely is issues between the two of us that I will have to figure out.

I think it's good that you are considering this from other perspectives, and its probably smart that you are in counseling and are going to talk to the counselor about these things.

 

[Wishing on a star]

It appears that there are some really huge/deep issues with your sister, and in the relationship between the two of you.
Something tells me that this goes way way back.
I will agree with, and offer the same advice as some other posters here.

First, this is who she is, and this is not going to change. You have to accept that reality and come to terms with it and learn how to deal with it.
She is simply not going to become the caring sister who has your back.
Just not gonna happen.

Second, I think the post below is very much spot-on.

I think that:
1. your sister is rude
2. she is not a nice person
3. you can't be close friends with over 600 people
4. maybe she just friended him like she 'friends' every person she is acquaintances with
5. regardless of #1-#4, the ex's prior behavior has shown him to be a deceitful & dishonest person
6. birds of a feather flock together
7. your sister has NEVER had your back & never will
8. your sister flat out ignoring you when you're both in the same room is really rude, but then again, she is a really rude person
9. if she wasn't your sister, you probably wouldn't ever be friends with someone like that.
10. you should take your sister off of your FB newsfeed so that anything she posts won't show up on your FB wall.
11. if she wants to act all buddy buddy with your ex, have at it!

 

[mi*vida*loca]

My brother and his ex were married for 25 years. They had an awful split with cheating/fighting/ nastiness. She was my sister for more than half my life. They aren't together (barely speak) but she will always be my sister no matter what their relationship is. I didn't divorce her.

This.

I was with my XH for 11 years. Yea he was a POS but he was family. He is still the father of my kids. He is FB friends with lots of people in my family. My uncle is still his mechanic. My grandma invites him over for Xmas eve dinner (he goes after I leave). My dad will still have a beer with him. They know he was a POS and still is but you can't erase 18 years (7 years divorced).

It does not offend me.

 

[sasywtch]

First it is quite obvious this sister does not have your back.

Ans second & most importantly it is Facebook. Only 13yo girls should have drama over FB.

I had to laugh about the 13 y.o. LOL True. Actually, up until lately I didn't go on there but maybe once a week to see what was going on.
I want to thank everyone. We all went to my aunt's funeral today. She was 93 so had a good life. The scary thing is, out of my dad's family of 10, only 1 sister is now left. The end of a generation almost. After my aunt's, a lot of the cousins went out to our grandma/grandpa's grave site. We were talking memories of them. Grandpa died at 95 in 1965. (10 of them, lots of cousins and we always went to grandpa's on Sundays where the women made dinner, men played poker and us kids were biting each other under the table LOL==well, we did play outside too but I distinctly remember getting bit once). Anyway, one of the cousins said "the amazing thing is, we are all still together with no drama". And it is true. We have a family picnic every 4th of July and we see quite a few at little league and other things.

My sister and I sat at the same table, even spoke but as someone else said if we weren't sisters, we wouldn't be friends. Honestly, it's a feeling that she points her nose down at me. Right now she has some serious issues with her newborn granddaughter that's in the hospital and I tried to ask her questions about it.

Everything everyone said really caused some thinking and a change of heart in me, so thank you. It may have some deep rooted issues that I don't remember. I know when I was young, my mom use to have my sister ask my dad for things because my dad wouldn't say no to my sister. It was joking but now I'm wondering if it wasn't hurtful to me and my mom back then? Don't remember but she brings it up every once in awhile that dad would do anything she wanted. Who knows??? I don't. That's the wonder of life. Thank you all.

 

[Disney Doll]

Sometimes the way people behave has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

 

[Shanti]

This is a "how would you feel" type question. All comments whether good or bad are welcome because I'm trying to get at the root of my feelings.

So here's my question: would it irritate you if your sister friended your ex husband and his new gf on Facebook? I just couldn't see myself friending any of my relative's ex's knowing the circumstances.



I was married/dated my now ex for 18 years. We had 4 children. When my youngest was 1, my ex didn't come home all night and then when he did (at 6am to get dressed for work) he acted nonchalant. He told me had was having an affair with a 21 year old. Found out a little later she was pregnant. We divorced. He was in management with a major company (based out of Atlanta). I have no idea what happened but he was asked to go after the divorce. When we were married, the franchise owners loved him. He got a new job right away with a private person so I couldn't verify his income. He paid very little child support for 5 years. I finally subpeoned the DA for his income without his knowledge. We went back to court and he told the judge his low income again and this man from the back said "your honor, the DA's office was subpeoned and he is making 3x (gave exact figure). My ex just glared at me. My child support went up $500 a month. I just started crying because I couldn't believe this person would do this. Since it was now garnished through the DA, he had no choice. His employer now had to send his income to the DA.

Fast forward 5 years and I still have the last child at home at 14. Ex gets into a wreck and is now on disability. Child support stops. I can live with that, not well but could understand it. He gets better and instead of getting job, he starts working construction under the table. He pretty much got out of paying the last 2 years of child support.

All this time, my sister has been semi friendly with him. She would even go up and talk to his new wife. I have to keep all of this aside and not say anything so as not to cause bad feelings for my kids. 2 of my kids are ok with their dad, the two middle one are ok but hold resentment. Nothing I said, they were just old enough to have a dad that was there all the time to one who moved from my house to this other womans and not pay much attention to them for a few years. Anyway, we are civil and say hello as he was coming to my oldest son's home for holidays for a few hours (without new wife). That's where our grandkids are. The last few years, new wife found herself a new boyfriend so my ex was single again. He rectified that and found a new gf and moved 2 hours away.

My older sister and I have always had a strained relationship. She talks down to me. It's an odd situation. Holidays she is also at my son's house. My grandkids sports, she is there. I can walk into a café and she can ignore me but if we are watching my grandkids play baseball and she has dirt on the rest of the family, then she holds an hour long conversation with me. It's one of those situations where I can ask her something and she ignores me and then finally says WHAT???? in a loud snotty tone. Yet Joe Blow off the street could ask her a question and she would be smiling and friendly.


Before it's stated I didn't give all info, I'm giving as much as I can think of.
1. Our oldest sister who has passed away was married for 40 years to my ex's brother. My ex and my sister's husband's family lived across from us for 10 years growing up. The sister I'm confused about didn't hang around with them as no one was her age. She hung around with the two girls that lived on the two sides of his house.
2. It was mentioned by a couple of my kids that they thought she was jealous because all 4 of my kids turned out well and her's was a little flightly (hopefully that just changed as he had a baby last week-well his gf did).
3. When my mom passed away, we got into a screaming match at the ballpark because my sister felt my mom paid more attention to my kids. On the surface I can see it but she knows what the deal was. My dad passed in 84 and my mom watched my kids as she isn't one to have a lot of friends and was lonely. I think it gave her purpose.

Ok. I think that's all the information and shouldn't do the "oh I forgot to say" to try to justify my side.

Let it go. Seriously, this isn't productive. You only have one family.

I agree that your ex is a jerk. Mine is a deadbeat, so I understand your feelings in that area. You can't control your sister, though, and being angry won't help. She obviously has her own issues and no one is perfect. Focus on the love and togetherness you can get from having family around, not on what annoys you.

 

[msjprincess]

I've never been in that situation so I have no idea if it would bother me.


But I do think back to my parents. My mother was close to my father's entire family after their divorce. She was invited to all family functions.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I guess my family is different than most. When someone divorces a spouse, we all do. I'll choose my sisters over any man every time, without question. In a case where children are involved, I'd be polite to the ex, but definitely not friends with him. OTOH, we're still very friendly with my deceased sister's husband. Obviously, they didn't divorce. She passed away. He's still family, even though he remarried.

When reading many of the replies here, I'm thinking, "with families like these, who needs enemies?" In my world family always has your back, regardless of the circumstances.

 

[MIGrandma]

when you break up with a spouse or lover its proper edict for everyone in your family to cease and desist contact with said party

Nope, I don't agree with that. When our son and his first wife got a divorce we remained friendly with his ex-wife. Just because he divorced her didn't mean we had to as well. She is very sweet, we always loved her and that didn't stop just because they got a divorce. It's been 20 years, and we still see her occasionally and hug her and talk with her when we do. And I'm Facebook friends with her too.

If he and his current wife were ever to divorce (they are happy, so hopefully that won't happen) we would keep our relationship with his wife if she wanted to keep it with us as well.

As for the OP's question, if I had a sister and she was Facebook friends with my ex-husband it wouldn't bother me. The same thing with our ex-daughter-in-law applies to that as well, just because my husband and I were divorcing I can't expect the rest of my family to break their ties with him if they don't want to.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Before I even read #2 in your OP what was coming out at me is that she is jealous of you.

And as others here have said, she enjoys getting under your skin.

Don't give her the opportunity. Ignore it. FB or not.

My mother always had a saying for people like this. "They deserve eachother." I'd say it applies here. People who act like that eventually get under eachother's skin as well. Be patient. (And I know they're not in a relationship.)

 

[Hikergirl]

I guess my family is different than most. When someone divorces a spouse, we all do. I'll choose my sisters over any man every time, without question. In a case where children are involved, I'd be polite to the ex, but definitely not friends with him. OTOH, we're still very friendly with my deceased sister's husband. Obviously, they didn't divorce. She passed away. He's still family, even though he remarried.

When reading many of the replies here, I'm thinking, "with families like these, who needs enemies?" In my world family always has your back, regardless of the circumstances.

Its not always that easy. I have a family member who is now divorced. Her ex-dh was part of the family for 30 years, he grew up with the siblings. Its not that easy to just cut off a relationship like that because their marriage didn't work out. My family member was very upset with those who didn't break off the relationship at first but after time she realized how unfair it was to expect that from others just because her relationship with him didn't work out.
That is the kind of family I have, and wouldn't have it any other way.