Strange family question Update 7/31/16

[mom2rtk]

OP, I doubt any of us know all of the story so I don't have an opinion. I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're struggling with this.

 

[jevs]

Check out some mindfulness and self-compassion classes for yourself. A couple of my friends have done some and swear by them, I believe they're kinda like yoga but without the side effects of exercise.

 

[Allison]

I was sort of hoping I was invited because I had nothing to do

while I'm home by myself

she knew I wouldn't be involved in

while I was home by myself not invited

while I'm home by myself

Yes, you were home by yourself while your adult children spent the day with their father on Father's Day. That's normal.

Again, please look into learning how to deal with your anger or resentfulness or whatever it is that is plaguing you. You are going to burn bridges that you regret.

Good luck.

 

[Shmily1]

From what I've read it's not surprising that your sister friended him.

Given the past history of ignoring you (but being miss social Chatty Cathy with everyone else) it seems she enjoys getting under your skin.

This is a new way to do that.

Some people are so unhappy that they get happiness from watching other people suffer. From what I can gather from your post, she is one of those people.

No matter what you do you'll never "win." She will keep coming up with ways to hurt you. IMHO, don't waste your energy since it will likely go no where. Just be the person you are, and keep going.

Easier said than done, but if you let her know it bugs you she'll likely feed off of it.

Good luck.

I totally agree with this. Your best bet is to ignore her totally, even when she wants to have one of those conversations. Just do the WHAT??? thing to her that she would do to you. No need to let her get to you. You are better than that.

 

[morgan98]

OP, you are obviously struggling. However, it sounds like you are looking for ways to be offended and your family is giving them to you. I also recall your thread about the stress you are under in being forced out of your job. It sounds like you are going through a difficult time on several fronts.

Maybe you need to find a professional to talk to about the issues.

 

[aprilgail]

wow what a horrible position you are putting your kids in. Its fathers day, they were spending it with their father- doesn't matter who else they invited it is NOT YOUR BUSINESS! You are going to drive your entire family away with your hatred and bitterness!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I'm sure you're super-sensitive right now because of your depression and your work situation, etc. (Not sure I said it before, but irritability is one of the signs of depression.) And this situation further pushed your buttons. I won't repeat what was said above, but I agree with a lot of it. IMO you should've found something else to do yesterday that would make YOU happy, and ignore what you knew (at least most of it) was going on at your son's house. In other words, rise above it. Surely you see the benefit to your children and grandchildren that your ex is still close to them. As for your sister? We have a name for people like her. (Can't/won't repeat it here.) I'd call her that in my head, and move on. She probably got satisfaction knowing you were pissed, so that alone would be enough for me to not react publicly. Don't give her that satisfaction. I think you, in a day or two, once tempers calm down, should have a face to face talk with your son, and apologize. (Do not text!) Promise yourself before you go that you won't let it escalate; just explain to your son you're having a rough time right now, you shouldn't have reacted that way, and you're sorry. End of story. I do understand your feelings. But you've got to get them in check or they're going to destroy your family.

 

[diznygirl]

Mom, is that you?

For my mom everything is about her. You know, even when it's not. Like on Fathers Day.

OP, instead of getting hurt that you weren't "invited" to a family function (that you were probably welcome at without the engraved invitation) you should have mentioned you would like to go. Or just gone. So that's on you.

Getting upset about what your sister does is on you as well. She's an adult who makes her own decisions. So "losing it" on your children for something they don't have to do anything about is an over the top reaction. And I'm guessing it's these types of reactions that make people not want to be around you.

If you can't play nice then it's a good guess you will be sitting on the sidelines a lot.

 

[MickeySP]

wow what a horrible position you are putting your kids in. Its fathers day, they were spending it with their father- doesn't matter who else they invited it is NOT YOUR BUSINESS! You are going to drive your entire family away with your hatred and bitterness!

So you have no idea how she got there - crash or invitation. You have no idea who may have invited or told her about the get together. You get all butt hurt and go off on your kid - WTG!!

First you should get your facts before asking anyone anything. Second you seem to making everything about you, abit narcissistic actually.
Third, you have NO right to tell anyone who they can or can't be friends with or who they can or can't invite to their homes, including your children.
Fourth - WOW just WOW on the controlling behavior. Fifth stop trolling FB & interrogating your kids about your sister or your ex.

 

[tarheel618]

OP this is going to sound harsh but I think you need to ask yourself is your dislike for your sister and ex husband worth losing the relationship with your kids/grandkids? Yesterday was father's day and your children were spending time with their father. I am hoping that they did the same for you on Mothers day. The day was not about you. The fact your sister was there- so what? Would you want your ex there on Mother's day?

You flipping out on your grown son is ridiculous. You stole your children's Father's day with their dad with the behavior you demonstrated. He is your ex not their ex father. You are making your kids choose sides or feel guilty when they spend time with your ex, and sister. Your children and their spouses will tire quickly of this behavior and you will find yourself isolated from your family and grandkids.

I speak from first hand experience because we have a similar situation in our family. The only time we spend time with this person is when we absolutely have to because their behavior makes all of us miserable and we have to walk on egg shells the entire time we are with that person. God forbid if we mention about being around someone they don't like because then that becomes the entire days conversation/rant. Ill be honest when reading your post- I actually thought it was my relative who was posting.

You really need to let it go. You will feel so much better when you do. I do wish you the best.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, I am so, SO, sorry that you are in so much heart-ache and pain over all of this.
And I am sending hugs!!!
I do believe that there are some very heavy issues going on, regarding your sister.
I, personally, would NEVER ever do anything so hurtful, as you describe, to my own sisters.
I can totally understand your feelings, and I do agree with you on that one aspect!

(Note: What I would probably do in that situation would be quite the opposite. Knowing that my sisters kids and grandkids and relatives would be together, while she did not have any plans, I would have called her up and said, Hey, why don't we go shopping, try out that new cafe.. whatever... It actually strikes me that your sister did exactly the opposite... And one can only speculate as to why..)

But, bottom line... It is not always 'about you'.
Bottom line... Things are not always 'fair'.
Bottom line... You can not, and SHOULD NOT, try to control other people and their attitudes and actions.
The only thing you can do is to look at your own....

OP, I am not judging or flaming you here, at all!!!!
Emotions are not always rational... One's feelings are always valid.

But, there is one statement in your post that shines a very clear and blinding light on the situation.
To me, when I am reading, "They are celebrating Father's Day together, AND I AM SITTING HERE ALL ALONE..."
OP, Why would you ever, in a million years, feel like you should be a focus on FATHER'S day????
Why would it be anyone else's fault/responsibility that you were 'alone' with nothing else possible to plan or do????

OP, this is called 'falling on knives'....
Setting one's self up as the mortally injured party, in order to try to gain control over other people.
Falling on your own daggers, when nobody else was involved at all.

(There is a very specific personality type that usually involves the feeling that "everybody else is always in the wrong, and I am the injured party".)

I definitely think these other posters are right when they say that you could probably benefit from some very focused counseling and help. Your relationship with your own kids, and grandkids, might depend on it.

At the very least, I hope you can be able to step back, take a few very deep breaths, and work thru this particular incident... and find some peace.

 

[cabanafrau]

I don't think it is right to put your children, even adult children, in the position of feeling like they have to "choose sides" or like they are doing something wrong or hurtful to you by including members of their own family (like their aunt) in celebrations. It is very possible you were not invited because your son has learned you will make a scene and he was trying to avoid that.
I have to say that after this post I agree with the PP that there is probably a very different take to this story from the other side.

Obviously there are some VERY deep rifts that need to be fixed here. You sound like you are in a lot of emotional pain.

The best case scenario is that you work on this aspect of your life so you can live in peace.

If I had to guess what's at the root, the very first post stood out to me when OP's mother's relationship with OP's kids was related as a cause of her sister's animosity, followed promptly with an explanation that grandma had of course grown close with the kids while she was watching them, and then the babysitting was characterized as being done as a benefit for grandma. Curiously OP regards babysitting her own grandchild as the potential for controlling her son in the future. Very curious indeed.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I know you don't think your ex deserves a special father day. It seems your ex wasn't a great dad to the kids for a while but your kids still love their dad. They are adults now and have to figure out their own relationship with him and it has nothing to do with you. I understand you sacrificed and hurt and lived and did for them and it shows what a good person you can be but the children still want to love and have a relationship with their dad. You have to stay out of their relationship with him. It's simply none of your business. If they complain about him, just listen and don't say anything. It's not your place.

Regarding your sister. Your first post about this says she shows up at holidays and family gatherings. You don't even know how found out about the gathering. You chose to sit home and feel bad for yourself instead of doing something. You let your sister piss you off and get under your skin yet again and you took it out on your son. You want to take it out on someone, take it out on your sister. You are obviously upset about the whole FB thing but it seems there is years and years of built up emotions with you and your sister. Face it that you don't have a good relationship with your sister. She is not your friend. You are not her friend. Your related by blood. If you have beef with her, take it to her and leave your children out of it.

 

[wenrob]

Maaaan.... I think maybe you need to stop and take a little look inside. Why on earth would you expect to be invited to a Father's Day celebration for your ex, a man you clearly despise? As a child of divorce who has spent her entire life trying to please everyone, a parent losing it over a situation that did not involve them or concern them in any way would have set me off too. I don't blame your son one bit. You are making a difficult situation for him (trying to please both parents) even worse. I can tell you from experience that trying to make your children choose sides will not end well and it won't be in your favor. If you want to keep a good relationship with your children I would suggest minding your own business when it comes to their father and holding your tongue no matter how much it bugs you. Your children having a good relationship with their dad has nothing to do with their relationship to you. You will only build resentment if you insist on loyalty only to you and it will drive them away. You can take that to the bank.

As for your sister I will be the lone dissenter. My sister probably describes me in a similar fashion. She's extremely jealous of my financial situation, my marriage, my kids accomplishments. She makes snarky remarks that she thinks are sly, hints that I'm "lucky" and spoiled etc. Said these things to others thinking I wouldn't hear about it. I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt my feelings and yet we're still extremely close because I choose to rise above. I can't fix her situation and I can't change her reaction to mine and so I ignore her inclination to be petty. Again, I would look inside and really assess the situation. Does you sister really purposefully push your buttons or do you just perceive it that way? In any case, you need to look into what you can do for yourself as far as your reactions to her. She's who she's going to be, you can't change her but you can change how you react to her.

 

[MickeySP]

If I had to guess what's at the root, the very first post stood out to me when OP's mother's relationship with OP's kids was related as a cause of her sister's animosity, followed promptly with an explanation that grandma had of course grown close with the kids while she was watching them, and then the babysitting was characterized as being done as a benefit for grandma. Curiously OP regards babysitting her own grandchild as the potential for controlling her son in the future. Very curious indeed.

My bold - Holy Cow good catch. ITA

 

[ziravan]

When I first got divorced, a good friend told me it takes three long hard years to get over a divorce, to work out the anger.

It took 3 long hard years before my ex and I could have a civil conversation.

Your 3 years are long up. Let it go.

He (she) who angers you, controls you.

You are the sum total of moments you spend. And look how so very many of those moments you CHOOSE to spend on this.

At this point, the dysfunction is you.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

Bad, bad update today. I think it was the one that broke the camel's back. First of all, I will disagree with everyone has to get along with everyone after a divorce. (sort of). I do agree when kids are involved, everyone needs to be civil but I don't agree that if a divorce was due to adultery, lies, cheating on child support, going from DL dad to not seeing them for 4 years, that your sister should befriend them on facebook (he didn't, she voluntarily did). We are all civil at functions but seeing his name come up on Facebook and friending him, honestly tells me about her thinking. If her husband had done that, I would be civil and say hello at functions but if I saw his name come up on my facebook as someone I might know, I wouldn't friend him. We may disagree on that, but that's ok. If two people divorced nicely, it would probably be a different story for me.

So anyway, today.........My oldest son and DIL/grandkids were having a bbq for my kids dad and my dil dad. My other 3 kids were invited. All is good. I was sort of hoping I was invited because I had nothing to do but it was dad's day so, everything is ok. I stayed home by myself while they were bbq'ing and swimming at my son's. My oldest daughter who is living with me temporarily comes home early not in a good mood. She wouldn't tell me. I text my other daughter to find out why daughter 1 is not happy and she tells me that my sister is there and my daughter thought it weird. So here's my sister at MY family function with my kids and grandkids while I'm home by myself. They had to have told her what they were doing, otherwise she wouldn't have just driven over there as in the past they've gone to my ex's house (he moved out of state lately so hence why it was at my sons). Or she called to see what they were doing.

Right or wrong, I lost it. My son threatened me, told me I was no longer welcome at his house and can't see my grandkids. This shall pass when they need a babysitter. I'm angry if they invited her or told her about it and I'm angry if she invited herself into a family function that she knew I wouldn't be involved in. She has a son with a new baby and a husband. Why aren't they spending the whole day with him? I hope she had a great time with my family today while I was home by myself not invited. Oh wait, I was invited 3 hours AFTER they ate after I said something. Silly me. I don't think I should have been invited and I don't think my sister should have been there. I will add a disclaimer that my ex and his new gf are ok. We just were all together at my granddaughter's birthday party so no odd weird thing going there. I find it weird that my sister is hobnobbing with my ex and his new gf and my kids/grandkids while I'm home by myself. Right or wrong, these are my feelings. I am beyond hurt and have hatred for my sister.

It's Father's day. You shouldn't be invited and you shouldn't hope to be invited, the fact that you were alone while they were having a BBQ and swimming shouldn't factor. It's just another Sunday unless you're a Father or you have a father. They are allowed to get together with their Father without you. They are allowed to invite whoever they want to invite.

It was not YOUR family function. It was your son's family function and your DIL's Family function to celebrate Father's Day. Who was there or was not there is none of your business. The day was not about you.

Your behavior is what has caused this. You need to let it go. You cannot control who your ex associates or who associates with your ex and and you cannot control who your children invite to their home!

Get over your sister. If she and your ex want to be friends that is their choice. You don't get to dictate who can and cannot have a relationship with your ex and you don't get to decide that it's not ok because of lies, cheating etc but it would be ok under other circumstances. Everythng is not about you. When a couple splits there's still a family in the middle. You can peacefully coexist or you can stand your stubborn ground like this and make everything uncomfortable for everybody. If your kids enjoy having their Aunt and their Father together then let them do it without drama. If you let go of your own ideas of how everybody else is supposed to deal with your divorce then you may find youself invited to their family events again.

 

[Vijoge]

So here's my question: would it irritate you if your sister friended your ex husband and his new gf on Facebook?

If my ex and I were recently divorced I imagine it would bother me. Otherwise, no. My ex spent most holidays with my husband and myself, and even vacationed with us occasionally, so I wouldn't have cared at all who he was fb friends with.

 

[Hrhpd]

Bad, bad update today. I think it was the one that broke the camel's back. First of all, I will disagree with everyone has to get along with everyone after a divorce. (sort of). I do agree when kids are involved, everyone needs to be civil but I don't agree that if a divorce was due to adultery, lies, cheating on child support, going from DL dad to not seeing them for 4 years, that your sister should befriend them on facebook (he didn't, she voluntarily did). We are all civil at functions but seeing his name come up on Facebook and friending him, honestly tells me about her thinking. If her husband had done that, I would be civil and say hello at functions but if I saw his name come up on my facebook as someone I might know, I wouldn't friend him. We may disagree on that, but that's ok. If two people divorced nicely, it would probably be a different story for me.

So anyway, today.........My oldest son and DIL/grandkids were having a bbq for my kids dad and my dil dad. My other 3 kids were invited. All is good. I was sort of hoping I was invited because I had nothing to do but it was dad's day so, everything is ok. I stayed home by myself while they were bbq'ing and swimming at my son's. My oldest daughter who is living with me temporarily comes home early not in a good mood. She wouldn't tell me. I text my other daughter to find out why daughter 1 is not happy and she tells me that my sister is there and my daughter thought it weird. So here's my sister at MY family function with my kids and grandkids while I'm home by myself. They had to have told her what they were doing, otherwise she wouldn't have just driven over there as in the past they've gone to my ex's house (he moved out of state lately so hence why it was at my sons). Or she called to see what they were doing.

Right or wrong, I lost it. My son threatened me, told me I was no longer welcome at his house and can't see my grandkids. This shall pass when they need a babysitter. I'm angry if they invited her or told her about it and I'm angry if she invited herself into a family function that she knew I wouldn't be involved in. She has a son with a new baby and a husband. Why aren't they spending the whole day with him? I hope she had a great time with my family today while I was home by myself not invited. Oh wait, I was invited 3 hours AFTER they ate after I said something. Silly me. I don't think I should have been invited and I don't think my sister should have been there. I will add a disclaimer that my ex and his new gf are ok. We just were all together at my granddaughter's birthday party so no odd weird thing going there. I find it weird that my sister is hobnobbing with my ex and his new gf and my kids/grandkids while I'm home by myself. Right or wrong, these are my feelings. I am beyond hurt and have hatred for my sister.

Is it possible that your son told you that you were no longer welcome at his house and can't see your grandchildren because he is worried about you? He is worried that your behavior is spiraling downward and that this is a desperate action to force you to get help?

From reading your posts, you are angry; very, very angry. You admit you have road rage on the highway merge thread. You are getting in trouble at work. You are pushing your family away to the point where your own son doesn't want his children around his own mother.

It sounds like you have been harboring this anger for a long, long time. You deserve to be happy. It is time to stop blaming everyone else (your bosses, your coworkers, your sister, your children.) When everyone seems against you, when they keep telling you that you heard things wrong, when they are gently trying to get you to leave (retire) it is time to start looking at yourself. When it is in every aspect in your life, not just one place like work or family, but everywhere, there is only one central point. YOU.

Again, you deserve to be happy. Feelings can be wrong and such hatred is wrong. Not for others, but for yourself because it destroys you. And from the seriousness of your posts, the only way to get happy is to seek the help of a professional. There is nothing wrong with that. You have been through a lot. Would you go to the doctor for a broken arm? This is no different, your spirit and happiness is broken. If you are already seeing a therapist for your PTSD, you need to change because it doesn't seem to be helping. From what I can tell from your posts, you have been living with this anger for over 10 years. When it becomes so ingrained over the years, it is difficult to find your way out of the forest without a guide. Find the best guide and get on the path to happiness. You want to enjoy those retirement years with your family, enjoying your grandchildren. That won't happen if your family is afraid of you and doesn't want their children around you.

Heed your son. Get help. Start the work to change yourself, not others. Start the work to be happy again.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

I'm gonna agree with so many of the others and say that you really need to talk to a professional who can help you sort out your feelings and emotions, who can also help you learn how to better cope and react to all that's going on.

The first step is the hardest, but I think you'd look back and be very happy you took it.