Strange family question Update 7/31/16

[NotUrsula]

What I would say is that you might want to memorize a little phrase: The only one responsible for my reactions to what other others say or do is ME. If you let other people control your reactions, then you enter a self-destructive cycle that feeds on anger and hurt feelings, and you end up hurting yourself far more than the other person will hurt you. (I learned this phrase years ago when I had a toxic boss: my BP went up, I chewed my nails, I lost sleep -- and she was just fine.) I now always work on the principal that someone who appears to deliberately do something hurtful to me is either clueless or immature, and that neither one of those things is my problem to solve.

I would speak to your son and tell him that you apologize for your reaction and that you were not thinking straight at the time, and that you've decided that you are no longer going to let your sister get under your skin. Then don't. If she makes some kind of scene, the best response is something like, "You know, we're not kids anymore. Life's too short for stressful drama, so we'll just have to agree to disagree and let it go. at that." Be civil, but don't engage.

PS: About Facebook friending: it is not always about actually being friends. Nosy people LOVE to friend everyone and his brother on FB so that they can see private posts and know what's going on in that person's life. Lots of people don't refuse these requests because they either think the more, the merrier, or they don't want to seem rude -- either way, no skin off your nose. (And BTW, don't forget that old adage about keeping your friends close and your enemies closer. There is also some value in knowing what toxic people are up to.)

 

[sasywtch]

I thought I'd update due to all the theories out there. I've had some major work issues to deal with lately so haven't had a chance to thank everyone in this thread whether good or bad, it was all helpful.
There was no underlying "I must have done something previously, etc". My son is an over reactor (can't imagine where he gets that from ) I'm also grateful that my DIL and I get along well.

We had a long talk at his house. It's still not clear who invited my sister and I know that some said they wouldn't have a problem with it, but I still do. If it's awkward for me to be there with my kids/grandkids, then it should be for my sister also. I can't shake that.

There is some underlying issues from my mom paying a lot of attention to my kids after my dad died and my sister being resentful. She was my dad's favorite so when he died and my mom paid a lot of attention to my kids, well, I don't know. Issues with her being a social butterfly to all but me, sometimes to the point of being rude. As one person in my family said, she has a need to be center of attention even if it's at the expense of others. One example: Christmas. We have it at my sons (bigger house, grandkids are there...easier). I always have these stockings the kids know I have that I collect little stuff all year along with some chocolate. They are usually overflowing. I do these along with their other regular gifts. (before anyone says anything...they have their Santa stockings at home and are aware these are not from Santa). My sister will walk in with her gifts, we are all in the kitchen cooking (she doesn't cook or clean) and right away she's calling the kids to open her presents first. It just doesn't occur to her that perhaps others may like to feel special. We (my other kids) were being respectful and putting the gifts under the tree for the opening of the gift time. Oh well......she is as she is.

Since the argument on Father's Day and our talk, we have been to the 4th of July bbq with my kids at my cousins (minus sister as she does her fireworks booth), offered the job of babysitting if I retire soon, went to my grandson's baseball tournament with my kids and my ex and his new girlfriend, went to my grandson's little league all star games and my ex talked to me the whole time, went to the fair with son and grandkids, babysat for 24 hours this weekend. Once your kids are grown, you really appreciate your alone time.

The gist of all of this is, I believe by writing it out on here and all the helpful ideas, it made me realize the problems I had with my sister that I put on the back burner. I just elect to keep my distance. I'm not rude or confrontational, I just keep my distance. When we ran into her at the state fair while she was doing her beer selling, I just elected to go off to get a soda while the kids said hi and got some free water bottles.

So thank you all for the good and bad comments, it did help and it eliminated the stress. Once you know what the real issue is and quit pretending it's not there, it's easier to deal with.

 

[cabanafrau]

Reading your update and your comments about your issues with your sister being ignored on the backburner, not so much. It will help greatly if you just go ahead and turn off the heat underneath that pot. She's not the only sister with resentment issues. Yours hurt you, not her. You can control that by letting it go. If you do that she can choose to shoulder her resentments or not. Either way, it won't matter to you.

Turning off the heat to a pot on the stove, backburner or not, frees you to walk away without worries.

 

[Allison]

There is some underlying issues from my mom paying a lot of attention to my kids after my dad died and my sister being resentful. She was my dad's favorite so when he died and my mom paid a lot of attention to my kids, well, I don't know. Issues with her being a social butterfly to all but me, sometimes to the point of being rude. As one person in my family said, she has a need to be center of attention even if it's at the expense of others. One example: Christmas. We have it at my sons (bigger house, grandkids are there...easier). I always have these stockings the kids know I have that I collect little stuff all year along with some chocolate. They are usually overflowing. I do these along with their other regular gifts. (before anyone says anything...they have their Santa stockings at home and are aware these are not from Santa). My sister will walk in with her gifts, we are all in the kitchen cooking (she doesn't cook or clean) and right away she's calling the kids to open her presents first. It just doesn't occur to her that perhaps others may like to feel special. We (my other kids) were being respectful and putting the gifts under the tree for the opening of the gift time. Oh well......she is as she is.

Really? What does it matter if she is calling the kids? Honestly, it sounds like the problem is you both want to be the center of attention and you butt heads because of it.

Sometimes it is better to just let a thread die.

 

[SirDuff]

Really? What does it matter if she is calling the kids? Honestly, it sounds like the problem is you both want to be the center of attention and you butt heads because of it.

Sometimes it is better to just let a thread die.

It had died. But, I guess, the OP needed more attention.

I like the idea of taking the pot off the stove/turning off the heat, rather than just putting on the back burner.

 

[Hrhpd]

I thought I'd update due to all the theories out there. I've had some major work issues to deal with lately so haven't had a chance to thank everyone in this thread whether good or bad, it was all helpful.
There was no underlying "I must have done something previously, etc". My son is an over reactor (can't imagine where he gets that from ) I'm also grateful that my DIL and I get along well.

We had a long talk at his house. It's still not clear who invited my sister and I know that some said they wouldn't have a problem with it, but I still do. If it's awkward for me to be there with my kids/grandkids, then it should be for my sister also. I can't shake that.

There is some underlying issues from my mom paying a lot of attention to my kids after my dad died and my sister being resentful. She was my dad's favorite so when he died and my mom paid a lot of attention to my kids, well, I don't know. Issues with her being a social butterfly to all but me, sometimes to the point of being rude. As one person in my family said, she has a need to be center of attention even if it's at the expense of others. One example: Christmas. We have it at my sons (bigger house, grandkids are there...easier). I always have these stockings the kids know I have that I collect little stuff all year along with some chocolate. They are usually overflowing. I do these along with their other regular gifts. (before anyone says anything...they have their Santa stockings at home and are aware these are not from Santa). My sister will walk in with her gifts, we are all in the kitchen cooking (she doesn't cook or clean) and right away she's calling the kids to open her presents first. It just doesn't occur to her that perhaps others may like to feel special. We (my other kids) were being respectful and putting the gifts under the tree for the opening of the gift time. Oh well......she is as she is.

Since the argument on Father's Day and our talk, we have been to the 4th of July bbq with my kids at my cousins (minus sister as she does her fireworks booth), offered the job of babysitting if I retire soon, went to my grandson's baseball tournament with my kids and my ex and his new girlfriend, went to my grandson's little league all star games and my ex talked to me the whole time, went to the fair with son and grandkids, babysat for 24 hours this weekend. Once your kids are grown, you really appreciate your alone time.

The gist of all of this is, I believe by writing it out on here and all the helpful ideas, it made me realize the problems I had with my sister that I put on the back burner. I just elect to keep my distance. I'm not rude or confrontational, I just keep my distance. When we ran into her at the state fair while she was doing her beer selling, I just elected to go off to get a soda while the kids said hi and got some free water bottles.

So thank you all for the good and bad comments, it did help and it eliminated the stress. Once you know what the real issue is and quit pretending it's not there, it's easier to deal with.

OK??

This doesn't seem to be very positive for you. It seems your negative feelings have increased, not been resolved. You seem like you are bragging that you have been getting more attention from your ex than your sister. Let go of the competition.

I hope you can eventually let go of your jealousy and resentment of your sister. You will be a much happier person.