Steps in relationships, when to move to another level?

[jrmasm]

This is not real.

 

[Disneylover99]

I will admit that I have been acting kind of childish and silly these past few months. I guess I have worked very hard at "showing off" on social media, getting approval from friends, family, former students etc... I guess I we have become that obnoxious couple on there that many people find annoying with all this lovey stuff back and forth for everybody to see. My friends, I dare say some of them have a worse track record with relationships than I do... yes it is possible. It started off like I was the one pushing to define things and wanting all this, but he has fueled the fire and it seems now that he is adding to it with the marriage comments and stuff like that. He even posted some "joke" on Facebook about the your future marriage and it being me. Of course I had to "like it" and post hearts, and some I love you stuff to go along.

I DO love him, he has been good to me. He is funny, charming and sweet to me. I know he has flaws...pretty big ones probably. I know I am very damaged and flawed too. I know I am showing the maturity level of a teenager, which is not a good thing. I am level-headed about everything else BUT relationships. They make me crazy.

Maybe I missed this along the way, but does he have children? Or do you talk about having children together?

 

[QueenIsabella]

In regards to "checking his phone"... I meant that in a looking while he is using it capacity. He thought I was either too blind to see that the app was there, or too stupid to know what it was. He would try to swipe past the screen it was on really fast when I was next to him. Now that he has deleted it, he will hand me the phone and let me use it or whatever. I almost said something to him about it, but before I had a chance he went on some rant about how accusatory and jealous his ex wife was. He was like saying how much he hated how she accused him of having an affair when he wasn't and all that kind of stuff. So I just didn't say anything to him about it. I was hoping that he was just using the app to chat and maybe just boost his ego or just for amusement. I was VERY VERY glad to see it gone from his phone believe me.

I did do the therapy thing, I am not sure how much good it did considering my therapist is no longer a therapist. I don't think I was a cause for the career change, hopefully not. My therapist seems to have gone to work for a university. Maybe it is inappropriate to be Facebook friends with your therapist, but that's how I found out about the change.

What makes you so sure he deleted the app? It's very possible that he just hid it more carefully. Unless you scrolled "casually" through every folder he has, you can't say for sure.

And I would find out why he divorced his ex, before the sun sets on another day. Lots of people CLAIM to have a psycho ex. Some of them are even correct. If he's been doing the Tindr thing on you, he probably did it on her, as well. And when he got caught, she because Jealous and accusatory", for not buying whatever cockamamie story he told her. You seem to be willfully blind to his bad behavior--that doesn't bode well.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I have the best idea in all the ideas of the DIS!!

First, get your money back from the therapist. No professional would ever friend their client on Facebook even if not active client.

Second, this is all about looking good and rubbing it in others' noses that you think you have a real and loving relationship. Now you're questioning marriage.
Frankly neither you probably have the money for another divorce lawyer, so here's the solution. Just go get a dress and he get a fancy suit, go somewhere pretty and take
lots of "wedding" pictures. Post them on FB and *BAM* perfect wedding and hence will be a perfect marriage thereafter on FB and you won't have to pay for the lawyer in a couple years. No muss no fuss

 

[Nancyg56]

Date yourself for a while.

This is always my advice!!

I will admit that I have been acting kind of childish and silly these past few months. I guess I have worked very hard at "showing off" on social media, getting approval from friends, family, former students etc... I guess I we have become that obnoxious couple on there that many people find annoying with all this lovey stuff back and forth for everybody to see. My friends, I dare say some of them have a worse track record with relationships than I do... yes it is possible. It started off like I was the one pushing to define things and wanting all this, but he has fueled the fire and it seems now that he is adding to it with the marriage comments and stuff like that. He even posted some "joke" on Facebook about the your future marriage and it being me. Of course I had to "like it" and post hearts, and some I love you stuff to go along.

I DO love him, he has been good to me. He is funny, charming and sweet to me. I know he has flaws...pretty big ones probably. I know I am very damaged and flawed too. I know I am showing the maturity level of a teenager, which is not a good thing. I am level-headed about everything else BUT relationships. They make me crazy.

No Kathryn, you are in love with being in love. That is different than being in love with a man who is in love and devoted to you.

If your friends have a worse track record than you, then you need to find new friends, because it seems that you set the bar by them,and that is way too low.

I am not your mother, but if I was, I am sure I would be sick over this. Please, slow down. Take time away from each other, and learn your own value.

 

[Chernabog#1fan]

is it just me, or does anyone else not want to look at these threads, but they somehow find themselves opening them and cringing? come on, I cant be the only one.

Not the only one!

 

[MataHari22]

I did do the therapy thing, I am not sure how much good it did considering my therapist is no longer a therapist. I don't think I was a cause for the career change, hopefully not. My therapist seems to have gone to work for a university. Maybe it is inappropriate to be Facebook friends with your therapist, but that's how I found out about the change.

I had a bunch of quotes I was going to respond to you, but I just don't have the energy to do it, and you're not going to listen anyway, and others have said most of what I was going to say, so I erased it. I do have to address this though. How could you possibly think that having a therapist that is also a Facebook friend is in any way going to be beneficial for you? That is so unprofessional that I cannot believe it. Find an actual psychologist with an actual PH.D. That doesn't want to be friends with you, and then, get into therapy and work on you.

 

[Bluestars]

I honestly don't know how people do find the time to sneak around. I work 40 hours. Hour and a half round trip commute. Gym at least twice a week. Food shopping, house keeping and cooking. I have a stack of unplayed video games and seasons behind some of my shows.

No kidding! When I have a spare moment, I just want to relax and watch a good Lifetime movie and be left alone. My husband and I both have passcodes on our phones in case we lose them. We know each other's passcodes because we sometimes need to use the other phone.


OP, maybe you mentioned this somewhere, but what is it about your boyfriend that your father doesn't like? Also, what does he do that bothers you the most? It seems like you may have unrealistic expectations of this relationship. Disagreeing and discussing your disagreements is part of a normal relationship. If you hold in all of your emotions until you are married, something is going to explode one day.

 

[scrapquitler]

He never really said exactly why he got divorced... just a lot of stuff about how his ex-wife was and still is a jealous psycho. He said she was always accusing him of stuff, and well yea. When I start feeling jealous, I think to myself, I do not want to remind him of his ex.

This is a giant red flag right here. If I were divorced and dating someone that had also been divorced, I think that it would be imperative to me and to him to have a lot of conversations about WHY the divorces took place. Mostly as you know, a way to learn from your mistakes and to avoid making them again. An explanation that the ex was and is a jealous psycho would NOT be satisfactory enough for me. And a statement that she was always accusing him of stuff would prompt me to ask "Well, was it warranted?", and based on the whole Tinder thing, I'm guessing it WAS. So maybe she wasn't a jealous psycho.

 

[FairestOfThemAll37]

"My ex is a jealous psycho"-every cheating man who's wife/girlfriend correctly suspected

Ok, I'll admit sometimes this is true but it's really the exception rather than the rule that "psycho jealousy" is just a personality trait with no contributing factors.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

Maybe I missed this along the way, but does he have children? Or do you talk about having children together?

Yes he has two children, one lives with him the other lives with his EX. They seem to love me. We get along very well and they think I am super cool. It seems like it took the younger one a while to warm up to me, but now things seem very good.

No kidding! When I have a spare moment, I just want to relax and watch a good Lifetime movie and be left alone. My husband and I both have passcodes on our phones in case we lose them. We know each other's passcodes because we sometimes need to use the other phone.


OP, maybe you mentioned this somewhere, but what is it about your boyfriend that your father doesn't like? Also, what does he do that bothers you the most? It seems like you may have unrealistic expectations of this relationship. Disagreeing and discussing your disagreements is part of a normal relationship. If you hold in all of your emotions until you are married, something is going to explode one day.

In regards to what my father doesn't like, he says that my BF doesn't look him in the eye when he talks to him, and he seems arrogant. He is the only family member that doesn't seem to like him.

What bothers me about my BF the most is, sometimes I feel as if he isn't paying enough attention to me. (I don't know if this is me being unreasonable, or if this is a real problem). I also do not like how he cannot seem to stop bickering with his ex wife. It's over, just stop this already. (they fight about the kids all the time, and when I say all the time, I mean like all the darn time). I feel awkward when we are supposed to be together and he is sending hateful texts back and forth with his ex. It is like I am right HERE, freakin' pay attention to me.

He seems to have gotten rid of the Tinder app, so I can say that's improvement (assuming it is really gone, which I really believe it is). He has also stopped talking about past girlfriends so much thankfully.

I get very frustrated and angry sometimes, but I never say anything. It seems to me that I can build up a lot of anger, and then he will say something or do something sweet and I just instantly forgive it. I know that is not his fault. It is my fault for being so needy. I sometimes feel as if this all might be a huge mistake, but I keep digging myself in deeper every day. Other times I feel so incredibly happy with him that it is unbelievable.

It is no secret that I really really want to be in a relationship. I do not know why with my weird sense of values that feel as if there is nothing sadder than being single, especially if you are over a certain age. Maybe I am the only one who feels that way, but the thought of being this old and nobody loving you just makes me very sad. I know THAT is entirely not his fault, that is my own weird perception of the world. I just fear others would judge me as harshly as I judge myself.

 

[wilkeliza]

Yes he has two children, one lives with him the other lives with his EX. They seem to love me. We get along very well and they think I am super cool. It seems like it took the younger one a while to warm up to me, but now things seem very good.



In regards to what my father doesn't like, he says that my BF doesn't look him in the eye when he talks to him, and he seems arrogant. He is the only family member that doesn't seem to like him.

What bothers me about my BF the most is, sometimes I feel as if he isn't paying enough attention to me. (I don't know if this is me being unreasonable, or if this is a real problem). I also do not like how he cannot seem to stop bickering with his ex wife. It's over, just stop this already. (they fight about the kids all the time, and when I say all the time, I mean like all the darn time). I feel awkward when we are supposed to be together and he is sending hateful texts back and forth with his ex. It is like I am right HERE, freakin' pay attention to me.

He seems to have gotten rid of the Tinder app, so I can say that's improvement (assuming it is really gone, which I really believe it is). He has also stopped talking about past girlfriends so much thankfully.

I get very frustrated and angry sometimes, but I never say anything. It seems to me that I can build up a lot of anger, and then he will say something or do something sweet and I just instantly forgive it. I know that is not his fault. It is my fault for being so needy. I sometimes feel as if this all might be a huge mistake, but I keep digging myself in deeper every day. Other times I feel so incredibly happy with him that it is unbelievable.

It is no secret that I really really want to be in a relationship. I do not know why with my weird sense of values that feel as if there is nothing sadder than being single, especially if you are over a certain age. Maybe I am the only one who feels that way, but the thought of being this old and nobody loving you just makes me very sad. I know THAT is entirely not his fault, that is my own weird perception of the world. I just fear others would judge me as harshly as I judge myself.

He has children with his ex-wife. She is never going to go away and since children are involved yes he will spend time he is suppose to be spending with you dealing with her especially since it seems to have been a bad break. He has to talk to her it doesn't matter if he is with you or not as she is the mother of her children. Once kids are involved the ex never leaves so if you can't handle that now do his children a favor and leave now.

Also if one child lives with him and the other doesn't that is a massive red flag to me that they are not being successful co-parents. That drama is never going to go away so if that is what upset you you will end up in divorce court again.

 

[sonnyjane]

Yes he has two children, one lives with him the other lives with his EX. They seem to love me. We get along very well and they think I am super cool. It seems like it took the younger one a while to warm up to me, but now things seem very good.



In regards to what my father doesn't like, he says that my BF doesn't look him in the eye when he talks to him, and he seems arrogant. He is the only family member that doesn't seem to like him.

What bothers me about my BF the most is, sometimes I feel as if he isn't paying enough attention to me. (I don't know if this is me being unreasonable, or if this is a real problem). I also do not like how he cannot seem to stop bickering with his ex wife. It's over, just stop this already. (they fight about the kids all the time, and when I say all the time, I mean like all the darn time). I feel awkward when we are supposed to be together and he is sending hateful texts back and forth with his ex. It is like I am right HERE, freakin' pay attention to me.

He seems to have gotten rid of the Tinder app, so I can say that's improvement (assuming it is really gone, which I really believe it is). He has also stopped talking about past girlfriends so much thankfully.

I get very frustrated and angry sometimes, but I never say anything. It seems to me that I can build up a lot of anger, and then he will say something or do something sweet and I just instantly forgive it. I know that is not his fault. It is my fault for being so needy. I sometimes feel as if this all might be a huge mistake, but I keep digging myself in deeper every day. Other times I feel so incredibly happy with him that it is unbelievable.

It is no secret that I really really want to be in a relationship. I do not know why with my weird sense of values that feel as if there is nothing sadder than being single, especially if you are over a certain age. Maybe I am the only one who feels that way, but the thought of being this old and nobody loving you just makes me very sad. I know THAT is entirely not his fault, that is my own weird perception of the world. I just fear others would judge me as harshly as I judge myself.

On the off chance you and your story are real, I'll indulge you one more comment. You said it's sad to be "this old" and having nobody to love you. The only person, I repeat the ONLY person in this life that needs to love you is YOU, and you don't, yet... but with counseling you can get there. I know I'm wasting precious moments writing this because you don't give a flying you-know-what about our advice, but you are broken and need fixed, and he isn't the band-aid.

 

[MataHari22]

I guess I would be one of those sad pathetic women over a certain age that is all alone. I'll take it. I have weathered an incredibly difficult life and I have come out stronger and I do not need to settle for anyone that is not right for me. I would much rather be alone than be with someone who is not good for me because I don't want to be alone. I always feel bad for the women that cannot be alone. I'm not about to settle. I think I've probably become too independent, because I am ok on my own.

 

[jevs]

there is nothing sadder than being single, especially if you are over a certain age. .

Oh absolutely. I'm older than you, so a lot more sadder and much more pathetic.

But the message has been heard and I'm about to write a short profile on every internet dating site I can find both here and abroad.

The only thing I'm requiring is a pulse. Nothing else matters at this stage of my life - too old to be fussy.

But I am wondering if I should double my chances and also request women? I'm as straight as they come, but who needs to be comfortable with their partner so long as they have one...right?

What does the collective wisdom of DIS think?

 

[hereyago]

What is sad is not knowing your own self worth to settle for the first nibble of affection someone gives you.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I will limit my comments this time around to imploring you once again to try serious, real therapy for yourself before getting any deeper into a romantic relationship (and involving his kids---totally irresponsible really).


"the therapy thing" as you put it, is not going to work if you take such a flippant approach to it. Nor is it going to get anywhere if you are working with such an unprofessional therapist that they facebook friend their patients.

And it is likely going to take a while (these issues with yourself have been there for decades---they can't be erased in five sessions) -- certianly more than some portion of the past 6 months prior to the unprofessional therapist quitting and moving to another profession.

Quite honestly, you have no more given therapy a serious try than I have given marathon running a serious try beucase I jogged aorund the block a few times before giving up on the couch to 5K program

 

[Aliceacc]

Probably the biggest red flag in a thread full of them:

. It seems to me that I can build up a lot of anger, and then he will say something or do something sweet and I just instantly forgive it. I know that is not his fault. It is my fault for being so needy. I sometimes feel as if this all might be a huge mistake, but I keep digging myself in deeper every day. Other times I feel so incredibly happy with him that it is unbelievable.

It is no secret that I really really want to be in a relationship. I do not know why with my weird sense of values that feel as if there is nothing sadder than being single, especially if you are over a certain age. Maybe I am the only one who feels that way, but the thought of being this old and nobody loving you just makes me very sad. I know THAT is entirely not his fault, that is my own weird perception of the world. I just fear others would judge me as harshly as I judge myself.

I'm not a therapist, I'm a teacher. But that top line reads like something said by every single woman I've ever read of who was in an abusive relationship. (Note: I'm not saying or implying that he has, or will, abused you.) But read that line-- he gets you really, really angry and you keep biting your tongue. Then he "says something sweet" and all those issues that had you so angry simply get wiped away?

Being Facebook official doesn't change your odds of ending up "old and having no one to love you." It merely means that when you do reach that status, you may be wearing a wedding ring.

You've said in the past that your dad has gotten it right every single time with one of your relationships-- and that dad doesn't like this guy. It's not even remotely possible that dad is right once again, and that there's a reason why this guy won't look your dad in the eye??

Please, please, please, get some help. If you had diabetes I would be begging you to see an endocrinologist before you did yourself some real harm. This is no less real, merely different symptoms of a different ailment.

 

[Nancyg56]

Oh my goodness, every post makes me sadder. Kathryn, you really should consider therapy. It is the best investment in yourself you can make.

You cannot turn this man and the life you have with him and turn it and him into the fantasy you want to be living. You just cannot. You cannot pretend the arguments he has with his ex will go away becuase you wish them to. I dated a man years ago, he had three children. I witnessed one argument with his ex and I was out of there like a bat out of hell and I never looked back. The thought of that kind of anger and bitterness made my blood curdleThat argument gave me an insight into how this man handled issues, and his way was not mine.

 

[Disneylover99]

Oh absolutely. I'm older than you, so a lot more sadder and much more pathetic.

But the message has been heard and I'm about to write a short profile on every internet dating site I can find both here and abroad.

The only thing I'm requiring is a pulse. Nothing else matters at this stage of my life - too old to be fussy.

But I am wondering if I should double my chances and also request women? I'm as straight as they come, but who needs to be comfortable with their partner so long as they have one...right?

What does the collective wisdom of DIS think?

Great idea!

Or maybe you can take a trip on Domo's time machine and go back to a time when you were younger and less desperate. As soon as you choose your partner, make sure you post your relationship status with a pic.